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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teen (13) DD has asked me to buy condoms.

51 replies

Dillidalli · 04/02/2022 11:59

So, nearly 14 dd, autistic, high functioning, very clever and always been older than her years. Her bf, 14, autistic, high functioning. Been going out for 5 months. She text me today asking if I could buy her condoms. What do I say to her? I mean, do I inform his mother that’s they are thinking about having sex? Why can’t they just go off and doo it in a park without me knowing, like I did when I was 15! 🙈
I’m so pleased she is open and feels she can talk to me but I don’t want to condone it either. I definitely don’t want her thinking she can do it under our roof, or is it wrong to think that? As I don’t particularly think any her off up the local park bushes either.

OP posts:
LowlyTheWorm · 04/02/2022 12:03

Why can’t they just go off and doo it in a park without me knowing

She is 13 FFS. Disability aside, she is a child. Nowhere NEAR ready for a sexual relationship.. and add in her ASD then she is a vulnerable child. She needs some leadership and direction in this case and discussion as to why it would’ve a very bad idea and informing firmly that it is illegal. I’d also be discussing with her boyfriends parents and the school too if she has extra support there.
“High functioning” or not- she and he both have a social impairment and a sexual relationship is NOT appropriate for them at this age.

Sidge · 04/02/2022 12:03

13 year olds can’t consent to sexual intercourse in law, so you’d be on thin ice condoning her having sex. If she’s high functioning and bright maybe explain the legal position here and see if that affects her decision making when it comes to having sex.

Once 14, with a similar aged boyfriend consent becomes a bit “easier” in that prosecution is much less likely, but technically is still illegal.

I think it’s time for a difficult conversation. Say you know they want to have sex and she’s being responsible by asking for condoms but you can’t, as you can’t facilitate an illegal activity. Encourage her to wait until she’s at least 14.

MrHavelIsHot · 04/02/2022 12:05

She’s 13 ffs.

CovidCorvid · 04/02/2022 12:05

God I don’t know. Obviously she’s too young to be having sex but they’re not likely to listen to you. I’d be wanting her on the injection as well as condoms. While underage sex isn’t great an underage pregnancy is worse

JustOneCup · 04/02/2022 12:06

However you approach this whatever you do still make sure you buy her some. The only thing worse than dealing with this situation would be dealing with an unwanted pregnancy in these circumstances

Yes she needs guidance as is still VERY young but just make sure she has access to condoms just in case.

If she is open to the idea and can tolerate it maybe a longer acting hormonal contraceptive could be a good idea

ApolloandDaphne · 04/02/2022 12:06

You need to sit down and talk to her frankly about the pitfalls of underage sex. She is nowhere near ready for a sexual relationship.

CovidCorvid · 04/02/2022 12:07

But yes, if she’ll wait to 14 that’s a bit better I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t know what gp guidelines are for contraception. I know they don’t need to tell parents so I assume they can prescribe

Nosnogginginthekitchen · 04/02/2022 12:10

I don't know, if she's not old enough to get hold of her own protection (or him) then why do they think they're old enough to be having sex. Buying condoms should be a basic measure, surely?

Difficult situation for you to navigate though. Is there a sex health clinic nearby that might be able to offer more disinterested advice to them? You could facilitate that, perhaps?

MrHavelIsHot · 04/02/2022 12:12

And it’s a sign of immaturity, not maturity on her part to think she’s ready for sex at 13.

Motnight · 04/02/2022 12:13

This will get deleted but you are fucking joking right Op?

thisplaceisweird · 04/02/2022 12:16

You are so lucky she has come to you with this. She is far too young obviously but you shouldn't use that as an excuse.

It's an opportunity to speak to her about the world of sex (as an adult), not just the physicality but all of the emotion, vulnerabilty and frankly scary health and body stuff. That might well put her off! Ultimately as you say, they could end up going down the park to do it, but do you really want that?

If you know the other mum is reasonable maybe see if you could have a quick chat with her about it.

