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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD has had huge row with boyfriend and it’s my fault 🙁

37 replies

Inastatus · 28/02/2022 16:50

DD is 17 and has been seeing her 19 year old bf for 5 months. He is a nice boy but he hardly ever visits DD at our house. It’s always her going to his. Neither of them drive yet so it’s us constantly giving lifts to his house.

I have spoken to DD on many occasions suggesting that it’s a good idea for him to do the running a bit more and come to our house. He will say he’s coming but then there’s always some excuse as to why he can’t make it. He was meant to come yesterday but didn’t and said he’d come today instead. I just overheard them arguing and he shouted at her saying he didn’t feel comfortable at our house 🙁 I really don’t know why this would be. We have always been very welcoming and chatty with him, on the few occasions he has been here - cooked him dinner, bought him a few beers in, respected their space when he’s here etc. I just don’t know what the issue is.

DD is now crying in her room. I feel like if I hadn’t put the pressure on to have him here more often then this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe I need to step back and just let her go to his all the time but it upsets me that we don’t get to see them here and I just feel he ought to make more of an effort.

What shall I do?

OP posts:

Bagelsandbrie · 28/02/2022 17:29

He’s probably just too lazy to be bothered and likes the comfort of his own house. It’s not your fault you’ve sort of brought this to the helm. It’s good that your dd sees it for what it is. I have a 19 year old dd - she’s at university now but I’ve had to put my feet down plenty of times about constant lifts etc. I don’t want to be a constant taxi. If they’re old enough for a busy social life and boyfriend they’re old enough to get a job and pay for taxis etc.

Fernandina · 28/02/2022 17:36

He doesn't feel comfortable at your house because he is 19, and is (or wants to be) sleeping with your 17-year-old daughter. He probably feels rather self-conscious about that.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 28/02/2022 17:38

10 minute drive, so what 30/40 mins on a bike depending on road speed. He should be making the effort to get to see her, not relying on you being a chauffeur. Either they are children or adults.

TheChronicalTales · 28/02/2022 17:39

To be honest when I was that age I hated going over to my boyfriends house and if he didn’t come to mine I wouldn’t go to his. Nothing to do with control, I just felt awkward around his parents. Could it just be that? Can she not get the bus?

BlingLoving · 28/02/2022 17:42

Well, it might be that for whatever reason he doesn't like coming over to your house and that's not entirely unreasonable. What IS unreasonable is for him to then expect your DD to make all the effort in coming to his house and expect you to do all the driving and lifting.

In any relationship she will have in the future, she needs to learn that there should be give and take. And while she might not realise what's happening here because she doesn't mind going over and doesn't see you having to drive her over as an issue, her current relationship is all take on his part (in this context, obviously there might be other things going on).

HesGotHisTrombole · 28/02/2022 17:43

I would not be facilitating any sort of contact between my DD and anyone who thinks it is acceptable to shout at her. In fact, I hope that I have instilled enough self confidence and self worth in her that she would be telling him to fuck right off speaking to her like that.

KickinTheRibs · 28/02/2022 17:47

Aside from it maybe being a control thing. This sounds entirely like me when I was younger and couldn’t drive to and from boyfriends house. I had crippling anxiety and just wanted to be in the comfort of my own home. I would constantly make excuses to not go to his house, not because of his parents, or his house, but just because I would feeling overwhelmingly sick at even the thought of being out of the house with no quick way home. I can see how it would seem controlling from my situation because it would always be on my terms, what I wanted and it would result in plenty of arguments.

Obviously being controlling and having a mental health issue are two entirely different things and rather than suspect one over the other it would be good to try and establish from him which it might be as that will shape a decision on whether she needs to leave the relationship, wants to or would like to try and get him some help.

NeverChange · 28/02/2022 18:14

Am...the bigger issue here is she shouts at your daughter!!!!

I would be taking to her about her self respect and how no man should ever do that no matter what the issue and certainly not as trivial at this.

Original poster

Inastatus · 28/02/2022 18:16

@KickinTheRibs - you know, I think it could be anxiety related now you mention it. His mum has hinted before that he has a few issues and that he might act as though he’s really confident but a lot of it is a front.

I’ve had chance to speak to DD now. He’s apologised for shouting and says he didn’t mean some of the stuff he said. He told her he likes our family but just meant that he doesn’t feel ‘as comfortable’ at ours as he does at his own house. DD told him of course that that is perfectly normal and understandable. However she told him he needs to make more of an effort to come to us because the more that happens, the more comfortable he will feel. DD feels the same as me that he does need to do this.

We spoke about control and balance in the relationship and she assured me that she wouldn’t do anything she didn’t want to and that she is confident enough to stand up for herself.

Thanks all for your advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inastatus · 28/02/2022 18:19

And yes @NeverChange - shouting unacceptable! DD has told him and he has apologised. I’ve advised her to be wary and she knows. She will see how things go.

OP posts:

Chloemol · 28/02/2022 18:33

It’s not you and your daughter knows that

I would be worried about this being the start of controlling behaviour, but he does sound immature, preferring his mums, where no doubt she does everything, than making an effort to get to know you and your family and take part in conversations

I would stop taking her there, she is old enough to make her own way there, leave her to get on with it but be ready to pick up the pieces

Andi2020 · 01/03/2022 23:27

I know how you feel thought I was only mum felt like this. My dd thinks I'm crazy when I say it to her. 18yo dd has been with bf for over a year and we have the same issue most of the time was at his especially at bank hol weekend or his birthday Xmas valentines.
On his 18th birthday she stayed 2 nights with him it was hers 2 days after his and he came to see her we went out for a dinner and he went home again .
He is driving now so it is a bit better but still more at his house.
His mum will not let him stay on a school night so I said we'll if she don't want him to stay at yours she won't want you staying with him,
Tomorrow night will be the first time I'm putting my foot down on this so we will wait and see do I get a text please can I stay
He is an only child so they get everything done for them there but I get them doing cooking dishes etc.
My kids have certain days to do dishes I said to him on my dd turn you can help her, he said dd doesn't have to do it at my house she's a guest and I replied your not a guest I gave you a key to our home so your part of the family, he answered fair enough and has done the dishes since.

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