Can’t take anymore abuse

[Cocopogo]

I started a thread a couple of weeks ago about the possibility of DD going to boarding school and was mostly advised against it so I’ve parked that idea but I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. DD is so angry about 95% of the time. Almost all of our communication is her screaming at me. For example, I arrived home from work tonight, she snatches the car key from me, goes and gets her phone from my car (confiscated) throws my car keys against the lounge wall and runs upstairs. I ask for the phone and she goes mental. Shuts herself in the room I have to bide my time and then make a grab and run. She proceeds to open and slam the door over and over. Screaming and shouting about how much she hates me etc.

Why did people advise you against boarding school? They aren’t raising your daughter.
The majority of mumsnetters don’t have a great deal of experience with boarding school, or indeed with teenagers.

I have ample experience of both boarding schools and teenagers, and I would strongly advise against sending a child away to school under these circumstances.

Boarding schools do the least damage to older teenagers who are confident, secure in their family relationships and stable in themselves. They are not an appropriate fix for vulnerable angry, insecure children or dysfunctional family relationships.

She needs therapy - preferably family therapy - to address the root causes of her anger and to learn healthy strategies for regulating and expressing it. NHS mental health provision for adolescents is unfit for purpose at the moment - but if you can afford boarding school, you can afford to pay for private care.

Most people don’t seem to think it’ll help and view it as a punishment. I’m not trying to punish her I just don’t know what else to do

How old is she? Teenage girls are the devil and usually come out the other side in their late teens/ 20s and ring you constantly to ask you some random questions about washing machines or to tell you how they cooked their own tea

I haven't read your other threads.
Possible Options:

• family therapy?
• Social workers?
• CAMHS?
• doctor (hormonal issue??)
• pick your battles, don't remove phone
• send to live with her Dad or other family member

How old is your daughter, Cocopogo ? I vaguely remember your previous thread but not your daughter's age, sorry. I am guessing 13 or 14.

She sounds like she's angry at you about something. Have you been giving her enough time to talk to you?

A friends niece was similar and it turned out she had been sexually abused by someone at school. I'm not saying that's what's going on with your daughter. But I'd sit down calmly and talk to her. Even if it means trying again and again. Don't give up on her.

I totally understand why you feel boarding school is the answer as I have been where you are, with physical violence on top. But sending her to school will not solve the problem. There is something going on which you need to find out about. Teens are difficult but if it is beyond that then there is probably something going on in her life and she is angry because she cannot express it in any other way.
We were told by a counsellor that anger is often a teens way of showing fear. I really don’t know, all I do know is that life was unbearable, and when people said it will get better I didn’t believe them- but it has. It’s not perfect and I worry the volatility will return but we all get on again and I feel we have turned a massive corner.
Get help: drs, school, if you can afford it a CBT counsellor. I had to look at my own parenting. I was shouting a lot because I couldn’t believe the behaviour, but it helped no one. Boarding school I don’t think is the answer but something needs to change in the family dynamic. So sorry for you as I know how absolutely horrendous it is.

She’s 13

Late teens/20s just the thought of getting through the weekend is hard enough.
CAMHS are assessing but it’s been 6 months already without much progress.
She’s angry about school, some boy called her fat and she makes such a drama out of it and every smaller thing. I try to listen but it’s all so negative and so much emotion. She makes lots of false accusations too and goes nuclear if there’s any hint of criticism or accusation her way.

To be honest she sounds like a normal teenage girl who's having a hard time so hopefully it isn't anything deeper than that. My sister was like this when a teenager, she would kick off at anything being said to her, if silly things like the DVD player didnt work she would hit the roof, she was always picked on by everyone else on the family apparently and could never ever be told she was wrong. The whole family had to tip toe around her for years because we didn't want another meltdown. However in school and around other people she was lovely. Everything my parents did for her was wrong and she would shout and scream over everything. Now she's in her 20s and she has apologised over and over to us all and is the most wonderful loving person now. There is light OP, it's hopefully just a phase and I know I said late teens/20s some grow out of it a lot earlier

She sounds like she is in a lot of pain. How much time do you spend 1 on 1 with her? Like shopping trip, or girly lunch out?

There’s something obviously underlying the anger, most likely deep sadness. Have there been any losses in the family? Grandparents etc? Is she being bullied at school, by other kids or teachers? You need to get to the bottom of the issue and help her resolve it. Pushing her away to boarding school is the exact opposite of what she needs right now. It’s a cliche but you need to be her safe harbour in the storm she’s going through right now.

My parents used to threaten to send me away, in the end they did. I boarded for two years, ran away three times.

Just saying, not for sympathy but to show I know a little about this sort of issue.

OP
I’m really sorry to hear you are both going through this. It sounds horrendous. I’m going against the grain here but I think boarding school could be a good option. The pastoral care, opportunities for outdoor activities, being able to focus on school work. I think it could be great.
Contrary to what others think, it’s not about sending about your child away for someone else to deal with as a punishment. It’s about both mother and daughter being in a pretty toxic situation and the cycle needing to be broken.

