Teen with no friends - would you consider moving schools at this point?

[busybeeee222]

My dd is in year 10 so will be doing her gcse's next year. She has struggled with friends the whole time in the school she is in. She has a friend or is part of a group for a while but never really feels like she fits in, then she makes new friends and the same thing seems to happen. She has never made any solid friends.

She goes to clubs out of school and makes friends fine and is friends with my friends children and that is all fine, so I really don't understands why she struggles so much at school.

She has recently been spending lunchtime in the toilets as she feels so lonely and embarrassed.

I'm wondering if i should move her schools but also I'm worried about doing that has she has her gcse's next year and I know it's massive to move them at this point.

What would you do? My dd is very friendly and speaks with loads of children but just doesn't have people to hang out with and honestly I can see it is making her so sad and she comes home really deflated and just looks really sad. I cant handle it.

What would you do? Would you move her schools for a new start? Or do you think it will be too much at the start of year 11?

I don't have any answers for you. Moving schools at this time is really inadvisible. Is there anyway she can repeat yr 10 in a new school.

What are her thoughts on it? Do you have any insight as to why she’s unable to keep friends? From the sounds of things she’s managed to get herself into various groups multiple times, but ends up getting dropped from them. Could there be something she’s doing to cause this? I’d be worried about her moving schools but encountering the same problem.

It would be incredibly disruptive to move right before GCSE year - unless there was a suitable school following exactly the syllabuses she’s already studying, with the same exam boards. I don’t know what the chances of that are.

What does she say? Does she take no comfort from having friendships outside school? Are you certain there’s no specific problem (bullying / abuse?) that’s driving her to the loos at lunchtime. That must be horrible for her.

But why are there no lunchtime clubs or societies she could take part in over lunch? She wouldn’t need to be friends with the other participants. And the school ought to be making sure she’s having a satisfactory experience. Would she hate it if you had a meeting with the school? I do think you need to hear from the school leadership before you do anything else.

One would hope they’d do enough to get her through GCSEs, then she could move for A’ Levels.

I'm sorry your daughter is having a tough time, teenage girls and friendships is a mine field! Have you spoken to the school? It's a bit different but I have a dd with additional needs and she really struggles with the unstructured nature of lunchtimes. She spends time doing a 'job' for members of the school support team or they have a designated quiet area she can access to sit and read. It wouldn't solve the problem of friendships but might make her feel more comfortable at lunchtimes

It used to be that pupils who felt friendless spent their break / lunchtimes in the library. Obviously not ideal - but better than what the OP’s daughter is going through.

Is this perhaps a school without a library?

I moved DD aged 10 for a similar reason and she is much happier.

Shes younger though and a new girl is exciting at that age and is accepted easily.

What do you think is the cause of the problem? Is her class culture a bit toxic or cliquey? Did she get off to a bad start and just can’t catch up - everyone else has history together and she got left out? If so - if she feels that the class is the problem and not her (extreme shyness, aggression etc) and it’s been going on for longer than a couple of years - a move might be worth it. Maybe after the GCSEs?

@Goodskin46 - I don't think I would want her to repeat year 10 as her school work is fine so it would just delay her leaving school.

@Ihatethenewlook - she really wants to move schools, we spoke about it yesterday and she asked me to contact another school and she has text me twice today asking if i have called them.

I can't work out what the problem is, but she has never really felt like she clicked properly in the groups she has been in. It has been fine at times for a while but never stays that way.

@MuddlerInLaw - I think because she is at school everyday it's so hard feeling alone. She recently joined a new group but one of the girls has been quite mean to her so she stopped hanging around with these girls (which I agreed with) she sometimes hangs out with a group of boys who she has been friends with h=for years, but she is the only girl and often feels like they don't want her in the group.
Also there is currently no library as it's a new school and they are building a new library and they used a classroom as a library before but needed it for new classes.
There are no clubs she can join at lunchtime but I have spoken with the school and they will give her a pass to go to a quiet room where the children with special needs hang out. She is happier about this instead of sitting alone or going to the toilets.

@IndigoSkye yes I have spoken with them and they will be giving her a pass for a quiet room, but i emailed them this morning to see if they sorted it and she wont have it until tomorrow, so it's just another lunchtime for her to feel alone. I do sometimes wonder if she could be a little autistic but I have spoken with the school before and they said no they do not believe this is the case.

