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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Am I over-worrying about DS 19s future?

37 replies

citronella · 27/04/2022 16:26

DS is 19, quite creative (more so than he believes himself) but has depression and struggles with pressure, deadlines and stress.
Following the struggles of GCSEs and college we agreed he could take 'a year out' to figure out what he wanted to do. He really struggled with but just about managed to put in an application for uni for next autumn but since then will not even open the portal to check progress on his application which by now will probably been voided. I have tried to be patient and supportive and not push him but I am really quite cross about this because we need to know one way or another so that we can have at least a vague plan for the next year... either uni or a job or something. I would hate to see him scuppering his own chances.
Am I over-worrying? I don't know what to do next or how to play it from here. I don't want to stress him but at the same time he can't just do nothing forever.
Just looking for other perspectives really as it's quite exhausting mentally.
Thank you.

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Original poster
citronella · 27/04/2022 16:29

I forgot to add that he won't even broach the conversation about it.

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AlexanderTheGreat · 27/04/2022 16:32

How is he spending his time now? Is he getting treatment for his depression?

do you think he’d talk to a therapist if he won’t talk to you? Might be a way to consider his options without feeling pressure. (You/he would have to self fund for this so may not be practical.)

Stoppedsmokingnowgrumpy · 27/04/2022 16:34

Are you sure he hasn’t opened it and doesn’t know? My friends son did this when he knew he’d been rejected and didn’t wish to admit it.

Original poster
citronella · 27/04/2022 16:38

@AlexanderTheGreat

Mostly in his bedroom although we did seek GP help and he has been given tablets which are helping his mood a lot. I have also forced the hand a bit to get him out and about and he has started driving lessons.

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Original poster
citronella · 27/04/2022 16:41

@Stoppedsmokingnowgrumpy This has crossed my mind and I did ask him but he says he hasn't. I have said to him that whatever the outcome it's better to know one way or another then we can have a think about any next steps. No shame in it. It's just he won't really even talk about that but then he mentioned buying something to try his hand at and I just thought find out about your application first.

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Original poster
citronella · 27/04/2022 16:42

@Stoppedsmokingnowgrumpy What did your friend do? How did they move on from there?

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PattyDuke · 27/04/2022 16:44

From your OP in terms of qualifications I am guessing he has GCSE's and level 3 quals - which is a good base. If the tablets are helping then that is good also learning to drive. Not sure I would push uni as the answer at the moment. Will he exercise/go to the gym? I would say he needs structure, healthy diet, exercise - then a plan - part-time job? - I'm thinking building on short/medium term goals.

Original poster
citronella · 27/04/2022 16:46

@AlexanderTheGreat
I think he would talk to a therapist but NHS ones don't seem to be doing face to face. Plus as he is over 18 GP won't discuss possibilities with me obviously. They just prescribed him tablets and sent him a link to a Mental Health website. If you are struggling to help yourself a link isn't really helpful.

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Original poster
citronella · 27/04/2022 16:55

@PattyDuke Yes exactly those qualifications. No, not so interested in the gym or rather he loves the ideas of healthy food, exercise etc, but in practise if he goes out for a walk once a month that is a good thing.
I too wonder if Uni is right for him now. It's a lot of pressure (not to say debt) even though it was a subject he was very interested in.
He does help out regularly at our church on the tech team which is great.
I am just scared for his future and for him being able to cope independently. It doesn't have to be uni. I just don't want him to be so anxious and overwhelmed by life. I don't know how to help him.

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WhatHaveIFound · 27/04/2022 16:55

Is he getting treatment for his depression? Any therapy or antidepressents? I know it's hard not to worry but i'm a firm believer that it just takes a bit longer for some people to find their way in life. University might not be right for him at the moment so I personally wouldn't push him.

My own DD suffers from anxiety and depression and it wasn't until she started taking Sertraline that she was able to make any kind of decision at all. She' also had a year out after A levels and is just coming up to finishing a sucessful first year at university. The only thing i'd change now would be that she was studying closer to home.

NrlySp · 27/04/2022 16:59

My suggestion would be a family meeting - with the points of discussion agrees on in advance. He puts some points and you. He might surprise you.
If no Uni then a time table needs to be put in place for training/job/starting to pay rent.
He can’t drift forever. Try not to be scared. Instead believe in his abilities and a small amount of pressure to start to achieve them.

AlexanderTheGreat · 27/04/2022 17:03

I wonder whether it would be better to take uni off the table for now- it doesn’t sound as if it’s really the right option and possibly the thought of it isn’t helping. A job (part time?) while continuing to live at home might be a better fit at the moment.

(This obviously doesn’t rule out uni in the future- plenty of people got in their early 20s for all sorts of reasons.)

Original poster
citronella · 27/04/2022 17:03

@WhatHaveIFound Yes sertraline too. DS sounds very similar to your DD. I hope she feels happier.
You are right I tell myself not to push and that is what I say mostly to him to take his time and not everyone is the same etc etc (DS2 is effortlessly academic). I just want him to be happy whatever he does but I also don't want him to do nothing! I got annoyed with him about not opening the application and now I feel bad for that. Needed to come on here and just get other perspectives and maybe a bit of encouragement. Don't want to talk about it to others in RL.

