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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Am I over-worrying about DS 19s future?

37 replies

citronella · 27/04/2022 16:26

DS is 19, quite creative (more so than he believes himself) but has depression and struggles with pressure, deadlines and stress.
Following the struggles of GCSEs and college we agreed he could take 'a year out' to figure out what he wanted to do. He really struggled with but just about managed to put in an application for uni for next autumn but since then will not even open the portal to check progress on his application which by now will probably been voided. I have tried to be patient and supportive and not push him but I am really quite cross about this because we need to know one way or another so that we can have at least a vague plan for the next year... either uni or a job or something. I would hate to see him scuppering his own chances.
Am I over-worrying? I don't know what to do next or how to play it from here. I don't want to stress him but at the same time he can't just do nothing forever.
Just looking for other perspectives really as it's quite exhausting mentally.
Thank you.

OP posts:

Efortyjive · 27/04/2022 17:35

citronella · 27/04/2022 17:31

@Efortyjive Thank you. He's been on them less than 2 months. I think I will try and see if I can afford a few private counselling sessions (if I can find someone without a mega long waiting list) and then a part-time job in the autumn.
If I am really honest I would be a bit sad to see him doing something I didn't dream he would love doing. I mean all the signs seemed to be pointing to a good creative life and career when he was little.

Would be consider an art foundation course or something? An in-between school and university, might be less overwhelming?

Mossstitch · 27/04/2022 17:35

Personally I'd say in the nicest possible way, back off. Support him with anything he needs but leave him to start any conversations. Mother of three sons, two of whom had problems with anxiety. One went straight to uni but had to retake years due to anxiety over exams, on medication even years later but holds down a job just fine. Another didn't want to go to uni after A levels but eventually, after some rubbish jobs sorted himself out, did an access course, uni and now a nurse but he was mid 20s by that time. I think boys take longer than girls to decide what they want to do/grow up and adding mental health problems into the mix is a recipe for disaster if further pressure put on them. Happy and healthy is the main thing, uni can happen anytime! I myself went in my 40s😊

Gowithme · 27/04/2022 17:36

Oh also don't feel like you're babying him or being too controlling or too involved in his life - if he has ASD these things are vital to get them off the ground. He will need some firm but gentle pushing, some deadlines, to be made aware of his options. He will likely be emotionally immature compared to others and feel easily overwhelmed which leads to complete procrastination - I know that one all too well!

Original poster

citronella · 27/04/2022 17:40

@Gowithme how and at what age did you get a diagnosis?

OP posts:

Original poster

citronella · 27/04/2022 17:40

@Mossstitch
That is comforting to read.

OP posts:

Original poster

citronella · 27/04/2022 17:42

Thank you for sharing your different situations, it's very helpful.
No DP here to bounce thoughts off.

OP posts:

SuzyQ12 · 27/04/2022 17:54

Would he find part time study with the OU more manageable at the moment? He could continue living at home so not completely out of his comfort zone but still making progress towards something with as much of a financial commitment or potentially overwhelming transition as moving to uni campus full time.

Original poster

citronella · 27/04/2022 18:35

@SuzyQ12 yes he applied to a uni near enough to be able to live at home.

OP posts:

Justkeeppedaling · 27/04/2022 18:36

Would an apprenticeship suit him better?

Mojoj · 27/04/2022 18:40

I would forget about university for this year. If he's so stressed that he can't even bear the thought of checking his status, then he's definitely not ready for uni. Maybe encourage him to get a job - shelf filling in a supermarket - something with minimum stress? Just to get him out into the world? University will still be there in a year's time.

Bayleaf25 · 02/05/2022 10:52

Just a couple of thoughts.

Does he have any friends? Or is he not getting out at all??

In terms of getting him to open up would he be up for doing anything with you? Cinema? Shopping trip? Visit to London (or other big city). Where he can have a change of scenery and maybe open up about how he’s feeling?

It is normal to feel anxious about the future and to a certain extent the shutting down is normal self preservation, however it sounds slightly bigger than this.

is the degree one without exams (less pressure?). Maybe if you planted the seed of deferring for a year and getting a job it would take the pressure off him?

I would persist in looking at counselling etc and for him to see this as a positive step rather than anything else.

i have a 19 yo DS myself who has shut down at points at stressful times so I do feel for you. Go easy on yourself and I really hope things pick up.

justasking111 · 02/05/2022 11:03

Forget university this year. He needs to get a job out of the house hospitality, retail, mix with others rather than brooding in his room. His confidence will grow with the help of the meds.

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