Teen (13) DD has asked me to buy condoms.

[Dillidalli]

So, nearly 14 dd, autistic, high functioning, very clever and always been older than her years. Her bf, 14, autistic, high functioning. Been going out for 5 months. She text me today asking if I could buy her condoms. What do I say to her? I mean, do I inform his mother that’s they are thinking about having sex? Why can’t they just go off and doo it in a park without me knowing, like I did when I was 15! 🙈
I’m so pleased she is open and feels she can talk to me but I don’t want to condone it either. I definitely don’t want her thinking she can do it under our roof, or is it wrong to think that? As I don’t particularly think any her off up the local park bushes either.

I would thank her for coming to you about this and that you're pleased she feels comfortable enough to do so. Unfortunately though, since she is underage it would be wrong of you to buy her condoms due to their ages. So the best bet is a trip to the GP or sexual health clinic to see what they can offer.

Thats what I would say. Obviously she might back away completely and say it doesn't matter, in which case I'd be stumped. I'd feel I'd have to buy them just incase my words of wisdom that would follow, failed.

A trip to a sexual health clinic or nurse would never be a bad call though, I dont think. So I would follow through with that.

Lighten the situation? Your 13 year old child is talking about having sex, you don’t make light of that.
Honestly, if this was my 13 year old, they wouldn’t get chance to ‘just do it anyway’ as I wouldn’t let her out. She’s clearly too vulnerable to be out and alone with a boy if she thinks this is acceptable at her age.
I really hope this isn’t real. It’s fucking disturbing.

I also think an appointment with a sexual health nurse to discuss contraception would be a good idea. There are usually clinics specifically for youngsters.

With her age, they will probably also talk to her about the nature of her relationships etc.

@MrHavelIsHot

Lighten the situation? Your 13 year old child is talking about having sex, you don’t make light of that. Honestly, if this was my 13 year old, they wouldn’t get chance to ‘just do it anyway’ as I wouldn’t let her out. She’s clearly too vulnerable to be out and alone with a boy if she thinks this is acceptable at her age. I really hope this isn’t real. It’s fucking disturbing.

You might find it disturbing but the truth is, some 13 year old do have sex. Let's just hope if yours decides to at that age that they also have the confidence to come to you about it first, like OPs daughter has.

Of course you tell his mum. I would have wanted to know if this had been my boys.

Other than that you have to have a serious talk with her about consent. She’s too young to give it. That’s the be all and end all of it for me. She’s far too young.

Well, ideally she doesn't have sex because 13 (thinks about tiny 13 yr old neice and feels sick), but if you think she will no matter what you say then please, please talk to her about:

• She can stop at any time including during if it is not good for her, if she's not having a good time, if it hurts and she changes her mind

• It should be good for her as well as him and sometimes that's harder for a woman to achieve and her partner is equally responsible for making it good for her and if he doesn't then she should think about why she's doing it.

• Condoms don't aways work and what's her plan for a resulting pregnancy? Better to think about where she stands on the morning after pill, abortion, very young motherhood before it happens

• That none of these issues will change when she's older but they may be easier for her to negotiate.

• Again, because it can't be stressed enough, if she does have sex and she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to do it again. No should be enough.

Wow! Op, your attitude is bizarre and disturbing! If this is real, you seem remarkably unbothered that your 13 year old child is about to have sex - and all you are worried about is you would prefer them to go off and do it in a public place or god knows where- anywhere as long as you don't have to think about it!!
Jeez, step up and protect your child!

Thanks @erinaceus you may be right. I’ve told her we need to talk later and she says fine. I don’t want her to be having sex ffs. I just needed some people to help me word it, and talk to her. Parenting doesn’t come with a manual and I never thought I’d have to be having this chat so early so I’m not prepared and asked on here for some help dealing with it.
I have always used jokiness as a defence thing so I apologise if you thought I was being casual and glib about it. I’m most definitely not. As for someone wanting me reported to SS, I have no words.

Enabling a 13yo and a 14 yo to have sex? Are you serious?

You might find it disturbing but the truth is, some 13 year old do have sex. Let's just hope if yours decides to at that age that they also have the confidence to come to you about it first, like OPs daughter has.

Yeah. Children that are parented well aren’t having sex at 13. I have a daughter that age. She talks to me openly and understands sex isn’t for 13 year olds. She’s 13. 13! This isn’t in any way teens being teens. 15 maybe but not 13 and I’m suspicious of anyone trying to normalise in any way, having sex at that age.

@OwlNoises101 just because I’m not freaking out over it doesn’t mean I’m unbothered. I came here for advice, not to be all dramatic. Some Teens have sex, it’s a fact. I’d rather my dd not be a teen mother. I of course do intend a chat, which is why I came on here for advice on what to say. She will either listen or she won’t.

That’s a terrible comment @MrHavelIsHot! Implying OP doesn’t parent her child well because she’s reaching out and asking for advice on how to deal with the situation is just plain unkind.

OP you have my sympathies it’s great that she came to you and shows that you have a good relationship but it needs further prodding. Personally I would take her to a sexual health clinic and explore options for birth control

@Dillidalli

Thank you *@thisplaceisweird*, that’s helpful.

People, you do realise that autism comes in so many many ways? If you met her, you wouldn’t know she’s autistic. She and I don’t See it as a disability at all. She just sees some things different. She is a typical teenager.

