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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What would you do - teen called me a b**ch

54 replies

PurpleHollyhocks · 18/02/2022 09:30

So my DD13 is being a bit difficult at the moment to say the least. Very very rude and trying to use food as a control thing. Still eating decent breakfast and dinner and having some
Snacks but definitely trying to use it to upset me.
We are all at a bit of a low ebb as we have had Covid one after the other and I am currently laid low. DD making no allowances cos ‘you did nothing for me when I had it’ Hmm

Anyway today is PJ day in school and she heads out the door in a dressing gown and PJs, I tell her to put on coat but it’s not in the porch so she runs out.

I run around the house to find it, find it and then I shout down the road at her to come back. She’s obviously unhappy with this as I would have been (embarrassing mother and all that)

However she then calls me a bitch !

I didn’t have the strength to get into repercussions this morning, just wanted her out to school. My DH is keen that there is some kind of ‘punishment’

Is taking the phone away this evening enough/too much.

She’s our first, a complex enough kid, but immature to say the least

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
London1987 · 18/02/2022 11:10

@Imsittinginthekitchensink

You brought that one on yourself I'm afraid. She absolutely should not have said it but a) she was wearing a dressing gown, why did she need a coat, B) as you point out, you embarrassed her and c) she did actually do as you asked in the end. I'd say a brief chat about it, but accept your part in it getting to that point and move on. I say this as the mum of a 16 year old where that scenario would be seen as light banter compared to what I'm actually getting at the moment.
She brought this on herself!? For trying to get his child to wear a coat during a storm. Okay then. Calling your parent a bitch is not acceptable. Period.
Original poster
PurpleHollyhocks · 18/02/2022 11:14

@London1987 Undoubtedly I could have handled it better but I am not sure that as @Imsittinginthekitchensink is recommending, we are at the point where totally hands off parenting is on the cards

OP posts:
DoItAfraid · 18/02/2022 11:14

@Lesperance

You did NOT bring that on yourself. Don't listen to that advice. If she didn't want you to follow her, then she should have got her coat. If anything she brought it on herself. I would have a long, tedious for her, detailed sit down with you, her and her dad and ask her to explain herself and how she thinks you made her feel. Go down the punishment route with her if she doesn't discuss it with you properly, and the conversation ends when she has understood.
Totally agree with this advice.

She needs to explain herself. She was very very rude.

Abbsie · 18/02/2022 11:17

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.

I'm on teen #3 (of four). I think you did your job as a parent by stressing the importance of a coat and explaining why. Insisting she came back and removing her choice went too far imo.

As for calling you a bitch. That would have got a sharp "Ay! You DO NOT speak to me like that" and a teacher-stare. But that would be the beginning and end if it got me, assuming its a one-off with some degree justification (you were bring controlling), rather than unprovoked and nasty.

Mandofan · 18/02/2022 11:18

Unacceptable. I would sit her down and make it clear swearing at you is not on. I’m almost 30 and have never sweared at my mum. Obviously we’ve had words but I wouldn’t dare swear at her. It’s so disrespectful

crosbystillsandmash · 18/02/2022 11:24

Definitely pick your battles as others have said!
I'm the other side of this, dd was evil until she was about 16, she's now 21 and my best friend.
We now laugh about some of the stuff she said and did and she's extremely remorseful!
Hang in there op Brew

Earlydancing · 18/02/2022 11:27

[quote PurpleHollyhocks]@Abbsie Yes of course I did but not at 13. I wore my coat to school in winter.
My DD makes lots of choices I don’t agree with but I do let many of them slide. This time I obviously didn’t and perhaps it’s a bit over controlling to make a 13 year old put on a coat over PJs and a dressing gown in a storm, but at the time it seemed sensible and part of my job as a parent[/quote]
Yes, definitely controlling asking her to put on proper shoes and a coat in a red alert storm! 🙄

You did nothing wrong. No one was more horrible than me during the teenage years but I always managed to control my language. Indeed, my mum's in her 80s now and I'm in my 60s and I have never and would never call her a bitch...and she can be! Lol.

Billybagpuss · 18/02/2022 11:27

See how she is when she gets home, it’s possibly not worth mentioning it as it’ll be several hours passed the event and in teen drama world that’s forever. If she comes home wanting sympathy because her fluffy slippers are ruined maybe calmly say you didn’t appreciate it but other than that pick your battles.

If it happens again (it probably will) a calm please don’t speak to me like that, then disengage and walk away. When it happens they are either trying to save face in front of friends or trying to get a reaction. She knows it’s not acceptable.

BottleOfSun · 18/02/2022 11:32

@Imsittinginthekitchensink

You brought that one on yourself I'm afraid. She absolutely should not have said it but a) she was wearing a dressing gown, why did she need a coat, B) as you point out, you embarrassed her and c) she did actually do as you asked in the end. I'd say a brief chat about it, but accept your part in it getting to that point and move on. I say this as the mum of a 16 year old where that scenario would be seen as light banter compared to what I'm actually getting at the moment.
Brought it on herself by having her daughters best interests at heart and worrying she’s going to get wet and cold!?

