Can I talk to my teen DD about weight?

[ManyManyBiscuits]

My 14.5 year old DD is not hugely active. I'm worried about this and her weight.

We have sensible, balanced evening meals, which she helps to cook, and have healthy snacks in the house but she tends to not eat breakfast or lunch and then buys crap from the shop on the way home from school. On holiday and at Easter she ate a lot of treats.

I don't know what she weighs but she is a little shorter than me and is generally in adult size 10-12 clothes. She looks heavy compared to her friends. A healthy weight range for her age and height would be 7-10 stones. I'm pretty sure she's at the top if not over that.

Periodically she'll have a burst of doing YouTube 10 minute workouts or going to gym if her friends are going but if it's hard work, she's not keen.

I have tried to be a good role model when it comes to eating and activity. I've tried to avoid talking about my own weight or dieting and have generally been a healthy weight and active throughout her life. I've tried offering healthy food to take to school and talked about the issues for concentration from not eating during the day.

Just now she's at a stage in life where she doesn't really want my advice or help - when I talk to her about planning her homework or revising, as another example, she tunes me out.

I can't force her to cycle to school or to eat breakfast. I'm not sure if there's an incentive that would work. Mostly I've tried reminding her that she needs to make healthy choices. But I've not said specifically that I'm worried about her weight - I feel like that's a forbidden thing to do.

Should I make a doctor's appointment for her ? Is there something else I can try?

I'm sorry to go against the grain but if she is getting overweight you are absolutely right in your instinct to do something about it.

Firstly, lead by example - ensure all food in your house is healthy and she isn't buying crap at school

Make tasty healthy meals that aren't diet like, for example Nando's type chicken salad and pittas for dinner

Can she start a new sport like boxing / mma / street dance / CrossFit?

Focus nutritionally on protein, get proiten bars as treats battle bites are cheap and tasty

Don't talk explicitly about it just say you are all on a health kick for summer and you do the shopping so it's your choice of food

Start a new sport yourself too - you may enjoy it

She’s 15
if she’s overweight she knows it.

if you think she’s overweight, she knows it.

do not check her bmi and do a couch to 5k, that is insane.

I’d probably want to eat junk food if someone kept telling me about my healthy choices as well, your op sounds like you’re not even confident she’s actually overweight…

As a teenager, just be honest. Pussyfooting won’t help just be straight with it

Thank you for the responses. I think the prevailing view is to not push it any further, not say anything explicit and to just keep trying to offer healthy food and new activities. Hopefully she will grow out of it (I do think she's maybe still got a growth spurt left to come).

I think it's hard as a teen to consider the long term implications to health of being overweight or inactive. I can also well see that the wrong approach now could have consequences that could be just as damaging. ho hum.

Here are some answers to questions:

What would a doctor do?
I was thinking if I made DD an appointment for a health check, they would do height, weight and BMI, rather than me bringing it up. This seems universally unpopular though.

Am I (op) overweight or not?
I'm at the top end of the healthy weight range for my height, trending to overweight during lock down and with a special extra peri-menopause mid-riff.
My DH is also in the overweight BMI category but has lost a stone or so this year. We both do regular exercise.

Is she actually overweight?
The healthy weight range for her height (5ft3) goes up to 10 stones. My guess based on looking at her and her clothes, is that she's around that weight. If she were active or even quite active, I'd be much less worried about her weight.

Would she do any family fitness activities?
She does one activity a week, where DH runs a class, but he says she wafts about at the back putting minimal exertion in. She has not so far been tempted to join in on any offered family bike rides, walks or runs.

Are there other types of activity that might be more up her street?
I'm certainly happy to support anything she fancies a go at but she's only willing to give things a go if her friends are also doing it. Her friends do football, dance and swimming but none of these have appealed. I can try and persuade another mum to get them signed up to something together perhaps.

How does she feel about her weight?
She is pretty body confident and happy with her appearance (which is my number one reason for not tackling this head on) but she does complain that her legs chafe when she's wearing shorts and as per a previous PP, she buys clingy small outfits but in practice mostly wears big jogging bottoms and massive t shirts.

Thank you for this message in particular, which has really struck me.

I have a 14 year old DD who is about an Australian size 8. She swims competitively so swims 3km 6 times a week, so I don’t worry about her eating although it’s mainly ok. She’s not overweight but is strong looking - big shoulders, solid thighs.

one thing I’ve noticed over the last 18 months (prob from when her periods started) is that her body has changed a lot. I wouldn’t have noticed it in clothes, but in swimmers it’s evident. Her weight is likely the same, although she hasn’t been weighed in years, but her waist has become smaller, hips (and shoulders) are bigger.

14 year olds don’t have adult bodies - they may be adult size but there are still skeletal changes happening. I wouldn’t take her to the HP (how embarrassing) but focus on increasing the activity a bit.

It's not clear to me from your post that she's actually overweight at all.

In your shoes, I think I'd be more worried about her not eating breakfast and lunch then eating crap after school, than about her weight. That's a very long time to go without food and it's not surprising if she then overeats when she does have something, and having junk is also likely to make her eat more without any nutritional benefit.

Do her friends eat lunch at school? Would she be more likely to eat something if she could take a packed lunch? Is there some way she could start eating breakfast at home?