As for reporting, go ahead. Nowhere have I said I’d condone underage sex but it does happen and I’d rather be a parent that a child feels willing to talk about it with than one that flies off the handle at the mere thought of teens behaving like teens.

Honestly OP, the ableism on mumsnet around autism is shocking.

Yes, at 13 this is quite the shock and is worrying in terms of her not really being emotional mature enough.

However, that doesn’t mean, as some posters have suggested, that it’s bad parenting to provide both information and contraception. She’s a teenager and they’re pretty hard to contain - if they want to do it they’ll find a way. Don’t let her end up like me, who WAS taken advantage of - in part due to my autism - but also because conversations like this were impossible in my family.

At 13, as long as she is Gillick competent - which she likely is even with autism - she is able to go to a gp or sexual health clinic and get contraceptives herself if she wishes. Although my concern would be that she wouldn’t have the social confidence for this and would instead have unprotected sex.

I think if you are 100% against buying condoms, what you need to do is have an open discussion with your DD, inform her of sexual health clinics and perhaps facilitate her getting to one for some impartial, professional advice. If they think she is at risk or not gillick competent they will step in here. You could potentially also link in with the school nurse for some advice, or any other services your DD is under.

If she’s anything like me, information that is less emotional and more fact based - statistics on teenage pregnancy/law on sexual consent (and not just consent related to age as social issues may mean your DD may not have fully considered issues such as coercion/withdrawing consent) may be the best way to calmly go around this conversation.

I think you've got to approach it as a mission to find out why she thinks this is the right time to have sex. I'd just get her talking, as anything you will need to say will make her clam up.

Once you've got to the bottom of that, then introduce the fact that 13 really really is too young. Is she the kind of kid who will agree to visit it again in a year?

Unless there's a very pressing reason why not, you do also need to talk to the boy's parents.

If you think they are going to do it anyway, then obviously it makes sense to ensure there are condoms around.

Could you get some expert advice from a children's charity like the rspcc and from an autistic children's charity. I'm afraid you may not get nuanced responses here on the interweb. The facts are she is a child with autism who is interested in sex with her boyfriend. There is the underage issue and she does need protecting. There is also the issue that some 13 year olds do get pregnant and have babies, l think we can all agree, this should be avoided. Not an easy one but lots of talks following informed advice may be the way to go. Don't beat yourself up, cos others here will do that for you. You're trying to figure out this complex situation. Good luck

@MrHavelIsHot I think its pretty shit to assume there's fault with OPs parenting because her teen is considering exploring sexually. It is fairly common, whether you want to accept that or not. It doesn't change the fact that teens do have sex, sometimes under the age of 15.

I tried talking to my parents at 14 about it. I was dismissed as being too young. My mum later found my condoms and binned them. I was pregnant at 15.

Have a blunt talk with her, cover the legal aspect, reasons why it’s best to wait until she’s older.

There is an excellent book aimed at autistic teens about puberty, which iirc goes into sex, I can’t remember what it’s called but it’s by Sarah Attwood.

My autistic son is now 16. He is similarly open. As a result, and his need for direct honesty, we have conversations that most parents probably wouldn’t have.

It could be that she’s asking for a way out of this, so a frank discussion may be all it takes.

Are you on good terms with the bf’s mother? If so I would have a chat with her so she can talk to her son.

At the end of the day 13 yr olds do sometimes have sex (obviously it’s not ideal) so be prepared that it may happen anyway, and that she’ll probably be just as open about it.

Why don't you watch the series let's talk about sex on channel four with her. Really opens up conversations so they are a conversation rather than you lecturing.

That’s a terrible comment @MrHavelIsHot! Implying OP doesn’t parent her child well because she’s reaching out and asking for advice on how to deal with the situation is just plain unkind.

No it’s not. OP is approaching it as of her daughter is 15, not 13. At 15, you talk to them, make sure they’re ok, help with contraception etc. At 13, they should know it’s not ok, but if they don’t, you realise they are immature, vulnerable and do anything you have to to stop it happening.

Another thing to discuss with her is contraception failure rates, sometimes teens get the impression these things are foolproof whereas they are not. It reduces the chance of pregnancy but doesn't completely rule it out. You can get much closer to 100% effectiveness by doubling up e.g. pill/implant/injection and condoms.

Do you think she's actually discussed this with her bf, or it's just something she's thinking about herself? I only ask that because it tends to be the boys who provide the condoms around that age (well, slightly older maybe..)(Not saying it isn't a joint responsibility, just in my experience the boys are the ones who buy them...other pps might say different though). So I'm wondering if either A, she's just thinking about it herself and so far he isn't aware, or B, he won't ask his parents because he already knows the answer will be a firm no, so they're trying you instead.

Totally disagree @MrHavelIsHot you stuck your knife in when it wasn’t needed or called for.

This is the book Sense of Sex: A Forthright Guide to Puberty, Sex and Relationships for People with Asperger's Syndrome [[https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1843103745/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_6PAMZ3F42VM2T1K2N18?tag=mumsnetforu03-216]]

It’s aimed at autistic teens and covers everything logically and factually. Can highly recommend it.

Sorry, I don’t think the link worked, but hopefully you can see the title.

She’s a typical teenager

Well no; she’s not. But even if she was you need to have a serious conversation with her about underage sex. Step up!