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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD has had huge row with boyfriend and it’s my fault 🙁

37 replies

Inastatus · 28/02/2022 16:50

DD is 17 and has been seeing her 19 year old bf for 5 months. He is a nice boy but he hardly ever visits DD at our house. It’s always her going to his. Neither of them drive yet so it’s us constantly giving lifts to his house.

I have spoken to DD on many occasions suggesting that it’s a good idea for him to do the running a bit more and come to our house. He will say he’s coming but then there’s always some excuse as to why he can’t make it. He was meant to come yesterday but didn’t and said he’d come today instead. I just overheard them arguing and he shouted at her saying he didn’t feel comfortable at our house 🙁 I really don’t know why this would be. We have always been very welcoming and chatty with him, on the few occasions he has been here - cooked him dinner, bought him a few beers in, respected their space when he’s here etc. I just don’t know what the issue is.

DD is now crying in her room. I feel like if I hadn’t put the pressure on to have him here more often then this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe I need to step back and just let her go to his all the time but it upsets me that we don’t get to see them here and I just feel he ought to make more of an effort.

What shall I do?

OP posts:

AlisonDonut · 28/02/2022 16:52

I suspect it is a control thing. Isolating from family is a red flag quite early on. You are probably doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Linguini · 28/02/2022 16:53

Just stop ferrying her over there and back. That's it.

She's old enough for a 19yo boyfriend then she can pay for her own taxis/bus or he can pay for them?

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 28/02/2022 16:53

I mean, you do sound over-involved and you shouldn’t have pressured her but — if he genuinely shouted at her?! That’s not okay and not your fault.

Your poor DD, trying to please you and getting shouted at by him.

Don’t make this about how bad you feel. Support her.

GreasyGris · 28/02/2022 16:54

What is his situation at home, does he live with both parents, does he work or go to school? How far away does he live?

It is a bit odd, what does your dd think?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/02/2022 16:55

He's lying. He likes her coming to him, and it's definitely a control thing. With any luck, they will break up.

labyrinthlaziness · 28/02/2022 16:55

@AlisonDonut

I suspect it is a control thing. Isolating from family is a red flag quite early on. You are probably doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Yes I would be wondering if this could be a possibility, it seems quite strange he keeps backing out.

Susu49 · 28/02/2022 16:55

It's not your fault.

Agree that it's probably a control thing and if he's feeling uncomfortable at yours it'll be coz he not in charge while he's there.

Redshoeblueshoe · 28/02/2022 16:55

Linguini is spot on. No more lifts.

Bickles · 28/02/2022 16:58

He’s 19, maybe they have more freedom at his, including freedom to be intimate. Not necessarily a good thing at 17! No more lifts.

Kilimanjaro97 · 28/02/2022 16:58

If he is shouting at her and making her cry she needs to end the relationship.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 28/02/2022 16:59

@Susu49

It's not your fault.

Agree that it's probably a control thing and if he's feeling uncomfortable at yours it'll be coz he not in charge while he's there.

This is a good point

BuanoKubiamVej · 28/02/2022 17:00

I don't think you've done everything wrong except in casting the events as the title of this thread.

Recast it as "I am working on helping my daughter to have boundaries and self-respect in her relationships, and when she started applying these lessons to her loser cocklodger-in-waiting boyfriend he made a huge fuss about not being allowed to be in control" - now how does that sound?

I am sorry your daughter is upset but she is grieving for the fact that your wise advance means she has had to remove the rose-tinted spectacles of young love and seen the deadbeat loser for what he is. Far better that she grieves this now rather than in a few years time when he has really got his claws into her.

BuanoKubiamVej · 28/02/2022 17:02

argh autoincorrects
everything=anything
advance=advice

NoSquirrels · 28/02/2022 17:04

Absolutely this!

I assume DD hasn’t talked it through with you yet, let alone accused you of pressuring her or ruining things.

HE shouted at HER for the reasonable request that he put a bit of the effort in.

That’s not your fault. That’s his fault, and your DD shouldn’t feel pressured to just do what he wants whenever he wants it.

lisaandalan · 28/02/2022 17:09

She's better off without him, If it's only seven months in she'd soon get over him. Id stop helping so much so it fizzled out. X

Original poster

Inastatus · 28/02/2022 17:11

@GreasyGris

What is his situation at home, does he live with both parents, does he work or go to school? How far away does he live?

It is a bit odd, what does your dd think?

He lives with both parents and works. I know his mum and dad and they are lovely but I think they also like the fact that DD spends a lot of time there. He lives about a 10 minute drive away so not too far but it would be nice if their time was split more evenly.

@Bickles - DD is nearly 18 and she spends the night at his house regularly. He has also spent a night here with her. I don’t have a problem with them being intimate.

@LemonJuiceFromConcentrate - I am trying not to be over-involved. Just trying to encourage a bit more balance. I am supporting her but I do worry that he is taking too much control in the relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inastatus · 28/02/2022 17:13

@BuanoKubiamVej - thanks for that perspective, it’s very helpful.

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 28/02/2022 17:14

Him not feeling welcome could be code for feeling that he can't behave as he wants to. Can DD pinpoint how he behaves differently at your place compared with at his? Does he shout? Is he bossy?
I'd be very tempted to show her the sticky 'now hear this' (I think) thread at the top of the relationships board. And this one.
At the very least, they need to take turns on the bus / cycle / walk / taxi.

GreasyGris · 28/02/2022 17:15

Aw bless you, just support her and remain neutral for now. What are you dd's plans for after she finishes school? If she is planning to stay, maybe she could get a part-time job now which means she spends less time with BF, they may well split up soon or things will cool off once she is off to uni, if that's what she wants to do.

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 17:15

This is where your daughter learns how to stand up for herself against people who are disrespectful towards her and her family.

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/02/2022 17:18

Let them get on with it. Working out her problems is part of your daughter growing up.

It’s absolutely fair enough you don’t want to do more than half of the taxi-ing and have drawn a line. You don’t have to solve it for her, she can sort it out with him.

PP saying it could be a controlling red flag is being dramatic, but you never know - he would appear to be a bit of a dick anyway if he is expecting your daughter to come to his house constantly so his mum can dance attendance/he doesn’t have to make the effort to get to know a new household. He also doesn’t sound very dynamic..

Midlander88 · 28/02/2022 17:21

Are your family a different class or culture to his?

I used to go round to my middle class friends house and felt uncomfortable there, even though they were really lovely. Their house was kind of too tidy, they expected guests to eat meals at the family dinner table and talk about work/school, and they were just generally a bit formal.

It might just be that kind of difference.

Personally I'd leave them to it. You could give her some general advice about making sure there's a fair balance of effort in her relationships, but if you criticise or question his not coming to your house, I think you could come across as the meddling mother.

NoSquirrels · 28/02/2022 17:24

If he’s regularly letting her down - saying he’ll come over and not turning up, or changing plans - this is a very good time to be learning about boundaries and respectful communication and actions, imo.

As long as it’s not about you, and your feelings, but centred on your DD…

SummerBluez · 28/02/2022 17:26

I think people are getting a bit over excited here. I had a boyfriend whose mum I didn't particularly like (not saying this is the case with you) and didn't feel comfortable at his, so we spent the vast majority of time at mine, we were both fine with this.
It wasn't a controlling red flag situation. He may literally just be shy/socially awkward and prefer being at home.

Lookingforatimeslip · 28/02/2022 17:28

It’s a shitty excuse to say he’s no comfortable at your house. I suspect he’s saying that so your dd continues to do all the running. The shouting at your dd sounds awful.

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