Do we just let her give up sport? DD15 no motivation, just her phone

[Superdupersquirrel]

Hi everyone, do can't imagine this has never been asked before. DD15 is a talented golfer but gradually has lost more and more interest in practicing, but still wants to be great at it! It's always been difficult to get her out to practice (although she's never angry about it, more like a pained 'OK' and gradual coaxing!) and she tells people she wants to play and also apply to sixth form colleges that run additional golf programmes alongside study. However her peers in county are improving and she isn't - it's always a problem with the people she plays with, the course, her back, time of the month etc.

I try desperately to keep focused on the positives, remind her just how good she can be because she has such a great foundation. Anyone that has seen her play has told her what potential she has. We've found her a new coach, got her membership to a second club where some girls she knows play, got her a physio, as she said these things would help. never pressurise her (well not knowingly but I am sure she feels some obligation due to the time and money we put in, she's a thoughtful girl so it won;t go unnoticed bless her!)

But tbh I can't see she gets any enjoyment out of it, unless she wins. And when she was a bit younger, because she is strong and talented, that was enough. But the girls around her are putting in the hours and overtaking her and she doesn't like that.

So I guess this is less about golf and seeing over the years that she just lacks the staying power to apply herself to things (I've seen it with drama, so many sports where she's been very talented and even school work were she will do absolutely fine, but it more than capable of more).As I am laying this all out there, I must sound very pushy but honestly, I keep most of this feeling internal and tell her how much I love her, she truly is a wonderful person and I know she could put her mind to anything. But I cannot help but be disappointed to see her coasting along and letting opportunity after opportunity just slip by. The phone and bf get attention!

What do I do? Do I let her just give it all up with no other interests but a bf and a phone?

Having similar conversations with ds15 but about a musical instrument.

He has a natural talent, did really well early on, but now it's harder, he has to practise more between lessons, it's not as easy to just rely on natural ability.

He's going to stop. He's got enough skill now that if he wants to come back to it later he can. But endless nagging to practise is no fun for anyone.
He's got other interests though, I'd maybe be pushing a bit more if he had nothing else to occupy him.

I don't think it's fair to say your dd has no staying power. She's stuck at it for years and done really well by the sound of it. Dh said similar about ds stopping music lessons and it made me quite angry on his behalf. He's already done way more than many kids his age and it sounds like your dd has too.

A job in the golf club sounds ideal. Using her skills, keeping involved in her sport, maybe playing for fun, maybe coming back to something more serious in time.

EVeryone saying it's her choice now she's 15. Does this apply to exams too - don't want to study, decide to drop science subjects, don't want to go to uni - I presume you all go along with these too.

She needs to have the drive to want to do it. Doesn’t sound like she does. I would lower your expectations and just let her play for fun when she wants to. Waste of time otherwise

Another voice saying you need to have an honest cards on the table conversation with her about this. If she's not going to put the practice in then it's not worth you spending the time effort and frankly money supporting her to this degree. If she just wants to play for fun then I guess that's fine and you can scale back on what you spend accordingly. It does sound like she's making excuses for why she didn't fo well when the real reason is lack of practice. If she was my daughter I would insist if she does give it up completely that she does something else rather than just veg(etate) on her phone

I think we all can differentiate between a hobby and exams and jobs. Also, would you encourage someone to stay in a job or school they hated?

And @Ferngreen so what if someone wants to drop science subjects? Do we all have to do science now for ever even if we hate it and have no interest? Are people not allowed to have an interest in other areas?🤷🏻‍♀️. What a very odd post.

IME they have to want it enough to go through the grunt work - as a parent all you can do is be supportive, but in the end the motivation has to come from the child. There's not a lot you can do if it just isn't there, however talented they are and however much effort you put in yourself, be that motivational chats, money or time.

DS very talented sports player - has had the motivation to keep training, alone, all though covid and nightly after school as well as club / school training. It is his no 1 priority and he has reached the highest level possible for his age.

DSD very talented at a different sport, gave it all up at 15 as other interests took over. All the potential but just didn't want it enough. In the end she said that parental encouragement made her feel like her worth in the family was purely dependent on doing this sport! Not true, but pushing can be seen this way so it's a very difficult position as a parent. It's hard but at some point we have to let them be their own person, even if this means we feel all our efforts to support have been for nothing. It's not for nothing - even if they give up - because you provided the opportunity. That's all you can do!

We have the same situation. Dd(15) has been told she will possibly grade for her karate black belt this summer. However, it's like pulling teeth getting her to training. A couple of times I've offered to stop paying and forget about it but apparently she's determined to get her belt.
Phone and bf also an issue.

Tricky one. You can't make someone want it, can you? Is drive inherent? Teens are difficult because there's a very fine line between being supportive and being pushy.

I have 2 adult children

One has a natural talent in something but because he never made any effort in it he didn’t think he had any and would say people were only congratulating him because they were being nice.

My other child loved doing a particular activity. I remember the first time I took her and her excitement when she came out of the lesson. It didn’t seem to matter to her that others picked things up more easily she just loved being in the lessons. What she lacked in natural talent she made up for in hours of practice. By 15 she was doing 30-35 hours per week between lessons practice and competitions on top of school
Parties, alcohol and bfs couldn’t compete
She even missed her school prom for a competition.

So true! I’m torn because I totally agree with everyone here that you can’t make motivation happen and I really don’t want to look back and think I’ve pushed her into something that makes her miserable. But I also feel guilty for just standing back and not trying to help her find something she enjoys

It seems to be particular common in girls at this age. It kind of breaks my heart as I know the bf would not see it the same way, as very lovely as he is. There are so many girls across the sports that drop out now