Page 2 | Legal implications of DS15 having sex

TheGander · 2022-04-29T10:03:31+00:00

I have name changed for this after years of single name posting. DS has a girlfriend whom we haven’t met yet. He is very keen to have her over while DH and I are out for a meal late night cinema . They may or may not have sex. I’m aware they are below age of consent. We don’t want to stick our neck in the sand ( DH is going to have the talk about contraception) but I’m also worried it could look like we’re facilitating him breaking the law, on top of concerns about emotional maturity. ( his and hers) . He seems completely distracted by this romance, is quite secretive and whatever we say seems to have little impact right now.

pickuportripup · 29/04/2022 15:36

Shocked that people are happy to have the talk and then allow sex to happen in their house.

No contraception is 100%, as I sit here unfortunately pregnant with a coil! What if she did get pregnant? At 15?

Pregnant! At 15!

EarringsandLipstick · 29/04/2022 15:43

Far too many parents seem to be completely, almost wilfully, oblivious to what their kids get up to.

I hear what you are saying. But I'm not. Of course re HPV that's nuts (not least because there are clear reasons to give it at 12 / 13).

I'm exactly the opposite to what you describe. I am very frank, open & clear. Both about what they might do and my views on the same.

It's not a good idea for any 15 yo to have sex. And I would be making sure that I limit the chances of that occurring, through dialogue and also the arrangements I make.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/04/2022 15:44

Being raped whilst on the pill is just as bad!

Of course. But the added trauma of dealing with an unwanted pregnancy only affects a female who has been raped by a male

lameasahorse · 29/04/2022 16:02

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Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 29/04/2022 16:08

Soubriquet · 29/04/2022 11:08

If she’s the same age as him, nothing will happen.

If she’s a older, she could potentially be charged with statutory rape.

In the UK a women can’t commit rape and statutory rape doesn’t exist in the UK either.

Original poster

TheGander · 29/04/2022 16:35

Thank you to all who took the time to give their views and helpful advice. I didn’t think I’d be facing this, he goes to an all boys school and is quite a serious kid. I myself was a square who at his age was
mostly to be found in the public library when not at school and I didn’t lose
my virginity till I was 20. The main take always for me are 1) consent- I will absolutely be going over this with him 2) emotional maturity- I will urge him to wait. I don’t think he’s known this girl for long at all. Obviously contraception and as I mentioned DH will cover that one. I haven’t met the girl and have no idea who her parents are. This could all blow over but as he seems keen to pursue relationships and it won’t do any harm to tackle these issues anyway.

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 29/04/2022 17:34

My mum was like you. I had sex and she did not know. She still thinks I did not have sex until much older. I do not regret having sex young. I do regret having to lie to my mum.

Then you're not reading my posts.

I'm not like your mum (as you describe her). I'm confident that I would (most likely) know if my DC had sex before adulthood. I'm equally confident that we have the kind of relationship where they are crystal clear on my views but they are also confident enough to challenge & debate them.

This is not a 'you must not have sex before marriage' dictat - I talk to my kids, they talk to me & I don't expect they'll need to lie.

There are exceptions - I won't know details of their sex life as adults, nor would I expect to. But at the stage I'm at with my kids, I talk openly & honestly, no topic is off limits but I'm unapologetic about my expectations and beliefs & reasons why.

Artsuggestions2022 · 29/04/2022 17:37

maddiemookins16mum · 29/04/2022 15:28

Call me old fashioned but I’d not be facilitating any chance of two children having sex, wtf is all this get him a sex manual and tell him where the clitoris is. Two many youngsters are almost encouraged to have early sex these days.

This 100% - what the point of having a law saying that under 16 can not consent if we then consent and buy a sex manual

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/04/2022 17:44

HE would not be doing anything illegal. If his partner was much older she/he would be, but if they are both 15 no crime has been committed. It's not the sex that's illegal it's having sex with someone under the age of consent that is the criminal offence.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/04/2022 17:45

Artsuggestions2022 · 29/04/2022 17:37

This 100% - what the point of having a law saying that under 16 can not consent if we then consent and buy a sex manual

Show quote history

The law doesn't say under 16s can't consent though

Aberration · 29/04/2022 17:54

@EarringsandLipstick I think sometimes you strike lucky and the teenager just isn’t interested till they’re a bit older so I’m not disputing that you are right about your daughter. But equally there are loads of parents who would say the same as you and their kids are off having underage sex.

i got up to all sorts as a teen and my parents had no idea.

Rainallnight · 01/05/2022 09:48

OP, what worries me is his attitude and general behaviour. Specifically wanting you and DP to go out (of your own house!) late, being distracted and secretive…

None of that sounds like the behaviour of someone who is emotionally mature enough to have a sexual relationship. Presumably he’s not like this in other areas of his life?

