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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I Poured coffee over DC laptop

57 replies

Cocopogo · 03/03/2022 23:52

I lost the plot. DC 16 is lazy and selfish, they were fussing and deliberately knocked my coffee and spilt it when I was trying to sort out their laptop. I just picked it up and poured it on the laptop, no idea why I did it, I shocked myself. DC went crazy, shouting and crying, and threw my cup against wall, staining it etc. Laptop is broke. It’s such a mess, no idea how we got here, we used to have a great relationship.

OP posts:
Movingonup22 · 05/03/2022 21:31

@DrWankincense - that’s my pint exactly - why is a teenagers behaviour unacceptable/not understandable when the exact same (or worse) behaviour is totally fine from a parent? Teenagers are learning to regulate their emotions- adults should be able to do that already.

In the OPs post she seems to be annoyed that her child
Smashed a mug and stained the wall - she’s just destroyed her child’s laptop!

thunderandsunshine01 · 05/03/2022 21:33

@Movingonup22 you’ve actually tried to suggest that this is abuse, that the OP is violently abusing her DC. The only logical explanation I can come up with for such an extreme accusation from your part is that you are so far into the frilly parenting style that you cannot possibly fathom a mother acting upon their own emotions, rather than that of their bratty almost adult aged child?

Somuddled · 05/03/2022 21:34

This thread is mad. You behaved terribly. If you did this to a partner, colleague, housemate or sibling people would be telling you off.

These are the kind of moments people remember from thier childhood. You have some serious making up and self reflection to do OP.

Somuddled · 05/03/2022 21:35

Also if they knocked over your coffee how was there anything left to pour over the laptop?

Movingonup22 · 05/03/2022 21:40

@thunderandsunshine01 - so spilling a cup of coffee is bratty but pouring coffee onto a laptop and destroying it is acceptable behaviour?

They are both unacceptable behaviours. But destroying the laptop by the person in the parental
and responsible role is worse.

You think that there was no other way that a responsibile and effective parent could respond to their child’s behavior than doing something worse?

Tee20x · 05/03/2022 21:40

I think your reaction pouring it over the laptop was awful & you should apologise. Also a bit of cutting your nose off to spite your face because presumably you aid for the laptop so destroyed something you bought and are now having to replace anyway?

You should be able to regulate your behaviour better than this. Shouting etc is one thing but deliberately destroying their property is another.

Somuddled · 05/03/2022 21:41

[quote Movingonup22]@DrWankincense - that’s my pint exactly - why is a teenagers behaviour unacceptable/not understandable when the exact same (or worse) behaviour is totally fine from a parent? Teenagers are learning to regulate their emotions- adults should be able to do that already.

In the OPs post she seems to be annoyed that her child
Smashed a mug and stained the wall - she’s just destroyed her child’s laptop![/quote]
Exactly!! It is such a vindictive reaction from a fully grown adult. If they were at the end ofnthier tether, they could have just refused to help further or walked away.

RoyKentsChestHair · 05/03/2022 21:46

As someone who has recently split up with a much loved partner because he would break stuff in anger, I have to say this is shitty behaviour. Of course we all get angry, but when that anger turns to physical rage then you’ve lost the moral high ground and it’s no longer a punishment for their behaviour, but a sign that you’ve overstepped and need to apologise and make it right. If anyone broke my laptop for any reason I would be fucking livid and would expect a replacement and a big apology, whether it was my partner, my mum or a stranger.

Be the adult here and work out a better way to deal with your anger please.

WonderfulYou · 05/03/2022 21:51

You need to buy a new one and apologise.
Violence is not acceptable.

I agree.

Your behaviour was awful.
Your DC will now think it’s acceptable to break their wife or husband’s items as punishment for something they don’t like.

Obviously pay for a new one but please tell them you’re going to get help for your behaviour as it was completely unacceptable - this will show them that if they’re ever violent towards their partner they’ll get help ASAP.

thunderandsunshine01 · 05/03/2022 21:59

@Movingonup22 not once have I suggested that I thought this was the ideal solution on OP’s part. I’ve merely sympathised with the OP (who is clearly upset enough about how she reacted to post in the first place) that we all lose our tempers from time to time and do not handle everything perfectly every single time. I do agree with some other PPs that it will do her DC good to understand that we are all human, provided this kind of reaction is a fairly isolated incident.

Did your mother teach you to knock someone when they are down? Or if you don’t have anything nice (or at the very least constructive) to say then don’t say it at all? I really think you need to step down from your high horse, and hope that these are not traits your own DC have inherited before you start investing so much time into critiquing other people’s parenting…

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 05/03/2022 22:16

Absolutely awful behaviour from you OP. Your DC is a teenager and they can be idiotic, you should know better. You have anger issues.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 05/03/2022 22:18

[quote Movingonup22]@thunderandsunshine01 - so spilling a cup of coffee is bratty but pouring coffee onto a laptop and destroying it is acceptable behaviour?

