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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Child at possible risk of harm

42 replies

mumofblu · 29/03/2022 16:34

I know if you start a relationship with someone you can check if they are a person who is considered a risk to children . But if your teenage daughter ( 14) is dating someone whose parent is possibly risky can you investigate in the same way ?

My dd is dating a boy in school that she tells me his dad supplements his low paid job with youngs working for him ( possibly county lines )

Bf is same age Same school
And has social work involvement .
They have been seeing each other since early December and he has told his son to stop seeing my DD and warned her to stay away but because they are in same school they meet everyday and bf comes over .

I've never met the dad who doesn't live with son but been told some horror stories .

Do I contact police or social care . Do I have a right to know . ?

Any advice please x

I've told her not to go to there house , keep phone on , call police if feels in danger . But bf is saying his dad is ok with them being together but I'm not sure I believe that .

OP posts:

CheekyMaw · 29/03/2022 18:50

*walk

wishmyhousetidy · 29/03/2022 19:25

@CheekyMaw

You are letting them both wall over you . If you don't want her to see this lad or go to his house ,then tell her . If she goes against your wishes , ground her . Frankly ,I wouldn't let her near that family after the dad did what he did re car . Your daughter is a child and before you say, yes I have grown up children and a teenager. They need to have firm boundaries . 14 is far too young for serious relationships away.

How lucky that your children do exactly what you want the, to. You tell them they can’t go out with someone and they accept it just like that. Many teenagers don’t. You can set boundaries, you can say you can’t date him, you can tell them they can’t smoke, you can stop their pocket money- and yet they still push and push boundaries. So many parents on this site are very lucky. I think the op is being told by so many posters that she just needs to parent and yet some teens will do exactly the opposite that you tell them because they are teens. I think the poster that said sit down with them and tell them your concerns is the right way to parent many teens..

Original poster

mumofblu · 29/03/2022 20:50

1 year ago she was a completely different child just a sign that I didn't agree and she was by my side . In this last year I've had to totally re evaluate how I parent her because it wasn't working for any of us . It was like a war zone with her running away , harming herself and deeply unhappy .

Now she is trustworthy , following boundaries and happy .

She is very into this bf and he's the same with her . My concern is his family and especially his dad . Obv they want to see each other and his dad trying to stop his son has just made him go behind his back . Before his parents blocked me they were always asking if he was at ours because he was disobey his parents . And if not at ours he was with his mate and my Dd there too .

So hard parenting doesn't work with all teenagers .

I'm just asking if there us a way to find out if another child's family is risky . I think I have my answer now and they won't be spending time together at his house with my approval and yes I'm going to talk with both of them .

Thanks

OP posts:

Luna42 · 29/03/2022 23:22

You can ask Children's Services for information. They may say no, but if they are involved in his life they may want to know about your daughter and him as this is part of assessing his wellbeing and safety. If they know of any risks in this family they will have a duty to tell you if visiting puts her at risk. They might not give you details but just an indication. However if you speak to them be aware it won't be kept secret, his social worker will have to make a record of your enquiry and this could be discussed with him and his parents.
Maybe it's better to encourage them to meet at yours, and talk to them. Be open and friendly with him, see if you can form a connection with his mum too. You might find out more about the family, the father sounds risky to me but the son and mother know this and this could be why they have support from social services.

Whatinthelord · 29/03/2022 23:37

You could do a Sarah’s law application however that would only identify if he posed risk specificity to children, rather than general risk from him.

I agree that social care are unlikely to share the families info with you. However if you think you have information this man in engaging in county lines/child exploitation you should obviously share this with police.

Given the father doesn’t want them seeing each other, is it likely he will be in the same place as your daughter? I’m not clear what risk you think is posed? You think he might exploit her?

