Uniform Issues

[lollipopsandrainbows]

Where do I stand if DD refuses to wear trousers to school? For background, she is in Y9 and has always worn a skirt. Clearly from reading her planner she has taken to rolling up the skirt, and I've now received a letter saying she must wear trousers from now on.

I contacted the school to say this was the first I had heard of any issues. 3 notices in her planner relate to 2021, nothing so far this year. No detentions, no isolations, no sanctions. School have said it's their decision, she has broken the rules and that is that. She's gone to school today in her skirt, they've placed her in isolation and are waiting for me to collect her.

When I spoke to DD about the skirt rolling she had a full emotional breakdown. Basically despite the skirt being 22" wide, it's too big. She was measured in September and it's the smallest skirt the school do, but it's clear she's lost weight (7lb) and it now they no longer fit. DD has been bullied since Y8 and she confessed she's not eating at school as the particular girl would make comments about the food making her fatter than she already is...despite her being incredibly slim. My heart broke for her. I know she's eating at home as she clears my fridge every few days, but it saddens me that she's not at school. So, the skirts are too big on the waist, she was rolling it to keep it up. I've now tucked the skirts and darted them, and they are the correct length.

School aren't budging though. They've said everyday I send her in a skirt, they will keep sending her home. DD says only the "bad" kids wear trousers and she feels it makes her even more of a target. I'm all for school rules and I'm usually supportive of any sanctions, but I'm struggling with this one. I've told school I'll collect her at the end of school as planned, DD is more than happy in isolation as it keeps her from the bullies. But we can't do this everyday. Would everyone just relent and make her wear trousers? Clearly she has broken the rules so I'm on the fence which way to go. Please be kind.

Have you told the school about the bullies, how your daughter isn't eating in school and had lost weight over it? Surely this is the issue here. I would explain to the school that due to your daughters reasons can deserves another chance as as child shouldn't be punished and singled out as a naughty child for simply having issues with food brought on by bullying

She deserves

@whysoserious123 yes they're aware of the bullies, they get excluded for a few days then are back. Obviously her losing weight is an ongoing problem, all her other clothes fit fine but she basically lives in stretchy leggings so I hadn't noticed the skirt in all honesty. They won't budge, no second chances.

Is this following their own behaviour policy? That will be on the website. If so then unfortunately your daughter has broken the rules and needs to go back in trousers. If they haven't followed their own policy (and it does sound odd but might be something they find works).

The bullying is a separate (though serious) issue and not related to rolling up a skirt. You need to deal with that seriously.

A growing child losing weight is an issue. Is there a medical problem? If she isn't eating at school but eating at home she shouldn't be losing weight. Although if she is binging and purging at home... she could be. You might want to look into this more. (I am a stranger on the Internet so please don't let this worry you as I might be completely on the wrong track).

I feel for your daughter, I'm so sorry about the bullying. My daughter was bullied when she was in primary school and it was an awful time.

Does the school know about the bullying and how it has affected your daughter? I would definitely make an appointment to meet with her form tutor/head of year and discuss the background and context. I am also one for respecting the rules, however, in this case, it seems the punishment will only make her problems much worse. 'Disobeying' the uniform rule is a symptom of the more serious issue of being bullied which needs to be resolved.

I’d be fuming with this op. I wouldn’t make her wear trousers. I don’t know what the answer is but there’s no way the school are right on this.

@Mumdiva99 their policy states detentions will be given first, which hasn't happened, we've gone straight to trousers.

She lost a lot of weight last year, full bloods were done and all clear other than anaemia. They talked to her on her own about eating, she said there were no issues. And I'm pretty confident there aren't, she's just obviously not confident eating at school.

The bullying is ongoing and I just go back and forth with the school. I've tried to move her but our local secondary is sadly full.

Sorry cross post. I really think the school is failing your daughter and letting the bullies get away with it. If this is as much as the school does about bullies, then I would seriously consider moving her. I mean it's not ideal in Y9 but your daughter's physical and mental health will continue to suffer at this rate. How are the grades?

@Crumbs22 I tried to move her in September but our only other option is full.
I'm on the fence with it as she's broken the rules. If she would have told me the skirt was too big, I could have altered it like I did after I was told she had to wear trousers. When she gets out of the car on a morning the skirt has always been as it should, she must the roll it up when I'm out of sight which makes me feel a little sad.

@Crumbs22 sorry to add her grades are middle-ground, so in my language low B high C.

I'd be making a formal complaint to the school & Governors that firstly they have skipped the detentions bit and gone straight to trousers only. Also that they are not dealing with the bullying issues and sweeping it under the carpet

[quote lollipopsandrainbows]@Crumbs22 I tried to move her in September but our only other option is full.
I'm on the fence with it as she's broken the rules. If she would have told me the skirt was too big, I could have altered it like I did after I was told she had to wear trousers. When she gets out of the car on a morning the skirt has always been as it should, she must the roll it up when I'm out of sight which makes me feel a little sad. [/quote]
I agree that she could have mentioned it before. You obviously have the sewing skills to change it. If it was an issue why would she have only rolled it up after she was out of your sight? It's very common for girls to roll up skirts for fashion reasons so if an excuse is given now it won't look believable. I'd send her in trousers for now and they might relent in future. Obviously the bullying needs to be dealt with separately

If her waist is smaller than 22 inches, you will also struggle to get trousers to fit.
Sounds like there is more to sort than the skirt length. Although I don't see why a properly fitting skirt would get picked up by anyone if she,wore trousers for a few days then switched back.
Or, could you request DD wears an unrolled skirt til next weekend to allow you to go to the shops, and then they need ordering as nothing has a small enough waist.....

