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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

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26 replies

Doubledoodlemummy · 15/02/2022 16:43

Have any of you got any positive stories of their teen girls turning around their life at secondary?
My daughter is friendless at school- her best friend has moved to a different country and she’s now alone for most of the time.
We’ve talked about just chatting to people and being open to starting conversations, asking people questions and getting them to talk about themselves but it’s harder than it seems when you aren’t a naturally outgoing person.
Up to now there’s been no problems with the other children- but today one of the ‘popular girls’ commented that my daughter would be off to eat her lunch alone in the toilets! (Not the case but still!)
It seems that she’s now got labelled as ‘strange’ or a loner and the other children don’t want to be associated with her - how does she turn this around?
She doesn’t want to leave school as it’s an excellent one academically and she’s doing really well but can’t see how she can survive this unhealthy environment for very long.

OP posts:
Mediumred · 15/02/2022 18:49

That’s a nasty and thoughtless thing of popular girl to say but it might just be taken as a throwaway remark by other children, unless the school is very small I wouldn’t have thought one such remark would put a label on your daughter with the whole year.

Are there any kids in any lessons who seem a little more approachable or any clubs she could join at lunchtime. I would also be approaching her form teacher and maybe pastoral support, she won’t be the first kid that has felt alone and they may have some strategies and know some other ones in the same boat. Also at 13 she should be choosing her options soon so will be doing different classes/meeting different people next year but I appreciate that seems a long time away when you are so young. Good luck to her, it’s lovely you want to support her so much.

Mediumred · 15/02/2022 18:50

Oh sorry, don’t know why I thought she was 13, which year is she in? If it’s just y7 could she move forms for a fresh start?

whysoserious123 · 15/02/2022 19:10

Teenage girls are the devil

The best way for your daughter to survive this is not too care but of course if she does then there's not a lot you can do, is there any clubs she could join in school for lunch times and or after school? Would she consider joking a club outside of school and a chance to meet new people ? How old is your daughter ? Would she make friends with anyone in the year above or below ? Could you get chatting to one of the children in her years class and then invite her over to yours and tell her to bring her daughter ? Could you have a little get together and ask your daughter to invite people over ? It's so hard but it's not forever, she may feel bad now but just reassure her that how she feels now won't last

whysoserious123 · 15/02/2022 19:11

Could you get chatting to one of the children all MUMS in her years class and then invite her over to yours

Movingonup22 · 15/02/2022 19:15

Clubs out of school I think!

Original poster
Doubledoodlemummy · 15/02/2022 19:15

She’s year 8 so nearly 13- you must have psychic powers! 😊
Yes the school are now on board and being supportive. It’s taken a few weeks for her to accept that school need to be informed and they’re being supportive.
No clubs at lunch I’m afraid- that would really help but none are available.
Yes think she’s taken the throw away comment as a sign of something bigger but looking at it with clarity it’s probably just something someone said for ‘a laugh.’

Thank you for your response x

OP posts:
whysoserious123 · 15/02/2022 19:18

Can you get onto the school to get them to out some sort of clubs on at lunchtime, even if there is a teacher willling to open their classroom room up for lunchtime and students can go in there just ti 'hang out' during lunch ? Being a teenager in this day and age is so hard

Original poster
Doubledoodlemummy · 15/02/2022 19:22

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond.
She does a few out of school activities- nothing that has led to ‘friendships’ but at least it gives her interests. She gave up lots of her interests when Covid started but has now restarted.

I don’t know any of the mums at the school- we don’t live close by and work so can’t really make relationships with the mums. Wish it was primary school where it was so easy to cultivate friendships.

OP posts:
trumpisagit · 15/02/2022 19:22

Is the library open at lunchtime?

Would moving tutor group/ class help?
There will be other girls who feel the same, but finding them is probably tricky.
Does she do guides or out of school sport?

fruitypancake · 15/02/2022 19:25

That sounds hard.. yes agree there must be others. Could the year head find a nice small group and ask them to buddy up with your DD ?

Original poster
Doubledoodlemummy · 15/02/2022 19:38

Yes she does music/dance out of school- she isn’t really sporty.
The school are planning to tweak some seating plans and she goes to the library at break so school seems hoping to encourage a group to develop in there.
Think we just need to give it time and keep everything crossed for some positive developments.

OP posts:
Movingonup22 · 15/02/2022 19:49

This was me at school. I later ended up being good friends with a girl who was in the cool gang years ago. She said it was BRUTAL and she used to envy that I was out of it all. So not to underestimate ho hard it is for your daughter - it’s really not all happiness in the in gang. What I wish I’d had was a strong out of school group or really just another way to shore up my self esteem. To be honest even a really safe confident home should be enough to shore up her self esteem x

parrotonmyshoulder · 15/02/2022 20:07

This is very similar to my DD’s story (I had threads on it) but in our case the school were very unsupportive. There were other school issues too - safeguarding and teaching related - that contributed to us moving her.

