Does this fall into normal teen behaviour?

[Spongecakeandcoffee]

I have an almost 14 year old ds.

I'm finding him such hard work and at times he's making me feel quite unwell.

My biggest bugbear is that he doesn't take care of his stuff. He has nice things that he's had for Christmas and birthdays. Nice hoodies get left outside in the garden. He treats his electronics roughly. If for example I ask him to come off his phone, console or laptop he will slam them down hard in anger. I've warned him if they get broken they will not be replaced but he mocks me and claims he hasn't done anything.

Simple things are a nightmare to get him to do. Just putting his own bag, shoes and coat away can result in an angry outburst from him. I just expect a basic level of him picking up after himself and doing a few very basic chores like taking out recycling when I ask. But it causes daily arguments and aggression from him. He does things in the end but it's exhausting and causes so much unnecessary tension.

I try and always have done to do nice things together that appeal to everyone's interests but he very often ruins days out by being demanding and selfish. For example a simple family bike ride he causes an argument over which way we are riding. A theme park he will demand lunch from the minute we get there and demand to go on all his rides first.

He will tell us to shut up and piss off and that we are annoying.

I'm so tired. I try to speak to him and outline that there are some basic house rules that I expect him to follow. He says he agrees but then it all goes to pot after a few days.

I have an almost 14YO DD and honestly, she’s not much better than your DS!

I expect her to

• load and unload the dishwasher
• put her clothes away (after I’ve washed, dried, folded and hung them on hangers!)
• bring her laundry down

Does she do it? Does she fuck. It’s like dealing with Kevin and Perry.

She regularly comes into my bedroom at 6am to tell me she can’t find any clean pants, then kicks off when I ask if she put them away properly or if they’re still on her stairs (attic bedroom), or if she’s tossed them somewhere random in her room.

Or if she even bought her dirty laundry down! Drives me fucken nuts.

I told her this week that if I come down to dishes on the side, I’ll be removing her phone that afternoon after school finishes (I like her to take it to school for safety as it’s quite a long walk in a busy area).

I’ve also decided she can learn how to do laundry being as she brings hers down at 9pm on a Sunday, or not at all if she’s been at her Dads that weekend.

I don't think I'd be going on days out with someone who treated me like that. I'd go out on my own and leave him behind.

My son is 14 and although he doesn't kick off about doing things he simply doesn't do them!
Clothes left all over thr floor,cups in his room,loses or damages his belongings.
The main one for us now is girls!!
A different girlfriend every month or two and loves bites on his neck.
Leaving the house and not coming home for hours without telkjng us where he is going.
I know everyone warmed me about thr teenage years but Jesus! It is so hard and draining.

I wouldn't tolerate any of that. At the first sign of any grumpiness or rudeness I sit them down and calmly explain that it won't be tolerated because we all live here, we all have to compromise, and it creates a nasty environment that I'm not prepared to live in.
I'd stop the days out. No phone time or x box or whatever, until all jobs are done - Whatever that may be - either emptying the dishwasher or pairing the socks.

To be fair my DD doesn’t swear at me or call me names, but she does the dramatic sighs, throws herself around (it’s actually hilarious, an overgrown toddler strop!).

She’s also fairly sure she’s a lesbian so no boy worries

She works hard at school and is in the top sets for every subject, her arrogance is off the scale - however that’s exactly how I was at that age My Grandparents think it’s hilarious.

Hi OP,
Sympathies as a fellow parent of teens!
I have a points system for my son to accrue. This is linked to his screen time.
I also have a chore rota that is linked to the points. They do very minimum chores and it's only emptying the dishwasher and laying the breakfast table at the moment.
They also have to do their own washing and pegging of washed clothes.
It's not a perfect system we fall off the wagon several times but it vaguely works.
I have found I absolutely need to be consistent in setting up rules, keeping rota and points up to date, following up on consequences etc.
It is hard work and there are days I wish i could crawl into a hole and gave none of this to deal with.
Xx

I totally get why would I want to take him anywhere with his behaviour?

