16yr old daughter and boyfriend boundaries in our home

[LPOW]

My 16, nearly 17 year old has been dating her bf, who is also 16, for near 2 months. He’s an ok boy and seems to make her happy, however when she invites him home to our house I always feel like a stranger in my own home.
Im a single working mum and really happy that my daughter feels she is able to bring friends, boys home, but she always crosses boundaries.
When the bf first came to our house it was for a bbq with the house pretty full with family and friends. I did say they could go to her bedroom on this occasion as there would be very limited room in the house for them. The deal was that the bedroom door remained open. This she did.
Following this, the next few visits from him they went straight to her room, this time with the house empty other than myself.
As I was not happy with this, firstly for my own conscience and that of the boys mother finding out, I spoke with my daughter before him coming next time saying, I would have upstairs and she could have downstairs. Unfortunately when he arrived, she went straight up stairs with him and I didn’t say anything.

My concerns are this; I always have to pick him up OR run him home - which is a 23mile round trip. They don’t see each other that much, perhaps once every two weeks but they speak every night on FaceTime and they very rarely go out to do anything, although they have lots of joint friends.
When I dropped him home yesterday I told my daughter straight, that I was annoyed she crossed the boundary that had been set , but if he comes again they are not to go to her room and they stay downstairs or go out.
She took it well and said she did not realise, although she could see I was clearly upset when they’d spent 4 hours in her room yesterday.

The other thing is, she never has invites to his home, although his grandparents took them both to a festival a few weeks back it’s always me doing and spending on them.

My daughter is a good girl really but is quite needy in respect of having a boyfriend, I often wonder if this is due to her father never being around during her upbringing, although he is now in a strange way - as he lives in a different country?

Why do I feel so rubbish about all this 🥺 Am I being a rubbish unkind mum?

Thank you for reading.

I’m ready for honest answers and constructive criticism if needed👍

I was going to suggest that. This is likely why he can’t invite your DD and might also be why he can’t catch a bus. They cost money- which he might not be provided. He also might not have freedom to go where he pleases if it’s that sort of environment.

I’d give them privacy.

you really need to stop ferrying him about though.

I don't understand why you feel like a stranger in your own home? Would you feel the same if she was hanging out with a female friend in her room?

I do kind of understand this. I find it hard to just relax and do my own thing when dd had friends round, or when her boyfriend is here. No idea why - they're all absolutely lovely - I think it's just something about having other people here in the house who aren't family. I deal with it though because I want her to feel that she can entertain her friends. It's her home too.

Might be something to do with the fact that the downstairs of our house is open plan...I feel very exposed somehow! But I recognise that it's entirely my problem and nothing that dd or her friends are doing wrong!

Why on earth does it make you feel like a stranger in your own home if they’re sat in her room? Surely it would make you feel more uncomfortable if he was sat in your living room? Leave them to it op, they’re almost 17. Though I will say I’d be knocking the lifts on the head. His travel arrangements or bus fare is not your concern

He won’t catch a bus - again was a issue

Of course he won't when he knows the alternative is you driving him about!
Maybe put a limit on it if there's a bus he could catch but is just refusing - you'll drive him back but he has to make his own way there? Or you'll do the driving but only once a month?

If he won't cat h a bus then there's your answer in putting the brakes on things a bit.

Thank you 🤗

I'd say let them in her room, door open if you want.
You say contraceptive is fitted, but they should be using condoms re sti

Re the bus and spending money on them. Be honest with dd
He's welcome to come round but I can't afford takeaways, days out or taxiing you both around.
He needs to leave enough time to get a bus home safely.

I really don't get your problem with this. Well,the driving maybe, but the bedroom thing -not at all.You know they are having sex ( otherwise why the contraception)
Would you rather they did it in the bus station or a park?

Thank you for your kind comment.

We have already talked about sex and discussed contraception - which she has fitted 👍

It not the issue having sex but that she has broken boundaries making me feel like a stranger in my own home.

He won’t catch a bus - again was a issue

Thanks again 👍

Thank you for understanding 🤗

You’re absolutely right! My dd also spends a lot of time in her bedroom - this is never an issue.

We had a discussion about sex well before she met her boyfriend and is readily prepared for contraception too 👍

It was my dd breaking boundaries that made me feel rubbish 🙄

Thank you for responding though 👍

Thank you for your response.

Yes, you’re absolutely right!

I would prefer her to be at home and yes I know it’s going to happen. We talked about sex well before he came along and she is readily prepared for contraception. 👍

I think I was just upset that a boundary had been set and she broke it.

Thank you for taking the time to respond 👍

Yes, the driving around needs to stop - all the time. I guess as we live in a rural area it’s just become a habit. 🙄

His home is an unhappy one. He tragically lost his father over 2yrs ago in a freak accident and although he is well looked after by his mum, he’s not happy there 😞

Thank you for being understanding and helping me reflect.👍

I keep seeing threads on here about parents of teenagers driving them around at the DC’s will. It’s crazy.

completely agree: part time job and catch the bus

I don’t think it’s so much her going to her room I have an issue with but the fact that she had broken a boundary that had been requested the day before ..

Thank you for your response 👍