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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Should i let my almost 18 yr old do what she wants?

30 replies

velvet24 · 18/04/2022 12:51

She's driving me mad. Gave up one college course so we started her on another, now wants to give up that too. Started learning to drive, now wants to give up that too. We left driving for a while as she wasn't fussed then she was the one who was nagging me to get it sorted.

All she wants to do is stay in bed or play PC games. I want to put my foot down now and say no, stick the driving out and stay at college unless you can find something else.

Im so stressed.

OP posts:
bellissimiaow · 18/04/2022 12:55

I would tell her that as she's almost 18, her choices are college, or work and contribute to the house. No other options while she lives with you. No-one gets to sit around in bed all day living rent free and getting things done for them (unless they are a child and even they go to school every day)

Original poster
velvet24 · 18/04/2022 12:56

and the driving lessons? let her give up??

OP posts:
TeenPlusCat · 18/04/2022 12:56

How about:

  • if she's not at college then you stop funding anything you do fund (and note child benefit will cease)
  • if she's not actively learning to drive then you don't give her lifts

e.g. who pays for her phone / clothes / makeup right now?

DD2 is too anxious to learn to drive right now (true), but it is driving me crazy because in 15 months she will need a car to get to work ....

bellissimiaow · 18/04/2022 12:58

Just to add, my daughter wanted to give up college at 18 as well. I told her the choice was hers but if she left college she HAD to get a job. She was working Sundays at the time so asked if she could increase her hours - she's worked full time ever since and loves it. She's 20 now and has saved thousands towards a car/house and is planning to move out next year.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 18/04/2022 12:59

This would drive me mad. Put your foot down. She’s an adult now (in theory) and can’t further develop herself into being well rounded and responsible by staying in bed and playing games.

Work with her on why she gives up. Does it become overwhelming for her? Does she lack self confidence? Is she addicted to gaming?

Original poster
velvet24 · 18/04/2022 13:00

Interesting, she has applied for an apprenticeship and got through to first stage so you never know. Think I will say if that doesn't work out and you really don't want to go to college get a job lined up first (she has a job now 3 days a week around college so could increase that I guess)

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 18/04/2022 13:01

I’m assuming you are having to fund her lifestyle. Tell her if not at college she needs to start funding somethings herself

bellissimiaow · 18/04/2022 13:02

Why is she actually learning to drive? Does she want to be able to drive herself to places and will she have access to a car to be able to use? How does she get around now? Where does she go?
If she's only having lessons because she's 17 and all her friends are then maybe she doesn't need to learn yet. Or if you think it would give her more freedom to do things and get about then encourage her to stick with them.

LetitiaLeghorn · 18/04/2022 13:03

If she doesn't want to drive, chances are she's not going to pay attention. There are other people on the road. Don't make her drive if she doesn't want to.

Bagelsandbrie · 18/04/2022 13:07

So who is paying for the driving lessons? You? Fuck that. She doesn’t appreciate them so no. That stops.

Do you think she’s depressed? Does she have friends etc? If she’s depressed you need to tread more carefully but if she’s just lazy and entitled (if you’re giving her money she won’t see the need to support herself) that’s different and you need to squeeze her financially so she sees the need to get off her bum and “do” something.

(Said as the Mum of a very similar sounding 18 year old).

Original poster
velvet24 · 18/04/2022 13:08

Yes some possibility of mental health, seeing a counsellor but again I'm not sure, as all her friends seem to have issues, not being horrible but I am not sure she has.

OP posts:
MarshmallowSwede · 18/04/2022 13:27

Does she have a job? I would stop funding her being lazy that is number one.

Secondly I would be letting her know that she needs to get her life together as she is not living at home being a lay about forever.

She is getting a free home, free food and doing nothing. Ask her if she wants to be a loser with no money or does she want to be an adult?

I would take away the internet and tell her internet is for people who pay bills and work.

Alightjacket · 18/04/2022 13:47

So she's 17 still. You really should have put the working 3 days and the apprenticeship she's applied for in your OP. The situation isn't as bad as it sounds in your OP. She's not entirely being lazy if she's getting up to go for a job 3 days a week. Some 17 year olds take time to figure out what they want to do. Don't push her to learn to drive, she can do this when she's ready.

TimBoothseyes · 18/04/2022 13:51

@velvet24

and the driving lessons? let her give up??
Yes and tell her that she will need to find other ways of getting about as you are not going to be her free taxi anymore.
Sswhinesthebest · 18/04/2022 13:52

At that age you have to let them go their own way. You can advise but then you have to step back BUT they fund themselves if not at school or college. And they pay board. Even if you don’t need it, save it for them secretly.
There is no such thing as a free ride,

Original poster
velvet24 · 18/04/2022 14:16

@Alightjacket

So she's 17 still. You really should have put the working 3 days and the apprenticeship she's applied for in your OP. The situation isn't as bad as it sounds in your OP. She's not entirely being lazy if she's getting up to go for a job 3 days a week. Some 17 year olds take time to figure out what they want to do. Don't push her to learn to drive, she can do this when she's ready.
She is and yes should have mentioned job etc in OP, she loves her job and goes off happily and is a really good worker there, maybe Im being too hard. We will chat with her later x
OP posts:
Original poster
velvet24 · 18/04/2022 14:17

@toomuchlaundry

I’m assuming you are having to fund her lifestyle. Tell her if not at college she needs to start funding somethings herself
No, has a job and earns well
OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 18/04/2022 14:19

If she enjoys her job is it worth her doing that full-time?

Peppapig7262662 · 18/04/2022 14:21

So she has a job, may be depressed and you want to push her further?

Stop the driving lessons, she's got years to learn.

Let her find her own way. Changing courses/jobs is par for the course.

Original poster
velvet24 · 18/04/2022 14:22

No she wanted to drive,she was going on about it !!

OP posts:
Original poster
velvet24 · 18/04/2022 14:23

@toomuchlaundry

If she enjoys her job is it worth her doing that full-time?
Doesnt want to
OP posts:
user1487194234 · 18/04/2022 14:49

Support her decisions ,but let her make them
Leave the driving for now

Andacherryonthetop · 18/04/2022 14:59

So right now, she’s 17, she’s in college (although wanting to give up), working 3 days a week and learning to drive? That is a lot OP, no wonder she feels like she can’t continue with it all. She has applied for an apprenticeship so she clearly isn’t being lazy and wanting to do nothing. I think you need to cut her some slack really.

Original poster
velvet24 · 18/04/2022 16:39

We had a chat and are leaving the driving for now, will come back to it.

OP posts:
MarshmallowSwede · 18/04/2022 16:59

Ok if she is working then that’s fine, but maybe discuss what her next steps are.

Does she want to study in the future? Go full time. Since she is working she’s not actually just doing nothing.

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