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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Was I too rigid?

39 replies

scattercushion · 03/03/2022 23:58

Dd aged 15 likes to take a very long time showering etc so we have set a rule of no showers after 10pm because she wouldn’t go to sleep until far too late on a school night. At 10.20 she wanted a shower, I said no, have one in the morning. She argued. I said I would wake her at 6.45 so she had time. She was very angry but agreed. It’s now nearly midnight and she is still awake. (To prove a point?) she will be very tired tomorrow and difficult to wake. She has mock exams at the moment. Should I have let her shower at 10.20?

OP posts:
Worriedmrs · 04/03/2022 06:51

Honestly, there is no winning with teenagers. Whatever is done is done. Teenagers are more likely to follow the rules if they know it is for short period of time. May be say that she needs to shower by 9 and sleep by X time but only during the mocks. Once that is over then she can follow her normal routine.
That way she understands that you are not taking away her decisions but asking her to compromise for something important.

ItsAlwaysThere · 04/03/2022 06:58

I always think 'would I be happy if someone said I can't do this, does it seem fair'. Then take it from there.

But, your rules and all that.

LondonWolf · 04/03/2022 07:03

Yes you should have. My dd showers every night before bed. She literally cannot sleep if she feels unwashed or her hair feels greasy, and tells me she even have dreams about it that wake her up. I'd tell her she needs to shower at a reasonable time from now on though.

collieresponder88 · 04/03/2022 07:05

Pick your battles !

ouch12345 · 04/03/2022 07:06

I don't think you're being unfair. You set a rule to have no showers after 10pm, 10pm is a late time to have a shower normally anyway. She chose to not have a shower. You can't give in every time. She will just have to be a bit tired in the morning and learn from it.

Bagelsandbrie · 04/03/2022 07:41

We have a no showers after 9pm rule as that’s when our youngest goes to sleep and he has autism so wakes up if he hears noises upstairs. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect people to shower either before then or in the morning so I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. Teenagers think everyone and everything is unreasonable, it’s their job.

Beamur · 04/03/2022 07:44

I think you could have waived the rule on this occasion. For the sake of 20 minutes you've had a row instead.

hesbeen2021 · 04/03/2022 07:51

No you haven't been too rigid
You made the rule, she broke it, there was a consequence.

A friend used to have a (self absorbed ) DS who would take showers until the hot water ran out. She managed to put something on the shower so that it stopped after 10 minutes, not sure what it was but did the trick

ouch44 · 04/03/2022 08:04

hesbeen2021 We need that shower timer! My teens can be in the shower for over 20 minutes!

My DC regularly have a shower that late. It has got better since we try to remind them to shower after tea. But yes pick your battles. My 15 yo is being assessed to death this year, he is also doing mocks this week (2nd set of 3!!). We are trying to hold off on the nagging in general so we don't add to the stress

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 04/03/2022 08:12

We have a not after 9 pm rule. Dd has thrown strops initially but knew I meant it so doesn't now.
And showers pre 9 pm.
Yanbu op.

Original poster
scattercushion · 04/03/2022 08:49

Hooray glad the general consensus was with me. She managed to get up at 6.45, had shower, I dried her hair as a bonding/reconnecting thing. She made herself an omelette for breakfast (unheard of normally) and went to school tired but upbeat.

OP posts:
BuyDirt · 04/03/2022 08:56

I think that as she knew the rule she should have showered earlier. But I think the rule is really silly for a 15 year old. My teens shower decide what time they shower and go to bed.

Ohyesiam · 04/03/2022 08:59

It’s hard with teens, partly they don’t want us to get it right all the time !

I’ve always tried to be flexible unless it’s serious ( drugs, dodgy friends) or it leads to long term problems, like going to bed later and later and becoming progressively more tired and grumpy.
I think- rightly or wrongly- that one of situations like you are describing its ok for her to be really tired for a day, because she probably won’t enjoy it and might be more likely to get her self organised for a shower earlier/ listen to sense.