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Original poster
citronella · 27/04/2022 17:06

Thank you @NrlySp . Unfortunately he won't even discuss.

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Original poster
citronella · 27/04/2022 17:08

@AlexanderTheGreat This was exactly my thinking back in August last year. However now, 8 months on I am getting slightly sweaty palms.

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titchy · 27/04/2022 17:13

What did he apply for and what are his grades like compared to the standard offers of the places he applied to?

If he does have offers he has till 9 June to accept. If he doesn't do anything by then he's declined by default - ie the offers are withdrawn. So has a good few weeks yet.

AMindOfMyOwn · 27/04/2022 17:15

Could you afford to pay some some counselling privately?

i agree that one reason why he isn’t looking at what Unis have said is because it might well be just too scary for him. And he might not be ready for Uni. Or not if he has to go away.

i tend to look at MH the same way I look at physical issues. If you are ill, then your health needs to take precedence over everything else. Because it’s not (always?) possible to push through regardless. And often taking time to recover is more efficient than trying to act of you were well.
So I’d start with counselling first alongside his medication. I’d push him to do a review with his GP. Or if he doesn’t want to, I’d have a word with his GP to raise your issue. The GP might decide that it’s a good idea to do a review with him (GP won’t be able to discuss with you what’s going with him though. You can only raise your concerns iyswim).

Marty13 · 27/04/2022 17:17

Hey OP. This was my brother (he spent his time gaming or watching videos).
He's turning 30 this year, never had a job, still living with our parents. He sabotaged his own life to the point where I'm not even sure it can be salvaged. I wish my parents had kicked him out ten years ago, maybe that would have been the wake up call he needed. I wish they had at least forced him to speak to a therapist and take proactive steps to improve his issues. We suspect ASD but to this day we don't know because he's never been assessed/diagnosed.

I have told my parents I will not have him in my home after they're gone. I don't think it's a service to do him. It'd be different if he was trying to get help but he can't even be arsed to try, I don't want my children to grow up with this kind of role model. I know my other sibling feels the same way.

Don't let this happen to your son. Don't let him stay home and do nothing next year. Tell him he must have either a job or uni by septembre or you're kicking him out (I know it's hard, he's your baby, but there is no alternative, or at least none that worked with my brother).

Marty13 · 27/04/2022 17:20

I want to add, before I sound heartless, that I'll help my brother in other ways - with admin, with writing his CV, with cover letters, etc. But I will not subsidize him and I won't house him. That is my line in the sand. (especially considering what a terrible guest he is, hoarding dirty dishes in his room, never contributing to anything, never helping with chores. Thanks but no thanks.)

Efortyjive · 27/04/2022 17:21

That's great he's doing better on the tablets, how long has he been on them? I wouldn't push university to be honest, I know it can be hard when his peers are heading off, but sounds like perhaps some time out to consider what he wants to do would be would- a caveat being he should find a job in the meantime. I was the same to be honest, I went to uni when I was 20 in the end and having some time off from the pressure of studying helped me figure out what I wanted to do and also to get my head together.

Original poster
citronella · 27/04/2022 17:22

@AMindOfMyOwn yes I think you are right. At the same time he has said he wants to be able to be with people who 'think like me' and have the same interests.

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citronella · 27/04/2022 17:24

So, how do I build bridges again now that I got annoyed?

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citronella · 27/04/2022 17:31

@Efortyjive Thank you. He's been on them less than 2 months. I think I will try and see if I can afford a few private counselling sessions (if I can find someone without a mega long waiting list) and then a part-time job in the autumn.
If I am really honest I would be a bit sad to see him doing something I didn't dream he would love doing. I mean all the signs seemed to be pointing to a good creative life and career when he was little.

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Gowithme · 27/04/2022 17:32

I was wondering about the possibility of ASD. It sounds like he's pretty overwhelmed by life and that would be typical. Depression and anxiety are very common. Please don't threaten to kick him out as a pp suggests, he may already have very low self esteem. He needs support, encouragement and a lot of help pointing him in the right direction.

I wonder if he would let someone else check his results for him? I suspect that I have ASD (have a diagnosed child) and I didn't go in to get my A level results, I was told by a friend who'd seen my results (when these things weren't confidential!) and i was so pleased to find out that way. He might not want you or his dad to do it but maybe there's someone else? Some one at church he trusts perhaps. It's all about finding ways to help him that he can cope with.

I would give him some options and give him a deadline - procrastination is also very common with ASD! He needs to figure a way to find out that leaves you and him enough time to plan his next steps.

I think it's also worth talking to him about his options if he doesn't get in, talk to him about some things he might want to do so he knows he has other options - this will take the pressure off the results a little as well.

Original poster
citronella · 27/04/2022 17:34

@Marty13 I do hear what you say and I pray we won't end up in the same situation. However, I could never ever kick him out and say he didn't have a home at home. Thankfully, he does help out a bit as I have drummed that in to both DSs

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