If your school have ideas and are interested in helping, that’s great. Also if your DD is continuing with her outside interests. Mine had lost all of that as well.

Wordlewobble · 15/02/2022 20:23

@whysoserious123 if Op’s DD is 13 it is extremely difficult to meet other mums and kids of 13 don’t want their mums trying to organise their social lives.

Years 7 and 8 can be really rough. DD had a hellish time. But towards the end of year 8 things really turned around and she found a small group of quiet, less popular, less mainstream girls to hang around with. OP your DD will find her tribe. At least she has kept communication channels open with you OP.

OP - Might she consider counselling to help with her confidence and coping strategies? My DD wouldn’t hear of it but I think it would have really helped her in the short and longer term.

whysoserious123 · 15/02/2022 20:51

@Wordlewobble
Well obviously, I meant in a discreet way. Make friends with other mothers in her own tights and then just say does your daughter want to come over too. It was just a thought and I have several ideas ! You never know there may be another mother thinking the exact same wishing one of the other mothers would reach out so they could be friends as a cover for their children to become friends. Im the same as everyone else so would do anything for my children so doing the above wouldn't be difficult for me and my child would be mine the wiser

whysoserious123 · 15/02/2022 20:52

In their own rights* (not tights)Grin

blueplantpop · 15/02/2022 21:09

My DS who is not overly confident had a miserable year 8, think he used to wander around the playground by himself and had a bit of a frenimy situation going on. He is finding year 9 much better, as they have moved to GCSE options all the kids have been mixed up and he has made some nice new friends. Not easy for us mums though. Agree it’s hard to make contacts with other parents once they are at secondary school, just doesn’t really happen.

Wordlewobble · 15/02/2022 21:17

Its ok we would all do our best for our children but here once they go to Secondary School their are no opportunities to meet other mothers as the kids all walk to school so it would be difficult to make contact with other mothers of kids of that age.

sofakingcool · 15/02/2022 21:24

That's a shame about no clubs at lunchtime, DS's school runs them daily as they know it's particularly good for those that are struggling with friendships

I think someone has already suggested the school library, but if not, is this somewhere she could go? Again DS's school makes the library a good spot for anyone feeling a bit lost

whysoserious123 · 15/02/2022 21:29

@Wordlewobble

Its ok we would all do our best for our children but here once they go to Secondary School their are no opportunities to meet other mothers as the kids all walk to school so it would be difficult to make contact with other mothers of kids of that age.
I'd make it clear everyone including me would do anything for their children hence why I said 'Im the same as everyone else so would do anything for my children'

I hear what your saying that it's harder than when they are small but not impossible and I could do it but I'm a sociable person. It was only a suggestion and I suggested plenty of other options which were directed to the OP. ISNT it weird on here that you say something to the OP and random people take it upon themselves to directly tag you in a message and hit pick on one point. Very odd

lljkk · 15/02/2022 22:31

yr9 DS says he has friends at school, lately, when he seemed to have almost no friends in yr7-8. Covid controls sure didn't help. Remote learning sucks for social life, and happiness/success at school is all about the social life.

Original poster
Doubledoodlemummy · 16/02/2022 07:06

Yes- I remember feeling quite smug that my children had all come through lockdown quite happily. They all got on with their work and were happy and content with being at home only now are we seeing the true cost. The staff at school have said that the year 8 and 9 children are the ones struggling now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doubledoodlemummy · 16/02/2022 07:08

@parrotonmyshoulder

This is very similar to my DD’s story (I had threads on it) but in our case the school were very unsupportive. There were other school issues too - safeguarding and teaching related - that contributed to us moving her.

If your school have ideas and are interested in helping, that’s great. Also if your DD is continuing with her outside interests. Mine had lost all of that as well.

How did your daughter get on with the move? It would be a last resort but at the moment I’m keeping our options open.
OP posts:
parrotonmyshoulder · 16/02/2022 20:22

The move has been brilliant, but we were fortunate to be in the position of being able to choose a very, very small independent school that suits her needs. She was in such a low place when we took her out of year 8 that she couldn’t have set foot in another large school to try again.
We are in an area with no other state secondaries within 50 minutes and only one out of four of those had space in the year group and it was so similar to where she was.
Nothing was changing in the school. They didn’t see there was a problem as she was turning up each day and doing some work. I had a child who was unable to be left for 5 minutes in a room on her own as she was so anxious.

3totheright4totheleft · 18/02/2022 16:07

This rings so many bells for me - my daughter is also friendless. She's got people to vaguely hang around with at school but they never contact her outside of school or invite her anywhere (she announced quite casually the other day that they were all going to someone's birthday but she hadn't been included). She's tried asking to meet up, and tried clubs....to be honest I have have given up and just waiting for GCSE groups to come along. Unfortunately this all means we are in the house together a lot and driving each other nuts.