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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How do I respond to this l?

33 replies

Smokybaconcrisps1 · 10/05/2022 22:58

Dd 15 says I’m always harassing her and ‘on her back’ which is why she’s so rude and nasty in her behaviour to me apparently
Examples of my ‘harassing behaviour’ are : me calling her to come down for her dinner; me reminding her to come off her phone at 11pm (after having initially agreed to an hour ago). Another example is me asking her to pick her laundry which I’ve just washed and given to her up off the floor. You get the gist. The problem is I am nagging or harassing her I guess, but only because she can be very difficult and need reminding constantly for the simplest of things

OP posts:
Bibbetybobbity · 10/05/2022 23:04

I think I would ignore any back-chat, channel ‘breezy’. Easier said than done I know. There’s a value in holding her to a standard eg. Picking up the clothes/coming off the phone and expressing that, without rigidly getting into a battle of wills. It’s explained well in that ‘….but first take me and Alex into town’ book. I wouldn’t get into debates about whether you are/are not reasonable, just walk away (breezily!). It’s thoroughly exhausting- I completely understand.

Merrydance · 10/05/2022 23:09

It is a very trying phase that should pass. Try and turn things round, she has said you are calling for a meal and that is naggping. Try telling her today the meal will be ready at 6pm, I won't call you when it is ready as you have told me you don't like it and I will give you the responsibility to ensure you come at the right time. If she is not there at given time, leave the meal for her to reheat. Let her do her own laundry. I am not sure how to win about the phone though, teenagers are glued to them

lljkk · 10/05/2022 23:13

i'm not saying the girl is being reasonable, but I am wondering about de-escalation. So:

calling her to come down for her dinner Could you ask her how she would like you to inform her that dinner is ready?

reminding her to come off her phone at 11pm Can't pretend to be nice about that one, I'd own it "Yes I'm being bossy you used up all my tolerance" statement

asking her to pick her laundry which I’ve just washed and given to her up off the floor Why did you put her laundry on the floor?

Eupraxia · 10/05/2022 23:17

Is she not hungry at dinner time? I'd tackle that, rather than the method of calling her.

IMO laundry once in her room is her own issue,not yours.

Pick your battles

HollowTalk · 10/05/2022 23:18

@lljkk She didn't put the clothes on the floor! Her daughter did.

Original poster
Smokybaconcrisps1 · 10/05/2022 23:38

Yes sorry if not clear!
I give her her clean and folded laundry to put away ; later in the day find it dumped on the floor in her room

OP posts:
Original poster
Smokybaconcrisps1 · 10/05/2022 23:42

Agreed the phone is the most tricky one
hard as it is, I can/should probably try to turn a blind eye to the other stuff
we’ll agree a time for her to come off her phone that evening, say 10 pm. I’ll tell her at the time, snd she’ll say ‘just 10 more minutes’ and repeat literally every few minutes. So in the end I have asked her multiple times! She then twists this into me harrassing her😬, and has even said ‘right well, i’m not giving it to you now because you’re harrassing me’

OP posts:
Moonface123 · 10/05/2022 23:49

When mine were this age l would reply firmly "Allow me to be a good parent"
Now they are older they thank me for how l parented them, they get it now.

wonkygorgeous · 11/05/2022 00:48

I have 4 young people, 15 up to 22.

I've stopped asking for laundry or picking up laundry. If it's not in the wash bin I don't wash it. Any approximation near the wash bin gets left where it fell.

It gets put in the wash by them eventually, it's their choice. One of mine had to wear the same sports gear to a hobby three weeks in a row, they smelt ripe and looked grim! They were also furious with me not just picking it off the floor and washing it for them!

I don't put clothes in their rooms, I put the neatly ironed pile in the open doorway so they have to move them to shut the door.

I stopped asking for dishes but I won't had over food until they bring down dishes. I stand there with the dinner and wait. Cue huffing and puffing and lots of can I do it afterwards....

When we all get out of the car after shopping or a day out I don't open the front door until everyone has helped carry bags in. Lots of grumpy.

I don't remind them to take coats and hoodies when they go out, all I got was eye rolling and huffing. If they want to be cold and wet they can decide.

I will vacuum if the floors are clear in their rooms. It's their room and their choice. I do strip, wash and clean beds though. One of mine had the most embarrassing afternoon when friends called in unexpectedly.....