They are both unacceptable behaviours. But destroying the laptop by the person in the parental
and responsible role is worse.

You think that there was no other way that a responsibile and effective parent could respond to their child’s behavior than doing something worse?[/quote]
Spot on, Im surprised at reading comments here from PP saying what OP has done is understandable and dismissing it !! Ridiculous

daisyjgrey · 05/03/2022 22:26

It's shit behaviour from both of you.

They acted badly and you one upped them with something worse and then are surprised when they retaliate.

You're the adult. You consciously made the choice to break things in a temper as retaliation. I'd be really disappointed in myself.

RedskyThisNight · 05/03/2022 22:32

Did your mother teach you to knock someone when they are down? Or if you don’t have anything nice (or at the very least constructive) to say then don’t say it at all?

Actually my mother behaved a lot like OP did. She lost her temper and destroyed things. I very much wish someone had told her that this was unacceptable and not tiptoed round it or blamed it on her children's behaviour.

WonderfulYou · 06/03/2022 09:49

we all lose our tempers from time to time and do not handle everything perfectly every single time.

That’s what men say who abuse their wives - they pushed them to it, they didn’t mean it, they’re only human etc.
The reason many men grow up like this is because they have a parent who does the same.

I don’t believe you would be as sympathetic if OP said her husband had just done the same.

We’ve all lost our tempers but I personally have never done anything like this.
If you have then I suggest you get some help too.

thunderandsunshine01 · 06/03/2022 22:29

Like I said before, the two are not comparable IMO. Anyway I have said all I need to say on the subject as clearly the opinions on this thread vary massively and I can’t spend much more energy on it. Wishing OP the best and hoping she’s not taken any comments from some posters to heart

Cleanbedlinen12 · 06/03/2022 22:58

Wow, so many opinions. As someone that can lose the plot, I’ve learnt to take a breath before reacting and think what I want the outcome to be. Very challenging to do!
In my humble, you sit disown and tell them just why you reacted like that, and ask them to say why they did what they did. All without opinions, blaming or anyone getting defensive or cross. just nodding heads so everyone feels heard. I think it’s important that they learn that actually they do affect the people around them with their behaviour. I think it’s also cool to say let’s say sorry to each other. I think if you are the only one apologising, it may come across as giving the license to do it again. You can buy a laptop, on condition that they behave. Or you’ll put it in the blender. ( or something,. With mine I find exaggerating stuff till it becomes funny helps diffuse tense situations.) it’s not easy at all, and you have my sympathies.
Good luck! Also if they are continually really nasty see a counsellor 💐

Chasingaftermidnight · 07/03/2022 07:35

I think OP realises her behaviour wasn’t acceptable. She says she lost the plot. Has no idea why she did it. And that it’s a mess and she has no idea how they’ve ended up here.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 07/03/2022 19:05

I have learned here on MN that "X made me do it" is never an excuse.
No it seems it is never an excuse when done by others?

Cleanbedlinen12 · 07/03/2022 21:53

chasingaftermidnight I know, poor op. It is so difficult managing all the emotions in a house and they all seem to get dumped on you. Very very hard to be able to not let it get to you. Counselling would definitely help you see the patterns of behaviour so that you can react differently op. Just one little change will have a knock on effect. Good luck

whysoserious123 · 07/03/2022 21:59

Op even said she shocked herself, she doesn't actually do things like this she admits she lost the plot, how can anyone blame her when her 16 year old is acting horrid. Best course of action here is for the 16 year old to do chores around the home until this 16 year old pays their mother back for the laptop. It's not acceptable for. 16 year old to behave this way without consequence

Cleanbedlinen12 · 07/03/2022 22:10

Good idea!

whataboutbob · 07/03/2022 22:21

You have my sympathies. Living with a teenager it’s as if everything you shared and achieved and believed just suddenly flies out of the window and they become a near stranger. I’m certainly not going to cast the first stone here.

Lampface · 08/03/2022 06:35

@whysoserious123

Op even said she shocked herself, she doesn't actually do things like this she admits she lost the plot, how can anyone blame her when her 16 year old is acting horrid. Best course of action here is for the 16 year old to do chores around the home until this 16 year old pays their mother back for the laptop. It's not acceptable for. 16 year old to behave this way without consequence
Eh?! The mum broke the laptop so the child should pay her back?? This site is bizarre.
girlmom21 · 08/03/2022 06:49

@whysoserious123

Op even said she shocked herself, she doesn't actually do things like this she admits she lost the plot, how can anyone blame her when her 16 year old is acting horrid. Best course of action here is for the 16 year old to do chores around the home until this 16 year old pays their mother back for the laptop. It's not acceptable for. 16 year old to behave this way without consequence
Why does the 16 year old need to pay for the laptop the mother broke?

The mother pays for the laptop, the daughter pays for the mug. Sounds fair.