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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I left my partner because of my teen

28 replies

CalmRaven · 02/07/2022 10:56

This is going to be a long post, so just to warn you up front!

Four years ago, I moved in with my partner. We had been together for four years and renovated a house to 'blend' our families together. I had one son who was 14 and his son was 17, and also Asperger's. I wasn't sure how things would go, but made the commitment and tried really hard for 3 years.

Unfortunately my son did not get along with my partner. He was a typical teen, stroppy behaviour, untidy, backchat etc. Nothing too bad but taxing nonetheless. My son went to live with his dad for a bit and ended up having to come back to us after covid because he couldn't get on with his dad either, his dad actually assaulted him in the end. Well at this point my partner was going through a difficult time with his sons mental health issues. He ended up telling me he couldn't stand my son and that he didn't want him living in his house.

It's a very complicated situation but I didn't feel I had any other choice than to leave with my son. Which I did just over a year ago. It was the worst time of my life. We broke up for a while but we were both miserable and got back together in April. But living separately is hard on both of us.

My son continued his behaviour with me and has made life difficult for me. He's recently flunked his college course, lost his part time job and now refuses to spend time at home if I'm there. He hates that I'm back with my partner.

Now that my son has turned 18, my partner wants me to move back. Everyone keeps telling me that I should have stayed living with my partner and made my son tow the line or made him live elsewhere!! I feel like everyone in my family blames me and all think that I shouldn't have moved out.

My question is was I right to leave? I don't see that I had a choice? I felt that I had to choose between my partner and my son!

OP posts:
mumorworkduties · 02/07/2022 11:02

It sounds like you did have to choose. And you made the right choice. Always choose your kids over a partner.

It sounds like your son needs / wants to be the only focus of your life right now, especially after what his dad did.

Give your son this time, it won't come again.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2022 11:02

Yes of course you were. And I’d be concerned about the state of your relationship with your son as a result of staying so long, given that his father is abusive and he has nowhere else to go.

You chose to stay with him long enough that your son moved out for a while, that’s already too long.

JustHarriet · 02/07/2022 11:28

Prioritising your child when they are a minor is the right thing to do.

I think the situation is different once they are a legal adult. Your son's behaviour doesn't seem to have improved over the years and I wonder what support you have had for that? It sounds like there is a lack of respect if he refuses to be in the house with you while you are there and it makes me wonder if he has a sense of entitlement? Or does he contribute to the household and show responsibility, eg managing his own laundry, keeping his room tidy, cleaning the house?

ClocksGoingBackwards · 02/07/2022 11:45

Yes you were right to leave, it sounds like you should have done it sooner.

Your family don’t sound very nice tbh, their priority should have been your sons welfare, not your relationship status.

Original poster
CalmRaven · 02/07/2022 19:09

Thanks all! Yes I defo should have left earlier. But you commit to a relationship albeit without getting married, but essentially the same. You have to give it a good try. He doesn't contribute to the bills and has no reason to not be at home. I guess I just have to let him live his life how he wants and just be there for him if he needs me. But without being taken advantage of x

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 02/07/2022 19:15

There was a thread recently where a man ended the relationship because his daughter didn't get on with the woman. He was described as all sorts (none nice) for choosing his daughter over his new partner. You made a decision in favour of your son and it sounds as if even though he's older now he still needs the security of home even if he doesn't show it.

Luckything50 · 02/07/2022 22:45

I was a complete bitch to my mother from the age of 15 to about 18 when I left home. She never stopped trying, always forgave me and never married her partner (my father died when I was 8) because she knew I didn’t get on with him.
when I left home they kind of picked it up again but the moment had passed.

however, her love for me and ability to put me first gave me an innate confidence that I will always be grateful for. it has stayed with me throughout my life and I have generally been a relaxed, calm and optimistic personality due in large part to having had that unconditional parental love and support.

when my lovely mum died in 2019 my brother and I took it in turns to live with her in her last few months so she could stay at home. We put her first.

always prioritise your children. That love will affect their dna and reap rewards for a lifetime.