@Thereisnolight - I do feel like the children can be cliquey and yes she seems to feel left out alot and not kept her friends long enough to build up proper friendships. Also she has spent alot of time hanging out with a group of boys i think because boys arnt as bitchy as girls but she also feels left out there. I can't quite put my finger on what the problem is. I feel like she is very friendly and gets on well with people but maybe she tries too hard. And the girl is was hanging around with recently says things like she is too loud sometimes when she's talking etc, I'm not sure if she is trying to be really bubbly and funny to try to make friends but it's not working.

I don't get what the problem is but i feel like i can't just leave her in the school being miserable but also moving her might not help the issue and as we live in London it's really difficult to get into schools.

I'm not british, is the syllabus really different from school to school ? Is it not harmonized at a national level ? If not the decision is trickier, but on balance I think if this was what she wanted I'd try to make it happen. A school in which she's happy is a much better learning environment.

I would be very cautious about moving her without first being very clear about the source of the problem. If her lack of friends in school is down to a specific dynamic within her current school - bullying or similar - then it will probably help to move her to a new environment, but if the problems are stemming from something that dd herself is doing - poor social skills or similar - then there is a very real possibility that the problem will follow her to a new school. Personally, I think that would be devastating to her self esteem.

I don't think that her ability to make friends outside of school is necessarily evidence that she has the skills to make and maintain friendships in school. Out of school friendships tend to be much less intense in my experience, and it's a bit easier for them to overlook annoying traits in each other.

I'm not saying that your dd is necessarily the root of the problem at all, but I think you owe it to her to try and find out if it's something that she is doing that is getting in her way, otherwise she will continue to struggle in the future. I was that kid hiding in the toilet in the early years of secondary school. It was utterly miserable and I really wish that someone had actually taken me aside and helped me to improve my social skills rather than just offering sympathy and telling me that the other kids were being mean.

Of course, I know it's easier said than done to get to the bottom of these things, but you sound like a great parent so I'm sure you'll find a way! I hope that things improve for your dd soon.

From your update, moving may not help (right now at least). There is no bullying or active nastiness? - she just isn’t being included. And you feel she may be a little divergent or at least a little socially unskilled and some comments from her peers may support this.

She does have friends outside of school - at structured activities? often what these children need! Can she persevere with these while the GCSEs are taking place, and then reassess. Promise her that you’ll look at moving her after that if she still wants to - but maybe both of you think a little in the meantime about divergence and how her self-esteem can be bolstered and where to find environments that she will be happiest in.

When you say that she hasn't kept her friends for long enough to build up proper friendships, what happens exactly? Does she fall out with them? Does she lose interest in them? Do they lose interest in her and start excluding her? Just trying to understand what is actually going wrong.

You could be writing about my dd. I will not move her. She is settled and happy-ish. Better the devil you know and all that, especially around GCSE years. I have made myself her best friend. Whatever she wants to do - shopping, cinema, any activity, any TV series, we do it together or her older brother does it with her - he's very kind and they get on really well so do at least have each other and are close in age. I know it's not ideal but better than nothing for now. Your dd is close to being off to college/sixth form where she will have more opportunities to find her tribe. If she's not actively unhappy I would leave well alone.

I do sometimes wonder if she could be a little autistic but I have spoken with the school before and they said no they do not believe this is the case

My dd is autistic. I wouldn't take anything the school says around this as useful tbh. As long as she's not causing problems they simply will not care or want to start the process of diagnosis due to financial and time constraints.

Is it a single sex or Co-Ed school? One thing that can crop up - which she may not have wanted to discuss with you - is that boys may find a particular girl ‘ignorable’. And if all her potential female friends have boyfriends, or at least, the attention of boys, she can find herself dreadfully isolated, unable to join in boy-related conversation and not included in social life.

Does she have any particular social views that don’t gel with her cohort?

Does she very obviously not dress in the current style - whatever that is?

Do they all have ponies and she not?

God, the memories …

I think a school move might be doable. There will be some parts of the syllabus she’s already doing and she can start catching up over the summer with new topics.
Is she autistic? Just asking as it could explain why she wants to fit in but friend groups don’t last.

Re: autism, school are not necessarily going to know. Many children are excellent maskers.

@Marty13 - our children pick their gcse options which they start in year 10 and if she moves schools it may be difficult to fit those subjects in with the new timetable, she could possibly have to change the chosen subjects.

