Do we just let her give up sport? DD15 no motivation, just her phone

[Superdupersquirrel]

Hi everyone, do can't imagine this has never been asked before. DD15 is a talented golfer but gradually has lost more and more interest in practicing, but still wants to be great at it! It's always been difficult to get her out to practice (although she's never angry about it, more like a pained 'OK' and gradual coaxing!) and she tells people she wants to play and also apply to sixth form colleges that run additional golf programmes alongside study. However her peers in county are improving and she isn't - it's always a problem with the people she plays with, the course, her back, time of the month etc.

I try desperately to keep focused on the positives, remind her just how good she can be because she has such a great foundation. Anyone that has seen her play has told her what potential she has. We've found her a new coach, got her membership to a second club where some girls she knows play, got her a physio, as she said these things would help. never pressurise her (well not knowingly but I am sure she feels some obligation due to the time and money we put in, she's a thoughtful girl so it won;t go unnoticed bless her!)

But tbh I can't see she gets any enjoyment out of it, unless she wins. And when she was a bit younger, because she is strong and talented, that was enough. But the girls around her are putting in the hours and overtaking her and she doesn't like that.

So I guess this is less about golf and seeing over the years that she just lacks the staying power to apply herself to things (I've seen it with drama, so many sports where she's been very talented and even school work were she will do absolutely fine, but it more than capable of more).As I am laying this all out there, I must sound very pushy but honestly, I keep most of this feeling internal and tell her how much I love her, she truly is a wonderful person and I know she could put her mind to anything. But I cannot help but be disappointed to see her coasting along and letting opportunity after opportunity just slip by. The phone and bf get attention!

What do I do? Do I let her just give it all up with no other interests but a bf and a phone?

Either you continue to push her to do something which she no longer has an interest in or you let her get on with the things she does. I'd ask her and see what she says.

If she hasn't got the drive to succeed then she hasn't.

Let her stop but maybe v her sign a piece of paper to say it's her choice as you don't want to be blamed in the future.

That's what I said when DS didn't want to take an entrance exam for a school when age 11.

He decided to take the exam rather than sign the paper.

I used to teach a girl who swam for the city. She was the best swimmer in her age group and was Olympic potential. She was extremely talented.

She stopped it all at 15. Too many other things happening and lost interest. It’s normal at that age.

@Bretonbear I can't help but think you are right - I reread a post I put up a few months ago and I think I am just kidding myself. I know I should let it go but I am finding it so hard. I am also aware thats probably far more about me than her, which makes me feel so guilty. But I don't know why I am finding it so hard to accept she's going to give this up and have nothing else to go to. When the inevitable bf break up occurs down the road (he's a lovely lad btw but he what's to pursue rugby so at some point, his time will get less and less) and she didn't take up any other interests, what then? I just wish I could help her find something that gives her a spark! She doesn't have particularly close friends, they get on sometimes, not others so I am totally lost tbh

I love her so much and she is a great great person, so why is this so hard?

She’s 15 so it’s not really a question of “letting her” stop . She gets to decide that , and you can’t can’t take her to the golf course and force her to play.
It is frustrating when we see talent in our children but they don’t wish to pursue it. Yet their lives are their own and she may come back to it at some point. The last thing you want to do is build up resentment over it.

Exactly what my dh said - he played tennis at a fairly high level and knew a girl absolutely with the world at her feet - found boys at 15 and gave it all up. BTW I know elite sport is truly not always a very positive path, I just wish she didn't want to give it up and have nothing else to do

Let it go for now.
She may well develop talent in another area and go back to it later.
Cody Simpson left swimming for music. Now, at 25, he is back to competitive swimming and doing well.

I would encourage her to get a job though.

I didn't do any sports - self conscious, lived rurally, nothing nearby.
I felt so left out when I left home, a poor swimmer (when everyone else was diving in having a ball), couldn't join the others at tennis or squash, no opportunity much at team sports in those days though made all the school teams.
I would nag a bit to try to keep her at it - I don't see she needs to win but just slowly improve as she matures - then she has a hobby she can socialise with and, if she wants, to take to a higher level.
Obviously pointless though if she decides she hates it.

That could be a great idea Weenurse, ironically she has said about working at the golf club!

Does she want to give it up? Or is she keen to keep playing and winning but is not putting in the hours needed? They are a bit different. I think you have to just sit down and say what you have said here - that competitive sport requires a lot of time and effort. Could you and the coach draw up a timetable of the necessary practice hours and see if that's something she can realistically see herself doing?

I think you need to make it clear that there is no pressure on her do this and you are happy with whatever decision she makes. It may be she is worried she will disappoint you if you have spent many years putting time and money into her golf, or that she feels you are expecting her to win.

If she knuckles down and does the training but still isn't improving alongside her peers then you would have to have a different difficult conversation.

I honestly think if she doesn't want to practice, at 15 it really has to start coming from her.

I'd maybe have an honest conversation and say that you're going to leave it up to her to request lifts or support, that you're happy to give her whatever support she needs but you're not going to volunteer anything, she has to ask. And then see what happens.

How is her school work going? GCSEs are hard going imo.

Your comment about "staying power" does sound a bit "tiger mum". Not that many teens do have staying power for interests they had when they were young. It is a time when you are finding out things about yourself. It's not like she keeps starting things and not finishing them. It's just that this childhood activity which she has already spent a long time doing might not be for her any more.