Original poster

mumofblu · 30/03/2022 13:56

Thank you @Luna42
Your answer made me realise that because I have made school aware they are in a relationship and he comes to our house they would probably have let me know if there was a risk to my DD and will have let SS know as my DD had said SS and school staff have met at the house .so I think that's enough . Yes he comes to our house and he is quite friendly and relaxed with me . School asked how his behaviour was at our home but he's no problem , likes to cook and polite .

@Whatinthelord . The boy veers between hating and admiring his dad . There's certainly a lot of money spent on boy and only info I have is hearsay . Thanks

OP posts:

Rollergirl11 · 30/03/2022 15:35

I don’t really understand what difference knowing something specific about the Dad is going to make to anything? Given that you say your DD won’t accept you telling her that she’s not allowed to see the boy?

ididntevennotice · 30/03/2022 15:41

@mumofblu

Thank you *@Luna42* Your answer made me realise that because I have made school aware they are in a relationship and he comes to our house they would probably have let me know if there was a risk to my DD and will have let SS know as my DD had said SS and school staff have met at the house .so I think that's enough . Yes he comes to our house and he is quite friendly and relaxed with me . School asked how his behaviour was at our home but he's no problem , likes to cook and polite .

@Whatinthelord . The boy veers between hating and admiring his dad . There's certainly a lot of money spent on boy and only info I have is hearsay . Thanks

School have not asked how another pupil behaves in your house.

Original poster

mumofblu · 30/03/2022 16:38

Yes school did

OP posts:

ididntevennotice · 30/03/2022 17:14

School have absolutely no right to discuss another pupil with you. Do they get involved with all the pupil relationships?

Original poster

mumofblu · 30/03/2022 17:18

My Dd had had some health issues and in a school meeting they asked if I knew she had a bf I said yes I had met him and they asked how I found him ( in the house ) I said fine , they said he was probably being in his best behaviour because he regularly trashed classrooms . So although they shouldn't have shared that with me they did .

OP posts:

Original poster

mumofblu · 30/03/2022 17:21

They are involved at my request after my DD told other pupils she was going to harm herself , school were providing mh support to my Dd .

OP posts:

ididntevennotice · 30/03/2022 18:37

@mumofblu

They are absolutely not allowed to tell you this information. I would be hugely concerned at the lack of basic boundaries by school there never mind the boys family. What on earth are they thinking?

ididntevennotice · 30/03/2022 18:38

@mumofblu

They are involved at my request after my DD told other pupils she was going to harm herself , school were providing mh support to my Dd .

That's fine but given your update about school I would be very cautious. What if they go sharing private information about your child to other parents?

JamesStevenson · 01/04/2022 14:53

Tough situation. DD dating someone for 4 months who she really likes at that age, and the father clearly being seriously dodgy. It seems certain to me without any further checks that there is no smoke without fire here. He is not a good influence and is currently a risk. I'd certainly feel worried about my daughter in this situation and afraid of what could happen. I think my first action would be to completely eliminate any chance of her seeing him again.

What you told her is good I think... not to go to there, keep phone on, call police if feel in danger.

The relationship with her bf is the bit I would handle more delicately I think because there is a while group of friends and the reality of her having to go to school each day. There a great book for young people exploring relationships for the first time called "the way of youth: Buddhist common sense for handling life's problems". www.amazon.co.uk/Way-Youth-Buddhist-Handling-Questions/dp/0967469708?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

This could be helpful I think. There's lots of good stuff about teenage relationships in there.

I really feel how challenging this is and how much you want to respect her and protect her at the same time. Best wishes!

Original poster

mumofblu · 01/04/2022 19:58

@JamesStevenson
Thankyou for getting it . I will look at the book . The boy is not my problem , trying to guide her to understand risk while not alienating her is my wish .

They are like a version of Romeo and Juliet , besotted with each other and feeling it's them against the world and I'm constantly trying to make sure I'm in with them . Don't feel I'm a mum that wants to be a friend Because I'm definitely mum with boundaries .

OP posts:

Original poster

mumofblu · 07/04/2022 18:30

Update
Mash referral made and support is being offered from family services to look at healthy relationships

OP posts:

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