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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What would you do - teen called me a b**ch

54 replies

PurpleHollyhocks · 18/02/2022 09:30

So my DD13 is being a bit difficult at the moment to say the least. Very very rude and trying to use food as a control thing. Still eating decent breakfast and dinner and having some
Snacks but definitely trying to use it to upset me.
We are all at a bit of a low ebb as we have had Covid one after the other and I am currently laid low. DD making no allowances cos ‘you did nothing for me when I had it’ Hmm

Anyway today is PJ day in school and she heads out the door in a dressing gown and PJs, I tell her to put on coat but it’s not in the porch so she runs out.

I run around the house to find it, find it and then I shout down the road at her to come back. She’s obviously unhappy with this as I would have been (embarrassing mother and all that)

However she then calls me a bitch !

I didn’t have the strength to get into repercussions this morning, just wanted her out to school. My DH is keen that there is some kind of ‘punishment’

Is taking the phone away this evening enough/too much.

She’s our first, a complex enough kid, but immature to say the least

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Imsittinginthekitchensink · 18/02/2022 09:34

You brought that one on yourself I'm afraid. She absolutely should not have said it but a) she was wearing a dressing gown, why did she need a coat, B) as you point out, you embarrassed her and c) she did actually do as you asked in the end.
I'd say a brief chat about it, but accept your part in it getting to that point and move on. I say this as the mum of a 16 year old where that scenario would be seen as light banter compared to what I'm actually getting at the moment.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 18/02/2022 09:35

Low serious tone.. Remind her who she is speaking to..
And she gets to do something nice for you to remind her you deserve respect...
Let her keep phone but you keep the charger until tomorrow

Original poster
PurpleHollyhocks · 18/02/2022 09:36

@Imsittinginthekitchensink
Thank you. It’s raining here and 4 degrees so I thought that going out in a dressing gown was asking for another illness but I see what you mean. Maybe I need to let it go.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleHollyhocks · 18/02/2022 09:37

Thanks @Easterbunnyiswindowshopping. I do want her to know that this isn’t acceptable but I am wary of going too nuclear

OP posts:
GirlInACountrySong · 18/02/2022 09:40

Having had a difficult teen myself I learnt 3 things

1/ it lasts til around age 15...so buckle up
2/don't take away teens phones,restrict maybe, but don't remove
3/they come through the other side and you will laugh together about this stage one day!

Lesperance · 18/02/2022 09:43

You did NOT bring that on yourself. Don't listen to that advice. If she didn't want you to follow her, then she should have got her coat. If anything she brought it on herself.
I would have a long, tedious for her, detailed sit down with you, her and her dad and ask her to explain herself and how she thinks you made her feel. Go down the punishment route with her if she doesn't discuss it with you properly, and the conversation ends when she has understood.

Glowtastic · 18/02/2022 09:43

Just leave it. Both my DC leave for school with me worrying they'll get hypothermia! However they've managed so far. Pick your battles and you've got a long haul ahead of you. I get screeched at all the time by my. 15 year old dd, usually just make a mock screeching noise back and we end up laughing.

NellyDElephant · 18/02/2022 09:44

Pick your battles!
I am having similar with DD13 at moment, although she hasn’t yet resorted to saying rude things, to my face anyway!
I’d recommend a calm chat about respect and not being rude and remind her you don’t insult her, even though you might get cross and frustrated yourself.
She might surprise you and come through the door tonight with an apology - having reflected on her behaviour today. Maybe!
It’s hard to let go and not treat them like younger children, especially when they are behaving like one (I.e. going out without a coat!) but sometimes they have to learn through experience, and get cold & wet!

Original poster
PurpleHollyhocks · 18/02/2022 09:46

@NellyDElephant That’s exactly what my DH said, let her learn. And I probably should have done just that.!

OP posts:
HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 18/02/2022 09:47

I'm a big fan of natural consequences, in this case this would have been getting home today wet, cold and uncomfortable if she refused a coat.

However she called you a bitch which is unacceptable, it's unacceptable as an adult to resort to name calling and she needs to learn that. I expect that she has vague plans to be professional or liked as an adult and the kind of adults that scream Bitch at people are not seen as professional or liked.

So I think a serious conversation would be in order about speaking respectfully to people. She could have said 'mum I really don't want to wear a coat today, I accept I might get cold and wet but that's my choice' instead she stomped off and then shouted back at you. If she wants to be treated more as a grown up then she needs to act like one.

MichaelGovesBeard · 18/02/2022 09:50

My dd is the same age and if she ever called me a bitch I’d be furious. She can be a stroppy teenager all she likes but no way am I accepting that language being used against me and I’m shocked at the posters saying leave it.