But talk to her about it at a calm time. Say you think you might have judged it wrong, get her input about what she thinks would work. Sometimes they rise to being treated like an adult and sometimes they don’t🤷‍♀️.

BuyDirt · 04/03/2022 09:00

Hooray glad the general consensus was with me.

It wasn’t though. Confused

lateral · 04/03/2022 09:02

Hooray glad the general consensus was with me.

Are you reading the same thread?

ikeepseeingit · 04/03/2022 09:05

I don’t think I would have made my teenager wake up at that time tbh. She sounds like a good kid though so I’m glad there wasn’t any resentment from her. It might be worth it to set her a shower alarm on her phone? She might be struggling to tell much difference between 9 and 11pm due to teenagers having later circadian rhythm’s. She probably doesn’t get tired until at least 12/1am whereas we’re all shattered by 10/11.

cantbecoping · 04/03/2022 09:07

WAY too rigid.

On her phone after 11 ..No.
Watching TV in her room after 11 ..No
Washing herself at 10.20 and then going to bed? Absolutely. Ridiculous rule for starters and even more ridiculous for you saying no to her being 20 mins over your ridiculous allotted time slot to wash her body.
Christ pick your battles.

LondonWolf · 04/03/2022 09:08

Hooray glad the general consensus was with me

Eh? Hmm

MermaidEyes · 04/03/2022 09:12

We have a no showers after 9ish rule as the only shower is in our en-suite so isn't always practical after that time. However, regarding bedtime, she's 15. She's old enough to set her own bedtime and realise if she's tired in the morning it's her own fault, mock exams or not.

Original poster
scattercushion · 04/03/2022 10:18

Oh okay maybe not a consensus but some people agreed. I take the others’ points though. Pick your battles etc. Never mind DD I’m knackered today.

OP posts:
Playplayaway · 04/03/2022 10:35

This is a battle I wouldn't bother with. At age 15 they should have some flexibility around bedtimes etc, as long as it doesn't impact on the rest of the household. My dd16 generally showers around 10pm but sometimes loses track of time and has been known to shower at 11.30pm on a school night. The shower is on a different floor to the bedrooms so doesn't disturb the rest of us. She seems to cope well with late nights and makes up her sleep at weekends.

School will be advising them about getting enough sleep around exam time. Ours send the students regular emails with tips on revision, sleep etc and they sent a good evening routine that I printed out and stuck on the fridge so maybe look for something like that. Parents 'nagging' can just become white noise but something visual that she can read while waiting for the kettle etc might have a better impact.

mykitchenruler · 04/03/2022 11:55

When I was a teen we had this rule because it was a very small house and did disturb others. But in our house now we have a shower downstairs so there is no reason for any such rule.
One of the early posters talked about considering whether you'd be happy if the situation was reversed and that's a helpful strategy with teens - choose your battles and consider whether there a genuine need for the rule (safety, sleep, expense, impact on others etc). If not, the rule is unnecessary and controlling for the sake of it. We need to support teens becoming more independent and able to have agency over their own decisions.

urrrgh46 · 04/03/2022 12:36

I think you need to take a step back on her bedtime and how tired she is. She's 15! The natural consequence of a late shower may have been being extra tired this morning. It may not have been. But given she's probably yr 10/11 I REALLY think she has enough on her plate with school to not being having to negotiate when she chooses to have a shower. If the shower was going to keep you awake or unreasonably disturb someone else I think it's reasonable to request no showers after a certain time but otherwise this is WAY ott. (Speaking as a Mum of 9 21yrs to 16 months with all still living at home).

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/03/2022 13:06

My dd frequently falls asleep then wakes up and has a shower at 2.00am and goes back to sleep🤷🏼‍♀️

I’ve given up policing it. She does her work and gets up for school.

She keeps going on about how in ages past, people had 2 sleeps in a night (which they did) and that’s what’s she’s doing….Grin

user1487194234 · 04/03/2022 16:40

At 15 I would let them make their own decisions about showering
Pick your battles !

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