15 year old DD, first boyfriend - I'm way out of my depth

[cantyfunt]

DD has met a boy who seems lovely. He's polite to us etc, seems to be genuinely kind. I'm aware he could be a bank robber and it wouldn't matter but any ways.

They're both 15, In yr 10 at HS. He came over for dinner last night - they watched a film in her room after (with the door open) but she's got a "love" bite tramp stamp now.

How do I navigate this stuff? I made a joke about him being a vampire in my awkward mode when I noticed.

I felt like you and just kept talking with her and I did express to her how hard I was finding it which she really understood.
When they decided to have sex (she was 16) I made sure she was safe but found it easier to deal.with by constantly reminding myself she was a young woman and not just my child.
Her boyfriend lives miles away so we were kind of forced into a situation where he needed to "stay over" but I didn't allow him to share her room overnight for a while (they had plenty of time alone while we were out) because I felt that was a step too far which to be fair she agreed with.
They have been together 4 years now and are both at the same uni.
Ita certainly not an easy time.

I disagree with the "don't give them condoms" opinions.

You absolutely need to give them condoms. It doesn't need to be a big presentation. Just have the sage sex talk, discuss consent, peer pressure, making sure she is comfortable with how the relationship is progressing and that it's her body and her right to say no but then drop in at the end that you have put some condoms in the drawer but this does not mean that you are saying it's ok for them to be having sex.

I would also encourage an open bedroom door policy until she turns 16!

My situation is slightly different as I have a teen son. I know they are having sex but he turns 18 in a few months. When he and his girlfriend first had sex (he was 16 and she was 15) I was totally unaware until he asked to talk to me and said her dad had found out and was rather angry. It turned out they hadn't been using protection because they were too embarrassed to buy any. I was disappointed but also upset with myself as I obviously hadn't drummed the safe sex talk into him enough!! After that I bought the condoms and thankfully am not a nana yet!

I wish I had been more proactive though rather than thinking providing the condoms earlier would have encouraged them. They were gonna do it regardless!!

I fully understand how hard it is. As a mother it felt like I had gone from peppa pig to teenage relationships in the blink of an eye. IME from 15-20 is a difficult and great time to be young and for the parents of these kids. At 15 your daughter (and mine), will think themselves pretty much an adult. However they still have much growing up to do. Keep communicating. For me talk more about feelings and relationships than sex. At 15 you have nothing to compare a relationship to and everything feels hugely intense so be there for her and reassure her that you have her back. Be clear that she should never feel pressurised into anything and that she can talk to you about anything. I think you are aloud to voice a gentle view on a lovebite- it is not cool and does feel like someone marking their territory. I assume the young man did not finish up with any?

They can get condoms themselves, free at a clinic.
As for live bites - my son used to be covered with them from his first girlfriend- it was proof they were doing stuff so he was quite chuffed with them.
I didn't have to have the 'safe sex' talk with my son - they were fully up on the subject from their sex Ed classes and I've always been open about the subject. I did ask them to wait, but they'd known each other for years. Me and her mother were actually pleased that our kids' first sexual experience was with each other in a loving respectful relationship.
We did allow them to sleep over at each other houses. I did talk about it with her mother and we agreed it was ok - that's was our choice and may have led to more sexual activity but not the fact it happened.

My DD is yr 10. Whilst she's not having sex, quite a few of her peers are. Some of these kids are nearly 16, so whilst they are still minors, they're not little children. Many many of them are sexually active to some degree.
However, they have little idea about social and sexual etiquette!
It's a hard one to get your head round. I remember dealing with this with my DSS and DH and I were just cringing with embarrassment when our usually cool and collected teenager had his girlfriend over and proceeded to be attached to her like a limpet in our presence. It was awful!
As well as the sex talk, with hindsight you also need to have the behaviour and expectations talk.
So, is the bedroom off limits? Door open/closed? PDA's (please no) and so on.
Condoms are usually recommended alongside other methods of contraception as it protects against disease and frankly, lack of skill in using contraception.
Good luck!

As for live bites - my son used to be covered with them from his first girlfriend- it was proof they were doing stuff so he was quite chuffed with them.

I didn't have to have the 'safe sex' talk with my son - they were fully up on the subject from their sex Ed classes and I've always been open about the subject.

I feel like your first paragraph indicates you did need to have a talk with him...

Those of you who think ‘most 15 year olds are not having sex’
Are kidding yourselves 🙈

Urgh.

I think you’re basing that on your immediate circle of acquaintances.

The regular natsal survey indicates that two thirds of 15yr olds are not having sex. The evidence also indicates that young people, especially girls, feel pressured to have sex at a younger age and there is more shame attached to losing your virginity the older you get. “Co-researcher Dr Melissa Palmer said: "Our findings seem to support the idea that young women are more likely than young men to be under pressure from their partners to have sex.”

The most recent natsal survey from 2012 (done every ten years so one is due this year) found

“The responses showed that nearly 40% of young women and 26% of young men did not feel that their first sexual experience had happened "at the right time".
When asked in more depth, most said they wished they had waited longer to lose their virginity. Few said they should have done it sooner.

• Most had had sex by the time they were 18


• half had done it by the time they were turning 17.


• Nearly a third had sex before turning 16.”


• Around half of the young women and four in 10 of the young men who responded failed this measure.


• And almost one in five women and one in 10 men said they and their partner had not been equally willing to have sex at the time, suggesting some felt pressured to have intercourse.

My dd started seeing first bf when she was 14 . His dad saw love bites and she was banned . They did it on a park
Second bf in dec aged 14 yrs 3 months .
We had talk about consent , being too young everything suggested in this thread including not allowing in bedroom , doors open talking to other parents . She agreed but then had unprotected sex 3 months later and had to have pregnancy test at drs .
She is now on birth control knowing I don't agree with her having sex and still not allowed in her bedroom . But I can't be with her 24/7 and I now know she can't get pregnant. It's been really tough .

Doesn't Peppa pig have sex? I'm stunned.