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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Help, daughter failing exams, recent change in attitude

31 replies

Ladyof · 03/02/2022 19:44

My daughter, 15 has just sat her gcse mock exams.

She was predicted 5, 6 and 7's and she got 1, 2 3 and 4's. I am so disappointed in her, even worse than this we've had a recent parents evening and it was shocking.

Every single year she's had a glowing report even the one in sept was glowing, fast forward to now, her most important year and 4 months away from exams and it was just awful. I'm so embarrassed.

Every single teacher said she has changed over the last 3 months, which coicides with her getting a bf.

They said her attitude is poor and effort is appalling, she doesn't listen, is often on her phone. 2 teachers said I sense a boy is on the scene?

I knew she had changed at home but i am so surprised about school.

I don't know what to do and I'm so disappointed in her.

Any ideas on how to get her back on track?

OP posts:
Cattitudes · 03/02/2022 19:57

Can you help her to focus on what she wants to do at 16+ and what grades she needs in which subjects to attain that? Maybe get a tutor in to help with maths and English and make her aware that if she doesn't pass them she will be in resit classes next year. Other than that a lot of the motivation has to come from her. Is the bf also in yr11?

Original poster
Ladyof · 03/02/2022 20:06

Yes he is in year 11 too but a different school. I think she is texting him all day.

Is there a way I can turn apps off such as snapchat, fb etc so she can't go on them when she should be working.

OP posts:
Susu49 · 03/02/2022 20:09

Confiscate her phone

Smartiepants79 · 03/02/2022 20:15

What’s her response to her very disappointing grades? Is she bothered or worried?
Does she understand at all the long term impact failing her GCSEs will have? Does the boyfriend give a crap about her? Because if he did he’d be helping her to do better. How is he getting on?
To be honest to have only got a 2 she can’t have barely even answered the questions. It’s a bit odd that up until the beginning of this year she was apparently engaged and doing well and now within 4 months she’s failing utterly??

Original poster
Ladyof · 03/02/2022 20:25

@Smartiepants79

What’s her response to her very disappointing grades? Is she bothered or worried? Does she understand at all the long term impact failing her GCSEs will have? Does the boyfriend give a crap about her? Because if he did he’d be helping her to do better. How is he getting on? To be honest to have only got a 2 she can’t have barely even answered the questions. It’s a bit odd that up until the beginning of this year she was apparently engaged and doing well and now within 4 months she’s failing utterly??
She hasn't said much to be honest just listened, I pointed out about her struggling to get the course she wants, having to resit, wint stand out on a cv with low grades etc etc. She listened and then got upset. She has changed friendship groups recently so I'm wondering if that is anything to do with it as well. I think he is doing ok at school but to be honest I don't know him that well as he came on the scene in Nov. Literally reading her report from sept and now it's like they are different people. I'm so upset.
OP posts:
Tiny2018 · 03/02/2022 20:29

I've had the same with my daughter, also 15.

This time last year she was looking at 7's and 8's, Parebts Evening 2 weeks ago showed all grades bar 2 under 5. In one subject she's having to sit the Foundation Paper as her mock results were so low.

This coincides with her breaking away from her old group of friends to spend time with a new friend and from what I can gather, taking a huge interest in boys. No idea what to do now, her teachers have told her that if she works her arse off for the next few months then her grades could be bettered but still :/

mumofblu · 04/02/2022 04:26

Do you have iPhones ?
If so go to settings , go to screen time , add her device and you can disable all social media etc for downtime . Very useful and controlled by your phone remotely so you don't have the fight

Original poster
Ladyof · 04/02/2022 04:28

Thats really helpful I will try that as my dd and dh have iPhones. Thank you

OP posts:
BasiliskStare · 04/02/2022 04:37

@mumofblu - that is hugely useful information. @LadyofThe only thing I would say is I would tell my DD I was doing it - just until she has got through her exams & then up for discussion/ revision Just so it does not come as a surprise, by which I mean will she spend more time trying to fix the phone / other means of communication instead of doing what you actually want her to do which is concentrating on a short term goal. ( well until after exams) The new friendship group may be something to do with it as well , but to be honest - if she can't see the point of getting the best exam results she can - it is going to be hard , whatever you do.

