Can I talk to my teen DD about weight?

[ManyManyBiscuits]

My 14.5 year old DD is not hugely active. I'm worried about this and her weight.

We have sensible, balanced evening meals, which she helps to cook, and have healthy snacks in the house but she tends to not eat breakfast or lunch and then buys crap from the shop on the way home from school. On holiday and at Easter she ate a lot of treats.

I don't know what she weighs but she is a little shorter than me and is generally in adult size 10-12 clothes. She looks heavy compared to her friends. A healthy weight range for her age and height would be 7-10 stones. I'm pretty sure she's at the top if not over that.

Periodically she'll have a burst of doing YouTube 10 minute workouts or going to gym if her friends are going but if it's hard work, she's not keen.

I have tried to be a good role model when it comes to eating and activity. I've tried to avoid talking about my own weight or dieting and have generally been a healthy weight and active throughout her life. I've tried offering healthy food to take to school and talked about the issues for concentration from not eating during the day.

Just now she's at a stage in life where she doesn't really want my advice or help - when I talk to her about planning her homework or revising, as another example, she tunes me out.

I can't force her to cycle to school or to eat breakfast. I'm not sure if there's an incentive that would work. Mostly I've tried reminding her that she needs to make healthy choices. But I've not said specifically that I'm worried about her weight - I feel like that's a forbidden thing to do.

Should I make a doctor's appointment for her ? Is there something else I can try?

I’ll be interested to see what others think.

My just 16 dd is easily a size 14 and very curvy. I think she has lipedema as her arms and legs are disproportionately big compared to her waist, but she’s still overweight. Mind you she eats crap - good meals at home but loads of Mc Donald’s when out with friends and Wetherspoons breakfasts etc 🙄

I tell her that she needs to eat healthily but I never mention weight, or size, or being fat or anything that implies she doesn’t look good. I want her to be confident in how she feels and she is.
She’ll never be really slim, but she can be happy.

I’d also be interested to see what others think and especially what parents of older teens have done.

DD12 has always had a sweet tooth and has over the years taken sweet treats, hidden them in her room etc we find multiple hidden wrappers. Weight was manageable when in primary but now at secondary and same as OP is devouring rubbish food at lunch / after school or when out with her friends. She is conscious of her weight and has developed stretch marks which she doesn’t like, but still won’t accept the correlation with eating rubbish and likelihood of getting more stretch marks.

She does a couple of extra curricular activities over the week but otherwise is quite sedentary and resists other encouragement to be more active.

So no answers OP but maybe a bit of solidarity and hopefully others may have some wisdom. It’s so hard when you’re doing the ‘right’ thing role modelling wise but they just aren’t interested!

How about a gym membership?

I’m not sure I understand the part about the doctors appointment? You say she’s in size 10-12? What do you think the doctor would say or do?

i think it’s very very tricky but I don’t think you can or should do much more than you are. You can encourage and make it as easy as possible for her to be active eg gym membership, and eat healthily but I think expressing concern about her weight is likely to back fire. If she was a size 20 my answer would be different but it doesn’t sound like she is an unhealthy weight.

i think you’re right to feel it’s forbidden to mention her weight.

Similar issues here with 15 year old DD.
Loves sugary and carby stuff like most people (me included). However, she has health issues and should be making sensible choices as per her doctor who wants her to start dairy and gluten free trials on her.
I yo-yo between ignoring her eating habits and making comments which I know is counter-productive in all ways.

