Need help - just found out dd15 is self harming

[Thisismynewname123]

I'm in a panic. I should have known - I've been asking her for weeks what the scratches on her hands and thighs are, but she had an apparently valid reason each time. She broke down this evening and told me, and I'm at a loss. I knew she was struggling mentally, but I don't know what to do and how to help. I don't know the right things to say. Please help me.

Do not let her see that this has upset you - you need to be calm and in control when you speak to her about this. She needs to feel like you're a safe, solid person to handle this with her. Then, tomorrow...

Call the GP and ask for an appointment/call with just you to discuss options. Private will be quickest if at all possible.
Call school and let them know. Ask for any support they can offer her.
Speak to your DD and ask for her thoughts about speaking to a professional for help. Remind her that you, as her parent, have a duty of care to her and even if she finds the idea upsetting, you need to make an appointment for her with someone, otherwise you are not doing your job to keep her safe.

Going forwards, try to engage her as much as you can in family life and limit the amount of time she spends alone/online, but make sure you don't frame this in any way that could be seen as a punishment.

You've got this OP.

Thank you @MolliciousIntent .

I have spoken to the GP who is doing a referral to CAMHS, and he doing a private referral letter as well so that we can see someone quicker. I tried to speaking to school - left a message for an urgent call back from the pastoral team but no one called me. Dd has already told me that she will talk to someone. I think she desperately wants someone to talk to.

I'm am so worried about leaving her alone in her room now. She's there now. I can't hover over her. I don't want to draw too much attention to it as she will say that she has promised me she isn't going to do it now that she has told me. When I spoke to her after school today, she said again that she isn't going to because she promised me, but I know that she will need another outlet for the emotional pain and I don't know what to suggest and what to say to her. I don't know whether to go on trust or annoy her by getting in her personal space. I need to pop out so I'm going to try to get her to come out with me to pop to the supermarket.

Hopefully we get the doctor's referral letter quickly so that we can get to talk to someone without too much delay.

Inform the school. They will be very experienced in dealing with this. Don't be scared to leave her alone- self harm looks terrifying, but it's rarely immediately dangerous.

The most important thing is that she knows she can talk to you about it, and that she doesn't have to hide it. If you show her how worried/upset/anxious you are, then she'll just start cutting where you can't see. You have to steel yourself to the fact that she's not going to stop overnight, that it will happen again, but this isn't a disaster.

I know it's devastating when it's your own child, but you have to be very matter of fact in front of her. Adopt the attitude of "it's not ideal, but it's not the end of the world, and we can work together to stop it."

Ps don't make her promise she's not going to do it, because that's a promise she can't keep, and it will just lead to more guilt. You could ask her to let you know if/when she does harm.

We have been in this position. I don’t want to go into identifying details, but I wish we hadn’t let our child stay in their room on their own. CAMHS checked in on the self harm but did not tell us it was escalating (they did not allow us to see it). It ended in a pretty awful suicide attempt. We now sleep in their room at night - there is a lot more details than this but it will take a long time until those ‘danger times - overnight’ will be done alone. I am sorry to hear you are in this situation also - it really is horrific.

I have told her to let me know. The promise was from her rather than me asking her to promise. I think she thought it would help her control the urge, because she doesn't want to break her promise.

I used to self harm in my teens and even well into my late twenties. IME it's very addictive so don't expect it to stop overnight, and, whilst I understand you want to believe her when she says she won't do it again, she almost certainly will. That's not because she's trying to deceive you, it's because it's very hard to stop. So just be prepared for that, and try not to feel angry / betrayed / shocked if she discloses or you discover further self harm.
As well as the advice given above, I would also do a bit of reading around the subject. There are real physiological reasons for why it "works", i.e. why it feels good, which may help you understand why she's doing it and why it's hard to stop.
Be aware of online communities that encourage her to continue or escalate self-harming, or otherwise feed any depression or other mental health issues.
The worst things you can do IME (and from your posts it doesn't sound like you would do any of these) are to dismiss it as "attention seeking", mention how it looks (including suggesting clothing that covers the scars), or make it about yourself ("what did I do wrong to make you like this??" etc). In terms of what to say, just listen and accept everything she says, even if it's painful to hear. Empathise and let her know you're there for her and she can always talk to you.
It's a very difficult, lonely place for your DD to be. Now that she's told you, she may continue being close and open with you about it, or she may feel embarrassed and regret saying anything, and try to brush it under the carpet, or withdraw from you, or lash out... basically be prepared for any and all reactions from her.
You both have my sympathy OP. I was so wrapped up in my own feelings that I didn't realise how hard it was for my parents but looking back I see that it took a toll on them both individually and as a couple. Is your DD's dad in the picture?

