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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How do you handle inconsiderate, selfish teenagers?

38 replies

Claymorekick · 03/03/2022 22:41

DC1 is 15 and rarely thinks about anyone or anything else other than their own needs. I am usually tolerant of this as it is low level stuff without much impact on others.

However today, we had made arrangements for me to pick him up from an after school activity - he definitely knew that was the plan. I arrived at the venue - took 30 minutes as it was rush hour - and he messaged me asking to pick him up from school (5 minutes from our house) as he had got on the minibus and it had set off without giving me a second thought.

So basically I did an unnecessary 60 min round trip. I was very annoyed and told him in no uncertain terms about how angry I was, how inconsiderate he was etc. I did proper lose my shit at him Confused he just said he hadn't done anything wrong and he 'forgot'. I know he didn't forget as we discussed the plans several times this morning.

He has spent all evening in his bedroom, hasn't apologised as he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. So we are now in a stand off and not sure where to go with it Blush but I do want him to appreciate how his lack of thought impacts others and he is obviously old enough to understand this. But if he is refusing to accept his own actions, what do I do?

OP posts:
MakeUsACuppa · 03/03/2022 22:45

God, give me a toddler over a teenager any day - at least you can get them in the bath and bed by 7!

No advice, just sympathies Thanks

Nikki360 · 03/03/2022 22:49

I have been through the teenage years twice and my youngest turns 13 this year 🙈 they disappear for a few years and it's really hard and yes they are selfish and horrible at times but they come back and it's all ok. Pick your battles xx

Nikki360 · 03/03/2022 22:49

@MakeUsACuppa

God, give me a toddler over a teenager any day - at least you can get them in the bath and bed by 7!

No advice, just sympathies Thanks

Yes I agree !
Original poster
Claymorekick · 03/03/2022 22:50

Thanks - at least with toddlers you get snuggles and cuddles to balance out the crap stuff Wink

OP posts:
Cuddlemuffin · 03/03/2022 22:52

I think treat him the same as a toddler. Stay calm, don't rise to the bait, try and talk it out. He won't listen to shouting, no one ever does. You both need to be calm to resolve this x

MariE010 · 03/03/2022 22:58

I am here to sympathise with you. I can't give any advice but just some comfort that you're not alone. I am going through exactly the same right now with my son who is 14, 15 soon. He's in the wrong this week and does not see what he has done wrong at all and is acting like he doesn't even care. Currently in the standoff mode too. It hurts... I am beating myself up as I feel like I've gone wrong as a parent somewhere!
Any help would be good. And totally agree with everyone... give me a toddler any day! Lol. Xxx

Quitelikeit · 03/03/2022 22:58

Treat them as giant toddlers. Pick your battles. Teens are rude, selfish, thoughtless, mean, cheeky and a whole host of other things.

However it is true that they come out of the other side!!! I should add not all are like this (according to MN)

Bonheurdupasse · 03/03/2022 22:59

Consequences.
It's the only way.
E.g. no more lifts for x time

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 03/03/2022 23:02

@Bonheurdupasse

Consequences. It's the only way. E.g. no more lifts for x time
This. I wouldn't be picking him up anymore, from either this venue or school.
Original poster
Claymorekick · 03/03/2022 23:17

@MariE010

I am here to sympathise with you. I can't give any advice but just some comfort that you're not alone. I am going through exactly the same right now with my son who is 14, 15 soon. He's in the wrong this week and does not see what he has done wrong at all and is acting like he doesn't even care. Currently in the standoff mode too. It hurts... I am beating myself up as I feel like I've gone wrong as a parent somewhere! Any help would be good. And totally agree with everyone... give me a toddler any day! Lol. Xxx
It is so hard isn't it? Not sure how to get out of the standoff tbh - I just want him to apologise but I suspect that is never going to happen! So what do I do in the morning??
OP posts:
Original poster
Claymorekick · 03/03/2022 23:20

@Bonheurdupasse

Consequences. It's the only way. E.g. no more lifts for x time
I know that is what I should do but he is in the middle of his mocks atm so the aim was to try and make his life easier for the next couple of weeks - failed at that Hmm

Just said to DH is it really petty if I make arrangements to pick him up from school on Monday (which is the only day I do) then 'forget' Grin I know it is petty but sooooo tempting!

OP posts:
Squishmael · 03/03/2022 23:23

I would arrange for him to text you if he needs a lift home. That way if he doesn't text to ask, he doesn't get a lift and you don't waste your time.

cherryonthecakes · 03/03/2022 23:23

I hope that you didn't pick him up from 5 minutes away from the house. He could have walked and beat you home.

TheUsualChaos · 03/03/2022 23:25

I expect he did forget but like you said it's lack of thought for you that's the issue. Agree with above, consequences are the way to deal with this. Tell him if it happens again he will have to get himself home in future.

In the morning I would give him the cold shoulder. Do the bate minimum for him. Make he realise he has really pushed his luck this time.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 03/03/2022 23:26

Ugh it's so frustrating. I have two 13 year olds, and while they are quite young for their age they are starting to edge into this territory...and I hate it.