@Anothernamechangeplease - I do worry if i move her what if it happens again. How could I find out the cause of the problem? I will be speaking with her head of year later but honestly i know they will not be able to help.

I have spoken with dd about all of her friendships and I'm not the time of parent to agree and say she is an angel and everyone else is wrong but alot of the time I can see why she wouldn't want to hang around with them.

I have in the past got dd online counselling to help with her 'relationships' with other children but it didn't seem to help much.

@Thereisnolight - she doesn't seem socially awkward, she is friendly and chatty so I don't think that is the issue, I think it's keeping friends. When she makes a new friend or starts hanging out with someone she is really happy and excited but maybe a little too much? Perhaps it could be off putting for the other children.

We have already agreed she will be moving for 6th form but she feels like another year of this is too much and when i see her looking utterly fed up after school I feel the same. If i was sure moving her would fix it I would do it right away, but I'm just not sure.

@Anothernamechangeplease - it's difficult to explain really but she will be in a group and doesn't seem to really click properly with them and feels like a bit of an outsider. One group she left for this reason.

Another group she was in she didn't feel close with them and they started being horrible to another girl in the group. then my dd and this other girl went on their own, it's abit like they started being friends because they were lonely, but they were just hanging around together and it was boring and not exciting, my dd tried to hang around with other people with her friend but the friend just wanted them to be alone which my dd found boring, as honeslty her friend didnt want to do anything and sat there not talking much etc, in the end the girl started hanging around with someone else and my dd went to another group.

One of the girls in the group has been quite mean to her so now she is on her own.

She has a group of boys she has been friends with for years and sometimes I wonder if she invests too much into the boy group instead of female friendships, but I can honestly say the groups she has been in and the things she has told me about them I do not think they would be great friends anyway.

This sounds exactly like me at that age and also my 16 year old son now. We are both autistic. We find friendships quite hard, but easier in certain settings and school isn't one of the good ones. I'd not move her, I don't think it will help.

@LondonWolf - how would you go about finding out if she is autistic? I have tired to speak with the doctors before but it seems like they expect it to come from the school.

Is there private tests you can have done?

I do not strongly think she is autistic, but dd herself has said it before. Also she has been friends with a few different autistic boys throughout the years and seems to get on really well with them.

If you are interested in a private autism assessment, the Lorna Wing Centres in Kent and Essex are renowned for their assessment of girls. If you want to stay local, just Google, ask around and look at reviews.
My daughter was assessed by CAMHS but that was because they were already working with her. If you’re not already in the system, you could have a long wait for assessment on the NHS.

It’s not really a year left it’s just over 2 terms as they will leave at exam time. I would make her wait it out.

there are private clinics, some specialise in girls, that you can contact for an ASD diagnosis. It will cost around £600-800. The schools won’t do much with it if there are few academic problems but I think it’s helpful for the DC to realise it’s not they are unlikeable but that they neurodiverse and so friendships are different.

I think realising that ASD is a social communication issue is helpful. If you listening to a two way conversation of a NT child versus an ASD child the difference is really noticeable. Girls mask a lot many times the point it’s extremely hard to diagnose.

She may not be socially awkward at all. She could just be unlucky and have fallen between stools in terms of friendships. In which case a change is scene may help. I guess if it was my child I would ask her to sit it out until after the GCSEs and then change if she’d still like to. Even just knowing this may make her feel more at ease.

Girls mask Autism really well and can go unnoticed for years. There are few high profile women brits just brought out podcasts about their diagnosis but I can't remember the names I'm afraid.

Maybe someone on here will know.

I find girls get a bit better by 16 but obv is an important year to come. However if your dd really wants this then maybe it's worth it for her.

My daughter has asd and this sounds familiar.. however I don't agree you should keep.her there if she wants to move.

If she does have friendships elsewhere this may be a combination of personality and bad luck

If she is brave and wants to give it a go somewhere else I'd say she is old enough to weigh up the pros and cons herself.

Let her visit a couple of schools
Talk through the pros and cons of moving and let her see

I have to say I think it's a very poor response from.the school to just say she can go and sit somewhere alone

You may find a school that has a more dynamic lunchtime clubs schedule for example

Re. The autism. Read drama queen by Sara Gibbs

I knew it would be a place with no library.

They should have built that first, and the rest of the school around it. Can the school authorities really not understand the difference between spending time in a library that’s open to all and needing a special pass for a ‘quiet room’? It’s criminal stupidity. And such a shame for the children who have to put up with such poor provision.