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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

BF’s at home?

26 replies

Mojohellno · 27/05/2022 18:31

My highly strung 14yo DD has pleasant and respectful BF, nearly15. Spoken to his mum (secretly) and agreed that whilst we’re not thrilled with teenage relationships at this age, we can try to manage our DC a little in the hope that it will fizzle out very soon.
4 mths in - a few dates, bowling, cinema etc and now I’m under relentless pressure from her to be allowed to go to his house/vice versa. I have said no so far.
Had all the talks, so have they, they don’t want to have sex at this stage (hmmm, till the hormones kick in) and have agreed that she will a) tell me and b)let me help her to arrange contraception when she is old enough/mature enough to have this type of relationship.
What now? I know full well if I say ok he can come for dinner and you can watch movie downstairs etc but ONLY if we’re in and upstairs is ABSOLUTELY out of bounds, she will scream the house down and is fully capable of crying for days on end about this. This is a battle I need to pick, surely? She’s 14! She’s just soooo highly strung and I’ve been dreading facing this one. We have so far maintained reasonable mental health but I don’t want her to be miserable because we won’t allow her the same freedoms that some people have, but inside I’m screaming no way to houses! How would you manage this? PS yes we did say early on she shouldn’t be thinking about a BF just yet until she was older but of course she went and got one anyway…I’m hoping there are some wise experienced parents out there to help me!!!

OP posts:
Goodskin46 · 27/05/2022 18:33

She is 14, of course she has to be able have her bf over. I would insist on the bedroom door open.

girlmom21 · 27/05/2022 18:35

Let him come round and insist they keep the bedroom door open?

CuriousCatfish · 27/05/2022 18:45

I think you are a little OTT. Let him come round. Seems a bit odd to me that she is not allowed her BF over.

ImInStealthMode · 27/05/2022 18:46

I suspect you're overthinking this a bit OP. Why must it 'fizzle out'? Nobody is suggesting this will be the boy she marries, but I dated someone from about 14-17, we had a lot of fun together and I look back very fondly at that time. Much better than some of my peers who would bounce from boy to boy, a different one every couple of weeks and regrets about it later on.

If he's respectful and kind to her what's the problem? I think it's a bit much to suggest they can't ever visit each other at home to be honest, so long as ground rules are set and stuck to (doors open, break that rule and the privilege of having him come over is removed).

MissAmbrosia · 27/05/2022 19:06

Much better to let them visit each other at home with a watchful eye.

Mumwantingtogetitright · 27/05/2022 19:17

They are young, but if they want to have sex, they will find a way of doing it tbh. Better in your home or his than in a park or public toilet somewhere.

I think you should let him come over and yes, ask them to keep the bedroom door open if you prefer.

hitrewind · 27/05/2022 19:58

We have the same with DSS 15 and his girlfriend 14. They're over here together all the time – in his room, door open.

Best to keep them close – otherwise you're displaying a lack of trust which eventually will go both ways.

If you have a 'no houses' rule you're forcing them out into the streets and in town, where there's far less safety, less communication, and less connection. And you're teaching them that relationships are bad things, which they're not. Lay strong foundations for her future sense of security in love – the more support and communication in all directions, the better.

CheshireCats · 27/05/2022 20:05

Of course she should be allowed him over! Why is your only approach to home it will fizzle out?
She should be allowed him over regularly - when you are in and door open. You are being far too controlling.
I have 2DD's similar age and have experienced this with both of them. It's far better you know where they are and can be supervising them.

CheshireCats · 27/05/2022 20:06

@hitrewind 's post says it perfectly

hitrewind · 27/05/2022 20:47

In practical terms, things that have (so far) worked well for us were:

A conversation with both of them present where we laid out the house rules (basically door open when they're in his room, she's out of our house by 10pm no matter what and vice versa, and we all eat meals together)

Developing a communicative relationship with her mother, which everyone knows about (not secret at all) – we stop and chat at the door when we drop off DSS's girlfriend or when she comes to pick her up, we let her mum know when she's on the bus and has low battery, etc.

Intentionally picking up his girlfriend for visits every now and again so she has a relationship with DP and I independently of her relationship with DSS and (hopefully) feels she can come to us with anything she needs to (we're not just 'DSS's parents', we're individuals with our own dynamic with her)

A box of condoms in the bathroom cabinet (I know this will be way too much for you to consider, but we'd rather they had easy access if they're going to do it anyway)

They've been together now for 9 months and he's about to turn 16, her about to turn 15, so it's a little different, but worth thinking about if you're looking for practical things to do.

