Severely depressed DS, feels suicidal, wont take help, just don't know what to do

[Yankydoodledandy]

DS is severely depressed, feels suicidal although with no intent he says.

His birthday today turned 17 and I pulled out all the stops to make it great for him. He got up literally opened his cards and few presents and through each one down as he opened them, hardly spoke and grunted and went back upstairs. Has been extremely rude, ungrateful and just utterly horrible. Im trying so hard to understand and have said Im so sorry he's feeling like this, Im always here to talk to, I love him and these feelings wont last forever even though he may feel like they will. Ive asked and chatted what we can we do to help or make it somewhat better but he just keeps saying Im severely depressed and I dont know the half of what's wrong.

Ive suggested we speak to the GP or a therapist - been given some contacts from a Dr friend. He says why pay someone lots of money to listen to him when they aren't interested it's just their job. I've tried to explain they maybe able to help him understand why he's feeling like this. Everything I say is thrown back with such anger and hatred.

He has spoken to a teacher at college who rang me - he suggested he wrote down some feelings of positives and negatives then make contact with him in his own time to chat through. He hasn't.

I just don't know where to go with this. I feel a bit out of my depth. My Dr friend has suggested I call the GP to chat through and then make an appointment for DS - she said referrals can be made but there is a huge backlog

Any advice at all no matter what would be welcome

It’s tough. We went through this with DS17 this time last year. It was devastating and the parent in you just wants to fix it and you can’t. I found that backing off a little and just letting him talk helped but I had to learn to listen and resist the urge to offer solutions or try and fix it.
I spoke to my GP who suggested an online text support site. I can’t remember the name but they find that texting is often easier for this age group since it is the medium they are familiar with.
It has taken nearly a year of ups and downs. He has has his first serious relationship in that time and when it ended I was dreading the fallout but was surprised how well he has worked through it. I was also diagnosed with breast cancer in the summer and I think having seen DH & I handled it has helped him see how we as adults deal with anxiety and stress.
I don’t think he is fully recovered but he is far more focused and seems to have started to see a future.

A bit of advice from the front line, as it were - you have just under one year until the NHS refuses to deal with you should you try to make an appointment or speak on his behalf. Even at 17 you'll find a some medical staff are reluctant to speak to you unless your DC gives his clear consent.

(They will speak to you post-18 - but you will have to specify that he's a danger to you, others or himself; and that's a hard place to go.)

I'd book an appointment while you can and tell him he's absolutely worth it.

Thank you.
Yes Ive found from.a parent point of view...Young Minds is helpful. Just reading their posts like the other said sit back and listen...as you say @AngryMum22.

Even though he's just 17 still a child. But yes def will get onto the GP.

I have 2 private contacts of councillors of childrens MH. Is it worth contacting them. So much in the press about CAMHS waiting lists etc.

What's the best way forward do you think:

Speak to the GP first
College team or nurse if there is one
Or go to a private councillor

So sorry to hear that you’re having such a tough time. In my experience the GP was useless, recommended Young Minds and other local text and phone based groups, I was expecting a referral to NHS therapy, but nothing was offered.
We have found a local counsellor (weekly then fortnightly sessions) and DC17 actively enjoys the sessions now. Expensive but worth it for us.
DC has some coping skills now for the difficult days.

Kooth is a good text based service for young people, with counsellors, forums that are closely monitored etc.

I would go to the GP, be very clear about what he has said. If antidepressants are prescribed watch him very closely for the first few weeks as in young people they can increase suicidal feelings until they kick in properly. You need to advocate for him and keep bothering doctors and services until they help.

Text groups what actually are these?

Head of college pulled DS out of class this morning (He has just text me) saying she's concerned he doesnt seem himself. He said he's struggling with his MH but doesnt want to talk to her about it - she said she will call me to see how she can help.

So how do I approach this - do I tell her everything - Im really feeling out of my depth here.

Any advice would be welcome @CherryAndAlmond and @LovelyLupins @SpinningTheSeedsOfLove @Angrymum22 or anyone!

I would be completely open and tell everything. When someone is suicidal you must share information. Also if THEY can make contact with GPs or other services it may have more weight than calls from you. It shouldn't be that way but that's the reality.

The other thing I would say is that at this point he should not feel added pressure, eg studies. Everything can be redone - he needs to know that. The priority is that he is supported and knows he is loved.

Thank you Cherry.

