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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

13 year old DS bit his brother

42 replies

Snugabugz · 22/02/2022 20:50

My 13 year old is generally a good kid apart from being spectacularly lazy around the house but that’s another thread.

Every time he has a friend round he ends up fighting with his little brother who is nine. I try to keep him away from the older ones as respect that he wants time with his friends. Anyway this evening as I was cooking dinner the younger one came crying to me saying his brother had bit him.

I saw red and cancelled the sleepover, telling his friend to ring his mum to pick him up.

Now everyone is crying and I wonder if I over reacted.

They are now saying it was a ‘play bite’ but it happens every time he has a friend round. I end up refereeing and it’s worse if I invite a friend for the younger one as then it’s two nine year olds getting on their nerves!

The 13 year old is not talking to me. Did I do the right thing?

OP posts:

spacehardware · 22/02/2022 20:51

Yes absolutely. Biting is disgusting and dangerous, what on earth was he playing at?

Hellocatshome · 22/02/2022 21:04

If he did bite his brother (I have known kids bite themselves to get their siblings in trouble) then you were absolutely right to punish him and he would not be having friends over until he learnt how to behave. I do think you need to keep the 9 year old out of the way. Could he go for sleepovers at Grannies house or something while the older one has a friend over?

StripyOnesie · 22/02/2022 21:05

Yes. You did exactly the right thing. I'd have done the same.

negomi90 · 22/02/2022 21:09

Yes you were right to stop the sleep over if you know he actually bit his brother (and there is evidence beyond the 9yo saying so).
But if its a theme, then you need to keep them separate when friends are over. The 9yo can't be bothering his older brother, the 13yo has a right to have play with his friends without his siblings. Of course he shouldn't be mean let alone violent in response to his frustration with sibling, but tackle the frustration and cause moving forward. If you know the 9yo wants to play with the older kids, then distract 9 or find a playdate for him elsewhere. Stop putting the kids in a situation you know always goes wrong.
Punish this absolutely, but move forward by tackling other issues as well.

Original poster

Snugabugz · 22/02/2022 21:13

Thank you for your replies.

Apparently they are now saying he was pretending to bite him, going ‘nom nom’ through his sleeve. So either the younger one was crying wolf to get his brother in trouble or he’s now covering up for him.

Either way I’m sick of the pair of them so hopefully they’ll learn to get along or leave each other alone.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 22/02/2022 21:15

OF COURSE you did the right thing. It's high time to bring the hammer down and then some. A 13 absolutely knows better than to bully and physically assault his younger sibling. I wouldn't tolerate that for an instant.

Original poster

Snugabugz · 22/02/2022 21:17

I actually kept the nine year old downstairs with me watching a programme I know he likes. But he went upstairs when I was cooking.

I’ve told the older one to get me if his brother is bothering him and I’ll deal with it rather than him getting mad.

OP posts:

Checkcheckcheck · 22/02/2022 21:18

Was there a mark on the younger child to show that he had been bitten? If not then yes, I think you have overreacted.

Ozanj · 22/02/2022 21:22

Wow I can’t believe there are people supporting you. Yes you overreacted massively. You can’t cancel sleepovers because of sibling fights if they’re constantly fighting. You need to manage the poor behaviour on the spot & be much firmer about keeping the younger one away from them during sleepovers.

UserWithNoUserName · 22/02/2022 21:43

I would have done the same as you.
However, if younger. one was being economical with the truth, and wasn't actually bitten, I would be furious.

1AngelicFruitCake · 22/02/2022 21:47

A 9 year old pestering his brother?! Sounds like a 5 year old! Biting is extreme and obviously wrong but why is the 9 year old annoying his brother?

MissyB1 · 22/02/2022 21:53

Well was there a bite mark or wasn’t there? Surely you checked?

And why after being told to keep away from the older boys did he still go and bother them? And now he’s ruined his big brother’s sleepover.

UserWithNoUserName · 22/02/2022 22:04

Where were the elder boys, OP?
I think it's a bit unreasonable to expect younger siblings to stay away from them all night in communal areas. However, if they were in elder siblings room, younger one should know to leave them alone.

Can you have younger one have a friend over if there is a next time? Not necessarily to stay overnight, but just to keep him occupied.

LiveintheNow · 22/02/2022 22:10

You punished the friend too and he hadn't done anything...

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 22/02/2022 22:13

Did he have a mark?

theAntsareMyFriends · 22/02/2022 22:14

I always feel so sorry for the friend in this situation. He has effectively had his fun cancelled despite doing nothing wrong and his parents have been dragged out to fetch him.

Keep your 9 year old away from his brother is surelythe solution. A 13 year old has a right to privacy and time with his friends. My 4 year old and 2 year old both want to sneak off to join their 8 year old brother when he has a friend round but I don't let them. I'm not surprised your 13 year old gets angry although biting is obviously not acceptable.

If the 9 year old sneaks off when you are cooking you should be punishing him too.

Branleuse · 22/02/2022 22:16

I think you overreacted

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 22/02/2022 22:18

So did the 9 year old have a bite mark? Trying to understand this.

Tee20x · 22/02/2022 22:23

Play bite at 13? Strange.

If it was just the pair of them at home and you cancelled a fun trip out then that would be fine but you punished the poor kid and made his mother pick him up? I would have saved the punishment or whatever for after friend had left.

Yicky · 22/02/2022 22:29

I don't think you can send an excited 13 year old home when you have offered to have him for a sleep over because your own 13 year old had a fight with his 9 year old brother. No. What did you tell his parents who expected him to be staying at yours all evening? They probably won't arrange another sleepover with you.

LostForWords2021 · 22/02/2022 22:34

What did the bite mark look like?

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 22/02/2022 22:35

Sorry but I think you’ve handled it badly. I’d be coming down in the 9 year old like a ton of bricks for hassling his 13 year old brother when he has friends round and it sounds like he knows how to get a reaction out of you too to get big brother into trouble.

Sending his friend home was embarrassing for both of them and I doubt that friend will be comfortable coming back anytime soon!

Mama1980 · 22/02/2022 22:40

The joy of siblings....one minute at each other's throats, the next covering for each other. You have my sympathy it's very frustrating.
I think on reflection you probably overreacted but hopefully it will teach them both a lesson.

Savvysix1984 · 22/02/2022 23:25

I think you over reacted too.

GlowBuzzers · 23/02/2022 01:59

It feels like you punished the visitor and his mum. You should have at least dropped him home yourself rather than telling the boy to get his mum to come out

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