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 04/02/2022 12:20

On the off chance that this is genuine and that some parents really are this feckless, an honest, open and firm talk about their age is vital, and explain WHY there are rules as to buying condoms

Etinoxaurus · 04/02/2022 12:21

13?
Fortunately the law is very strict and easy to understand.

SageRosemary · 04/02/2022 12:23

She is a child. She cannot legally consent. Her "boyfriend" will be her "rapist".

HollowTalk · 04/02/2022 12:25

Reported. There isn't a mother in the world who thinks their autistic 13 year old daughter should go and have sex in the park and not tell her.

Original poster
Dillidalli · 04/02/2022 12:25

I’m not feckless, I am a bit in shock and I’ve always used humour to try and lighten a situation. I know that they are not ready but the alternative is they go and do it anyway, despite a nice firm chat about how it’s illegal or how they are not ready.
And I was joking about doing it in a park Hmm
Obviously I’m going to talk to her, not toss her a pack of condoms. I was hope by for some constructive messages as to what to say.

OP posts:
hapagirl · 04/02/2022 12:26

My daughter is ASD and this makes her desperate to fit in with what she thinks is "normal". Sexualizing youngsters is so normal now, this may be what your DD is aiming for, trying to be "normal"? Please protect her.

ClaudiusTheGod · 04/02/2022 12:27

She’s not talking to you though is she. She texted you. She’s avoiding talking.

Justleaveitblankthen · 04/02/2022 12:27

Is this for real? She's a child for fucks sake..and you should be reported to SS.
I'm leaving it there before I really kick off 🤬

erinaceus · 04/02/2022 12:28

I would interpret her message as a request to you to support her in delaying having sex. If your DD is high functioning and very clever, and her BF is too, they would be able to figure out how to obtain condoms for themselves if they wanted to. I would ask her if she would like some support in making a decision about having sex and communicating this clearly, and remind her that waiting is advisable at her age.

(@TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes -- There are not rules around buying condoms I don't think? Not in the UK anyway. Unless you mean parent-set rules. AFAIK there are no legal restrictions.)

Bosephine · 04/02/2022 12:30

I would interpret her message as a request to you to support her in delaying having sex. If your DD is high functioning and very clever, and her BF is too, they would be able to figure out how to obtain condoms for themselves if they wanted to.

Exactly right.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 04/02/2022 12:30

An awful situation to be in but she is a child and that is that

As an aside it is only me that find the durex add here utterly distasteful

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 04/02/2022 12:31

@Dillidalli

So, nearly 14 dd, autistic, high functioning, very clever and always been older than her years. Her bf, 14, autistic, high functioning. Been going out for 5 months. She text me today asking if I could buy her condoms. What do I say to her? I mean, do I inform his mother that’s they are thinking about having sex? Why can’t they just go off and doo it in a park without me knowing, like I did when I was 15! 🙈 I’m so pleased she is open and feels she can talk to me but I don’t want to condone it either. I definitely don’t want her thinking she can do it under our roof, or is it wrong to think that? As I don’t particularly think any her off up the local park bushes either.
Christ almighty! She’s 13 ffs! You need to step up pdq and protect your vulnerable dd, not make fun of the situation.
Original poster
Dillidalli · 04/02/2022 12:32

Thank you @thisplaceisweird, that’s helpful.

People, you do realise that autism comes in so many many ways? If you met her, you wouldn’t know she’s autistic. She and I don’t See it as a disability at all. She just sees some things different. She is a typical teenager.

As for reporting, go ahead. Nowhere have I said I’d condone underage sex but it does happen and I’d rather be a parent that a child feels willing to talk about it with than one that flies off the handle at the mere thought of teens behaving like teens.

OP posts:
Lorw · 04/02/2022 12:32

Hmm. Give OP a break as she’s asking for advice.

Don’t have any advice I’m afraid OP, I know at that age if I wanted to do something I’d of done it anyways cause I thought I knew better and no amount of ‘you’re too young’ talks would have persuaded me otherwise but you know your daughter so hopefully you can resolve this.