He's on a guest trial at the college as he started late - he was doing a sport and studying abroad but due ot Covid had to come back and stay plus it wasnt what he was expecting and I think some of that is contributing to his depression but I really do feel it's something else - I cant get out of my head what he said about "You dont know the half of it". He does have a girlfriend but they are on and off he says she annoys him - I have asked her what she thinks it is but she hasnt said much to me but did say he has horrible dreams sometimes that's why he doesnt like to sleep sometimes.

He needs to talk this all out with someone neutral that he trusts so will see what college says and what they can do to support as a first instance and take it from there

Yes you absolutely do need to let the college know in case he tries anything silly / dangerous/ fatal at school. It's not uncommon.

He needs meds asap contact your GP.

MH services for children have a massive backlog, years, but your son should be seen fairly quickly fingers crossed if he's suicidal.

If you get really worried you can have him sectioned for his own good. But maybe wait till he's 18 for that. Look at what your local MH institutions are like.

Does he take any drugs ie smoke weed that you know of - that won't help matters

It might help if he drops out of college for now gets an easy part time job like stacking shelves, so he can zone out but still meet other people of all ages which will help him, to give him time to have a think about what he wants to do and how to do it.

Leaving college would be the worse thing for him, he says getting up and mixing with his friends is a positive

No he doesnt drink or smoke - that is something I am 100% sure of - he loves his sport and is very conscious of his body etc

My DS, slightly older than your DS. A year on from a period of anxiety and suicidal thoughts has recently shared that when he went out for walks he would regularly phone the Samaritans and found this really helpful. Telephone: 116 123

thank you for sharing @TreasuredMim
I just need to get him on the first steps to recovery and help

I would say that safety trumps confidentiality if ever you are unsure of how much to share. Speak with your GP about what you have told us. Unfortunately if he doesn't see the point of talking to someone you can't force him to. It maybe that antidepressants will improve his mood enough for him to do that, although many GP's are reluctant to do so for under 18s so a CAMHS referral would be good for that.

The Samaritans webpage might be useful for you both.
www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
My DSD volunteers for them. Whilst they don't know the people they're listening to, they do it because they care. It's not paid work.

Thank you everyone.

I think he will see someone - think he was just saying what he really though but didnt say no - just dont see the point.

Will wait till I speak to college and take it from there

@Shimmyshimmycocobop

I would say that safety trumps confidentiality if ever you are unsure of how much to share. Speak with your GP about what you have told us. Unfortunately if he doesn't see the point of talking to someone you can't force him to. It maybe that antidepressants will improve his mood enough for him to do that, although many GP's are reluctant to do so for under 18s so a CAMHS referral would be good for that.

Just to say its not reluctance on the part of GP's to prescribe...they are not allowed to initiate antidepressants in under 18s any more, that can only be done by child psych, once initiated and stabilised they can issue as shared care with psych, same as ADHD meds.

UPDATE:

1. Have rang the GP - an urgent appointment means a phone call to him because he's 16/17 and would prob be sometime today. I explained he's at college with a full day and although he knows Im going to call GP surgery he wont be aware of a call as he will not be able to answer his phone. So the urgent phone appt would be wasted (and could go to someone else) and we'd have to start from scratch. Wont speak to me unless DS signs a authorisation form which Im going to collect shortly - I can then have access to the urgent call to discuss with GP on his behalf. Have made a general appt for him on 22 Feb but can call each day to hopefully bring it forward as they release them every morning.

1. Have emailed head of college who briefly spoke to DS yesterday and said would call me. Explained that he is suffering from severe depression, a GP appt has been booked etc. and asked for advice and what he can access at college

1. Have a call with a recommended councillor tomorrow to discuss if she can help - come recommended and is a childrens mental health practicioner and works with CAMHS

Please tell me Im doing things right, Im so out of my depth with this and trying not to crumble

My dd has depression , my advice is to not bother with camhs , get a private psychiatrist to diagnose depression and get a gp to prescribe medication and pay for private cbt. This a very concise version of the last 3 years with dd but we have spent thousands and this is the outcome . She has weekly cbt and has started sertraline .
The nhs is complete over run and their support for MH is so under funded it's shocking!

Thanks @gunnersgold Im so sorry to hear about your daughter.
It's clear that meds are only prescribed then on assessment from a psycotherapist etc which I suppose is understandable. From a GP point of view I would like some blood tests running as Im pretty sure there are some areas that he's lacking eg. low Vit D, even anaemia. Would a GP do this?

This is all I'm hearing from everyone - even my friend who is a paedatrician says go private - she in fact has given me 3 contacts - one a friend of hers uses for her Son and is reasonable but good well for him that is and the others are who the hosp refer to one is over £100 a session.

Feel a tiny but relieved that Ive got the ball rolling so to speak as it's not going to go away is it