Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Wwyd difficult teen

37 replies

BorryMum · 19/05/2022 11:24

DS is 17 (18 in 3 months), just interested to see what others would do in this situation. He refuses to study, won't communicate with us, comes and goes as he pleases, won't eat our food, smokes, vapes, weed (don't know how much), swears at us, occasionally aggressive, ignores rules/curfew/chores. Has his own money. Hates us. Won't engage with any help or support from school (leaving tomorrow anyway) got U's in his mocks. Where do we go from here? Interested to see what others would do, things have deteriorated over the last 18 months to two years. We are all miserable

OP posts:
stairgates · 19/05/2022 11:29

How does he get his own money? Can he get some work with a relative who may bring him out of it a bit.

crabcakesalad · 19/05/2022 11:35

If he has his own money then charge him rent

Original poster
BorryMum · 19/05/2022 11:43

He has a part time job. Not enough to give us any but I mentioned
It to show how he is getting food as he won't eat ours. Our relatives are all 200 miles away and too old to take him unfortunately

OP posts:
Original poster
BorryMum · 19/05/2022 11:43

I have told him as soon as he leaves school and gets a bigger wage he has to pay rent, not holding my breath for actually getting it out of him though to be honest

OP posts:
standoctor · 19/05/2022 11:44

He has his own money tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and us ruining your lives
He can change or get a room
He has 2 weeks to get a room if he will not change
Or the locks will be changed and he will not have aces
tell hem if he tried to break in you will call the police
Then give him a letter to confirm
He is the kid
You atre the adults
You call the shots

Original poster
BorryMum · 19/05/2022 11:45

@standoctor that is the conclusion we have come to but I just was clutching at straws to see
If anyone had any ideas at all before it came to that. I've got to face reality though 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
BorryMum · 19/05/2022 11:48

It is so far away from what I wanted for my kids and my family but I just can't see any other option right now hence me trying to get other perspectives and advice first. I am absolutely worn down by it all

OP posts:
WeirdManFromRummikub · 19/05/2022 11:52

He is making you miserable. What is making him miserable?

Original poster
BorryMum · 19/05/2022 11:56

@WeirdManFromRummikub I don't know. School offered counselling and he wouldn't go. I've tried to talk to him so many times and he won't talk to me. I've tried to get him to talk to grandparents who he loves if he doesn't want to talk to me and he won't

OP posts:
crabcakesalad · 19/05/2022 12:07

BorryMum · 19/05/2022 11:43

He has a part time job. Not enough to give us any but I mentioned
It to show how he is getting food as he won't eat ours. Our relatives are all 200 miles away and too old to take him unfortunately

If he has money to buy vapes and weed he has enough money to pay a nominal rent

pjani · 19/05/2022 12:10

I think the framing should be positive that he’s turning 18 in3 months and will be an adult and it’s time for him to take on full independence. How exciting! Does he want to house share with friends?

(some of my best memories with friends were house sharing)

This could be the making of home. How exciting! He’s got 3 months to get plans in place. You’ll miss him so much and hope to see him for Sunday dinners or whatever.

Original poster
BorryMum · 19/05/2022 12:13

That is basically what I am planning. I don't want him to feel chucked out but need him to know that if he doesn't want to adhere to our house rules he needs to plan for his own. Can't be quite as positive as your post as he turns it all into an argument. He is immature for his age so him moving out scares me but we can't go on like this realistically

OP posts:
WeirdManFromRummikub · 19/05/2022 12:13

It's a terrible shame if he can't articulate his unhappiness. A shame for him- and for you. I've had a difficult teen who has turned out to be a decent (yet mentally ill) 20 year old. I have sympathy with your son - probably at the mercy of his hormones- and with you and your family trying to live with/ through this time.

I would find the weed the most objectionable. I'm massively anti drugs.... Lots of kids do them for kicks but I think it's dangerous when kids lean on them as an escape from life.... same with alcohol, I suppose.

It's really hard to know what to do. Lots of people advocate the tough love approach- throw him out etc... But tbh that doesn't actually solve anything.

The opposite approach is the Don't Drop The Rope. Your son, no matter how objectionable his behaviour, requires help and support to navigate this stage of his life, and he needs someone who does not give up on him.

