Wwyd difficult teen

[BorryMum]

DS is 17 (18 in 3 months), just interested to see what others would do in this situation. He refuses to study, won't communicate with us, comes and goes as he pleases, won't eat our food, smokes, vapes, weed (don't know how much), swears at us, occasionally aggressive, ignores rules/curfew/chores. Has his own money. Hates us. Won't engage with any help or support from school (leaving tomorrow anyway) got U's in his mocks. Where do we go from here? Interested to see what others would do, things have deteriorated over the last 18 months to two years. We are all miserable

We don't allow smoking or vaping in the house full stop but he still does it sneakily in his room at times.
I kept telling him that I didn't want it in the house and that if I found it
I would bin it but he ignored me so last time I found cigarettes and vapes I put them in the bin. Got
told for the millionth time that he hated me after that. I haven't caught him with weed but he told me he does it sometimes

@easyday that sounds like a good compromise between tough love and support. I think the young person often thinks the problem is the relationship with their parents. They see it as the parents are "getting at them" all the time. In reality, the young person themself is the problem! To be happy, they need to sort themselves out- by seeking and accepting help.

I can see how supporting the teen to move out (NOT throwing them out) could break this dynamic/ narrative. Once they realise they are still unhappy and it has nothing to do with their parents or living at home, it could help the young person realise that it is their responsibility and indeed, in their own best interests, to seek help and sort themselves out.

How did he do in his GCSEs, my daughter is the same age and was hit hard by all the uncertainty around the GCSEs and the sudden closure, she ended up feeling so stressed and isolated (no siblings) I was scared where it was leading m, she had a few counselling sessions, and is only since Christmas back on track and working hard.

I ask because you said it’s only since the last 18 or so months, lots of teens have been left behind with lack of support. @WeirdManFromRummikub post makes a lot of sense.

He got predicted grades. They weren't terrible but he was disappointed with a couple of them. Then decided to go to A
levels which in hindsight was a massive mistake but at the time we were locked down and it was hard to look at other options

Poor kid, my daughter was the same and had to resit one and then we had no open days, no chances to visit any others and schools were tied up with sorting out their own problems caused by the lockdown so in our case were not approachable, they same happened with one of my daughters friends, she took A-Levels because suddenly it seemed the only viable option, companies who would usually offer apprenticeship were in lockdown.

Her friend left school a few weeks ago, nearly two years wasted. She burned out and stopped caring.

Sounds like he needs time out to reset his mind and options, is he going to sit his exams next week?

@FAQs we are hoping he will sit his exams and I'm trying to avoid any fights so that he doesn't have the excuse to skip them. I will be glad when they are over and have written off any hopes of good results, I haven't told him that though and have encouraged him to try but he hasn't picked up a book in ages

At least he has seen it through to the end I guess

He has, and kept a part-time job, hopefully once the School year is over he will reevaluate, I’d have to put a time line on it though, he couldn’t carry on like this until the end of the calendar year. Good luck!

@FAQs thank you for finding a positive for me, I needed that

southaustralia.com sign up her for the ticket offer and a quick article here
www.mylondon.news/lifestyle/travel/young-brits-offered-flights-australia-23784421
If he needs a bit of incentive, my son is earning 10,000 Aus dollars a month which is £6500, on the goldmines, food and accommodation included! Loving it. He went on his own and made friends there.

tell him he needs an adventure😁

Blimey you are all really turning this
Around for me! So glad I posted.