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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Legal implications of DS15 having sex

47 replies

TheGander · 29/04/2022 11:03

I have name changed for this after years of single name posting. DS has a girlfriend whom we haven’t met yet. He is very keen to have her over while DH and I are out for a meal late night cinema . They may or may not have sex. I’m aware they are below age of consent. We don’t want to stick our neck in the sand ( DH is going to have the talk about contraception) but I’m also worried it could look like we’re facilitating him breaking the law, on top of concerns about emotional maturity. ( his and hers) . He seems completely distracted by this romance, is quite secretive and whatever we say seems to have little impact right now.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 29/04/2022 11:08

If she’s the same age as him, nothing will happen.

If she’s a older, she could potentially be charged with statutory rape.

WhereIsMyBrain · 29/04/2022 12:43

Are you in touch with her parents? I’d want to be sure they knew that she was coming round when you were out- not all parents would be happy with this.

if they are both under 16, it’s technically illegal but CPS policy is not to prosecute unless other factors make it appropriate.

ApolloandDaphne · 29/04/2022 12:49

If they are the same age and they have consensual sex then nothing will happen. I say this as an ex child protection social worker.

ApolloandDaphne · 29/04/2022 12:50

And yes, discuss contraception and consent with his.

orangeisthenewpuce · 29/04/2022 12:55

I'd say he couldn't have her over while you're not in the house. If they do want to have sex they'll find a way but I certainly wouldn't be facilitating it.

NoSquirrels · 29/04/2022 13:01

Same age and with consent, nothing will happen.

It is illegal, but he’ll know that as well as you do unless he’s a very unusual or immature 15 year old.

If you’re hoping to use it as a threat or bargaining chip, don’t.

He needs to be very clear on consent, that it would generally be better to wait, and that contraception is 100% non negotiable and if neither of them are mature enough to sort that out (independently) then they shouldn’t have sex until they are.

NoSquirrels · 29/04/2022 13:03

Personally I wouldn’t let him have her over whilst you’re not there if you haven’t met her yet. That seems like a pretty small ask, to meet her?

GiltEdges · 29/04/2022 13:17

Soubriquet · 29/04/2022 11:08

If she’s the same age as him, nothing will happen.

If she’s a older, she could potentially be charged with statutory rape.

A woman can't legally rape a man.

GalactatingGoddess · 29/04/2022 13:30

Good advice on here.

Personally, I'd be telling him that:

A.) I have to meet her before I'd consider her being in the house alone with hun

B.) speaking to her parents to ensure that they are happy with those plans. If DD were to go to some lads house alone when she's older and the parents knew/didn't tell me I'd be really upset.

C.) discussing consent VERY clearly with him

D.) Condoms/Contraception chat which you're already doing.

It's tricky OP. Teenagers always find a way and you'd rather they were safe, but her parents need to know too and as it's your home, you get to meet her first!

axolotlfloof · 29/04/2022 13:30

I would want to ensure he understands consent/coercion.
I also think it's reasonable for you to ask to meet her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/04/2022 13:37

@Soubriquet Statutory rape does not exist in the U.K. The police would be unlikely to act even if one was over and one under 16 if they are of very similar age.

i agree with others that you should meet her at the very least. If he’s old enough for some kind of sexual activity with this girl, he is old enough to be expected to conduct himself in an adult manner. And that means introducing her etc.

JazzApple · 29/04/2022 13:50

If she’s a older, she could potentially be charged with statutory rape.
Maybe if she has a penis she could rape him.

Ferngreen · 29/04/2022 14:17

ApolloandDaphne · 29/04/2022 12:49

If they are the same age and they have consensual sex then nothing will happen. I say this as an ex child protection social worker.

Would it be the same if they were both 14 @ApolloandDaphne ?

AgathaAllAlong · 29/04/2022 14:19

GiltEdges · 29/04/2022 13:17

A woman can't legally rape a man.

Show quote history

I mean, no one can legally rape anyone......

But if you mean can a woman be charged of rape, then yes, of course she can.

AgathaAllAlong · 29/04/2022 14:21

What the fuck, ok, I was talking shit. I did not know that instances of rape are described as sexual assault if done by a woman. That seems insane, no?

RaaRaaOhhhLaaaLaaa · 29/04/2022 14:22

You can only rape someone if you have a penis.

ApolloandDaphne · 29/04/2022 14:38

@Ferngreen Yes. Although the younger they are the more likely there would be some discussion around how and why they might be compromising themselves.

