16yr old daughter and boyfriend boundaries in our home

[LPOW]

My 16, nearly 17 year old has been dating her bf, who is also 16, for near 2 months. He’s an ok boy and seems to make her happy, however when she invites him home to our house I always feel like a stranger in my own home.
Im a single working mum and really happy that my daughter feels she is able to bring friends, boys home, but she always crosses boundaries.
When the bf first came to our house it was for a bbq with the house pretty full with family and friends. I did say they could go to her bedroom on this occasion as there would be very limited room in the house for them. The deal was that the bedroom door remained open. This she did.
Following this, the next few visits from him they went straight to her room, this time with the house empty other than myself.
As I was not happy with this, firstly for my own conscience and that of the boys mother finding out, I spoke with my daughter before him coming next time saying, I would have upstairs and she could have downstairs. Unfortunately when he arrived, she went straight up stairs with him and I didn’t say anything.

My concerns are this; I always have to pick him up OR run him home - which is a 23mile round trip. They don’t see each other that much, perhaps once every two weeks but they speak every night on FaceTime and they very rarely go out to do anything, although they have lots of joint friends.
When I dropped him home yesterday I told my daughter straight, that I was annoyed she crossed the boundary that had been set , but if he comes again they are not to go to her room and they stay downstairs or go out.
She took it well and said she did not realise, although she could see I was clearly upset when they’d spent 4 hours in her room yesterday.

The other thing is, she never has invites to his home, although his grandparents took them both to a festival a few weeks back it’s always me doing and spending on them.

My daughter is a good girl really but is quite needy in respect of having a boyfriend, I often wonder if this is due to her father never being around during her upbringing, although he is now in a strange way - as he lives in a different country?

Why do I feel so rubbish about all this 🥺 Am I being a rubbish unkind mum?

Thank you for reading.

I’m ready for honest answers and constructive criticism if needed👍

I don't see the problem with them hanging out in her room. Ask her to keep her door ajar.

No way would I be doing the pick ups and drop offs. That needs to stop now. Bad enough ferrying your own dc around let alone others. He can bus/cycle/ they can meet at a mutually convenient place.

She's nearly 17, I think you need to relax and give them some privacy.

The thing is, her bedroom is her place. Where her things are and that's where she feels comfortable regardless of a boy being there. I've got two teenagers and they spend a lot of time in their own bedrooms.

If your concerns are about her having sex, then that's what you need to be talking about with her. Not geography.

Everyone is different but I wouldn't have a problem with them having some privacy at this age. As for the drop offs, you don't need to all the running, you are choosing to so just say no sometimes. Perhaps his home isn't a happy one and that's why he seeks sanctuary at yours? No matter the reason, you have created a home for your daughter where her friends are happy to hang out and choose to spend their time there, that's a great thing!

I’d rather have my DD and her boyfriend at my house - so that would not concern me.

Is there public transport at least partway to his home so you don’t have to drive all the way??

Id also be encouraging them to meet half way sometimes.

She is nearly 17. What's the issue exactly with them being in her room? If you're worried about them having sex, they will find a way of doing it if they want to. Better in the safety and comfort of your own home than somewhere dodgy imo. I presume you've talked to her about safe sex, contraception, consent etc.

The drop offs/pick ups sound a pain. Can't they get the bus or meet in the middle somewhere? Do they both have part time jobs and if so, could they pay for an uber sometimes?

You are being unfair. You told her to take boyfriend to her room the first time. She did. She keeps the door open as you ask.
She needs to be able to take her friends/boyfriend to her space . Sh is entitled to privacy- she is nearly 17!!
I was in this exact situation with DD 15 (now 16) and we set the door always open rule and then allowed them into her room from the beginning.

It’s her room, and they are nearly 18 so maybe stop worrying about that.
Absolutely stop ferrying them around, it’s entirely up to them to make the effort to travel to see each other and entertain themselves. As I said, they are nearly 18.

The conversation you should be having with her is about contraception and protecting herself. Shes 17. I would also not be doing drop offs/pickups / can't he get a bus? At most I would meet half way.

They are 16. Not nearly 18.

I would much rather my house was the one DD chooses to stay in. Have the talk about safe sex, including how to keep her heart safe, give her resources and supplies if necessary. Its going to happen no matter what...just try to be open and accepting so she feels she can talk to you about it

You have set boundaries, she should respect them. This is your home and your safe place and your doing it to safeguard her for her age (16-17 is still quite young and impressionable). I don’t think your being unreasonable at all, you’ve given her the option to have the entirety of the downstairs whilst you go up stairs.
This is something your daughter has to respect. Although, it is quite strange she’s never invited over to his, isn’t it?
Is he polite, greatful for the lifts to and from his home?

I think this needs a deeper discussion than just you setting boundaries. You need to talk with her about why you want these boundaries in place. Talk about your thoughts about her embarking on a sexual relationship, and provide all the relevant info. Talk about you feelings about them having sex in your home while you are there. You are allowed to have your thoughts and feelings about all of this and discussing it with her is the way to go.

If she were having sex with him, she is doing nothing illegal. The issue is your feelings about this.

Personally i think yabu.
She is 17 not 7, If they want to chill in the bedroom its understandable, they want privacy to chat and do what they want.

You sound very passive - it wasn't unfortunate that they went to her room. They did it and you could have sorted it but chose not to

You don't have to ferry him around at all - you're choosing to

Everyone has different boundaries and if yours is that you don't want them in her room then you need to assert that.

Stop ferrying him around for starters.

Make it clear bedroom is out of bounds if that's what you are happy with it door open.

I certainly wouldn't be making it easy for them at this age and after only 2 months.

**OR door open

I’m a single parent. I see where you are coming from regarding your Dd being in her bedroom. Often I’m sitting on my own in the lounge and my teens are entertaining upstairs - it’s lonely I get that. But teens will always do this. It’s natural. They like their rooms and privacy. I also find it awkward having another young adult around the house but that’s because my kids and I have been a threesome for years …. But you have to let go. Talk about boundaries but also about sex. If it’s awkward go for a drive, then you don’t have to look at each other.

I wouldn’t have a problem dropping the BF off at night. I prefer them to be at mine. You need to think about that - would you prefer she stayed at his for the weekend.

my 17 year old only sees his GF occasionally but talk and text constantly. Remember they can’t go to pubs. So would you prefer they hang around the park? Be careful what you wish for OP. Good luck.

It’s ok if you don’t want him in her bedroom. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. At the end of the day it’s your house and they’re still young. We didn’t let dd have boyfriends in her room and I think it actually encouraged her to go off to university as she knew she could get up to whatever she liked! 😆 She’s very happy, social and hasn’t had any issues with boyfriends - and we have a fantastic and close relationship (she’s nearly 20 now).

The ferrying them about thing would be a massive thing for me! 23 miles! Sod that. If they’re grown up enough to have a relationship they can sort their own travel arrangements out. If it’s a money issue they need to get part time jobs!

She’s 16, not 12. She’s entitled to privacy in her bedroom, surely. Instead of just putting your fingers in your ears and pretending they’re not having sex, why not have a chat about safe sex and contraception? You’re going to create an environment where she won’t talk to you.

You don’t have to run the boyfriend around, though. He can get a bus.

Thank you for your kind comment.

We have already talked about sex and discussed contraception - which she has fitted 👍

It not the issue having sex but that she has broken boundaries making me feel like a stranger in my own home.

He won’t catch a bus - again was a issue

Thanks again 👍

Thank you 👍

Thank you 👍🤗

You’re absolutely right. His home is not a happy one and he always feels happy at ours.
Thank you for helping me reflect 🤗👍

Thank you 🙏 👍