Is dh's comment on my parenting fair enough?

[MerryMarigold]

We were talking about when we were teens and I said, 'I think you always have to have issues with at least one of your parents when you're a teenager.' (For me it was my Mum who drove me nuts and we had lots of conflict, we are all good and close now! He is out of favor with DS1 and DD currently). Anyway dh said he didn't have issues with either of his parents and said this: "I really loved my mum because I knew whatever she was doing she would drop it if I needed something - unlike you ". I felt so insulted and like he's saying I'm not available to my kids.

This is apparently because when my kids 'need' something, snacks, clean clothes, I tell them to sort themselves out. They do all their own washing between them (I do have to remind them to do it, one wash each per week but I fold it all). They also make their own packed lunches 3x per week. I give them a lift to school on my way to work but on my day off they walk (20 mins). They have minimal cleaning chores (about 30 min per week). I have 2 13yos and a 16yo.

So do you think this is reasonable? Do you think I'm not available or loving? Do you think his mum's 'drop everything for my kids' is the way to be and I'm too 'hands off'? I'm somewhat reassured that I have a very close relationship with all my kids so maybe he's just being snippy out if jealousy but it did hurt.

So he expects you to be a helicopter patent ?

*parent

@bendmeoverbackwards Washing - I really can't see then point of each person in a family doing their own - isn't it more efficient for everyone's to be washed together?

They do a wash each per week of their combined clothes - darks, lights, whites (1 wash each). They wash their stuff in Non bio as ds1 has eczema. I do all dh and my stuff in bio powder - bedding, towels etc. We never do a 'small' wash (I have a 10kg washing machine).

This isn't about you or your parenting, at all - it's about him and the fact that he's out of favour with his children. Why is that, I wonder? Whatever it is, he's taking a nasty, cheap little swipe at you because his fragile male ego is outraged that you have a better relationship with them than he does - despite your not conforming to what he was taught was a "good mother", ie a bustling thing in a pinny that makes lovely sandwiches and irons all the socks. He's got unhealthy ideas about what makes a good parent, he doesn't understand about being emotionally available and forging a real connection, and he's taking his frustration out on you rather than take a look at himself and work on his own ways of relating to the children. Tosspot.

I think you have it spot on! He does equate love with 'acts of service'. It applies to him as well, which has always been challenging for me.

Just to clarify, I work part time about 16 hours but I also have some health issues so I need to rest too. My job is physically demanding and I generally also sleep every day during the day so it ends up equaling full time hours. I don't do it for money but for live of the job and my own mental health. I do all the shopping, cooking and majority of washing. The cleaning is fairly evenly shared, although dh probably does more and he does all the finances. I have just started working since kids were older and were more independent.

Yes, ds1 is doing GCSEs and I've let him off some bits of chores although he seems to be gaming for significant portions of the day 😂. Dh's helicopter parenting/ nagging/ micro managing 16yo was proving so disruptive to his relationship with ds1 that he did see sense and has backed off completely when it's come to exams. I think the PP that mentioned helicoptering has hit nail on head. It's about all aspects of parenting.

Dh is pretty capable now but he's been out of his home since he was 18 (left his home country). I think it was traumatic (partly because of how babied he was, he wasn't a mature 18yo), hence idolising his Mum.

Is this more about you not seeing to HIS every need...?

My dh wouldn’t say anything like that since I had to teach him everything practical he does around the house!

@Greensleeves , yes I do think there was a big dollop of jealousy in the comment.

We talked on Sat night, he has apologised "I'm sorry IF I compared you to my mum." (We had to deal with the IF 🙄). And then he did say I'm a great parent and patient, kind, bringing them up to be capable yada yada. We didn't really explore WHY he said it. I think that might be going a bit too deep.

@Greensleeves , yes I do think there was a big dollop of jealousy in the comment.

We talked on Sat night, he has apologised "I'm sorry IF I compared you to my mum." (We had to deal with the IF 🙄). And then he did say I'm a great parent and patient, kind, bringing them up to be capable yada yada. We didn't really explore WHY he said it. I think that might be going a bit too deep.