Can she do the golf on a more fun level? So she keeps her hand in but doesn't have all the constant needing to practice? It's a vicious circle I think because the less she wins the less motivated she'll be which will mean she'll want to practice less which will mean she wins less....I gave up competitive swimming at a similar age, I'd been wanting to for a while as my heart wasn't in it but my mum basically made me keep going and I really resented it and then began to hate it and I just got worse and worse.

She'll be doing loads of exams over the next few years and not having to spend a lot of time practising her sport will hopefully give her more time to revise. What does she want to do when she finished school? Does she know? Perhaps time to think about that and do something related to that instead.

Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work. If she's not motivated she won't make it. My own DD was very talented but I knew at about 13 she wasn't going to make it, she didn't have the drive.

I would sit her down and ask her what she wants. If she says she wants to continue then I would be saying she has 3 months to prove it, should be easy with golf as the weather is getting better. Has she thought about applying for 6th form scholarships with it?

Anyway I think the best thing you can hope for is that she continues playing for enjoyment.

But I don't know why I am finding it so hard to accept she's going to give this up and have nothing else to go to

we had this last year with our second daughter, who was 13. She is a pretty good competitive swimmer and just decided that she was over it, didn’t want to swim anymore.

I wouldn’t have minded if there was something else she wanted to do but she stopped playing an instrument to swim and pretty much had no other extra curricular events. She would’ve gone home, sat on her phone for a bit and not done much else. She does well academically but is more efficient when and focused when she’s been training.

We said she could give it up, but she needed to find other activity for fitness and that we’d would facilitate it and pay for it.

Eventually, she decided she did want to swim again, but no competitions and four times a week only. Of course, she quickly re engaged and gets on well with the squad, is swimming well, decided she did want to do meets (essentially a fun day with her mates, ending with chips) and has kept up her fitness and friendships. She likes being a good swimmer.

I do think it’s good for teen girls to have some sport/activity for fitness, friends and self-esteem but so many give things up at that age and stop doing anything at all.

Yep, time to let it go. My DD and DS both gave up their passions at about this age. Neither of them have any interest in them any more. But I don’t see it as wasted time/money as it got them off their backsides, mixing with other kids not from their school.

Drop out rates for girls of that age from sport are huge. Does the club or coach have experience with engaging that age group?
Personally I would have a serious conversation with her. She has to want to do it in order for you to keep investing time and money, otherwise let her stop and play for fun and excerise. She may pick it up again when older.

I think you need to ask her what she wants to do and go from there.
At the end of the day you can no longer make her do it.
Giving stuff up is par for the course (😉) when you are 15.

If I am understanding your posts correctly. I think the golf is just the latest symptom in what fundamentally is a problem she will have in whatever career, hobby, sport etc she will do.

Your Dd sounds like she picks things up initially very quickly compared to others but then where as other children put the effort in to study or practice to get better and better your Dd stays at the same level and gradually what was a brilliant level initially becomes mediocre after a while and those that weren’t initially as brilliant as your Dd start to
level up to her then overtake her and after getting the glory initially your Dd still wants the glory but doesn’t want to do the work to improve

She doesn’t connect practice with winning as she won with very little practice initially and associates
winning with doing the bare minimum and getting the rewards

I would have a talk with her on how she sees her life going. That whatever she does whether it is becoming a doctor or an accountant or a golfer or working in a shop or office etc No matter how brilliant she is initially she will never progress if she doesn’t put the effort in.

Her bf sounds like he isn’t giving anything up and still has his eye firmly set on his future. If she wants to keep up she must also pursue her own goals.

I think the quote “Hard work beats talent if talent doesn’t work hard” is very appropriate in these circumstances

I know this sounds off the wall but has she been tested for ADHD.

It sounds like because she picks things up so quickly and gets the dopamine rush it makes her want to keep playing but then practice is boring as it doesn’t give her the dopamine but in order to get more dopamine she needs to win but then doesn’t because she didn’t practice so she gives it up for the next thing which she finds easy and she succeeds in which gives her the dopamine rush etc etc.

To be a sports star you need aptitude and attitude. Your dd has first but not second. You can't give her your motivation. My DS plays cricket at county level and he trains 6 hours a week and has a match on both Saturday and Sunday. He has a net in garden too and we can't keep him out of it despite he is in Year 11 so GCSES in less than 2 weeks away. Unless your dd wants to put in the hard yards she will fall further behind her more motivated peers. Tell her then leave her to decide how much effort she wants to put in.

I swam and did karate until 13, turned into a teenager and just didn’t want to do it anymore. So my parents let me give it up. I can still swim well. Kind of wish I’d stayed to get my black belt though but I’d lost interest and was unhappy going. My parents did the right thing for me.

Have a frank discussion with her. She may be talented but if she’s no interest she won’t build on the natural talent. At 15 there are lots of life decisions, exams, college, career thoughts and it’s time for her to make her own choices.

I would say that success at anything is about a number of talents including self motivation and drive as well as good coordination or musicality or whatever.
It seems a shame to you that she isn't interested sufficiently in her opportunities but you are an adult with experience and it is her life now.She needs to choose her path herself.I understand your pov by the way but it is part of her growing up.Don't let her know that you mind or might be disappointed btw.