OP I think it would give you the breathing space to really work on your relationship and show her how much she means to her family etc. You can be in contact everyday, send letters, care packages. Exeat weekends can be something to look forward to and plan something nice as a family.

What is important is that you look at these schools together, let her take the lead and do research herself. If she’s completely opposed, then no you can’t send her.

You are clearly a very loving mother and care very much for your daughter, I hope things improve soon

Shuts herself in the room I have to bide my time and then make a grab and run.

I'm not condoning her behaviour but I'm not sure what you were hoping to achieve here OP. This was going to be a sure-fire way to trigger an outburst of anger and frustration on top of the huge wave of hormones that puberty brings. Have you said to her that you are thinking of sending her to a boarding school? This would have been very hurtful and could be another source of recent outbursts.

My 12 year old daughter gets very defensive and frustrated (out of guilt) if we try to bring up any negative behaviour she has displayed. Which then results in her getting angry and being rude again restarting the cycle. She knows her behaviour is wrong, we don't need to tell her, so we just ask her (calmly) to go to her room and let her sit on it until she is ready to discuss it. If she refuses to go upstairs we just carry on as normal with her sat on the sofa (or wherever she cooses to plonk herself) with her slapped arse face.

would she want to join some sports activities? release some energy and anger there. and good for health.
leave the phone.
family theraphy would be good.

I wonder could she be neurodiverse. Google rejection sensitive dysphoria, sounds very much like what is going on with her. Especially her "over reaction" to being called fat.

I was a horrible teenage girl once. My anger and sadness stemmed from feeling ignored and like I didn’t matter (I was one of 4). I felt I had nowhere to turn and lashed out all the time. The more I was considered ‘difficult’ the more this became my identity.

I’m not saying this is how your dd feels but anger is actually usually just sadness with nowhere to go.

Give her permission to say what is hurting her, even at the expense of your feelings. My Dd is only small but I hope to foster a relationship with her where she can honestly tell me when I hurt her feelings (as I inevitably will at times). Give lots of opportunities for connection ❤️

Also hormones have so much to answer for. I was reminded of this after I had my baby, I felt like hormones hijacked me.

I hope you’re ok. Teenage girls are so complex. You are the best mother for her. Don’t give up x

A tip someone gave me about talking to teenagers when you need to address something important is to wait until they need a lift somewhere and you're already travelling. They need the favour, they can't run while the car is moving and you don't have to look each other in the eye. You have a captive audience.

You are going to have to learn to pick your battles... what are you taking her phone?
Why are you grabbing and running into her room?
I know they can be negative and tough to listen to.. but that all we have to do is listen, nod agree and agree that life can be tough sometimes, it's all part of growing up.
My son was awful at this age too, but I really learnt to just let it slide and take so many deep breaths and stay strong.
I found if I reacted badly he did and it just got worse.
I stopped trying to fix his problems and just listened.. I also agree with above poster that they do feel bad/guilty and don't need to be constantly reminded.

My example wasn’t really indicative of how bad things have got just the current drama.

Besides the boy calling her fat, what is she really angry about? 13 is a difficult age - she's not an adult, but not a little kid. Her hormones are all over the place. She has periods. What is home life like? Dad around? Siblings? Grandparents?

By taking away her mobile 'phone, you're not helping her. At that age, her friends are the only people she can relate to. Try a different punishment, if possible. Spent one-to-one time with her. She needs you.

I have booked next weekend away but I’m dreading it if she’s in this mood but hoping the change of scenery/reduced demands will help.
No idea why she’s so angry, she doesn’t know either. Periods def are playing a massive part however that doesn’t excuse the swearing and calling me horrible things, telling me every day that she hates me. Slightest thing that sounds like no and hitting the roof.
As a single parent I often spend 1-1 time with her, we go away just the 2 of us twice a year, we watch movies, bake, go for walks etc. So not sure what else I can do. She seems to really hate me. She steals my money (that’s why she lost her phone), she slams about the place and she’s vile with her mouth.

I'm sorry op :(.
Sounds so tough.
I can only empathise as my sister was that child and it completely blighted my life as a teen.
I was told every morning and night that she wished I was dead. For about 4 years.
My parents just didn't deal with her behaviour (which included a pg scare at 13) and she was allowed to abuse me for years. She's gone on to make some pretty poor life choices and I'm no longer prepared to tidy up after her.
No idea why shes like it. Same parents, same upbringing...
We have pretty much no relationship now.
I would have been so happy if they'd sent her to boarding school (or me for that matter!!)
Being abused by one's own family - especially children - seems such a taboo subject still.
You have the right to feel safe and happy in your own home:(

Does she ever have a normal conversation with you? Are you able to talk to her about why she is like that? Have you tracked it to her periods? What is she like if you have a friend in the house? Does she behave then?

My sister was nice as pie to everyone else!

Had there been mobile phones then I'd have recorded her rants and behaviour.

God, she was vile :(