@PinkForgetMeNot I think the not eating/bullying came up as she fears wearing trousers will pin-point her further and make her more of a target. She was just completely overwhelmed at the thought of wearing trousers.

Sadly I can't make her wear trousers, she doesn't want to, and other than pinning her down (which wouldn't work), I'm at a loss what to do. Obviously I've had a long talk with her, that I could have easily rectified the skirts, and she couldn't really explain why she hadn't told me. She put one on for me and they were clearly gaping making them slip down. All could have been easily sorted. So now she's refusing, she's been put in isolation. This is a girl who has got to year 9 without any sanctions. The odd remark in her planner but no serious sanctions. She knew going in a skirt today would result in a sanction, but she was fine going in isolation as it would "keep her away" from those who cause her problems. But this isn't a long-term solution, so I'm at a stalemate with the school.

If they haven't followed their own policy they are in the wrong. (Says someone who usually sides with schools and hates rulebreaking). Your daughter should be given detention if that's what they say. Please ask why this hasn't happened. Point out their policy if needed....... you might find that the isolation is for behaviour when challenged over the skirt or something.....so don't go all guns blazing just yet.

@MaizeAmaze there's some at ASDA age 14-15 that I'd be able to take in/dart if needed. Skirts with stretch waistbands are so much easier than the pencil skirts but they're not an option.

@Mumdiva99 no guns blazing ha. I'm very supportive of schools, my other child is a little more defiant and her teachers always get my full support when dealing with issues. I've just never really had any issues with older DD so this is a new one.

We couldn't get any uniform to fit dd1, trousers that fit on the waist were 6 inches too short, skirts that fit looked like my old pe skirt. The school had a craft room with sewing machines thankfully and it was DD's form room, her teacher agreed to help her make clothes that fitted (we didn't have issues when young adults they are adjustable). Size 6's are baggy on her but she does have eating issues

lollipopsandrainbows
Mumdiva99their policy states detentions will be given first, which hasn't happened, we've gone straight to trousers.

So you make an appointment and bring the policy and rule book with you.

2 sections need looking at
Uniform policy.
Support of child being bullied.

You are as pedantic as possible about what the policy says and what the school do on a day to day basis.

Start by asking for a full list of issues and concerns that the school may have about her behaviours in school.

Compare and contrast what they bring up with what your Dd says she is doing/saying.

The uniform is the easy bit.
She broke the rules so the process should be followed and she gets detention.

if they are not going to follow their own policy you want a explanation
Who had decided the policy is not followed
What authority has that person to override the policy.
Why has your child been singled out, if she is not singled out why is there a pratice of not following policy
What is their aim as in what do they hope to achieve by ignoring the steped esclation of consequences warning detention special uniform exclusion.

You daughter has formed the opinion that problem girls end up in trousers. Is that factual /happening or is it a little emotional blackmail?

Do similar with the support you think your daughter needs in school to manage the bullying and its aftermath. Where do you think its lacking and what can the school actually provide.

I would also investigating how your daughter can eat at at will at home and still be loosing a lot of weight. Lunch in school is about the timing of the food intake, if she was eating when she comes home hungry thats reorganising timing not total intake. Discuss a healthy eating plan covering her not eating in school?

@lollipopsandrainbows ASDA trousers aged 14-15 have a waist of about 28 inches. That's a lot of darts, and kudos to you if you can adjust them that much!

@SolasAnla that is really great advice, thank you so much.

I doubt very much she has been singled out, it is on their website that trousers will be enforced for "persistent" rule breaking but that's point 6 on the policy, we've not gone through point 4 and 5 yet where detentions and exclusions are given. But she would be the only one in her friendship group, which is already very small. I can't vouch for what the rest of the year group wear.

As for the eating, she makes a sandwich which 9/10 she has eaten in the car on the way to school. She only eats what I would call a proper breakfast on a weekend. I've logged on her school account and her money is mostly being spent on drinks and snacks, rather than meals as such - snack a jacks, iced fingers etc. Has a full hot dinner on an evening and eats the lot, followed by pudding. She does no activities anymore (used to dance/gym 5 days a week), so if anything you would think weight would go on, not off?

Your daughter needed to be assessed by the local eating disorder team.

@MaizeAmaze I just looked at the age...I'll have to look at the size smaller but then it's the length that's the problem

@SecretDoor she has seen them after the GP raised concerns about her weight, they found no problems and instead focused on her diet rather than the amount she ate.

Tell them she identifies as a girl and it would be literal violence to make her wear trousers?

Have you complained about the bullying including names of the bullies and incident timeline?

Ask for a meeting with the Head and discuss the effects of these nasty comments on your dd and her not eating properly in school. Try to mention this under wellbeing and safeguarding for a quicker response from head or assistant head whoever is available sooner.

If your dd likes skirt see if u can stich it up at the waist with a small fold which can be easily removed later if her wiast size changes. Do make sure that you mention this to the head and get their approval so they are looped in as miscommunication is pretty common in schools and I wouldn't want your dd to suffer more than she already has.

I really hope you get some support from school. Please do stand by with your dd and not on the fence. Imo She needs to be supported (I am sure you are doing that already) as the school seems to be doing little here.