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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 year old DD, first boyfriend - I'm way out of my depth

36 replies

cantyfunt · 02/05/2022 18:38

DD has met a boy who seems lovely. He's polite to us etc, seems to be genuinely kind. I'm aware he could be a bank robber and it wouldn't matter but any ways.

They're both 15, In yr 10 at HS. He came over for dinner last night - they watched a film in her room after (with the door open) but she's got a "love" bite tramp stamp now.

How do I navigate this stuff? I made a joke about him being a vampire in my awkward mode when I noticed.

OP posts:
SnowRoses · 02/05/2022 18:41

Have you had the safe sex talk?

Provide condoms
Talk through her options of the pill / injection etc and go with her

Justwingingit2005 · 02/05/2022 18:42

16 yr old Ds..... First girlfriend.....
I knew it would happen one day but all new territory for me too!

Organictangerine · 02/05/2022 18:48

I would just tell her that love bites run the risk of infection (because they do I think?)

but this is normal stuff. Just give her the safe sex talk, say you can book her in for contraception if she needs it (preferably implant so there’s no forgetting to take it) and generally try to be supportive

Not much else you can do. Phone his parents maybe if she goes to his house just to touch base.

Original poster
cantyfunt · 02/05/2022 19:05

Oh I should have said - I've had the safe sex chat. Condoms available.

It's more me not knowing how to feel - deal with my own feelings / anxiety fear.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantyfunt · 02/05/2022 19:06

5 minutes ago I was worried about weaning recipes and pre school 🥴

OP posts:
Stichintime · 02/05/2022 19:07

Explain to her its not good to let her boyfriend mark her. It seems like a sign of ownership.

Discovereads · 02/05/2022 19:11

I’m probably old fashioned, but in addition to safe sex talk, I’d also be strongly advising her to not have sex until she is 16. Omitting that is implied encouragement to have underage sex. I’d also want to talk with her about her feelings for the boy as often girls are pressured into sexual activity because they think that’s what you’re supposed to do instead of being encouraged to listen to yourself to decide of it’s something you want.

pooktline · 02/05/2022 19:13

Tbh I would be really angry that the first opportunity they had to watch a movie resulted in a love bite to the neck. My priority would be ensuring that he wasn't pushing her. It's difficult, she is in her own safe space but she has nowhere to 'go' if she isn't happy with the progression. It's fast for a new boyfriend imo.

Original poster
cantyfunt · 02/05/2022 19:16

@pooktline none of it sits well with me tbh I just think it's too much too soon too quickly and she will be swept along with it because she "thinks" everyone is.

OP posts:
Stodge · 02/05/2022 19:22

pooktline · 02/05/2022 19:13

Tbh I would be really angry that the first opportunity they had to watch a movie resulted in a love bite to the neck. My priority would be ensuring that he wasn't pushing her. It's difficult, she is in her own safe space but she has nowhere to 'go' if she isn't happy with the progression. It's fast for a new boyfriend imo.

I agree completely

wishmyhousetidy · 02/05/2022 19:26

Really have a proper chat with her when you all in a good mood together. They are still kids and I think they really do get moved along down the sex path too quickly- partly due to the fact that lots of the boys particularly are watching porn and they think everyone is doing it, even when they are not. A lot of children of 15 are having sex and it really is too young

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 02/05/2022 19:33

Don’t try and railroad her with the ‘it’s illegal to have sex under the age of 15’ she’s not 3, a simple google would tell her the police won’t be kicking the door in. Keep all lines of communication open, tell her she can come to you and face no judgement.
Massive consent talk also and tell her just because someone else is doing something doesn’t mean she has to

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 02/05/2022 19:36

*16, not 15 sorry Blush

dane8 · 02/05/2022 19:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

sickofthisnonsense · 02/05/2022 19:50

We have a no boyfriends in bedrooms rule in our house.

They can have the front room but they are well aware they could be walked in on at any moment.

We've talked about how vile 'tramp stamps' are well before they even thought about kissing. We've also talked about going at a pace they are comfortable with. Neither too fast nor too slow etc.

I know that sex doesn't just happen in or on a bed but personally I feel saying yep feel free to be in her personal space on a bed is just a little bit too tempting for teenage hormones.

User839516 · 02/05/2022 20:13

Definitely open up the conversation with her in a non-judgemental way. I lost my virginity to my (lovely) first boyfriend when I was 15, after about 6 months of dating. We dated for four years and my mum never once talked to me about safe sex or anything like that. I once needed the MAP and had to ask help from a friend’s mum rather than my own mum which I still feel kind of shitty about (20 years later). I know people are saying it’s far too young, and I’m not saying it’s not, but I was in a very healthy (as teen relationships go!) respectful and loving relationship and never regretted it or had any ill effects. In my mid 30s now I’ve only ever slept with one other person which is my husband, and don’t feel it was too young for me. But I just wish I could have spoken to my own mum about it.

Cliftontherocks · 02/05/2022 20:27

SnowRoses · 02/05/2022 18:41

Have you had the safe sex talk?

Provide condoms
Talk through her options of the pill / injection etc and go with her

Do not provide condoms that’s encouraging your daughter to have sex under 16.

talk through boundaries, red flags, equality.

then talk through pregnancy, sex, infections and of course coercive behaviour and the law

Cliftontherocks · 02/05/2022 20:30

Discovereads · 02/05/2022 19:11

I’m probably old fashioned, but in addition to safe sex talk, I’d also be strongly advising her to not have sex until she is 16. Omitting that is implied encouragement to have underage sex. I’d also want to talk with her about her feelings for the boy as often girls are pressured into sexual activity because they think that’s what you’re supposed to do instead of being encouraged to listen to yourself to decide of it’s something you want.

This ^^ And biting people and leaving marks is a no no.

no bedrooms either for boys or girls here

BreadAndWater · 03/05/2022 01:50

@Cliftontherocks

Ofcourse its not encouraging sex by providing condoms.

You say talk about sexual infections but dont provide condoms.
Dont be so ridiculous @Cliftontherocks

SomersetONeil · 03/05/2022 01:59

Sorry, but it absolutely is implicitly encouraging sex. How is providing someone with the tool to have protected sex, not encouraging sex?

My DD is only 11 so not dealing with it yet, and I will be providing condoms and am already having the age appropriate conversations.

But providing condoms 100% is encouraging sex.

When I left for uni, my Dad has the pill talk with me. I took it as essentially a green light that it was OK to be having sex.

BreadAndWater · 03/05/2022 02:09

They will do it with or without being giving condoms

The OP’s daughter will be / Maybe already having sex

She doesnt want a grandchild too !

@SomersetONeil

SomersetONeil · 03/05/2022 06:46

If they were only at the love bite, stage and not actually doing it, handing her condoms will absolutely send the message: do it.

It did to me.

rookiemere · 03/05/2022 07:16

Give her the condoms, but tell her they absolutely do not mean you are condoning her having sex yet.
Worst case scenario is she has sex a few months earlier than she might otherwise have done, no condoms and she could get pregnant and you could be bringing up a baby when you don't want to. I know which is the least worst option out of those two.

Housetreecar · 03/05/2022 07:23

Providing condoms is condoning sex. They are 15 and in year 10. They simply shouldn’t be having sex and most children in year 10 are NOT having sex even with long term boyfriends. Talk to her about sex, remind her how important it is to do it with someone she loves and trusts and yes, remind her it’s illegal below 16. Not in a gazillion years would I be providing condoms. However also make it clear if she does decide to then she can talk to you and leave it at that.

Ginger1982 · 03/05/2022 07:29

Don't give them condoms.