We struggle with snacks taken to school with packed lunch, after school snacks and also the frequent coffee(and cake) outings with friends.
I appreciate this is all part of growing up but she is also starting to feel less confident with how much weight she has put on and them comfort eats too.
We had over consumption of sugary cereal for breakfast and I somehow put a stop to that by only having weetabix, oats and oatibix during term time.
I was worried she would skip breakfast if I did that but thankfully that hasn't happened. I also provide fruit and sugar free activia yoghurt for breakfast. I know full fat Greek would be better and more filling and I hope we can dswitch slowly.
Downside is more preparation work for me in the mornings but if I did not do it, she would eat a cereal biscuit with milk and dash off.
I also worry a lot about being hungry at school and not being able to focus so do not mind doing this in the morning.
I send packed lunch most days which is usually a sandwich with cheese and cucumber/wrap with salad and falafel/pasta with veg. She does take snacks in addition to packed lunch like a cereal bar, some treats and if I nag some salad/fruit (noticing that too much fruit is also not a great thing).
Unfortunately not much of protein is taken at lunch as we are vegetarians and she doesn't like egg.
Evenings is usually beige stuff like brioche/scones/biscuits/pot noodles. I am at work and she is too lazy to help herself to something healthy. She also seems to be starving when she gets back home (again must be due to lack of protein at lunch time)
Dinner is home made meals and fairly healthy though we all could do with managing portion sizes.

I also put money in the school lunch account as sometimes she doesn't want to take lunch from home.
I notice when there is money in the account, it is generously spent on 2 snack items, juice etc. I am starting to be more strict and saying this amount has to last you X days but then she compensates by taking lunch from home and buying just snacks from school.
I do talk to her about it but it has not helped.
On holidays she is quite bad and gets very annoyed if we say we are sharing a pizza/dessert.
On a week's holiday during Easter she had a full pizza almost 5 out of the 7 nigh, a fizzy drink atleast twice a day and ice-creams most days.
This is in addition to sugary breakfasts and high carb, cheesy meals rest of the times.
She also commented that her weight has ballooned recently and asked if she could see a doctor. However, I suspect she wishes there is something wrong with her and the doctor can magically fix it.
I may take her to the doctor as she has asked for it and see if they can get her thyroid etc checked. She was into puberty rather late and I don't know if this is any factor. She has also been on the chubby side since the day she was born.
She does feel not very confident in the way she dresses.
When we go shopping she does buy fitted tops, short skirts and shorts but never wears them and also ends up wearing an over-sized hoodie and joggers.
She does an activity 4 to 5 times a week but is largely sedentary weekends and holidays.
I need to maybe try something like zumba or cross-fit but she is starting to get busy with school work now and we cannot fit in anymore.
Sadly she isn't into mum and daughter fitness things at this current stage. Its more wanting to be with friends/phone and SM.

You’re right to tread carefully. I was a slim child who got podgy during puberty due to lack of exercise and too much crap.

My parents spoke to me and I was mortified as I hadn’t noticed. I was probably a size 10/12. I went on a diet which was initially successful (lost a stone) but then led to a binge/purge cycle. I went up to 11/12 stone and was not able to buy clothes in normal shops. It was miserable and mortifying. I was food obsessed and self-loathing. I often think that if I never started that diet at 13, I wouldn’t have got so fat. I may not have been slim, but not so obese at 17 that I couldn’t see my toes.

What would have helped? Role-modelling and encouraging a healthy lifestyle and self-esteem. So daily activity and making sure meals at home are satisfying, delicious and nutritious. Make sure she knows what a healthy lifestyle is if ever she wants to follow it, and that includes occasional treats, but 80% good.

She may not but most teens grow out of the junk food stage as they realise that eating pizza everyday make you miserable.

Sadly she isn't into mum and daughter fitness things at this current stage. Its more wanting to be with friends/phone and SM.

Teenagers don't want to hang out with their parents, that's a given. How about a personal trainer?

