How to ask DD ‘s friend to go home without being rude

[Mangarosa09]

My DD is 14 with a busy schedule of after school activities during the week , including Saturdays and Sundays . On Fridays we let her bring some friends over for pizza and movie , as it’s her time to “ chill” . We live in a relatively big house and they mainly stay in the garden or in the games room downstairs they don’t really bother us , she Keeps them out of the way and sometimes I even forget they are there. Most of them leave leave relatively early . However, one of the friends doesn’t seem to have a curfew to go home. Sometimes it’s 11pm and the friend is still at my place. I have to prompt her to leave every time, and my DD gets in a mood with me., accusing me of being rude . Should the friend’s parents give their teen a time to leave my house ? Or should I make it clear from the beginning? They all go to the same school and are local to us but I haven’t met the parents as when they do come to collect their teen they don’t even knock on on my door to introduce themselves. I find it either ODD to say the least . Just wondering what other people would do if they are in my shoes?

It's your house - if you don't want her there past a certain time, then you need to make that clear before she comes over IMO.

So say to DD "Sophie is more than welcome on Friday but she needs to leave when Becky and Amy do at 9pm" - or whatever you want the rule to be.

Or "if Sophie wants to stay over that's fine but I need to speak to her parents first to arrange for them to collect her tomorrow as we're off to do X at 10am".

And then follow through. My dad never hesitated in coming up and kicking my friends out if he'd had enough

I think just have a chat with DD and agree a rule for when friends leave - 9:30 seems reasonable.

Just let them stay over? Your daughter's "busy schedule of activities" sounds highly regimented... If a sleepover on a Friday night would impact on them, maybe let her choose which she prefers?

I get a whatapp from my DS friends parents saying "great can you pick up at 10pm" that's it.. just communicate with the girls parents?

I'm not sure why you wouldn't set the time yourself.

Our house is open all hours for our teens friends, so I do appreciate the guide on other peoples timings and respect it, for me 10.30-11 on a Friday would be normal pick up time, not 9.30.

I have teens and I set the time limits for when their friends are here.
Make sure your DD knows in advance so she tells her friends you can come to mine from 6-10 or whatever. Mine know they need to police that or I will intervene.

On the odd occasion we have a straggler left I go in ask if she's ok to get home or if she needs a lift now

Check in with daughter that friend is okay if she’s reluctant to go home every time

THIS ⬆️⬆️⬆️

Also tell your DD what time her friends are welcome to stay until & then she can deal with it herself...she's growing up, let her take some responsibility & police it if she doesn't comply. The stroppy rude accusations are because she was embarrassed that you told friend to leave, she'd likely see this as babying her & this is the sort of age they get mega sensitive about being babied, even when they are wrong.

Though as it's Friday, I'd personally leave them be & let the girl stay if your dad is happy with that. Rules on noise etc apply & if they don't follow them, then she loses the right to do this

Your house, your rules. Ignore your daughters sulking and tell her friend goes home by 10pm or no one comes over at all. When she has her own house she can set the rules.

You need to talk to the parents. If you're being told the girl's parents don't like it either, I'd get their number and agree a curfew with them, because it sounds like they're being told you're happy for her to stay for as long as she likes. If I were her parents, I'd be hacked off that every Friday night now revolved around picking her up at 11pm from the same house. And don't you ever just want to hang out as a family on a Friday yourselves?

I'm sure the girl's parents are capable of putting their own limits on their daughter's social escapades 😂
They'll hardly be fuming at not being able to pick their dd up until 11pm because op has told her it's ok.

I think it’s absolutely fine to set the boundaries with your DD and her friends so they know what time they have to go home/be picked up. If the others leave around 9pm, why not state that’s the rule for everyone, unless it’s a sleepover/special event. my 13 year old DD often has her group of friends over, and I would always just let them know fairly early on, that they’ll need to go home/be picked up by X time.

This is a perfect opportunity to let DD play the face-saving "My strict Parents Say NO " card.

First, you explain to DD the practical reasons why a friend that age can't stay that late. There are other people in the house, adults who go to work, need their sleep, are responsible for security and safety of the home and people under their roof. They need to go to bed knowing the house is locked up, secure, all visitors gone.F is young enough that you have an adult responsibility to ensure she is safely collected and will get home safe. So you can't go off to sleep before F leaves.

So there is going to be an official timelimit on ALL teen evening visitors, which is 9.30. THis parental rule applies to all DD's friends. She now has the opportunity to make sure the night owl friend complies (blame the cruel mean control-freak parents) . DD has the chance to be responsible and manage the situation herself.

If she doesn't. then YOU will explain the new rule to DF in person.

An important part of parenting, is teaching children social skills they will need from teens on. How to say no , how to extricate themselves from peer pressure. When, and how, to politely show someone the door.

My DD has a friend who is here almost every weekend, so much so that they have nicknamed our house “dad’s house” (as in spending weekends with non-resident parent)

however, my daughter has a newly diagnosed medical condition and she is happier handling it at home in case she has an episode, so there is a back story. I also know her parents and they understand why most time is at our house rather than shared.

How does your DD friend get home at 11pm at night? Do you know her parents?

I think Friday night at 11pm is far too late to be going home. Her parents don't sound great.

I’d stop worrying about the parents think/do/expect.

Agree with your dd about a general rule for ALL her friends.
eg they are very welcome but have to leave for 9.30pm. House rule.
Remind everyone when walk though the door, nit just the more difficult friend.

When 9.30pm comes, remind her of the time limit.

That way you have your time limit and you aren’t rude either.

What about a set timeframe for all e.g. 15-22:00 ect ?

She will be telling her parents "i want to stay, everyone else stays til 11. Jenny's parents dont mind."

Your house your rules. 3pm til 9.30/10 is more thab reasonable. Tell dd she has to let friends know and if that is awkward for her then you will.

I give my daughter a time that I want our home back. She knows she doesn't get to invite friends around again for a very long time if she doesn't cooperate.

Her time for entertaining friends until whatever hours will come when she's responsible for her own accommodation. Whilst she lives with us we'll have house rules that make it a nice environment for all of us. She knows better than to sulk at me because of it.

I’d be making my daughter to get her mate to leave, if her friend continues to stay late tell your daughter the Friday nights can’t go on.