I don't ask for lunch boxes to wash, I refuse to go hunting for them. Eventually they appear.
The thing that irritates is they are often left in a random piles in the utility, not near the kitchen dishwasher. I refuse to wash them unless they are emptied and stacked by the dishwasher.

Eventually they run out of things, eventually things smell and they realise, it just takes them living without me doing it to get them to realise they have to step up.

I'm practising the 'that's nice dear'.

Phones and devices get a warning then a follow up warning. If they are found on them into the night then the IP address gets blocked at the agreed time via a clever app. It will come back on the next morning. Nothing makes a teen quite so cross as a blocked IP address.

If they are refusing to get out of bed for something I'll get myself ready to go then potter in the garden for a while whilst I wait. I don't like to be idle.
They ignored the three wake up calls and are furious when they are calling me urgently to help get them ready and find me in the garden.
Teenagers are quite capable of getting out of bed when it suits them. Them leaving barely 5 mins and barking tasks at me doesn't work when I'm in the garden.....

I'm no longer a slave to stress. It's up to them as teenagers to step up a bit. I'm here to help them help themselves.

I think I'm hardened to it now, going in to my 10th year as a mother of teenagers!

Cauliflowersqueeze · 11/05/2022 01:11

wonky is spot on. Take a step back and let her realise that she needs to step up here. She’s perfectly capable. Don’t let her problem become your emergency. Respond: oh dear, what are you going to do now?

For the phone - easy - change the wifi password at 10pm. Or get an app which controls her screen time. That one I would be strict on. But there’s no need for confrontation- just action.

MardyOldGoth · 11/05/2022 01:20

Words like nagging and harassing are very handy for getting your own way. No one wants to be thought of as a nag, no one wants to be accused of harassment, so using these words is a neat bit of manipulation to make the other person feel bad and change their (in this case entirely reasonable) behaviour. See also killjoy, as in 'Mum is such a killjoy for not letting me stay out all night.' Couldn't possibly be that Mum is looking after you, could it?

You're trying to feed her, remind her to get enough sleep, and keep her looking clean and tidy? You monster, you! 😄

YukoandHiro · 11/05/2022 01:22

Pick your battles. You do need to call her down to dinner and enforce a no screen bedtime but if she wants to wear crumpled grubby clothes because she couldn't be arsed to put them away (and they are contained within her room, not all over the house) then does it really matter?

Shedcity · 11/05/2022 01:41

When you say she needs reminding of everything, that does sound like you’re maybe ‘going on’ a bit too much. Just leave her to it ( Other than house rules) If she wants her washing on the floor, leave her to it. If she wants dinner cold, no problem. As pp said you could discuss what would be more suitable for her.

shes obviously being unreasonable but it’s just teenagers

CaperCaper · 11/05/2022 04:27

At 15 I was doing my own washing...perhaps stop doing the majority of hers for her and she may treat it with more respect? I agree with others here that you need to step back and let your DD experience some consequences, she's nearly an adult, so start giving her little bits of responsibility. If she doesn't come down for dinner after one prompt, let it go cold, I'm a little bit wicked and I would likely engineer it so only those that were there got desert or whatever - snooze you lose!

spiderlight · 11/05/2022 11:43

@wonkygorgeous - what is that app, please?

AlisonDonut · 11/05/2022 11:51

Stop calling her down for dinner, call her down to lay the table or leave her to cook for herself.

Stop asking for washing, let her do it.

Stop paying for her mobile phone if she won't come off it at a reasonable time.

Beamur · 11/05/2022 12:30

I'd go with step back too.
Call her once for dinner. Put dinner on the table. Leave it.
Laundry on the floor? Leave it there.
Phone. Personally I would let her learn to self regulate now.

SockFluffInTheBath · 11/05/2022 12:34

Pick your battles OP. If she runs out of socks then she might learn, if she gets a few cold gunners she might learn and so on. I generally go the bright and breezy route per pp but there are hard boundaries on things like phone times.

SockFluffInTheBath · 11/05/2022 12:34

*dinners not gunners 😂

lljkk · 11/05/2022 15:18

I find sending pics of a full plate of food to DC on WhatsApp works well to get them to come down for supper.