To be honest a size 10-12 age 14.5 doesn’t sound that big unless she’s very short?
how big are you op? I’m just wondering if you yourself are very petite then she will naturally look bigger to you?
I have a Neice who’s a size 10, 5ft and looks to be a very average, very healthy weight.
my ds has mainly female friends and they are all shapes and sizes.
age 14 is an age of self awareness , going out with friends and having lunch/cake etc is still a new thing for them and they have to make their own choices. Often they’ll choose the treat type of foods because that’s not available at home - I was the same at that age!! And still am 😋

keep on encouraging healthy choices at home, encourage fitness and activity too - do you do anything together like walks? Bike rides? Park run?
limit the treats at home if she’s having them out, if they’re not in the cupboards they cannot be eaten.
i honestly think a dr will not do anything for a size 10-12 teen.

I have a 15 year old DD. Her diet seems to consist of carbs, chocolate and smoothies. I serve a healthy meal in the eve, and she'll eat carrot and broccoli but picks out, or refuses to eat all other veg. She eats eg salmon with new potatoes and brocolli, or a roast with carrots and brocolli If I make a pasta sauce, shepherd's pie, anything with veg in she'll painstakingly pick all the bits out. She eats very small portions though and isn't overweight at all, but eats such a limited diet. She says she wants to like salad and vegetables but she seems to dislike every new thing she tries.

I have a real quandary as I had an ED for about 7 years and I don't want to demonise food, but I worry about how unhealthy her diet is. Exercise is really important to me but she is fairly disinterested in that too.

Make it a whole family thing Double your Veg and halve your carbs. Do Couch to 5K together. Check everyone’s BMI

This!! At her age I was getting like this and was just told I looked like a fat tart. This is not the way to go.

Get everybody involved, find an activity she enjoys. I hated sports at school as they were all 'ball based' (netball, hockey, tennis etc) but did find I liked cycling and hill walking etc. But there were less electronic distractions those days. A lot of it (speaking from past experience) is boredom and a need to show independence. Just need to experiment and get her engaged somehow.

Sorry if I am hijacking your thread OP!

She (and I bet most teens) finds family walks are boring, we tried bike rides and that didn't work too.
Step challenge hasn't worked even when bribed with a treat after.
C25k may work but I have bad knees and not sure she will want to do it with me.
I encourage her to do some walks or runs with friends during holidays rather than coffee and cake all the time but what am I saying!

Double your veg and halve the carbs is something I think will help. Also a personal trainer but that would mean commitments on time and effort and not sure she is ready for that.
I may look at gym membership but again not sure if going just on Sundays for an hour will help.
But we have to start somewhere!

How tall is she @ManyManyBiscuits?

How tall is she @ManyManyBiscuits?

Can't speak as a parent, but does she do sport/exercise beyond school?

I was similar at that age but actually I hadn't tried much. Now I love hot yoga, pilates, weights, stand up paddle boarding etc... None of which I had the money or awareness of at that age.

It all seemed to be group sports or cardio = exercise - both of which I loathed and still can't stand as someone who's not naturally competitive.

I'm not saying she should start doing what I like, but what opportunities/exposure to activities beyond your bog standard sports has she had? Does she have many hobbies?

Didn't mean to quote sorry. Apps playing up since the update

Really depends how tall she is op? Her friends might be petite or naturally very slim (or even not have a good relationship with food you never know). I'd go by her bmi and use an online calculator to see if her weight is in the healthy range for her height. Not sure if you had one but my dd is 11 and when she was a baby we were given one of those red books / health record books by the midwife and as well as vaccination records it had the centile graphs in for height and weight for their age, think it goes up to age 18. Pretty sure you can find them online. She might be a healthy weight for her size, we're all different shapes and sizes and she might just be the curviest amongst her friends, who might all be quite slight. My mum always called it "small boned" and that I was just tall (5.10 at 18) and big boned, not overweight! To this day I have a complex about my size compared to my "small / fine boned cousins who were 5.2 and size 6-8 while I was on the chubby side and size 14.
I put on weight at around 13 due to lack of exercise and having what I thought was freedom to eat what I wanted when I was with my friends and not at home, lots of sweet treats, McDonald's, chip shop chips etc. School dinners weren't the healthiest then and we'd get plates of chips and sweet stodgy puddings for lunch. It was when I really liked a boy at 15-16 that I wanted to lose weight and started doing some exercise and cutting out all the crap, reduced portion sizes at home for myself as my mum always gave huge portions.
I do think to some degree it's a phase for a lot of f teens when they are out with friends and can eat what they want, to me it was definitely a feeling of freedom, then I didn't like looking overweight so stopped it.
Definitely don't comment on her weight op, the times anyone in my family did are still fresh in my mind today and really knocked my confidence and made me start comparing myself to my friends and well every other girl then feeling very unhappy.
If you say anything go with the healthy nutritious eating as a family, maybe see a nutritionist to tailor meals and snacks to what she likes, and like others said if she'd hate the idea as exercising together to get in shape for the summer then try offering gym membership or a personal trainer? I think it has to be a family health and fitness drive though, not just about her or she'll just feel rubbish about herself and singled out