Original poster
Mojohellno · 28/05/2022 00:13

Thanks for your replies, everything said makes sense, I know I am controlling. It’s just that the thought of my DD having a boy in the bedroom just seems entirely inappropriate at this age. I will be the more relaxed and less controlling mum she would like me to be as she gets older, I’m just finding this difficult to accept, but I will definitely use some of the advice given. I am pretty sure that I’m not the only parent who thinks this way but I will try to be more understanding.

OP posts:
Amipreg1 · 28/05/2022 00:18

It's absolutely normal for a 14 year old to have a boyfriend. I suggest you try to be supportive otherwise they will only go elsewhere to see each other.
It may not just fizzle out, the boyfriend I had at 14 ended up being my boyfriend until I was 22.

TooManyPJs · 28/05/2022 00:19

14 is a perfectly normal age to have a boyfriend.

RubaDubMum89 · 28/05/2022 00:22

When I was that age, my home had the same rules as yours, as did his.

We used to have sex on the local cricket grounds... Just saying OP.

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 28/05/2022 00:27

14 is reasonable to have a bf. What is not reasonable is 'screaming the house down and crying for days on end'. If she behaves like a child, she gets treated like one imo. Either she abides by whatever rules you decide (and quite frankly this could be anywhere from supplying condoms to Draconian) or he doesn't come over. But grown up young women have grown up conversations, children who scream for hours do not get anything.

Original poster
Mojohellno · 28/05/2022 01:45

Thanks for the advice, I will reconsider and try to negotiate a compromise. I fell pregnant at 15 and I think that’s skewing my view…just trying really hard to get this right.

OP posts:
Seasidemumma77 · 28/05/2022 01:54

All 4dc have been allowed to visit bf/gf and have them come over. They have had to endure my version of 'the talk' prior to these visits, I've got better with practice 🤣

mumofblu · 28/05/2022 06:01

Bless you @Mojohellno
Of course you are trying to keep her safe . My dd 14 has bf same age at her school. She is also v immature and We don't really like him with good reason . But we do let him come round tried to get to know him because we don't want them just disappearing together .
What I would say is keep an eye , be friendly , put rules down to both of them and birth control .
We have a no bedroom rule and the have a room they can spend time in downstairs with door open but we still had to do a pregnancy test after they had unprotected sex and he freaked out to a friend who told his mum who told me .
I had already told my dd that I felt she was too young but would help her get birth control if necessary but not allowed sex in our house . But she told me not at that stage with him . Better to be safe she's on injection and not allowed to sleep with him at our or his house .
Good idea to know the parents .
Good luck , it's v hard .

mumofblu · 28/05/2022 06:03

Just to add my dd bf parent had him aged 16 . She doesn't want that for her son and talked about it to him but he still had unprotected sex .

Original poster
Mojohellno · 28/05/2022 09:25

@mumofblu and everyone - thanks for all the insights. Will keep the communication going and work things out.

OP posts:
Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 28/05/2022 09:49

I’d let him come over. Either downstairs only or upstairs with the door open.

shes 14 and at the end of the day if you don’t let her she’ll only be sneaking around behind your back.

Tinkerblonde1 · 28/05/2022 15:53

Goodskin46 · 27/05/2022 18:33

She is 14, of course she has to be able have her bf over. I would insist on the bedroom door open.

This exactly.

StageRage · 28/05/2022 16:05

Not sure why you make the immediate link between visiting the house = immediate and inevitable sex?

Let him come. Better to get to know him and be friendly and normal.

And talk in a relaxed way with your Dd. Give her the confidence to hold her own boundaries and to talk to you if she feels pressurised to have sex.

Stop behaving as if she is in the clutches of The Impregnator and can only be saved by you barring the door to the castle.

mamaduckbone · 29/05/2022 10:04

I find it odd that you wouldn't allow him over...surely then you can keep an eye on them and get to know the boy. Bedroom door open, or only downstairs. Make the ground rules clear.

Beano76 · 17/02/2023 17:46

I don’t think the OP controlling. No reason whatsoever to have boyfriends upstairs in parental homes. These are children, not young adults and they have all the time in the world to find out about sex. If they are having sex elsewhere then not much to do but educate her on condoms but the reality is are these boys ‘equipped’ to support a pregnancy, a wife, a home, income - or is it all about them getting laid in this free for all world? Do girls understand anything of this these days or is it all soft porn and instagram?

I have a daughter. Any boyfriends will be kept downstairs until she is 16 or at least I see signs she is aware and strong in her awareness and self worth. Why throw herself at any young boy who wants his way? Just no. It’s not cool at all.I am sick of all this modern day promiscuity. Flame me away. It never did me any harm at all.