13 year old DS bit his brother

[Snugabugz]

My 13 year old is generally a good kid apart from being spectacularly lazy around the house but that’s another thread.

Every time he has a friend round he ends up fighting with his little brother who is nine. I try to keep him away from the older ones as respect that he wants time with his friends. Anyway this evening as I was cooking dinner the younger one came crying to me saying his brother had bit him.

I saw red and cancelled the sleepover, telling his friend to ring his mum to pick him up.

Now everyone is crying and I wonder if I over reacted.

They are now saying it was a ‘play bite’ but it happens every time he has a friend round. I end up refereeing and it’s worse if I invite a friend for the younger one as then it’s two nine year olds getting on their nerves!

The 13 year old is not talking to me. Did I do the right thing?

I think you did the right thing ..there's a pattern here that you're reacting to.

Biting at 13? I'd be worried and sorting that out ASAP

None of this makes sense. You should talk to younger 9 year old and tell him he shouldn't be bothering them. At the first opportunity whilst you were cooking he crept up to see them, that's because the appeal is too strong, he wants to be involved, but he can't be because it's not his friend and he needs to learn that - it is a really big point.

But if older ds now says they were play fighting, then he obviously had younger brother in, allowed him in, was playing with him, but then it got out of hand. So he's to blame too.

But I just I would've dealt with it at the time. and I probably would've sat them down the next day and talked about it, and maybe a punishment then. but I wouldn't have done is cancelled the sleepover there and then because that affects another child and another parent has to come and collect the child so I wouldn't of done that.

Well what else should DB do to his younger brother who is being a nuisance and pushing into his space - hit him?? kick him??
Younger DB needs to stay away.

YWBU
I assume there was no mark since you didn't mention it - the younger one has whinged to get his brother in trouble and you've fallen for it. Stop the younger one bothering his brother when he has a friend round otherwise fighting will be inevitable. 9 year olds who are looking for attention from a pair of 13 year olds will not be anything other than annoying.

I disagree that younger sibling should be expected to stay out of the way if older one has friends over.

They all live in the same house, nobody should be expected to be out of the way just because someone else demands it.

This is part of the joy of having more than one child, they all have to co exist, and that means that if you have friends over, if you want privacy then you should stay in your own room in order to get it.

It sounds like the pair of them were equally out of order. The older one for essentially lashing out when he was presumably playfighting as he said, and the younger one for goading his older brother.

Neither of them is in the right here and I would be telling them that if they can’t play nicely, and that goes for both of them, then neither of them can have friends over.

If the younger one is now saying it was a play bite I’d be absolutely furious with him. He’s lied at some point and ruined several people’s evenings.

I can't believe you cancelled a sleepover after it had begun! Poor friend, what if his parents were out for the evening and couldn't pick him up?

You should have separated the siblings and put the whole situation on ice to deal with at a later date. Bang out of order in my opinion to punish a friend who had nothing to do with it.

A 13 year old biting? Bloody hell, I wouldn't expect a kid over the age of about 4 to do that. You were right to punish him

I wouldn't have sent the friend home, that was really unfair on them.

Maybe a lock for the teens bedroom door

@MiddleParking

If the younger one is now saying it was a play bite I’d be absolutely furious with him. He’s lied at some point and ruined several people’s evenings.

That it was a play bite would have been assumed by any parent with a whit of commonsense as there were no marks and she’s talking about a 13 yo and not a 3 yo!!

Thanks everyone

The older ones were in his bedroom. I could hear them arguing so I called up to the younger one to leave the room. But I was cooking so I didn’t go up like I usually do to remove him.

They’ve both been warned about this. When he came down crying saying he’d been bitten I flipped out and said ‘right that’s it, sleepover is cancelled’

I spoke privately to the older one to hear his side of the story and realised that it would be unfair on the friend to send him home. But by this time he’d called his mum and she was halfway here.

I texted her to apologise for messing her about.

I am embarrassed that it ended up this way and this morning called the mother to explain properly and said I did the wrong thing.

I sat down with both my kids and we tried to agree how we could avoid this happening in future.

My DSis used to pinch herself to make a red mark on her arm, so she could get me in trouble. At that age kids can be sneaky! It’s not okay for either of them to be fighting, but you need a cooler head - easier said than done I know.

So the 13 year old didn't bite him?

I dont necessarily think you were wrong. Now your ds1 knows that biting , even in play, is totally off the table. That's not a bad thing.

Hope you are punishing younger brother for pestering his brother and friend though. He absolutely needs to learn that winding up his older brother than running to mummy to cause trouble is not ok.

Ban them from each others rooms, they obviously can't be trusted to be together