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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My DS is really letting me down

37 replies

ItsDisneyBitch · 20/02/2022 10:13

My ds is 19, he is away at university.

We are a low income family so this year we got the maximum grant, next year because my income has gone up slightly we won’t get the full amount.

I have asked ds to get a job to help provide his drinking money and odds and ends I have said I will try my best to help with the other bits.

He has made zero effort, he spends his whole time apparently getting stoned and pissed. He has used his birthday and his Christmas money so far to make ends meet.

He has interviews, doesn’t go to them. He is lazy beyond belief.

Now he is asking me for the deposit on a house and I will be expected to top him up to the £2k that i don’t have to make ends meet.

I’m devastated that he is behaving this way. He has been raised by a hard working single mum. I’ve had no help from his father. And I feel like he is just throwing it in my face.

I don’t know what to do. Part of me thinks leave him too it but I am his mum. Help!

OP posts:
spotcheck · 20/02/2022 10:16

Leave him to it. Honestly- he isn't helping himself at all.
But...
Has he ever had a job at all?
Has he settled in at university? Does he have friends etc?

MojoJojo71 · 20/02/2022 10:17

You won’t be doing him any favours long term if you just give him money and let him piss it all away. If I were you I’d sit him down and have a frank conversation about finances. If he wants to spend his time getting pissed and stoned then he’s the one who needs to bear the consequences, both financial and the impact on his grades and future.

Violetmo0n · 20/02/2022 10:19

I'd sit him down, explain how much you've helped so far, can't afford to do it anymore so there'll be no more help.
Tell him if he wants money to piss up the wall then he works for it.
Have to be tough here and say no more.

BrambleRoses · 20/02/2022 10:20

Situations like this are really difficult. He absolutely shouldn’t be drinking his money away and I’d be really concerned about the use of cannabis.

Part time jobs, I’m more on the fence about. I think that they can be a bit risky, as to be honest most bars, restaurants, shops, don’t care that they are a full time student, they aren’t sympathetic to that, and expect commitment to the job. I think it can really be detrimental to studies.

Of course if you can’t afford to help then you can’t and as I say he shouldn’t be smoking weed, but as a student his job is to study.

Toloveandtowork · 20/02/2022 10:21

You're his mum, yes. You have made many personal sacrifices to bring him up and get him to university.
He's taking the piss, but like many young people, probably believes you owe him even more.
Tell him it's not possible and he needs to live his own independent life.

DowntonCrabby · 20/02/2022 10:21

Leave him to it and absolutely don’t top him up behind basic living costs and even then, I’d be offering to send a food shop if he’s struggling rather than giving money.

It’s perfectly reasonable to expect a student to have a PT job to fund their social life.

Sunshinedreaming2022 · 20/02/2022 10:23

I’d say I’ll pay the deposit once he’s got a job and been in it for 2 months. Yes he’s an adult and should stand on his own two feet but you are his mum and it’s hard to watch them sink when you could help. So come to a compromise

Original poster
ItsDisneyBitch · 20/02/2022 10:24

I have sat him down, before Christmas, after Christmas I even went with him to buy interview clothes.

It’s like screaming into the wind. I can’t keep doing this.

OP posts:
SmolCat · 20/02/2022 10:30

@Sunshinedreaming2022

I’d say I’ll pay the deposit once he’s got a job and been in it for 2 months. Yes he’s an adult and should stand on his own two feet but you are his mum and it’s hard to watch them sink when you could help. So come to a compromise
This.
Original poster
ItsDisneyBitch · 20/02/2022 10:32

He isn’t turning up for job interviews just sleeping through them!

The university isn’t a million miles from home he could commute it would be unpleasant but he could do it if push came to shove. I said to him you will have to come home if you don’t sort yourself out and he still hasn’t!

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 20/02/2022 10:34

Has he ever had a job?

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 20/02/2022 10:35

I totally understand your frustration.

I have a TG DD(17). Never worked a day in her life. She dropped out of college last week after I had spent almost £300 on the supplies she needed in September.

I used to give both DDs £40 pocket money per month on the proviso that they helped around the house by putting their own washing away, keeping rooms clean, emptying and reloading dishwasher, bit of polishing and hoovering. (I'm disabled and DH works full time so it can be hard to stay on top of things)

She literally does nothing. She leaves her room to eat and that's it. She's also now got her GF round every week Friday to Monday so I'm paying to feed a family of 5 rather than 4. (I've put my foot down this weekend though) and I've stopped the money.

She's had 3 job interviews where the first thing she says is I have ADHD and ASD so I might not always be able to come to work. Rather surprisingly she didn't progress beyond the interview.

I've sent her two apprenticeships to apply for but she hasn't bothered yet.

I just feel done with it all. I'm not handing over any more money. I'm not doing her washing or ironing. I will feed her and that's it. Maybe a couple of months with now subway deliveries might push her to get off her arse!!

Original poster
ItsDisneyBitch · 20/02/2022 10:35

Yes he had a job before university and left it with the intention of getting one locally to the university.

OP posts:
DogsAndGin · 20/02/2022 10:41

Absolutely let him fall flat on his face a few times. You’ve got to be cruel to be kind otherwise you’ll end up with a 40 year old still dependent on you, and by that time he’ll have a load of baggage too! Cut him off financially, entirely.

Aderyn21 · 20/02/2022 10:48

I also wouldn't be working my arse off to keep my student son in booze and drugs. Your son is lucky in that he can come home to study so doesn't need a 2k rent deposit.