I love my husband dearly and we’ve been married over 20 years. My children come first and I’d expect him to say the same.

Hied · 02/07/2022 22:58

You 100% did the right thing.

Phewthatwasclose · 02/07/2022 23:31

Luckything50 · 02/07/2022 22:45

I was a complete bitch to my mother from the age of 15 to about 18 when I left home. She never stopped trying, always forgave me and never married her partner (my father died when I was 8) because she knew I didn’t get on with him.
when I left home they kind of picked it up again but the moment had passed.

however, her love for me and ability to put me first gave me an innate confidence that I will always be grateful for. it has stayed with me throughout my life and I have generally been a relaxed, calm and optimistic personality due in large part to having had that unconditional parental love and support.

when my lovely mum died in 2019 my brother and I took it in turns to live with her in her last few months so she could stay at home. We put her first.

always prioritise your children. That love will affect their dna and reap rewards for a lifetime.

I love my husband dearly and we’ve been married over 20 years. My children come first and I’d expect him to say the same.

What a lovely post! My relationship with my mum is similar, and you are right, it makes a HUGE difference to how you turn out as a person! ❤️

Branleuse · 02/07/2022 23:32

You did the right thing

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/07/2022 23:46

It’s no one else’s bloody business! Who are these family members criticising you for your decisions about your own life?

You did the right thing in the midst of a difficult situation.

EmptyWineBottle · 03/07/2022 08:11

Yes, at his age it sounds like you did the right thing, but I do think it’s time to prioritise yourself and your future now.

I’m not in touch with my eighteen year old who cut me and my family off a couple of years ago when he moved back to live with his dad. There was a history of abuse (against me not DS). DS seemed to act just like his dad had done/write the most vicious things. It made me ill at the time.

I ended up with depression and had to take four months off work, so unlike the poster above, haven’t been able to get over DS’s horrible nasty treatment of his mum. Sad to say that no contact probably remains the best thing for my mental health.

No other mental health issues ever in 48 years but DS truly broke me at the time, it was worse than my very awful divorce.

SnowWhitesSM · 03/07/2022 08:22

@Luckything50 do you not feel guilty that your mum didn't get to have a loving adult relationship with the man she loved because of your behaviour?

I think you did the right thing OP, I would have done the same. But, now he's 18 you are allowed to have your own life. Your adult son doesn't get to dictate your love life. I think some family counselling for you and him would be good if he would go, your relationship with your son sounds like it needs some outside support to make it right again.

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2022 08:23

What is your son doing with himself now? Is he in education, working? He won't stay at home while you are there, so where is he staying the rest of the time.

I think you did the right thing leaving while your son was 14 and dependant. But now he is 18 and by the sound of things treating you appallingly. What is his reasoning for refusing to be around you?

If that's how he feels and assuming you haven't been abusing him then I would be taking steps to get him living independently, as it's really not viable for him to keep living with you. And then yes, I would move in with your partner.

Luckything50 · 03/07/2022 09:29

@SnowWhitesSM Do I feel guilty? No, it’s over 30 years ago now. Did I feel guilty? Certainly, for a while, in my 20s probably, but ultimately it had been her decision and one made out of love and because it was the only real option to her as she always put her children first. As would I in her place.

Original poster
CalmRaven · 03/07/2022 09:49

Thanks again everyone. My son is staying at his girlfriends/friends/sofa surfing basically. I drove past him in town yesterday and he looked like a homeless person, a complete bum. He's not going back to college, he's not working. He phones and asks for money for 'food' about once/twice a week. But essentially has cut me off. Everyone says I should stop giving him money but I worry he's not eating. I know that I need to get on with my own life and it was good to hear the positive comments. I just wish he would talk to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmRaven · 03/07/2022 09:54

Oh forgot to say that I would like to do some counselling with him but don't honk he would! I will ask when I see him!

