Severely depressed DS, feels suicidal, wont take help, just don't know what to do

[Yankydoodledandy]

DS is severely depressed, feels suicidal although with no intent he says.

His birthday today turned 17 and I pulled out all the stops to make it great for him. He got up literally opened his cards and few presents and through each one down as he opened them, hardly spoke and grunted and went back upstairs. Has been extremely rude, ungrateful and just utterly horrible. Im trying so hard to understand and have said Im so sorry he's feeling like this, Im always here to talk to, I love him and these feelings wont last forever even though he may feel like they will. Ive asked and chatted what we can we do to help or make it somewhat better but he just keeps saying Im severely depressed and I dont know the half of what's wrong.

Ive suggested we speak to the GP or a therapist - been given some contacts from a Dr friend. He says why pay someone lots of money to listen to him when they aren't interested it's just their job. I've tried to explain they maybe able to help him understand why he's feeling like this. Everything I say is thrown back with such anger and hatred.

He has spoken to a teacher at college who rang me - he suggested he wrote down some feelings of positives and negatives then make contact with him in his own time to chat through. He hasn't.

I just don't know where to go with this. I feel a bit out of my depth. My Dr friend has suggested I call the GP to chat through and then make an appointment for DS - she said referrals can be made but there is a huge backlog

Any advice at all no matter what would be welcome

Yes the gp will do bloods , in fact ours did . Gp can prescribe medication over 18 but under it has to go via a psychiatrist or camhs which is why I paid for an assessment because we were at the end of a very long list ! The assessment was about £500 which we are lucky to be able to afford but it was worth it ! She prescribed fluoxetine which is the recommended ssri for teens but it didn't work for dd .

Well done for reaching out and getting the ball rolling. The CAMHS waiting lists are huge but he can be on that whilst also starting private therapy. Anti-d’s can be helpful but as he has inferred there is something going on that he hasn’t mentioned to you yet.. lots of bad dreams can indicate a trauma response.. kooth as mentioned above are trained therapists if he wanted to access it immediately. Above all try to do everything you can to encourage social interaction ie keep him at school if you can, sleep and food. Keep going.

Thanks @Elderflower2016 there seem to be lots of bits and bobs that can be accessed here and there like Kooth and other sites etc -I have to tread carefully as don't want to be seen to be bombarding him - he can be really nasty if he just doesnt want to talk so I'll ease it all in gently.

Think I'll start with giving him an update on GP call, private therapist and Ive contacted college.

Although when I mentioned again today that I was going to call therapist he mumbled something under his breath - think he will give it ago though well Im hoping he will.

If you can, then you need to try and prevent him from being horrible to you. It's obviously awful for you but it won't be doing him any favours either. You should still have boundaries.

You need to look after yourself too.

How is his online use? Is there any indication he might have got into trouble online? Maybe scams, blackmail, betting etc?

Good luck, I hope things improve soon.

Do you or any family have a healthcare plan through work? Mine has a plan with a company which covers six sessions with a therapist. These can be for anyone living in the house. Worth checking if you have access to that at all, maybe a relative can help as I doubt they'll check the address. It might not be something you've thought of. It's not through work, they never know, you just call the number on the plan and deal with them directly.

Ah yes the heathcare plan think maybe with my Husbands work will check that out thanks @LazyYogi

UPDATE:
Spoke to head of college who knows DS for years and she said definitely not the boy I know and has given her support and will check in with him. Also gave me a contact of a councellor which a few students use and is well recommended is also nearby so he could pop out from college whenever she said. So another option there.

She also gave me a link to a self referral service that is part of CAMHS as is an early intervention and links with schools

I really feel for you as we're in a similar situation with my son who is nearly 17. I have tried every avenue and not found much help, I am sorry to say. He's dropped out of college due to anxiety and has stopped wanting to do anything much except see his girlfriend and spend time in his room. We tried private counselling but it was a wrong fit for him so now he is refusing to go. We've spoken to GP, they can't do much as he's under 18. We are awaiting camhs but I am not holding out much hope. We have however, at the advice of a camhs counsellor taken all pressure off him in terms of college or a job at the moment and this seems to have helped. Although it is heartbreaking as he wants to get a job but the anxiety is stopping him. All I can suggest is to just listen, maybe take away the pressure of college if it's too much for now (that was my boy's main trigger but they're all different) and be there for him when he needs you.

