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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Child at possible risk of harm

42 replies

mumofblu · 29/03/2022 16:34

I know if you start a relationship with someone you can check if they are a person who is considered a risk to children . But if your teenage daughter ( 14) is dating someone whose parent is possibly risky can you investigate in the same way ?

My dd is dating a boy in school that she tells me his dad supplements his low paid job with youngs working for him ( possibly county lines )

Bf is same age Same school
And has social work involvement .
They have been seeing each other since early December and he has told his son to stop seeing my DD and warned her to stay away but because they are in same school they meet everyday and bf comes over .

I've never met the dad who doesn't live with son but been told some horror stories .

Do I contact police or social care . Do I have a right to know . ?

Any advice please x

I've told her not to go to there house , keep phone on , call police if feels in danger . But bf is saying his dad is ok with them being together but I'm not sure I believe that .

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/03/2022 16:36

Social care for what? You're the parent, you can say if she is allowed to go to his house or not. What can social care tell you that you don't already think you know?

girlmom21 · 29/03/2022 16:40

My dd is dating a boy in school that she tells me his dad supplements his low paid job with youngs working for him ( possibly county lines )

Do you mean you think his dad is a drug dealer?

Any police search will only show you if he's got a criminal record. He'd be stupid to be dealing so obviously if he's already been caught.

Why is there social services involvement?

Why wouldn't his dad be ok with them being together?

Original poster
mumofblu · 29/03/2022 17:04

@CloseYourEyesAndSee . Sorry not helpful . Yes I'm her parent and she comes home but the bf is telling her it's ok for her to go to his house while his mum at work . Dad doesn't live there but visits often

I have no way of checking as the parents have blocked us because we told them
It wasn't ok for a grown man to put our dd in his car and threaten his son in front of her and call her names ( they sent their son to a relatives without a phone as punishment for something but his cousin got phone to him and he contacted our DD and we didn't know that he'd gone against his parents ) .

Dad doesn't want them together because of his Ds behaviour in general but his son is a bit besotted with our DD and I would rather know where she us than wandering the street .

School are aware . No idea shy SS are involved he hasn't told our DD

I'm just wondering as a parent of s girl if I have a right to know if the house of the boy she is visiting is safe

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/03/2022 17:06

You have the right to decide whether you want her there or not.
You don't have the right to know why social services are involved or what the man's criminal record might be.
It's not the same as Clare's law because she's a child and presumably under parental control.

Original poster
mumofblu · 29/03/2022 17:10

Ofc I've told her I don't want her in the house without adult present . But I'm not sure I want her there at all

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 29/03/2022 17:11

Tell her she's not allowed there then if you don't trust the boys parents

titchy · 29/03/2022 17:13

I don't understand why you're letting her go there in the first place? Or letting him come over to yours? Or why you didn't call the police when he put your dd in a car and threatened her?

ididntevennotice · 29/03/2022 17:14

@mumofblu

Ofc I've told her I don't want her in the house without adult present . But I'm not sure I want her there at all

Tell her that then. She is a child. Have her make alternative arrangements.

Original poster
mumofblu · 29/03/2022 17:15

She is under my and her dads eye . We were hoping that after his dads behaviour they would cool off but I've got a feeling he's going against his parents .
And his dads behaviour and language was disgusting .

I've told her not to go but bc has said it's ok ofc !

OP posts:
ididntevennotice · 29/03/2022 17:18

I've told her not to go but bc has said it's ok ofc !

She is 14. She doesn't get to decide.

CheekyMaw · 29/03/2022 17:20

Social work and police will not discuss another family's issues / dad's criminal record with you . That's illegal.
It is your responsibility to take measures to keep your child safe. Stop your daughter seeing this lad and his family !

Original poster
mumofblu · 29/03/2022 17:23

All these easier said

He walks to our house , says his parents ok with it the. They go out with a group of school friends or walk on her own .

His mum hasn't said to us he can't come anymore

I've told her that i consider seeing him is risky . Apart from him not listening to his parents he isn't in any other trouble that I know of . It's just his dad

OP posts:
ididntevennotice · 29/03/2022 17:25

@mumofblu

All these easier said

He walks to our house , says his parents ok with it the. They go out with a group of school friends or walk on her own .

His mum hasn't said to us he can't come anymore

I've told her that i consider seeing him is risky . Apart from him not listening to his parents he isn't in any other trouble that I know of . It's just his dad

It's not easier said at all. You make the rules. If she won't stuck by then then you take action. You don't just sit back and say 'easier said' and hope to find some dirt on the dad Hmm

Original poster
mumofblu · 29/03/2022 17:25

And yes I was talking about Clare's law

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/03/2022 17:27

@mumofblu

All these easier said

He walks to our house , says his parents ok with it the. They go out with a group of school friends or walk on her own .

His mum hasn't said to us he can't come anymore

I've told her that i consider seeing him is risky . Apart from him not listening to his parents he isn't in any other trouble that I know of . It's just his dad

What difference would it make if you knew this family's business? You're the parent.
Original poster
mumofblu · 29/03/2022 17:29

Guess none of you have a teenager in love then . Telling them to do as you say pushes her away . I have to play it smarter

Thanks anyway

OP posts:
ididntevennotice · 29/03/2022 17:33

@mumofblu

Guess none of you have a teenager in love then . Telling them to do as you say pushes her away . I have to play it smarter

Thanks anyway

Been through it more then once. You don't just let them do what they want.

Original poster
mumofblu · 29/03/2022 17:36

She was running away , now she comes home everyday on time so I'm doing something right !

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 29/03/2022 17:43

You are the parent and it's up to you. Police, social workers, mumsnet, his parents, him or your DD for that matter - don't have any say. Just tell her she can't see him.

ididntevennotice · 29/03/2022 17:43

@mumofblu

She was running away , now she comes home everyday on time so I'm doing something right !
It sounds like you have a lot to worry about. Justify g letting her go to a house where you think she isn't safe by saying she now comes home at night is seriously flawed.
Original poster
mumofblu · 29/03/2022 17:44

She doesn't go to his house , bf is saying she can but im trying to resolve my feelings of father

OP posts:
Cuddlemuffin · 29/03/2022 17:46

Have you tried sitting them both down and talking to them like 'adults'? I know they're not adult obviously but I wonder whether having a frank conversation about your concerns would be worthwhile. X

coldfeetmama · 29/03/2022 18:06

@Cuddlemuffin

Have you tried sitting them both down and talking to them like 'adults'? I know they're not adult obviously but I wonder whether having a frank conversation about your concerns would be worthwhile. X
Exactly this

Maybe invite the mum , sit both children down and tell them this stops now

I have had 4 of the buggers and I promise it does get better but you are the adult - don't forget that

ididntevennotice · 29/03/2022 18:32

@mumofblu

She doesn't go to his house , bf is saying she can but im trying to resolve my feelings of father

I don't really understand the need to 'resolve' anything to do with him. It doesn't matter that her boyfriend says she can go to his house. You tell her she can't.

CheekyMaw · 29/03/2022 18:46

You are letting them both wall over you . If you don't want her to see this lad or go to his house ,then tell her . If she goes against your wishes , ground her . Frankly ,I wouldn't let her near that family after the dad did what he did re car . Your daughter is a child and before you say, yes I have grown up children and a teenager. They need to have firm boundaries . 14 is far too young for serious relationships away.