OP speak to her when she gets home and explain she can’t yell abuse at someone when she doesn’t like something or something doesn’t go her own way. Next time she might say it to the wrong person and come unstuck. Totally disrespectful to you.

pickingdaisies · 18/02/2022 11:38

Wow, I'm aghast at the number of people who think the OP was at fault. There's no way I'd have let my daughter out into storm Eunice in a dressing gown and slippers. A 13 year old will have never experienced a storm like it and has no idea what's coming. And calling me a bitch - consequences. If it's the first time she's done anything like it, then a serious talk as suggested. But she's still a child, and children need boundaries. And it's looking like a lot them aren't getting any. Good luck OP.

DelphiniumBlue · 18/02/2022 11:42

Parent of 3 adult sons here.
They would have never called me a bitch to my face, but I'm pretty sure they have mouthed it at my back and when talking about me to each other.
If they had, I think DH and I would have spoken to them together and then let them reflect on it. I suspect your DD will be pretty shame-faced and you may well get an apology. If you don't, then is the time to have the discussion.
And then pick your battles - at 13 she is old enough to know whether she wants a coat or not...and how do you put a coat over a dressing gown anyway?? All my DC refused to wear a coat to secondary school as there was nowhere to put it once they were there. They have lived to tell the tale, although there were days when they must have been freezing!

Cas112 · 18/02/2022 12:02

@Imsittinginthekitchensink

You brought that one on yourself I'm afraid. She absolutely should not have said it but a) she was wearing a dressing gown, why did she need a coat, B) as you point out, you embarrassed her and c) she did actually do as you asked in the end. I'd say a brief chat about it, but accept your part in it getting to that point and move on. I say this as the mum of a 16 year old where that scenario would be seen as light banter compared to what I'm actually getting at the moment.
Jesus please do not listen to this. You didn't bring this on yourself and a 13 year old child should not be calling there mother a bitch
Glowtastic · 18/02/2022 12:04

Yep there's nowhere to put them once at school and they don't want to drag them round all day. I would have felt the same, my 15 year old dd now decides when to wear her coat as we've met her have some autonomy over it. Most of the time she chooses wisely.

gingercat02 · 18/02/2022 12:04

[quote PurpleHollyhocks]@gingercat02 Why the teen coat hatred Smile

In a storm heading out in PJs just seemed madness[/quote]
No idea but you couldn't pay my 13 ds to wear a coat to school

DropYourSword · 18/02/2022 12:10

I wouldn't have forced the coat issue but I'd be furious if my child called me a bitch!!
Think that would earn the bug eyed staredown and an "EXCUSE me? You do NOT call me that. Ever. Do you understand?!" I wouldn't have let it slide at the point it occurred.

Oblomov22 · 18/02/2022 12:12

It's not okay to me, the choice of word. When she gets home I would very calmly say to her, something like : " I didn't like the choice of word you said to me this morning. you called me a bitch and that's not ok. no matter what happens please don't ever use that word to me again, I won't tolerate it. "

thenewduchessoflapland · 18/02/2022 12:13

Teenagers are arseholes;I have 3 nearly 4 teens (youngest is 13 in a few weeks);people think I'm mad when I say that I'd rather go back through the baby/toddler stage again sometimes than deal with moody teenagers.

Oldest is nearly 18 and he's much nicer to deal with these days;once their out of secondary and into college with part time jobs they tend to be easier or at least more reasonable to contend with.

Oblomov22 · 18/02/2022 12:14

I too Completely disagree with kitchensink post.

User48751490 · 18/02/2022 12:15

DS (14) called DH a c*nt last month. He was immediately grounded. No privileges. For a week.

You have my sympathies.

schnubbins · 18/02/2022 12:19

It's so tough having teenager/ young adults .In our house it seemed for years that one one of them stopped causing trouble the other would start anew.My two boys are early 20's and doing just fine .My advice is just to go with your heart and never ever give up .

Fantasea · 18/02/2022 15:19

Mum of adult DD here. With the wisdom of hindsight, I'd let the coat thing go, but as for calling you a bitch, I certainly would not let that one slide. I would say, you should speak to her about how swearing and name calling is never acceptable. Point out how her teachers and certainly her friends wouldn't put up with this sort of behaviour, a simple 'no-one will like you' might help her understand.

HollowTalk · 18/02/2022 17:46

@User48751490

DS (14) called DH a c*nt last month. He was immediately grounded. No privileges. For a week.

You have my sympathies.

The trouble is with grounding them is that you end up with the problem. Mine used to follow me around the house complaining when they were grounded until I felt like I was going mad.
spotcheck · 18/02/2022 17:59

I'm floored at the people who say it's ok for a 13 year old to go out in pyjamas and slippers. Really? In a storm? Surely part of parenting is to keep them safe? I also would not be please that slippers I paid for would likely get trashed outside, in the rain. But, that's just me

There is no way I'd accept being called a bitch. I would have a chat, but personally I would ask if she would be happy to say it while looking at you straight in the eye. I would also say that she's been given a warning, and if it ever happened again ( whether it is next week, or a year from now) there will be consequences.

Bakewelltart987 · 18/02/2022 18:01

If my dc spoke me so disrespectful it wouldn't just be the phone they lose. Letting her off with this behaviour is ridiculous it will only get worse if not addressed.

Blossom64265 · 18/02/2022 18:03

Teen coat battles are not worth fighting.

I would either ignore the comment or have a calm discussion later about using respectful language. We all slip up on words and that includes teens.