Louisianagumbo · 20/02/2022 10:52

When I was his age if I could have avoided work by having my mum buy me a house, I'd have slept through interviews too.

The idea that all he has to do is hold down a job for two months and people would put down I deposit for them is mad. It can often take two months to go through the route of sacking someone. And how does two months indicate how good he's being with his money? You could find yourself putting down the deposit and him losing the house or bailing him out every month. No one likes to see people they love struggle, but your job as a parent is to make them independent, not more dependent on you.

Words are easy, you need to force him to stand on his own two feet and not expect mum to be his personal bank account.

Caughtup · 20/02/2022 10:53

Really frustrating. He needs to grow up, but that is easier said than done. I maybe would offer to contribute toward the deposit only when he has got a part time job, this depends on the hours of his course though, some have less lectures, tutorials, work experience than others. If his course allows, he needs to get a part time job and anything you are willing/able to contribute should be a set amount so he knows how much he should budget. He needs to understand how much he needs for rent, how much for food, transport bills, uni costs, then social life and have a budget. If he knows how much you plan to contribute, he needs to work out how much he will need to find to cover the remainder. Tell him it is not possible to contribute more and you can only contribute if he earns the short fall. Explain until he has a steady income he can't agree to sign a tenancy ( he will need to give a guarantor, so you can decline to do this unless he is earning, explain calmly you can't afford that risk), he may need to pay a months rent upfront as well as the deposit, he needs to work out how to fund this. Tell him if he can't find a way, he will need to move back home for the remainder of his studies
I think from what I have seen, parents that are making adhoc financial contributions have some challenges as students don't learn to budget and feel they can be bailed out. Explain what you are prepared to contribute, how often and on what terms ( him funding the remainder).
If he does step up and take responsibility, you can help occasionally with supermarker vouchers or a bus pass, so you know he will be fed and able to get home. Take him out when home to buy any clothes he needs, as a treat.
Good luck

EmmaH2022 · 20/02/2022 10:59

@DowntonCrabby

Leave him to it and absolutely don’t top him up behind basic living costs and even then, I’d be offering to send a food shop if he’s struggling rather than giving money.

It’s perfectly reasonable to expect a student to have a PT job to fund their social life.

This is the best option.
NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 20/02/2022 11:08

What degree is he doing?

My DS is 19, at Uni and not working, but he's doing a degree where he has lectures and lab work from 8-5 most days + need to study, so I would not expect him to work

I know with some subjects you can, but subjects like medicine or engineering or similar can leave very little time for taking a job on top of the degree course

IMO

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 20/02/2022 11:10

Is the deposit for buying a house?!

I imagine it's for a shared rental? (For reference my DS needed a £200 deposit not £2000, can you clarify? )

Caughtup · 20/02/2022 11:23

Being at uni is an expensive business, universities are about making money from undergraduates to fund their research and maintain rankings. House prices are huge and so being at university is costly. Governments say it is a loan that students decide to take and pay back later, but the system is based on having parents being able to help pay, due to how much the parents earn dictating how much loan the student will get. Students on the same course, with the same job prospects at the end, will be receiving different amounts of loans to help fund their student life. It takes no account of parents other out goings, mortgage, other children etc. It relies on the good will of parents. A lot of courses can be quite full on leaving little time for work, plus other costs incurred for the course, materials, placements, equipment have to be funded by the student. Other courses have minimal contact, despite paying huge tuition fee, but need a lot of time for reading, part time work may be easier though. The reality could be he needs some contribution from you to continue, either living at home rent free and commuting or you giving him a set amount on your terms, e.g on condtion he funds the remainder through loan and work

Original poster
ItsDisneyBitch · 20/02/2022 11:24

No it’s a shared rental, so this year for the maintenance loan it’s about £2k less than he originally got. The rents are huge so I’m going to have to make up any shortfall.

He has time to work he doesn’t study Monday and Tuesday.

OP posts:
RosesforTea · 20/02/2022 11:47

No, @ItsDisneyBitch, you don’t have to make up the shortfall.

You answer every request for money but saying “Darling, like I told you before Christmas, I don’t have any extra money to give you. I asked you to cut back and/or get a job or make up the extra, but if you can’t do either of those things, you can always live here at home and commute to uni. We’ll work out a low amount for board/chores later. How does this sound? Or do you want any (non-money) help with trying for more interviews? I can sit and talk to you about common questions and/or look over your CV for you.”

And repeat.

Also, being a parent isn’t giving your child money all the time. It’s also teaching them limits, boundaries and responsibilities. Let your actions now show him what happens when he inevitably gets to a point in life when he can’t afford something. You show him that a grown up draws a line/boundary and comes up with a new plan. Not that a son can emotionally blackmail his mother into paying out money she doesn’t want too.

HollowTalk · 20/02/2022 11:54

Oh, I really wouldn't want him coming home to live with you! That wouldn't be easier at all and you would be the only loser. I think the most important thing is not to be a guarantor on his rental. He could easily just stop paying rent knowing that you will have to pay it. I agree that anything you give him should be dependent on him learning as well.

If he's not studying on Monday and Tuesday then that's four days off in a row that he has free. He has to learn that if he doesn't work, he hasn't any money.

Original poster
ItsDisneyBitch · 20/02/2022 12:18

Do you know what hurts the most is that I’ve done so much to help him. I’ve worked so hard and his father has done absolutely fuck all. He is literally spitting in my face.

If I don’t make up the shortfall he can’t live there simple as and will have to come home.

He will only have himself to blame.

OP posts:
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