The dressing gown in the freezing rain will be it’s own punishment though thankfully.

whysoserious123 · 18/02/2022 09:51

Heat of the moment she was embarrassed and said it to save face. She shouldn't of said it but 13 is such a rubbish age as your not a kid but not old enough to make life choices. Maybe just say to her what she said was shocking but you understand that you embarrassed her and although not acceptable you are will to let it go this time but next time if you embarrass her or not bad language especially directed to you will not be tolerated and she will have to learn a new way to deal with being embarrassed. That way you have given her a chance and she has been warned to better prepare herself

Bobbybobbins · 18/02/2022 09:53

Agree that you need to pick your battles - she is old enough to make that decision and face the consequences.

However calling you a bitch is unacceptable. I would sit her down after school and explain how much that hurt you - her reaction might guide you towards what to do next, eg if she apologised I would leave it but explain there will be consequences if it happens again, if she won't apologise some immediate consequence?

Original poster
PurpleHollyhocks · 18/02/2022 09:57

@Bobbybobbins Yes I think i might try this. Indignant is her first port of call but I will start by saying you need to think about how you react in this situation as there will be consequences if you don’t consider this maturely

OP posts:
YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 18/02/2022 09:59

You need to speak to her about it properly, don't go nuclear, but calmly explain to her that it's unacceptable to call you or anyone else a bitch, that you are disappointed in her, and all that stuff, don't take away her phone, be calm, and cool, just talk to her, tell her dinner is ready at 6 or whatever you do, and let that be the end of the conversation. The lack of punishment, and lack of a fight will shock her. She's probably expecting a bollocking when she gets home, don't give her what she's expecting.

She needs to know it's wrong because she'll be out with her friends in town, being the big "I am" and call the wrong person a bitch, and she will definitely get some natural consequences.

gingercat02 · 18/02/2022 10:00

13 yo don't do coats, just let it slide. She'll be cold and wet, no biggie, you don't get ill being cold. However embarrassing you were (and you were!) she does not get to call you a bitch. Discuss respect for each other when she gets home, but no punishment as such for a first offence

Original poster
PurpleHollyhocks · 18/02/2022 10:18

@gingercat02 Why the teen coat hatred Smile

In a storm heading out in PJs just seemed madness

OP posts:
Abbsie · 18/02/2022 10:27

Give her some control over her own choices.

She is old enough to choose to wear a coat or not.

Parent: "Its cold and raining, I think you should wear a coat
Teen: "I don't want to"
Parent: You'll get wet and cold"
Teen: "I don't want to"

That is as much parenting as is needed. You've advised, you've pointed out why. You leave teen to decided.

You don't need to be controlling teens on decisions like this.

(I would think "what a controlling bitch" if I oversaw your interaction. I wouldn't say that tho. Teens have less impulse control than 45yo women tho).

Original poster
PurpleHollyhocks · 18/02/2022 10:37

@Abbsie I am struggling a bit with that when it seems so non sensical. I mean she also wanted to wear furry mule slippers. It’s lashing rain ffs

OP posts:
FrecklesMalone · 18/02/2022 10:43

We're nearly on to teen four. Shouting, and punishment seems to result in the belief that they are justified in their actions. Another opportunity to shout and forget what the entire thing was all about. Instead I find that expressing your disappointment at their behaviour in low quiet terms is far more effective. Keep it short and sweet leave the room quietly and leave them to stew. Deadly. Grin

lljkk · 18/02/2022 10:45

irk... i suppose the first thing is getting her to agree that was uncalled for. However annoying you were. Blunt statements like "I would never call you that name, why did you think it was ok to say it to me?" Although framed as a question, you aren't looking for her to justify to you, you're getting her to justify to herself what she said. So the approach is really about getting her to agree she was out of order & owes you an apology. Even if it's reluctant and a "Yeah but" apology -- just get her to agree that word was out of order.

This is a BIG concession from a teenager (after all, they know everything already, how could they be wrong?).
I wouldn't go for punishment beyond that.
In turn, You can agree to leave her to make some bad decisions in future, much as you don't like it.

Original poster
PurpleHollyhocks · 18/02/2022 10:52

Ok thanks all for the advice. A calm sit down seems to be the consensus. I’m glad I came here. Parenting teens is bloody hard and I know I could have handled it better.

OP posts:
JustMaggie · 18/02/2022 10:52

Let it slide this time but if it happens again give her a glowering look and say "Excuse me?"

Abbsie · 18/02/2022 10:52

I am struggling a bit with that when it seems so non sensical. I mean she also wanted to wear furry mule slippers. It’s lashing rain ffs

Have you never made inappropriate clothing choices, for the sake of fashion?

Worn a strappy dress to a nightclub in the 90s?

Worn high heels for a job interview, but hated walking in them from the train station?

Gone for a night out in the city and not wanted to ruin your lookouts a coat?

If you've never made these choices, can you at least understand why others might?

Original poster
PurpleHollyhocks · 18/02/2022 10:57

@Abbsie Yes of course I did but not at 13. I wore my coat to school in winter.
My DD makes lots of choices I don’t agree with but I do let many of them slide. This time I obviously didn’t and perhaps it’s a bit over controlling to make a 13 year old put on a coat over PJs and a dressing gown in a storm, but at the time it seemed sensible and part of my job as a parent

OP posts:
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