How do you handle inconsiderate, selfish teenagers?

[Claymorekick]

DC1 is 15 and rarely thinks about anyone or anything else other than their own needs. I am usually tolerant of this as it is low level stuff without much impact on others.

However today, we had made arrangements for me to pick him up from an after school activity - he definitely knew that was the plan. I arrived at the venue - took 30 minutes as it was rush hour - and he messaged me asking to pick him up from school (5 minutes from our house) as he had got on the minibus and it had set off without giving me a second thought.

So basically I did an unnecessary 60 min round trip. I was very annoyed and told him in no uncertain terms about how angry I was, how inconsiderate he was etc. I did proper lose my shit at him he just said he hadn't done anything wrong and he 'forgot'. I know he didn't forget as we discussed the plans several times this morning.

He has spent all evening in his bedroom, hasn't apologised as he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. So we are now in a stand off and not sure where to go with it but I do want him to appreciate how his lack of thought impacts others and he is obviously old enough to understand this. But if he is refusing to accept his own actions, what do I do?

Mother of a forgetful dd16 here. We've had similar situations and she genuinely does forget, particularly if it's a break from her normal routine. If it's a lift from a different place or a different time I text loads of reminders throughout the say so it's fresh in her mind.

It's really annoying but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Exam time is hard and his head is full of stuff. I'm sure he probably does feel a bit bad and maybe even embarrassed that he forgot arrangements. Lead by example and always be where you say you'll be. If it happens again go overboard and leave notes on the fridge, in his bag, in his lunch and send lots of texts!

I'm as sure as many other posters that he genuinely forgot. That's not the problem for me - everyone forgets things sometimes. It's the refusal to apologise. And I don't like the implication that a mum is a kind of non person who doesn't need two be shown the respect that other people get and who should just stuff down their own feelings and fuss around after him as if she's the one who made a mistake and has to compensate. I will run around after my DC daily and that's fine but I have feelings too and I don't think OP should have to disregard hers.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

I'm as sure as many other posters that he genuinely forgot. That's not the problem for me - everyone forgets things sometimes. It's the refusal to apologise. And I don't like the implication that a mum is a kind of non person who doesn't need two be shown the respect that other people get and who should just stuff down their own feelings and fuss around after him as if she's the one who made a mistake and has to compensate. I will run around after my DC daily and that's fine but I have feelings too and I don't think OP should have to disregard hers.

Thank you, I think this is actually what I am annoyed about. I don't agree he genuinely forgot but that is just my view and 15.5 years of parenting him but if that was the case, then the minute he realised he had forgotten, I would have expected a call or message saying 'omg, I am so sorry, totally forgot' rather than a message saying 'unlucky' when i told him i was in the carpark

Anyway, no real apology this morning - just a stroppy 'I said I was sorry already' type remarks (I am sure you can all imagine the tone of voice it was said in)

Anyway, I will move on, be more specific with regular texts etc. Not sure I am buying the exam stress as he seems to think revision is for wimps and does not appear remotely stressed

OP the problem is that if you don't make your point here - basically that you need to be treated as a person rather than less than- then this incident will actually reinforce the behaviour.

Just throw in the odd “sorry I forgot to cook dinner/ do the shopping/ laundry” now and again, works wonders with mine! It sort of resets expectations in a jokey way

My advice, as the parent of teen DC, is not to do anything more op except maybe give him a few extra jobs like carrying out the rubbish, or emptying the dishwasher for the next few days, or ask him to run a slightly challenging errand for you which eats in to his leisure time. You have made your point and although he will give no outward appearance of it, he will have taken the lesson on board. I suspect that he got bored or hungry, or wanted to sit next to someone on the minibus and made an impulsive decision without thinking it through.

Nikki360 is right. Teenagers go through a developmental period where they are generally quite selfish to those around them (often while idealistically wanting world peace and justice) and you just have to sit it out and try not to take it personally. First because teens switch off if you start to nag (I wish I had learned this earlier) and second because their cerebral cortexes and their limbic systems aren't fully formed until 24 or 25 years of age, so they are physically incapable of being as empathetic as an adult or seeing another person's perspective. It's really, really hard, as it can be so frustrating and hurtful, but you just have to ride it out.

It helps if you step back a bit, get some support for yourself, and do things that boost your own morale and try and keep the lines of communication open. And remember that despite it being bloody infuriating for you, it is hard for them too. This too shall pass

He's a teenager - they can be inconsiderate, selfish, awkward little gits. Perhaps don't fetch him next time, see how he copes with that.

arucanafeather thing is there’s no right answer with teenagers is there?!! 😭 I remember a few years back when I used to see these kind of posts, feeling so smug, thinking that will never happen to me 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣🤣🤣 genuinely didn’t expect it, especially with DD, who was the huggiest, happiest, friendliest child ever. Even now with parents evening on teams, I can barely contain my shock when teachers say how pleasant, helpful and polite she is 🤣😵

I’d have been pissed off too. Now you’ve calmed down(?), I’d talk to him about what his lack of thought had meant. Tell him that if that happens again, he won’t be getting any lifts home. In other words he’s had one stroke.

*strike

Inconsiderate selfishness is rewarded by having the relevant privilege withdrawn. In this case, lifts.

I think their heads are full of other stuff - exams, mates etc.

He will know he’s messed up. So stay calm and next time he needs a lift see what he says - hopefully he will have learned

In future I'd refuse to set off for a pick up until he was leaving wherever he was and would definitely be there. If he's unwilling to wait, he'll just have to make his own way home. You can do all you like to minimise stress during his mocks, but not at the expense of your stress levels.