OP posts:
stayingpositiveifpossible · 03/07/2022 09:58

Young people in this age group neurotypical or not - have had a horrendously appalling time during Covid which has affected their mental health. Re missed/home ed/stress etc.

Parents and carers have had the same as far as I'm concerned.

I personally believe that this age group needs an awful lot of parenting - because they are vulnerable. Even though there is a lot of pressure for us to believe they are completely independent adults. (Indeed they think they are at times - but then something goes wrong and they really need someone to be there for them).

Personally I think that things might have started to get pear shaped with the 'moving in' thing and the pressure to do so.

If you really want this relationship can you rekindle it by dating? And not even think about moving in? Surely that would feel like a new start and take the pressure off? Or even just be friends again and see where it takes you.

It is a shame your partner and yourself couldn't support each other in your journeys looking after adolescents respectively. I wonder why this was? Surely you had a lot in common on this front?

If this doesn't work out and you are lonely exploring a relationship surely try apps like Frolo for single parents or join groups/socialise/try a new skill and see where it takes you.

It can be competeley gruelling but at the same time exciting looking after a teen. There is so much pressure from society about what you will do when they leave home...

Personally - I can see in the current climate that they will potentially need you more than ever in that first year at college/uni etc. These transitions don't happen from one day to the next they are gradual.

Try to appreciate the time you have now - try to focus on yourself and what you need. It is not compulsory to live with a partner, any partner and indeed many later in life or earlier in life don't want to or dont 'see the need to.

stayingpositiveifpossible · 03/07/2022 10:01

Just checked and read DS is eighteen.

That is really hard. But I do still believe he needs parenting. (shoot me down for that some mumsnetters!)

However that doesn't mean he can abuse you emotionally. Try to be there for him but strike a balance.

custardbear · 03/07/2022 10:05

It's absolutely time right thing to do to prioritise your child when they're children, it's perhaps a shame you didn't do this earlier
However, it seems he's falling out with everyone! What's his issue with the world?

SnowWhitesSM · 03/07/2022 10:08

OP if he's sofa surfing it sounds like he's really unhappy. Can you go grab him next time you drop off food and tempt him in the car to go get a burger or similar and work out what to do to make this better. He's communicating that he feels hurt with his behaviour.

Maybe take him down the council and see if there's a support service (usually a 18 to 25) to refer him too.

CinderellaFant · 03/07/2022 10:13

Rather than give him money for food, tell him there's food at home and to come home for a cooked meal.

Fireflygal · 03/07/2022 10:15

He hates that I'm back with my partner

Do you know why? Does he have valid issues? Sometimes we lose respect for a parent if they have tolerated a bad partner.

18 is still young given the nightmare that he would have experienced over the last 2 years and he hadn't had a positive teen experience- how old was he when you moved your partner in?

Please reach out him, left him know he is loved and you want him to know he has a place to stay. I can't imagine how I would feel if my young adult had been struggling with my partner choices for several years.

Sillyotter · 03/07/2022 10:35

You did the right thing. My mum initially chose a partner over me even after finding clear evidence he was in the wrong and not me. She kicked me out at his request and I had to pack a suitcase and leave. I was an adult but I was only 21. She eventually left him but then secretly carried on with him on and off for a few more years thinking I didn’t know. We’re ok now but it damaged our relationship irreparably.

ClaryFairchild · 03/07/2022 10:38

My DS has just turned 15. I look at him and I cannot imagine making him move into a house with another adult authority figure and a 17 year with Asperger's who clearly has issues if your partner wasn't coping when your DS moved back in. That was a hell of a lot to ask of him. I'm not surprised he's angry with you. You completely disrupted his life. You gained a partner, he just had his life disrupted.

I don't think you're going to mend fences with him anytime soon if you keep seeing your partner I'm afraid.