Is the relationship a healthy one? Sorry if I’ve missed this but have you met the girl and seen how they are together?

Original poster

TheGander · 01/05/2022 12:38

I agree the secretiveness is annoying. He is like that generally and has been so since puberty hit. Before that we had a close, even delightful relationship. He’s been pushing me and DH away for about 3 years and Covid made things worse. He seems very keen to have a girlfriend ( had one before but she finished with him, I’m pretty sure it never got sexual). I think he’s curious about sex and realistically he’s unlikely to want to do anything when we are around and his options for a place are limited. It’s not mature behaviour particularly but then he is 15. I’ ll talk to him about waiting and hope some of it does register.

OP posts:

Ferngreen · 01/05/2022 15:53

So why don't they have sex at the girl's house?

Presumably because no parents are really in favour of it and so he wants to take advantage of you being away. I would def make moves to meet or speak to her DPs.

twoblueskies · 02/05/2022 08:18

@EarringsandLipstick .
I'm mum of a Dd aged 14 who has a bf same age . We had the talk , very clear views from me that I wasn't giving space for sex in our home , respecting self etc . Contacted his parents who agreed the same to supervising. Told her if she needed anything she could come to me and be listened to and advised . If they did have sex use a condom. But I told her she was too young , illegal and risks of stds .

They sneaked upstairs while I was in the garage for 10 mins getting something for the car and had unprotected sex .

I found out from another parent who the bf told because my Dd refused to talk to him about the possibility of being pregnant . A dr confirmed she wasn't

The outcome is she is now on birth control but my rules are the same . It changes nothing except she won't get pregnant and knows where to get condoms.

And @Neverreturntoathread
I won't be giving a Manuel about how to have good sex , they can have crap sex and work it out for themselves !

twoblueskies · 02/05/2022 08:25

Also would add that before bf and interest in sex and puberty came me and my Dd were extremely close and nothing off bounds , she asked me what sex felt like , how to give a blow job etc I was also very open and honest ( within reason , I didn't tell her how to give a blow job , I said I didn't know ! ) . It changes when they get a bf and that relationship becomes more important than family for a while .

Despite everything we are still close and she is in trauma therapy for something else . So close in face that she often chooses me to come into therapy sessions with her .

twoblueskies · 02/05/2022 08:27

Finally , nobody comes into house without me having parents phone number . They are still children , albeit big ones !

sudoscream · 02/05/2022 08:34

EarringsandLipstick · 29/04/2022 17:34

My mum was like you. I had sex and she did not know. She still thinks I did not have sex until much older. I do not regret having sex young. I do regret having to lie to my mum.

Then you're not reading my posts.

I'm not like your mum (as you describe her). I'm confident that I would (most likely) know if my DC had sex before adulthood. I'm equally confident that we have the kind of relationship where they are crystal clear on my views but they are also confident enough to challenge & debate them.

This is not a 'you must not have sex before marriage' dictat - I talk to my kids, they talk to me & I don't expect they'll need to lie.

There are exceptions - I won't know details of their sex life as adults, nor would I expect to. But at the stage I'm at with my kids, I talk openly & honestly, no topic is off limits but I'm unapologetic about my expectations and beliefs & reasons why.

Exactly. I agree with you @EarringsandLipstick, despite First having sex at 14 (unwanted) and getting pregnant at 16. My children can always talk to me about it, but I'm going to discourage it (and I'd hope they'd listen given my personal experience). You are just a normal parent.

There's a spectrum between giving in to it/facilitating and banning sex til marriage, like you say. And most kids (the majority) aren't having full on sex before 16, I don't think. Just the ones who get into little relationships, and ones like me who had other issues and got mixed up in it.

Figgygal · 02/05/2022 08:39

Sorry he wouldn't be having her in my house without me having met her first. That needs to happen before any unsupervised visits

twoblueskies · 02/05/2022 09:02

@sudoscream
You sound like you had an experience like my Dd .
Too much too soon, not consensual .

Just a warning the bf parent had him at 16 and no she doesn't want the same for her son but despite his parents talking to him that didn't stop him .

sudoscream · 02/05/2022 09:05

twoblueskies · 02/05/2022 09:02

@sudoscream
You sound like you had an experience like my Dd .
Too much too soon, not consensual .

Just a warning the bf parent had him at 16 and no she doesn't want the same for her son but despite his parents talking to him that didn't stop him .

I'm sorry to hear that, it's really not nice to have to deal with all that so young. Your right though, most kids don't listen to their parents, and realise later on that they probably had a point.

AmbushedByCake · 02/05/2022 09:07

The law doesn't say under 16s can't consent though

That's exactly what the law says. It isn't illegal to have sex under 16, its illegal to have sex with an under 16. There's an important difference between the two. The law is there to protect children not criminalise them. That's why it gets a bit muddy when both parties are under 16, assuming that both parties are willing participants.