I think you need to tread very carefully, at 15 she won't be an idiot and will know that a family carb half, starting couch to 5k, buying her a personal trainer are all because you think she's fat. There's so many late teens/early 20s who talk about the complexes their parents gave them by doing these things, and the disordered habits taught to them.

What is it you are worried about? A size 10-12 doesn't sound massive, and while I suppose she maybe mildly overweight I wouldn't go into panic mode. I think a healthy relationship to someone's body is more important than being mildly overweight

I think it's quite normal for teenagers to eat more junk and do less exercise, and it doesn't necessarily indicate a life long habit or concern, just as 18yr olds often drink too much, teenagers overindulgence as they start to discover food freedom. What is a GP appointment going to do other than tell her shes fat?

I’m a size 10, short and 8 stone ish. Maybe she’s built very differently to me, but she doesn’t sound that big?

I remember my mum trying to tell me to exercise more when I was 14, and in response I tried to get out of the (moving) car. And I didn’t do any more exercise either, so tread carefully!

I would guess at 5ft 3 (that’s my height and my healthy weight range is 7st to 10st as the OP mentioned).

Why on earth would you consider making a Dr’s appt OP?

It’s really hard to know what to say or do for the best isn’t it?
my dd is similar, she started gaining weight around 14/15, she’s not very active (has some mobility issues) and she’s pretty picky with food, she tends to load up with carbs and hardly eats any veg or protein. She buys food at school or when she’s at her dads so I have no control other than what she eats for her evening meals, she skips breakfast also. If I mention anything she gets upset or angry. All I can do is set an example for her but I have been doing this for years and it hasn’t worked. I cook meals from scratch and she refuses to eat them and gets upset. Her sister is the total opposite and eats most things I give her and is more active. Dd is now 18 and a size 12/14 but big on top and around her bottom, she’s only 5”3, she’s not big but I worry she will gain a lot more when she goes to uni and will be living off student food.

I think it's quite normal to be in adult sizes at that age? I would buy adult size 6-8 at age 14 but I was underweight....

If you are aware that she's overweight, then she's aware of it. You don't need to point it out to her. You're doing your bit by providing healthy options at home, if she's choosing unhealthy options outside the home, then I'm afraid that's her choice.

I think that we often over fixate on weight, because it's just so visible and obvious. But there are lots of less visible habits that are equally unhealthy (existing on a small number of entirely "empty" calories, smoking, drinking, undereating, overexercising). And never mind the emotionally unhealthy habits (social media, gossiping, bitching, lying, being entirely self-centred).

I wouldn't worry about her weight. I would celebrate all her positives, remind her explicitly of the things you love about her, and help her love herself. It's much easier to nourish a body that you love than "punish" a body you hate.

5'3 and size 10 doesn't sound overweight. That's similar to my DD and she has a nice, normal figure.
Don't say anything and a Dr appointment is a ridiculous idea.
Eat healthily at home and model good behaviour. Don't give your DD hang ups about her self image.