TBH I'm a size 10-12 at 5ft5 and 9st4, its a bit bigger than I'd like but its well within the healthy range. I am 47. At your daughter's age I was probably only about a half a stone to a stone lighter than now and I'm pretty sure my dress size was about the same as now, although sizes have changed since the 80s, I think I had a smaller waist then.

I would tread carefully. My Mum was obsessed with diets (not in an unhealthy way, she always struggled), but I picked this up and became obsessed with food and ended up with a borderline eating disorder. I was given mixed messages tbh. By the sounds of it you are doing a good job with your daughter. Must be so difficult to know how to play it, but I wouldn't mention her weight if she doesn't

I have a teen dd with an ED so my advice is absolutely do not say anything.

Encourage balanced meals and snacks at home but commenting on your teens weight could trigger them to restrict food which is turn could lead to an eating disorder.

It is normal for teens to gain a bit of extra weight, they are still growing and developing. This usually settles down by lates teens.

My 19yo got (still has) an ED even though she was a healthy weight with very healthy attitude towards food at age 13-18. So the "risk of causing an ED" thing gets nowhere with me. Far as I can tell, DD may have started to be annie because of her fierce competitiveness with bootiful London people and a boyfriend who kept ordering stupidly wasteful Deliveroos. Now, having an ED is part of her identity (and a severe mental illness, of course).

I'm a direct person so I would say something direct and very much about what does she want : does her body size matter to her and would she like to change anything about it. I'd want to take stigma out of "being fat" and just talk about being unfit and large for height as not ideal for good health, and she's a good age now to get into lifelong healthy habits. Ultimately it's her body to be comfortable in at whatever size, and if she's comfortable in her own skin now, that is fantastic. Otherwise, The option to get fitter, "more toned" is something you would help her with if she's ever interested.

My family started on about my weight when I was around 9 or 10.

As a consequence I've dieted and weight-cycled pretty much the last 45+ years and wasted decades hating my body. I've had eating disorders, starved myself, tried to exist on 500 calories a day, or eggs, or grapefruit, and none of that actually lasted. My talents and gifts have lasted. My loyalty and friendship haven't changed. They're by far the more interesting parts of who I am.

I am finally finding peace with my shape, and it's still hard.

You can worry all you like, it won't make a difference. Don't set your daughter up for a lifetime of self-hatred, it's not worth it.

If she was 10 st and with her height, she wouldn't be in size 10-12(even with the generous sizing).I'm a bit taller (by 3cm) and at my lightest which was 65 kgs I was in 12/14 , with 12 being quite a stretch.

Best thing to do is to actually find out her weight and go from there.

Better to have intact mental
health and be slightly overweight than anything else I’d have thought. She just needs your love, your appreciation and your support. I would
steer well clear of anything that means she might think you are making judgements about her. Sounds like you are doing excellent role modelling. Just keep going with that.

I think you’re right to try and help her now, OP. A lot of people are overweight/have overweight kids without realising and it’s much easier to hold healthy habits before you’re an adult.

im 5 foot 8 and fit into size 10 in most shops. My BMI is 27. I’m overweight but most people would say I wasn’t. I walk 5-10 miles each day and play an hour of racquet sports twice a week so I’m not Uber fit or sedentary. I’m probably about average

Dont make it about appearance, just focus on health and don’t make it a big thing

I was an overweight child and teenager. My Mum and Dad would tell me in complete frustration that if I carried on I'd end up like Fatty Arbuckle. Mum would often try and get me to go to weight watchers or tell me she'd give me a pound for every pound I lost. They didn't need to tell me, I knew I was overweight. I was 23 when I finally started to loose it, but what I can say is if she doesn't want to loose any weight then she won't, you've got to be in the right mindset to do it.

They were trying in a clumsy way to do the right thing for me, to try and get me to be healthier, but what it did do was drive me to eat in secret and had given me a life long problem with food and I am an emotional binge eater now. I don't blame them, they tried to do what they thought was right, and maybe I should seek help now I see how disordered my eating can be, but I don't think I'm ready to do that.

Leave the poor girl alone, she’s a perfectly healthy dress size for her age. If you start on about her weight you could create a lifetime of issues for her. My mum was slim and everyone was at her about her weight, it’s caused psychological damage for her whole life.

My Dd is 16 at 14 we noticed a change, we started talking about good choices when eating and everything is okay in moderation.

I’d appreciate advice too. My DD 16, intensely private, is constantly saying she ‘feels horrible’. She gets angry if I ask why (even though I know it’s her weight and her skin) and says you never listen. If I try to broach the subject she gets upset but will say she hates how she looks.

I’ve tried telling her she’s fine, I’ve tried asking her what she doesn’t like, I’ve tried talking about healthy diets, vitamins, walking with me and the dog. Nothing, she just gets angry and upset.

she is overweight, probably a stone over now, and her skin is awful. She refuses fruit and veg, would eat takeaway every day if she could, and I feel utterly helpless. Things got worse over Covid, and we’re galloping into GCSEs so I’m hesitant to try anything else.

Any advice (gentle) gratefully received. I hate seeing her unhappy but am struggling because she seems so unwilling to try anything or discuss specifics of what it is. If she were not bothered, I wouldn’t be. I agree that things are so difficult for teenagers now, too much access to unrealistic expectations and I almost think she feels it is all so out of reach she doesn’t bother.