Neverreturntoathread · 29/04/2022 14:47

OP I would suggest:

  1. Have the contraception chat, and make sure he understands that no contraception is 100% effective, ie that to have sex is to accept a small risk of pregnancy (and 18yrs child maintenance £).
  2. Buy him condoms.
  3. Ask him to read this re the law and be very clear that you are not condoning criminal activity and you think they should wait til age 16 for PIV: www.supportincornwall.org.uk/kb5/cornwall/directory/advice.page?id=LgB5dq8t-Sw
  4. Ask him to watch the tea video re consent. I’m sure he’ll feel he knows it all, but it’s a useful reminder that people change their minds. m.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ
  5. Make sure he knows that porn is fantasy entertainment made by weirdos and that real sex is very different. Give him a sex manual. If he’s going to do it, he should know where the clitoris is and what to do with it, otherwise his romance may not last long!
Neverreturntoathread · 29/04/2022 14:50

AgathaAllAlong · 29/04/2022 14:21

What the fuck, ok, I was talking shit. I did not know that instances of rape are described as sexual assault if done by a woman. That seems insane, no?

I don’t see why that’s insane. Sex isn’t equal. The female has the risk of pregnancy and the damage that does to her body, and the male does not. The law reflects this difference, whatever you may think of it.

Farahilda · 29/04/2022 14:51

The age of strict liability in all a parts of the UK is 13, so nothing would happen to two (possibly enthusiastically) consenting 14 yos, unless there were factors giving specific cause for concern.

There is no such thing as statutory rape in any UK jurisdiction. And in UK rape specifically means the non-consensual penetration of the vagina, anus or mouth of another person with the penis. Other sexual offences can carry the same sentence as rape, depending on what had occurred (eg penetration by an implement)

Vidax · 29/04/2022 14:55

DS has a girlfriend whom we haven’t met yet.

I wouldn't be happy about this. He is 15 - young enough to be groomed or moulded by a potentially older person. She should not be coming over when you are out

EarringsandLipstick · 29/04/2022 15:15

They may or may not have sex

I just never understand posts like this. I fully get the wider point OP, that you recognise that your DS may have sex and you want to make sure you give him the correct advice, and are clear on the legal implications of any choice.

I have a 15yo and I am really clear on my views on sex. She is nowhere near the stage of wanting a boyfriend so in my case it's academic.

I would not want my 15 yo having sex. I would not want any of my DC having sex without being responsible or mature enough to make the choice to do so. Is this idealistic? Possibly - but how it influences my parenting is that my DC hear really clearly and unambiguously from me how I view sex and relationships and what I want from them.

This may not be what actually happens but I am always amazed that parents on MN feel they have go along with the whole 'they'll do it anyway, might as well be in my house where it's safe' approach.

In your case OP I would ask him about this! And express your views and values on it, and then also cover the practical (contraception) and legal aspects of choosing to have sex at this age, if you feel it's a viable proposition.

I don't think any 15 yo has the emotional or intellectual capacity to safely consent to sex and properly and consistently use contraception.

maddiemookins16mum · 29/04/2022 15:28

Call me old fashioned but I’d not be facilitating any chance of two children having sex, wtf is all this get him a sex manual and tell him where the clitoris is. Two many youngsters are almost encouraged to have early sex these days.

tuliplover · 29/04/2022 15:33

@EarringsandLipstick
You raise your kids your way. I have two and they have very different attitudes to sex and it hasn't come from me. Their peers are just as influential as you are. I'm equally amazed as you seem to be when I hear parents say 'oh my (teenage) son has never seen porn'. Maybe not. But I'd say if they go to school they will have or at least been offered a chance to view it.
Likewise when we were talking about the HPV - a few parents said they'd wait til their kids was 16 or so - too late by then!
Far too many parents seem to be completely, almost wilfully, oblivious to what their kids get up to.

AgathaAllAlong · 29/04/2022 15:34

Neverreturntoathread · 29/04/2022 14:50

I don’t see why that’s insane. Sex isn’t equal. The female has the risk of pregnancy and the damage that does to her body, and the male does not. The law reflects this difference, whatever you may think of it.

Show quote history

I don't think the badness of rape is due to possibly getting pregnant. Being raped whilst on the pill is just as bad!

Anyway sorry to derail your thread OP, my take would be: meet her, have "the talk", let them get on with it.

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