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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My DS is really letting me down

37 replies

ItsDisneyBitch · 20/02/2022 10:13

My ds is 19, he is away at university.

We are a low income family so this year we got the maximum grant, next year because my income has gone up slightly we won’t get the full amount.

I have asked ds to get a job to help provide his drinking money and odds and ends I have said I will try my best to help with the other bits.

He has made zero effort, he spends his whole time apparently getting stoned and pissed. He has used his birthday and his Christmas money so far to make ends meet.

He has interviews, doesn’t go to them. He is lazy beyond belief.

Now he is asking me for the deposit on a house and I will be expected to top him up to the £2k that i don’t have to make ends meet.

I’m devastated that he is behaving this way. He has been raised by a hard working single mum. I’ve had no help from his father. And I feel like he is just throwing it in my face.

I don’t know what to do. Part of me thinks leave him too it but I am his mum. Help!

OP posts:

Bagelsandbrie · 20/02/2022 12:36

Doesn’t he have some sort of overdraft? My dd used some of hers to fund her deposit for her house for next year.

Original poster

ItsDisneyBitch · 20/02/2022 13:21

No I don’t think so.

OP posts:

WallaceinAnderland · 20/02/2022 13:34

@ItsDisneyBitch

Do you know what hurts the most is that I’ve done so much to help him. I’ve worked so hard and his father has done absolutely fuck all. He is literally spitting in my face.

If I don’t make up the shortfall he can’t live there simple as and will have to come home.

He will only have himself to blame.

Just tell him you don't have it. He doesn't have the money, you don't have the money. Renting isn't an option for him right now. Keep it simple. Don't talk about jobs, etc. again as he already knows that.

Be sympathetic, made supportive noises but don't, under any circumstances, finance him because he will just keep taking and wasting it.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 20/02/2022 13:38

@Bagelsandbrie

Doesn’t he have some sort of overdraft? My dd used some of hers to fund her deposit for her house for next year.

Surely a bank will not give him an overdraft without a regular income?

fromagreatheight · 20/02/2022 13:48

@ItsDisneyBitch

Do you know what hurts the most is that I’ve done so much to help him. I’ve worked so hard and his father has done absolutely fuck all. He is literally spitting in my face.

If I don’t make up the shortfall he can’t live there simple as and will have to come home.

He will only have himself to blame.

This is one of the hardest parts about being a good parent, I think.

You do everything you can to care for them so they don't have any worries.

And the absence of those worries mean they genuinely have no idea how good they have it. How could they? They have nothing to compare it to, like you might.

So his lack of gratitude perhaps shows you just what a good job you've done of keeping the wolf from the door –AND I can completely get why it hurts.

DSS has been complaining about how DP is always aggressively on his case about things –while DP is the most rational, gentle human you could ever meet. DP, on the other hand, was raised by a very angry, violent man –so he's spent DSS's whole life making sure he never raises his voice to him.

DSS complaining about DP's aggression is so frustrating - he just wants to tell him "You have no idea what aggressive looks like - you have things so EASY!" –but at the same time, of course DSS has no idea how easy he has it... how could he? He's never experienced anything else. Which is exactly what DP set out to do.

Your son made his bed, he gets to lie in it –and maybe by doing so he'll start to see what you've been providing for him all this time.

misssunshine4040 · 20/02/2022 13:56

@ItsDisneyBitch

Do you know what hurts the most is that I’ve done so much to help him. I’ve worked so hard and his father has done absolutely fuck all. He is literally spitting in my face.

If I don’t make up the shortfall he can’t live there simple as and will have to come home.

He will only have himself to blame.

You are taking this way too personal. Your some will absolutely not be thinking he spitting in your face. It's not his fault you and his Dad split up:

I'm sure he appreciates all you have done and do but at 19 he's immature and needs to grow up. That's a life stage, not a personal insult.
Just don't pay anymore unnecessary money.
Don't act like a martyr and treat as if he letting you down because he is not.

FinallyHere · 20/02/2022 14:27

The rents are huge so I’m going to have to make up any shortfall.

I get that you want to support him but it really doesn't seem to be working out that well. I'm wondering whether he knows deep down that you think you 'have to' make up any shortfall.

Some way of demonstrating that you will only support him if he in putting in the work might be useful.

While I didn't appreciate it at the time, the most useful things my father ever did was to say no and stick to it. My mother could always be talked round but my fathers no was always final.

Bonbon21 · 20/02/2022 14:34

He is being a brat.
Time for tough love.
No more money.
If he cant get a job when he has 4 consecutive days off every week he simply isnt trying hard enough.
IF he wants the degree he is going to have to knuckle down and work for it AND work for cash to support himself.
If he doesnt want the degree he needs to drop out and GET A JOB AND SUPPORT HIMSELF.
Stay strong and do not give in..... you will still be supporting him in 10 years if you do.

HollowTalk · 20/02/2022 15:04

Banks do give students an overdraft, though once he knows this he's even less likely to get a job.

Weed is the biggest killer of ambition and hard work, IMO.

Bagelsandbrie · 20/02/2022 15:27

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo banks give student overdrafts if they arrange to have their student finance paid into that account - they don’t need a job. My dd has no job, maximum loans and grants etc and a bursary due to low income and Santander gave her £2k interest free overdraft. I’ve drummed it into her not to use it unless she absolutely has to but I am low income myself so at times she will need to, like for the house deposit which was £250.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 20/02/2022 16:07

Wow, didn't realise that about student overdrafts. Seems a very risky way of lending to Me.

ukborn · 20/02/2022 21:57

I'd cover the bare amount but if he needs money for socialising then that's up to him - and pay direct to the landlord or housing people not him.
Unless he's doing a degree that has a really high workload then perfectly reasonable to have a part time job, snd even if so the long Xmas/Easter and summer break are long enough to work to save gif the rest of the year. You have to be tough.

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