I left my partner because of my teen

[CalmRaven]

This is going to be a long post, so just to warn you up front!

Four years ago, I moved in with my partner. We had been together for four years and renovated a house to 'blend' our families together. I had one son who was 14 and his son was 17, and also Asperger's. I wasn't sure how things would go, but made the commitment and tried really hard for 3 years.

Unfortunately my son did not get along with my partner. He was a typical teen, stroppy behaviour, untidy, backchat etc. Nothing too bad but taxing nonetheless. My son went to live with his dad for a bit and ended up having to come back to us after covid because he couldn't get on with his dad either, his dad actually assaulted him in the end. Well at this point my partner was going through a difficult time with his sons mental health issues. He ended up telling me he couldn't stand my son and that he didn't want him living in his house.

It's a very complicated situation but I didn't feel I had any other choice than to leave with my son. Which I did just over a year ago. It was the worst time of my life. We broke up for a while but we were both miserable and got back together in April. But living separately is hard on both of us.

My son continued his behaviour with me and has made life difficult for me. He's recently flunked his college course, lost his part time job and now refuses to spend time at home if I'm there. He hates that I'm back with my partner.

Now that my son has turned 18, my partner wants me to move back. Everyone keeps telling me that I should have stayed living with my partner and made my son tow the line or made him live elsewhere!! I feel like everyone in my family blames me and all think that I shouldn't have moved out.

My question is was I right to leave? I don't see that I had a choice? I felt that I had to choose between my partner and my son!

You did the right thing. Suppose you had not - you would never forgive yourself for not trying to get on with son.
It might be a legal age for things but they still need us for a few years more.

Thanks again all for your posts. I thought I was doing the right thing by moving in with my partner, trying to create a more stable home for both of us financially and having the support of a 'father figure' for him. But unfortunately my partner was unable to do this, something I hadn't anticipated! My sons dad made both our lives difficult when we were married, hence my need to make life better. I now know that this wasn't the right decision. I have always told my son that I have his back and that he always has a home with me. I don't plan on living with my partner at present but am getting pressure from him to move back. I won't be. It's been a complete nightmare and I just needed reassurance that I wasn't being a pushover (like everyone says I am). It's good to get opinions from others that aren't emotionally involved. Thanks

This is really really hard and I would always say choose your kids over a partner but it isn't always that simple. To complicated to go into on here but my friend was being manipulated by her children and they were hugely jealous when she got a new partner. They did everything they could to split them up the police were even involved. She was damned if she did and damned if she didn't. One of her children who is now in his 20's is so apologetic for what he put her through and they now have a great relationship. Unfortunately her eldest child tried to kill her stepdad and turned to a life of crime and is now in prison and my friend blames herself for this.

You shouldn't actually have to choose - and if you have children you are basically stuffed what ever you choose.