Is dh's comment on my parenting fair enough?

[MerryMarigold]

We were talking about when we were teens and I said, 'I think you always have to have issues with at least one of your parents when you're a teenager.' (For me it was my Mum who drove me nuts and we had lots of conflict, we are all good and close now! He is out of favor with DS1 and DD currently). Anyway dh said he didn't have issues with either of his parents and said this: "I really loved my mum because I knew whatever she was doing she would drop it if I needed something - unlike you ". I felt so insulted and like he's saying I'm not available to my kids.

This is apparently because when my kids 'need' something, snacks, clean clothes, I tell them to sort themselves out. They do all their own washing between them (I do have to remind them to do it, one wash each per week but I fold it all). They also make their own packed lunches 3x per week. I give them a lift to school on my way to work but on my day off they walk (20 mins). They have minimal cleaning chores (about 30 min per week). I have 2 13yos and a 16yo.

So do you think this is reasonable? Do you think I'm not available or loving? Do you think his mum's 'drop everything for my kids' is the way to be and I'm too 'hands off'? I'm somewhat reassured that I have a very close relationship with all my kids so maybe he's just being snippy out if jealousy but it did hurt.

He sounds (a) spoilt and (b) passive aggressive.
You sound like you are raising independent helpful youngsters, giving them life skills, and teaching them that mothers are not doormats. That is a vital lesson for both sons and daughters.

I don't think that the examples that you've given answer the questions tbh. Being willing to drop everything for your children (imo) is more about your reaction when they really need you, not what your day to day expectations of them are. So if one of them had a bad day, would you change plans to listen to their upset, would you collect them from an event if they weren't enjoying etc - those would be examples of dropping everything

I think you're encouraging your children to be self sufficient, capable adults unlike the whinge Mummy's boy you seem to have attached to you. Emotional availability is completely different to being at the kids beck and call for household tasks.

I'm using the example he gave me because I asked him what kind of things he needed and he said like if he was hungry she would stop what she was doing and cook for him. He couldn't remember other things so it was a bit vague but she did everything: all cooking, shopping, cleaning, working f/t so I imagine it means I'm not enough of a martyr. His mum was totally emotionally unavailable but she did do literally everything practical.

I think he is confusing 'needing' with 'wanting' so if my kids want a lift to school on my day off because they're 'feeling tired' I wouldn't. If it's tipping with rain, I would take them. I definitely make time to listen to them and we're pretty close. Picking them up from something? I think I'd encourage them to stay and see it through unless they were quite upset. They generally get their own lunch on weekends and in holidays, and always their own breakfast - which I think he sees as me not fulfilling their 'needs' in the way his mum did.

Anyway I'm going to talk to him tonight. His mum can do no wrong though (complex reasons) so I just wanted outside reassurance because it can be hard to judge it myself sometimes.

There are different ways of bringing up children, and your DH and you evidently have different expectations. I would prefer your way, over your husband's. Children who don't learn to cater for themselves in many ways are going to have a hard time once they leave home. I have grandchildren of 12 and 10 who get their own breakfast, load the dishwasher and cook simple meals

Getting teenagers to do their own washing and prepare their own packed lunches is great. You are teaching them how to be responsible and independent.

There is no need to 'fulfill their needs' when they are capable of doing things for themselves. They're not toddlers.

Why doesn't he do it all, then?

My 13 year old ds makes his own breakfast and lunch. If the wash basket is full he will put it in the machine and turn it on. Today he's made chocolate chip cookies and cleaned up after (they taste really nice). I'm a single mum, he helps out around the house because he doesn't expect me to do it all, it's also setting a good example to his younger brothers. Just because I'm allowing him to be independent and learn life skills does not mean that I am are not there when i am needed whether that be emotionally or physically. What you are doing is raising happy independent dc rather than mollycoddling them.

Because 'that's what mums do', I imagine. Plus I work part time and he works full time.

@Phillipa12 , your son sounds lovely. My 13yo son likes cooking too and often cooks for the family - but he never clears up!

I was wondering if you work! Let's guess... his mum didn't?

There is some deeply rooted sexism in his response there, about women being expected to do it all whilst apparently he gets off scot free

I would be tempted to suggest that if his mum managed to do all that and work full time then he has ample opportunity to follow her lead and its about time he did so

Honestly you sound like you are bringing up lovely children who are independent, capable, thoughtful and resilient who with any luck wont inherit their fathers sexist attitude to motherhood

I think you just have different attitudes that's all. I did everything for my two, one still at home and one left. My attitude is that they are a very very long time an adult and will propably have to work until there 67 or more so to have a few years of a free ride is not a bad thing. My one that left home never really did anything before she left but still knew how to do most things and just asked for advice of she didn't. She is totally independent and self sufficient so I can't have done too bad a job.