I think the only way you can get him to understand is to basically do the same back to him. Make him wait for a lift home, or just wait until he contacts you because you're not there and sort of verbally shrug and tell him you forgot and he can just get himself home (if possible of course!).

I genuinely don't think this is something they can understand until they a) get older and b) have been on the receiving end of something like this. I know I was a horrible little cow at that age and never thought about a single person other than myself.

duckme · 03/03/2022 23:30

@MakeUsACuppa

God, give me a toddler over a teenager any day - at least you can get them in the bath and bed by 7!

No advice, just sympathies Thanks

I say this at least twice a day! People warn you about the sleepless nights and exhaustion of the newborn stage, but I'd do that on loop over dealing with the teenage years. I have no words of wisdom or advice for you, it's brutal and draining. But you have my sympathies. I also want to thank you for letting me know that it's not just my teenager who is hard bloody work.
Pumpkintopf · 03/03/2022 23:31

He did forget, he wasn't thinking about you. Yes he should apologise but right now given he's in the middle of mocks and you were trying to make life easier, you need to be the adult and de-escalate. Could you bear to take him a drink and give him a cuddle? You might then find he says sorry. I'm sure he wasn't being malicious, just thoughtless.

MariE010 · 03/03/2022 23:33

It really is! I've put consequences in and he's confronting me about how unfair that is and that I'm making his life a misery. I've explained to him that I am not happy with his attitude and until he can understand what he's done and why I'm upset about it then he will have to deal with the consequences. I ignored him this evening, only responding if needed. Hoping he wakes up a bit more remorseful in the morning but I'm not counting on it.

TheSmallAssassin · 03/03/2022 23:34

Unless you think he purposely got on the bus out of malice, he did forget, didn't he, despite you talking about it this morning. If you've given him a bollocking, I'd just let it go, especially if he's doing his mocks. He won't always be like this.

IAmSantaOhYesIAm · 03/03/2022 23:35

How to handle it in the morning?
Ask him if he’s had time to see the situation from your point of view, ask him if he can understand why you got upset/angry.
I expect he got caught up in the moment of being with his mates and temporarily forgot your arrangement. It’s annoying and frustrating and a part of parenting teenagers.
Yes to pp, toddlers are sooooo much easier!

moonbedazzled · 03/03/2022 23:37

Next time he wants a lift, tell him to catch the minibus.

Arucanafeather · 03/03/2022 23:42

I would just move on in the morning. In similar situations, I always apologise for my behaviour (eg shouting/getting annoyed) and explain why it happened. Eg sorry I shouted last night. It upset me when I felt you didn’t care about the impact of your forgetfulness on me. Don’t expect anything back and 9/10 a little while later I do get an apology out of my teenager. Exam times are terribly stressful. My parents put up with all sorts of low level shitty behaviour from me. Never said anything. A week after I got my results, my Mum quietly suggested that they wouldn’t be quite so tolerate going forward now I wasn’t so stressed Grin.
Sounds like you’ve accidentally got into a win/lose battle (which retaliating by now denying him your support: eg deliberately “forget” to pick him to get him back, or deny him lifts etc will just perpetuate). I’d watch the “Kevin becomes a teenager” clips on iTunes and have a laugh at how accurate they are, give yourself some tlc and apologise for any of your actions done in anger when you can and explain why you were upset without the weight of expectation of a particular response from him.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 03/03/2022 23:42

If you start ignoring him or giving him the cold shoulder treatment, it will encourage him to be even more defensive next time he’s in the wrong.
You gave him a bollocking and hopefully he realised how much he’s inconvenienced you. He may need to sleep on it.
A pp suggested that you ask him to let you know if he needs a lift. That’s problem a good suggestion going forward.

daisydalrymple · 03/03/2022 23:51

Personally I wouldn’t do the same back to him, as that’s almost justifying his behaviour. You want him to understand he was thoughtless, but not in a way that might make him angry first. And I don’t mean pandering to him, just at this stage, they’ve been used to a lifetime of us doing most things for them. It doesn’t cross their mind we’ve got our own stuff to do, or just don’t always want to be doing our own stuff PLUS THEIRS!

DS1 is 15. I thought I was breezing through the teenage years, until DD hit 12 and hormone city! She’s insolent, rude, challenging. I don’t think we’re unreasonable parents. We give them a fair amount of freedom / support etc. She just really wants to rebel I think. I’ve tried reasoning with her, explaining how I feel, spending time doing things together she enjoys. She wants to go on a school trip next year, £1000. I’ve said yes, no problem. But that she becomes more pleasant, helps out, tidies her room and loses the attitude, or the trip is off. She’s got a 3 strike chance. She knows I mean it.

DS2 is 7. He asked what’s wrong with DD. I said she’s got growing up hormones. He now asks her have you got growing grumps today? 🤣

Arucanafeather · 04/03/2022 09:35

@daisydalrymple - loved your post. Growing grumps especially! (& your name Grin)

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