Yes @BearBibble her dad is my DH. I have spoken to him about it, but he hasn't said anything to her because I need to tell her first that he knows. He doesn't manage (or even understand) emotions and empathy particularly well! He just wants to fix things.

At this stage just be there, with her, and listen when she wants to talk. As PP have said, stay as calm as you can, show her you love her, and talk about getting her the help she needs.
You know now- and you are able to get her the hell she needs. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help her when she gets the urge to self harm. There may not be, but it's worth asking.
Please remind your husband he might not be able to 'fix' this, but he can help her in other ways.
Good luck OP and don't forget to seek support for yourself and DH if you need to.

My DD self harms sometimes and it's very upsetting to know they're hurting themselves. Her counsellor tells her to focus on trying to do something else when the urge to harm herself takes her. One of the things she's suggested is pinging an elastic band round her wrist as it creates a painful feeling but not one that causes harm. Your DD wants to stop hurting herself as she's told you about it, so that's a good positive step.

Here's a useful page for parents around teens self-harming www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/self-harm/

TW: I'm 50 now but self harmed for years and years. A red ballpoint pen or a felt tip pen helped me sometimes. Ballpoint was best because it hurt/bruised but was blunt so didn't cause any damage. The red ink from the pen also had the same effect.

DSL here. Unfortunately this is becoming more and more common. While waiting for therapeutic support, there are apps that can help when she feels the urge to self harm. I'm not at work so don't have my list but Calm Harm is one.

Young Minds and Kooth have text services she can send someone a message.

Think about safety at home - not just cutting but we have a lot of issues with girls overdosing on paracetamol or any tablets they can find.

Although it is horrific, around a quarter of young people self harm at some point I think it is, so school will be very used to assisting with this.

CAMHS has a 6-9 month wait in my area and I have students who have been hospitalised for self harm /suicide attempts still on the waiting list.

Sorry so therefore if you can afford private I would do so. Many many many students I have worked with who have self-harmed, even up to hospitalisation, are now absolutely fine after receiving the right support. Bringing it out into the light as it were, and getting parental support rather than judgement or dismissal, has always been such a big step.

Some tools I was given when I was self harming and which helped:

Hair tie always on wrist. Snap for that quick, sharp sting.

Take a very cold shower.

Smash ice with a rolling pin. Hold the ice in my hand, the cold is painful and sharp in the same way that self harming was but not actually harmful.

For me, self harming wasn't about trying to kill myself or cause serious injury. In most cases it isn't, which I was surprised to learn. Movies etc always paint it as something you do when you're suicidal. For me I just had a lot of emotions that felt out of control and overwhelming and I didn't have a way of processing them, and self harming was a physical outlet for those emotions. I would feel really calm afterwards, like I had physically taken those feelings out of me.

The hair tie trick was the best one for in the moment, short term stuff, but the ice and cold shower ones worked great for when it was going on a bit longer. Just helps to shock your mind enough to break that cycle.

Ex self harmer here. My Dad asked me to hold a piece of ice instead. I never did it but the suggestion always stayed with me as I felt he understood and I felt loved because he was coming up with a solution to try to help.

Ex-self harmer here. Your DD has been so brave talking to you. The fact that she's got your attention is going to help massively on the road to recovery. She's old enough to have an input on decisions so I do agree with other posters about asking what she would like. The fact that she has already said she wants to talk to the school herself shows so much maturity. Maybe ask if she would like to attend the doctors appt by herself (I'm not sure whether you have to be there legally though).