But it's so difficult. I worry about his happiness and mental health if I don't get him out doing things. He'd just live in his room.

He has a younger sibling so his sibling shouldn't have to miss out, but I feel that if I was to leave ds behind it would push him further away,

Normal? Probably. Acceptable? Absolutely not.

@Spongecakeandcoffee

I totally get why would I want to take him anywhere with his behaviour?

But it's so difficult. I worry about his happiness and mental health if I don't get him out doing things. He'd just live in his room.

He has a younger sibling so his sibling shouldn't have to miss out, but I feel that if I was to leave ds behind it would push him further away,

Yes, I agree, it’s not always as simple as ‘well if he does x, you do y, and that will teach him a lesson’. Things are a lot more complex than that, I find!

It's not normal behaviour.

When I was a teenager I wouldn't dare swear to my parents, lol.

You're probably way too soft on him

My 15 YO is better than my 18 YO, they both leave their clothes on the floor, can't put their coats away or shoes.
Tbh, they don't really have set chores, but if I need them to tidy their room, I do ask them to do this when they ask for something or if they need taking anywhere like to the cinema, to meet their friends, or want a treat. It's surprising how they can hop to it, when they need to.
The older one is more verbal than his younger brother. But if the youngest gets mouthy, we just take everything away until he asks for it back, I find this the appropriate time to chat about it as he's calmed down and is more inclined to listen.
To be fair the eldest spoke to me like that when he was that age and he really doesn't anymore unless I'm really nagging him. I've found that he's a lot better now he's older, verbally wise.
I think it depends on more than one reason why they are like they are, they need lots of patience at this age even though he may seem disrespectful now.

I wouldn't have sworn at mine either, but then I had no kind of relationship at all with my own parents especially my dad 🤷‍♀️

I do give ds consequences. I remove things like his phone if he won't listen. I make him do the things I ask whether he likes it or not, It just takes such a drama to get there that it exhausts me.

I really wish I knew why he was like this 🤷‍♀️

He's doing ok at school. He hasn't got loads of friends but he has got a small group that he goes round with at school and as far as I can tell he gets on with everyone. He's actually quite meek with his friends and I suspect that he isn't all that confident even though he mouths off at us. But I'm not sure what more I could do for him to build his confidence. I've got him involved with lots of hobbies and sports, i try to be active with him which is why we do bike rides, loads of walking, running I figure that exercise is good and free, but it doesn't seem to make any difference.

@Takeitonthechin I don't have a specific list of chores either. Not sure where I'm going wrong.

My general expectation is that he can have 30 minutes or so after school to relax and unwind, have a snack and a drink. Then I want him to put his own things away and give me a hand with whatever needs doing. It's only a few small things, it might be unloading the dishwasher, or taking the recycling out, putting his own washing away, nothing major but I want him to do it without angry outbursts.

My ds is almost 13. He is also meek with his friends and I believe he is very well- behaved at school just explodes at us over the slightest thing.
He has recently started to try and bribe us into giving him things promising he will behave better if we top up his phone or buy him something he's after and I'm embarrassed to say I've given in at times as this awful behavior just makes me feel ill- not that it makes any difference as he soon starts being awful again.
I don't ask much of him just picking up clothes, sorting his school bag and things like bringing his washing downstairs yet everything is met with swearing and angst.
I really think I've done too much for him in the past and wish I'd given him more responsibility for himself when he was younger as he's been used to having absolutely everything done for him.
He's taller and bigger than me now so not sure removing items would work as I wouldn't trust him when he's in a temper.
Just sharing my experience OP and following your thread for tips and advice.

I wouldn't put up with being sworn at (that would be a phone confiscation/grounding level issue for me).