It's good that he has a part time job. I'd say that was a massive positive- he can obviously function positively at work. Does he have any hobbies/ interests where he might find an informal 'mentor'? A man he can look up to who might guide/ advise / listen??

Sorry I have no answer. There is no answer. But it can be useful to talk about it. So many older boys go through this- sullen, angry, miserable, depressed, antisocial.....and if you can ride it out, he will probably become a decent young man.

Lochjeda · 19/05/2022 12:19

I think sometimes the best thing you can do for his independence and for the relationship between you all is get him to move out. My husband was exactly the same and fought like cat and dog with his parents. He moved out at 18 and it was foe the best. Things got massively better between them.

It might just open his eyes to how lucky he is and he might come back with his tale between his legs. He can look for a full time job now and then a room to rent.

easyday · 19/05/2022 12:20

Not sure how making him pay rent would help the situation.
Getting to the cause of his disaffection is key, but if he won't go to therapy it's hard to know what you can do. Anything requires some agreement from him. My stepson was wayward at 18 and he agreed to go off to Australia for a few months. We had a contact there to start him off but not sure he used it. He was there seven months and he really matured in that time.
My own 18 year old son is struggling but has a job and already lives on his own (in a place I own and I don't charge him rent as he's on minimum wage). He finally has started therapy after making three appointments and cancelling each one. Him living away makes it tolerable, and we chat or text every day.

Original poster
BorryMum · 19/05/2022 12:22

@WeirdManFromRummikub I think we are in the same place. I do think there are some mental health or behavioural factors coming into play here. He used to have activities and hobbies and there were some great people that thought a lot of him but he dropped them all and refuses to go now. Saying we are all miserable was a bit misleading, that's more me! He is happy if he is out with his friends and doing what he wants. The problems only start if we ask him to abide by the few rules we have left for him like a school night curfew and not vaping in his room or swearing around us and our other kids. Apart from that if he is doing what he wants when he wants he is fine but uncommunicative and will come and go when he likes without telling us. The door will always be open but I just don't think we can all live together anymore

OP posts:
Whitedamask · 19/05/2022 12:22

He sounds an angry young man. But he does have to live in the real world, and that involves polite behaviour.

What is his problem with the food you cook? What does he like to eat?

You should make it very clear that he can't continue his unpleasant behaviour towards you. He either changes or he moves out.

Give him a reasonable time frame - a month at the most, and warn him that locks will be changed at the end of that period.

myuterusistryingtokillme · 19/05/2022 12:24

BorryMum · 19/05/2022 11:43

I have told him as soon as he leaves school and gets a bigger wage he has to pay rent, not holding my breath for actually getting it out of him though to be honest

The message should simply be that he pays it, or he moves out, it isn't optional

Original poster
BorryMum · 19/05/2022 12:25

Thanks everyone, it's good not to feel alone. I think the food thing is a
just a rebellion thing. He will eat fast
food all the time or cook himself frozen chips etc

OP posts:
Original poster
BorryMum · 19/05/2022 12:26

Angry young man is a good description

OP posts:
stairgates · 19/05/2022 12:26

The Australia is a good idea, my 20 year old is currently doing that and is earning a nice little chunk of money and has learnt a great deal of lessons, it was atvthe point here where him and his dad were at loggerheads to see who was the boss off the house, it was always tense but they text each other more than me now🙂

stairgates · 19/05/2022 12:27

Plus they were advertising £20 flights recently for young workers

Original poster
BorryMum · 19/05/2022 12:29

@stairgates I will look at that thanks! He is going to some festivals this summer as he loves music and at
least we will have some breaks from him. I have been encouraging him to save for travelling but he spends everything he gets quickly

OP posts:
Original poster
BorryMum · 19/05/2022 12:30

I looked at camp America, it would
Have been just right but you had to be 18 by June and he isn't 18 until August sadly

OP posts:
whydoesthedog · 19/05/2022 12:31

Sounds like it's the weed. That will certainly have an effect on his behavior and how much he gives a shit basically. I would tell him it's time to move out, I wouldn't have him vaping and smoking weed in my house. That would be a no go.