Our teenagers have been through so much and schools/health services unfortunately haven't been able to support the vast amount of needs that are coming out of the pandemic.

Good luck to you and your DD. It won't always be like this, and you will get past it. You're doing best by your DD. You're a great mum.

This

Firstly big hug to you because I've been where you are .

Agree with poster who said don't make her promise not to , it's a compulsion in reaction to an emotion and she won't want to disappoint you . I don't ask my dd I just tell her if she needs to talk , share anything I'm here . I ask her if she needs antiseptic wipes which tell me if she is cutting . Six months on I don't believe she is but she is drawing on herself with markers .

Agree with telling school and Gp appointment .

My dd had a traumatic event when younger which is linked so now in trauma counselling .

She is doing so much better now

You will get through this .

Thank you for all the comments. I'm struggling with this a lot because I feel as though she has been asking me for help for a while now, and I'm finding it difficult to cope as I'm also dealing with with her ASD younger sister who has high needs, as well as working full time. I feel like I haven't given her the focus she needs when I knew she was having an emotionally challenging time with friendships on top of school pressure. Their dad is very much in the picture and in their life, but anything to do with their well being is dealt with by me, inevitably I'm the one making the phone calls, sending the emails, etc. I'm still waiting for school to call me back today, and I've contacted them again saying that.

I don't want to comment on any vanity side to her, however, we have a family wedding coming up in a couple of months where she will be wearing a dress with her arms on show. She has chosen the dress herself - it's not something I've forced on her or chosen for her, but I do think it's been on her mind and is part of the reason why she is telling me this now. So the promise not to do it again I think is related to her wanting to get through the occasion without questions.

I definately agree with the suggestion of cold showers, this helped my youngest son immensly, there are so many benefits and it is something he still does daily even though mental health is much improved.
Loving understanding is whats required, our young people often feel ashamed and not good enough, l tell my sons "I' m so glad you were born" on a regular basis, through good and bad. Its something we don t say enough.

Great advice from PP esp with lived experience.

Just to add they may now SH on less obvious body parts like breasts / groin / feet which are more easily hidden. I'm sure you will search for sharp implements but this behaviour can be quite sneaky so - not sure what she's using (and if they want to they will find something) but to make it that little bit harder when / if she gets the urge to do it, make sure you don't have loads of "innocuous"things like pencil sharpeners hanging around the house. Check her post.

Get her out if her room and involved in family life as much as possible and ask her to keep her door open. This won't stop it necessarily, but might deter whilst you are seeking help. The other thing is when you take something away you need to replace it with something else so the elastic bands / markers / ice could work for her.

Try not to make everything about SH / MH. Talk about great times she's had in the past, make plans for great times to have in the future. Subtly remind her there is joy in life. Another thing we did when it was tough to talk but I wanted to check in was just a "how are you on a scale of one to ten?" So they can say if they are feeling really bad without having to say they are feeling really bad. Offer to do something with her like playing cards. Get some adult colouring books and pencils for when she's particularly stressed - can be a good redirection - alternative focus until the intensity of the emotion has passed.

One thing that helped DD who was a bit sceptical about these alternative things to SH was keeping a journal as a way of expressing difficult thoughts and emotions. We aren't at the end of the road yet, so I don't have a definitive answer for you but remember it's not your fault - don't take this personally, as upsetting as it is. Most important is that she knows you and DH are on her side, & love and support her without judgement. Xx

Op, I think you should probably also consider whether she also has autism.

@imip , I'm very familiar with autism - I have another dd who is autistic, and lots of others in my circle of friends (mums of ASD children are inevitably drawn to each other). I honestly don't see those traits in her. I think she is particularly sensitive and doesn't know how to cope with her emotions and the feeling like her friends have let her down. I may be proven wrong down the line, and it is something I have thought about long and hard over the last couple of days, but I still don't see it in her.

All the ideas are great - pinging an elastic band, cold showers, ice, etc. But how do I suggest these to her if she is reluctant to discuss it with me any further?