DC can create a mountain of clean laundry on floor of their room. This does not give me problems.

I give up regulating phones pretty young. if DC don't keep me awake nattering, & get up in time to get to school then they get to self-regulate.

ManicMonday007 · 11/05/2022 17:26

wonkygorgeous · 11/05/2022 00:48

I have 4 young people, 15 up to 22.

I've stopped asking for laundry or picking up laundry. If it's not in the wash bin I don't wash it. Any approximation near the wash bin gets left where it fell.

It gets put in the wash by them eventually, it's their choice. One of mine had to wear the same sports gear to a hobby three weeks in a row, they smelt ripe and looked grim! They were also furious with me not just picking it off the floor and washing it for them!

I don't put clothes in their rooms, I put the neatly ironed pile in the open doorway so they have to move them to shut the door.

I stopped asking for dishes but I won't had over food until they bring down dishes. I stand there with the dinner and wait. Cue huffing and puffing and lots of can I do it afterwards....

When we all get out of the car after shopping or a day out I don't open the front door until everyone has helped carry bags in. Lots of grumpy.

I don't remind them to take coats and hoodies when they go out, all I got was eye rolling and huffing. If they want to be cold and wet they can decide.

I will vacuum if the floors are clear in their rooms. It's their room and their choice. I do strip, wash and clean beds though. One of mine had the most embarrassing afternoon when friends called in unexpectedly.....

I don't ask for lunch boxes to wash, I refuse to go hunting for them. Eventually they appear.
The thing that irritates is they are often left in a random piles in the utility, not near the kitchen dishwasher. I refuse to wash them unless they are emptied and stacked by the dishwasher.

Eventually they run out of things, eventually things smell and they realise, it just takes them living without me doing it to get them to realise they have to step up.

I'm practising the 'that's nice dear'.

Phones and devices get a warning then a follow up warning. If they are found on them into the night then the IP address gets blocked at the agreed time via a clever app. It will come back on the next morning. Nothing makes a teen quite so cross as a blocked IP address.

If they are refusing to get out of bed for something I'll get myself ready to go then potter in the garden for a while whilst I wait. I don't like to be idle.
They ignored the three wake up calls and are furious when they are calling me urgently to help get them ready and find me in the garden.
Teenagers are quite capable of getting out of bed when it suits them. Them leaving barely 5 mins and barking tasks at me doesn't work when I'm in the garden.....

I'm no longer a slave to stress. It's up to them as teenagers to step up a bit. I'm here to help them help themselves.

I think I'm hardened to it now, going in to my 10th year as a mother of teenagers!

Love these tips!!!

Bibbetybobbity · 11/05/2022 17:34

@Cauliflowersqueeze I love ‘oh dear, what are you going to do now?’ for responding to a teen. I’m stealing that… they’re amazing at porting their stress over to the parent! This is an ideal response.

FortasseRequiris · 11/05/2022 17:42

Moonface123 · 10/05/2022 23:49

When mine were this age l would reply firmly "Allow me to be a good parent"
Now they are older they thank me for how l parented them, they get it now.

That’s a good response!

I am hoping my 15yo is past the worst (it has been bad but better recently; please god, let that not have been the warm up act!) I waver between getting involved and leaving her to it; I don’t want to throw her to the wolves for the sake of an error of judgement but I’m not sure I have the head space to navigate all the aspects of her unnecessarily complicated life, and nor does she want me to!

I am guilty of getting a bit stressy on her behalf but am learning to hide it…

Tinkerblonde1 · 11/05/2022 17:42

lljkk · 11/05/2022 15:18

I find sending pics of a full plate of food to DC on WhatsApp works well to get them to come down for supper.

DC can create a mountain of clean laundry on floor of their room. This does not give me problems.

I give up regulating phones pretty young. if DC don't keep me awake nattering, & get up in time to get to school then they get to self-regulate.

I agree this re phones.
My dd would be asleep earlier than 11 as there is no time limit. She manages to wake herself up for school by herself. If not I would rethink but its a pointless battle to me if its as late as 10-11pm anyway.

BlueBlueCowWondering · 11/05/2022 17:52

I find sending pics of a full plate of food to DC on WhatsApp works well to get them to come down for supper

i do this too - saves calling or wandering round house 😀