I think it largely depends on your set-up. I was a SAHM for many years and now only work very part time. Children are at school all day and once they hit their teens with the pressure of homework and exams, they are often doing the equivalent of a full time job. It didn't seem right to me to expect them to do a lot of chores when I was at home.

I also don't really buy into the argument that if you don't teach them to be self sufficient when they're young, they'll become lazy feckless adults. Learning to do laundry doesn't take long when they need to do it themselves. My older two dds are 21 and 19, both now living in student accommodation. They are pretty self sufficient despite not doing much at home when they were younger.

Washing - I really can't see then point of each person in a family doing their own - isn't it more efficient for everyone's to be washed together?

There is some deeply rooted sexism in his response there, about women being expected to do it all whilst apparently he gets off scot free

No not at all. The person who works part-time or is a SAHP does more chores at home.

OP, you said you work part time. Is your 16 year old doing GCSEs at the moment? I let a lot of things slide when they've got exams or other pressures at school. Teaching kindness is an important value to me (I'm not saying you're not kind) and I go above and beyond what would be expected of me to do nice things for my dc when they're busy and stressed eg make packed lunches, pick things up for them. Yes of course they can do these things themselves but if it makes their lives a little easier, why not?

I really loved my mum because I knew whatever she was doing she would drop it if I needed something - unlike you

Not surprised you felt insulted. He’s idolising his mother and saying you fall short of her supposed perfection. I would definitely have a talk with him about it. I think he’s got his rose tinted glasses on. Surely his mother didn’t do everything for him? She had to have taught him how to be independent?

But apparently his mother worked f/t and did all of this, so I very much doubt his attitude would be different if the op worked f/t

Yanbu. If course if your children needed you then you would drop everything. Teaching them to be self sufficient is also important. You don't have to do everything they want. Sounds like a passive aggressive dig because you are the favourite parent (for now) likely becasue you set clear expectations and show lots of love and care too. Well done!

I think he has a very naive view of what makes a good mum if he thinks providing snacks and clean clothing is it. A bit sad and one dimensional really.

The OP said she worked FT

And apologies, I reread and see that MIL worked FT too.

If she did all practical support but was emotionally unavailable I guess he might equate "doing stuff" with love? He's therefore questioning if you truly love the DC, whether he consciously realised this or not.

Honestly? My mum has never done anything like that nor have I with my own teens.

At the age of your dcs, they are able to prepare a snack, do some cooking or put a washing to go. I think he is mixing being there for a child when they actually need your help and making them people unable to function in society because they’ve never learnt to look after themselves.

i agree you need a discussion. But not about his mum. About what it means to be a good parent to teenagers. About how this is an age when they need to get some independence. When they need to start looking after themselves and take decisions on their own.

fwiw I’m not sure you HAVE TO be in conflict with one or both parents . I don’t remember doing that (I did lose it regularly though but at one of them iyswim). I can’t say I have major co go it’s with my teens either…. But again, that’s another discussion to what he has been bringing up.

Btw If his mum did everything, how is he doing now? Is he able/happy to out some washing to go, prepare dinner etc…? Or is he expecting you to do it all (even more so since your are PT).

Bevause a mum who is doing it all, all the time, and a child that isn’t even able to prepare his own snacks always doesn’t lead to an adult actually able to adult (esp with men…)

You sound like you're raising competent individuals Op, so well done. I wish my kids could do what yours! Your DH is out of order.

To be honest, as parents we are so conditioned to believe we have to do many things that we know our DC can do themselves.

A few years ago, a mum that I was friendly with who ran her own business and was pushed for time in the mornings, told me that her sons who were Year 5/6 made their own packed lunches every day and were rewarded with some screen time in the morning before school.

Initially, I had a the ‘but they’re so young’ thought, but actually they were not only both clearly capable of making their lunch, but enjoyed the reward that came after. We just need to stop thinking we are not good parents for expecting our children to pick up tasks we would normally do.

This is true @Eightiesfan but it's about balance. Yes it's good to teach our children to do tasks and I completely agree that children are members of a family and everyone mucks in.....but there is plenty of time in adulthood to do chores and childhood should be a carefree time. Some simple chores - yes absolutely; bigger things that take up a lot of time when there is homework to be done, not ideal.