The rest? Normal teenager stuff

Getting a 14yo on a family bike ride is nothing short of miraculous so you're not doing too badly

@Oblomov22
I wouldn't tolerate any of that. At the first sign of any grumpiness or rudeness I sit them down and calmly explain that it won't be tolerated because we all live here, we all have to compromise, and it creates a nasty environment that I'm not prepared to live in.
I'd stop the days out. No phone time or x box or whatever, until all jobs are done - Whatever that may be - either emptying the dishwasher or pairing the socks

And what would you do after this calm chat when he loses his temper with his single mum, swears at her, punches the wall until his knuckles bleed and then shoots out the door on his bike? She's tried locking all the doors and he just follows her round yelling and swearing until he bullies her into giving in. He's turned into a nasty hateful monster and I don't know what advice to give my daughter. We've set boundaries when he's calm but at the flick of a switch, he's off on one. It all sounds so simple 'I wouldn't stand for it' comments but, trust me, it isn't.

Teens are not as illogical as many think they are. If they sulk and get their way, they correctly work out that sulking is the way ahead.

They are hormonal and can be moody, but they can manage their moods. Most are not grumpy or rude when out with friends.

I think a good rule of thumb is to regard yourself as an interesting person and to think that they are lucky to get your company. So, moany or whining behaviour gets them some alone time.

Screens, of course , are the bugbear, but leave them home without the internet, or apply screen time to their devices.

And, when they get old enough to live independently, make abundantly clear that living with you requires following basic rules of decency.

All the above may seem old fashioned, but it is exactly how schools manage behaviour, and certainly employers. It is only in modern western societies that teens are allowed to effectively rule the roost.

I think you're being strict about the wrong things. I have twin boys who are 14 (and three other teens). The way they speak to me and the respect for others is the only thing I'm really strict about, completely non negotiable, but the tidying things away and doing things around the house I encourage but don't enforce. I don't do their laundry unless they ask for help and I don't tidy their rooms. I talk to them all a lot about expectations and making good decisions for themselves. I don't confiscate things but then they are kind and respectful most of the time. I was very strict about behaviour when they were little though. It's all about being respectful towards each other in my experience

I agree with MissSmiley. I do all the laundry but not putting away, items are only washed if they are in the laundry basket. I don't pick anything up from bedroom floors. If they need something that hasn't been washed because it wasn't in the bin then that's tough, but I don't react. I too remind my DC that we all live together and are a family and we all need to muck in. My DS knows that there is no gaming until homework and any chores are done. He doesn't have many so it's not difficult.

If a child of mine behaved like that there would be no theme park trips out, lunch etc and it would be clear why. I also don't engage with shouting and swearing, just walk away, that's not how you communicate.

I think it’s all linked to actual behaviour and the type of person they grow into. If it were my ds I’d be sitting down and speaking about respect, kindness, also how would he feel if I was gone? He needs to appreciate how much I do for him, I won’t be around forever. Those types of conversations I’d have with a 14 year old. I’d stop treats ect, no his nice clothes aren’t washed as they weren’t in the bin ect so he learns through natural consequences.
I would remove myself if he shouted or said anything unkind, and after I would explain how hurtful, rude and actually downright unnecessary his behaviour was. It’s silly and childish and downright wrong to hurt the ones you love, who love you the most.

I’d work on improving his behaviour and explaining to him about doing well in life relationships and the work place. These years are so important.

@MissSmiley

I think you're being strict about the wrong things. I have twin boys who are 14 (and three other teens). The way they speak to me and the respect for others is the only thing I'm really strict about, completely non negotiable, but the tidying things away and doing things around the house I encourage but don't enforce. I don't do their laundry unless they ask for help and I don't tidy their rooms. I talk to them all a lot about expectations and making good decisions for themselves. I don't confiscate things but then they are kind and respectful most of the time. I was very strict about behaviour when they were little though. It's all about being respectful towards each other in my experience

Everything here! Behaviour is the most important thing. Everything else falls into place of you have a kind ds or dd. As they will want to help muck in, tidy and appreciate their things. :)

DS13 is not allowed on consoles all day after seeing at me, banging, crashing etc after I asked him to hand the PS over to his brother after 'only' 4 hours of Fifa.

He gets oddly fixated on me being illogical or things not making sense (as the day before he had longer as only he was off school, yesterday they were both off)

We've got through goodness knows how many ps controllers (he has to buy them) where he's slammed them down in anger.

No advice just solidarity