Camhs won't do anything as he is too near 18, the list is 3 years long in most places .
I actually had a row with camhs after too many phone callas and asked why they weren't helping us and their answer was my dd wasn't anywhere near bad enough and they knew she was safe and cared for and we had ten resources to pay 🙄... shocking but it's the truth of it !!

College isnt a problem and he is ok with anxiety as such he likes going in seeing friends and has some great teachers - this has come from him.

Hopefully a mix of tests and maybe meds from the GPs, finding the right counsellor will be a start of what appears is going to be a long journey.

So sorry to hear you are going through this with your DS. I think you are doing all the right things and you are clearly a loving, protective influence in his life.

My DS (14) became severely depressed due to bullying, 6 months ago. It took a long time to find out this was the reason. He pushed me away, was rude and angry a lot of the time, wouldn’t engage with anything. Red flags for bullying like not eating at school, smashing up his own property, low level disruption etc. Teachers said he isn’t the same boy etc etc.

Unfortunately it took two suicide attempts before CAMHS put support in place, but my GP was lovely and she did in fact start him on antidepressants when he first had suicidal ideation. I believe having these on board helped him engage better with CAMHS when they did start the therapeutic work with him.

Get whatever help you can, now. I would rate the antidepressants, much like you would take a medicine for an organic illness, this too is an illness. Doesn’t work for everyone though.

Look after yourself too. I was signed off sick for a period while he was getting treatment started and it was a good decision. Wishing you lots of luck, it will get better.

I can completely relate. Had the same issues with both of my teenagers - the youngest last year when she was 16 and the oldest now, she is 18. Forget the NHS, tried to get help from them for the youngest but they are overwhelmed. Go straight to a private psychiatrist. Get an assessment done. If it is depression, get him on meds. Then send the assessment to the college so they are aware of the issue. My 16 year old had a private psychologist and was on medication. She was depressed, self harming, had suicidal ideations...She went off the medication and stopped seeing the psychologist..I was at my wits end. And the nastiness towards her family - that was off the charts....then one day, as if she had figured stuff out in her own head - she 'came back to us'. Just like that. Now my eldest has been diagnosed with depression, she is on meds. She is going to have to repeat her last year at college next year. Very important you keep school/ college in the loop. But at least I have hope with my eldest because of how my youngest came around. Hang in there. It is soul destroying, I know. And you feel like the worst parent alive. I cried so much this last year I think I have aged by 10! I wish you all the best.

UPDATE
Thanks for all your replies.

I spoke to 2 counsellors explained both were good, but one in particular I really found helpful... 30 years experience with CAMHS does private plus consults at several schools. She said start with GP then she would be happy to see him if HE wants to, mustmt force it.

GP appt made said he would go but then got cold feet I rang surgery immediately.

GP rang me from home that evening, was kind, caring and asked if things were ok and if it was ok to speak with him. She asked him if he was safe, felt ok etc. Made another appt for today. He's just gone in.

Im.waiting in the car, I feel so emotional and overwhelmed

I do think he thinks that the GP will turn up at the house if he didnt go today! But I got him.here which is the main thing, it's a start.

He's had a good week...half term last week although had a nasty cold. Although I know he can feel up and down but last week and this last weekend he's been ok.

Ive got butterflies

Well that didnt go too well. Not sure what I expected or him. She asked him tons of questions...do you want to kill yourself, why do you, what makes you feel sad, are you harming yourself if yiu get the urge scribble on yr arm with a red pen or snap an elastic band on yr arm. Gave him sites to go on and said see you in a month.

He said it was rubbish and hes not going

I was exactly like this at one point in my teens. Even into my early 20s I remember telling my therapist that "you don't actually care about me though, this a is paycheck to you", and when she moved to another job I was very sarcy all about "see, if you really cared you wouldn't leave, but you've probably been offered more money elsewhere and that's what really matters to you".

My parents would tell me I was beautiful and loved etc and I would say "it means nothing coming from you though, because you're my family, you have to say that, you're hardly gonna call me ugly and dumb are you? It's your job to say these things about me."

Honestly I don't know what to suggest. I'm in my late 20s now and still struggle but I've matured and I'm not as bad as I used to be after years of therapy. I will probably be on meds forever though. Currently on anti-Ds 10 years and counting

You have my sympathy

Was that the GP appointment who said see you in a month?
I think you should get a private counsellor for him to see each week.