Marshmelllo · 04/02/2022 05:34

@mumofblu

Do you have iPhones ? If so go to settings , go to screen time , add her device and you can disable all social media etc for downtime . Very useful and controlled by your phone remotely so you don't have the fight
I'm sorry but I think it's a very risky strategy to say the least, to behave in this draconian way with a 15 year old. It is a direct invasion and trampling of her privacy and autonomy.

I think you need to resolve this by getting her on board. Although time with bf needs to be discussed/curtailed if necessary.

You need a deal with her.

You will distance her and make her feel deeply angry, betrayed and disrespected if you do that to her phone.

Personally I'd have been packing my bags and leaving if someone had done that to me, and I'm compliant, and was 15 ages ago!

It's potentially a very very damaging move that will exacerbate the situation.

Marshmelllo · 04/02/2022 05:34

@Ladyof

Thats really helpful I will try that as my dd and dh have iPhones. Thank you
And DH? So disabling his social media remotely too?! 😅
mommabear2386 · 04/02/2022 06:43

Same. My SD hasn't got a BF but she's found her group of friends and they are now the mist important thing in the world which I get but her grades are definitely dropping.. predicted 5s getting 3s :(

Luckily she's still a lovely girl but she's got no interest and we've tried everything to engage her with school

mumofblu · 04/02/2022 07:22

@Marshmelllo
I had to do it because of her risky behaviour online culminating in her trying to commit suicide from what a mess she got herself in. We had talked lots about internet safety before . She's under mental health team now so I'm following their instruction

Original poster
Ladyof · 04/02/2022 12:26

It really is a tough one, in some ways I felt like we haven't supported her enough and let her make her own decisions, which haven't been the best at times but in other ways I think if we are really strict will that make her worse. It is such a hard age and you just don't know how best to handle it.

OP posts:
MarshmallowSwede · 04/02/2022 12:30

Take away her phone. Children shouldn’t even be allowed phones while in the classroom.

And who is this boyfriend? What are his grades like? If her grades have fallen so terribly I’m betting he also has abysmal marks.

Perhaps his parents need to be called so that they both can get their focus back on their schoolwork.

MasterofStudy · 04/02/2022 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Diditreallylookawful · 04/02/2022 19:41

A couple of things you could maybe consider, depending on how much she will talk to you. I have a DC in Y11 too and their exams start in about 14 weeks (of course different exam boards start at different times). Could you have some sort of truce until after the exams are finished, ie "work hard and afterwards you can see bf all you want for the entire summer" sort of thing. Or if they're at different schools, will they be going to the same 6th form/college? Point out that she needs to get xyz to get into the same place as bf?

It isn't too late to turn things around hugely if she wants to.

Susu49 · 04/02/2022 19:44

@MarshmallowSwede she's 18, not a child!

titchy · 04/02/2022 19:50

[quote Susu49]@MarshmallowSwede she's 18, not a child![/quote]
Confused She's 15 not 18

Flossieskeeper · 04/02/2022 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Susu49 · 04/02/2022 20:00

Don't know where I got 18 from, then!

Change123today · 04/02/2022 20:38

I completely understand it’s a minefield! With our daughter and her boyfriend - we did think about the iPhone settings but decided an open conversation and trying to get her to self regulate herself. We discussed a plan - we agreed on one weekend night/day, and two evenings afterschool for them to meet up (& revise together) . and to make sure they also caught up with friends over the weekend too.
The afterschool meets we did reduce this down as we got closer to and during exams. During revision in the evenings we broke the evening up 30-40 min revision no looking at phone 10 min phone use and repeat. The promise was once exams finished we back off and let them be (within reason)
It worked for us but we allowed her to lead the conversation in her head she came up with the ideas (revision then phone use)
Difference in our situation is they did go to the same school and had been in a long term relationship so we could make sure that his parents had a similar conversation with him.
It’s such a hard balance which is why we wanted her to have the weekends away from the revision & catch up with both boyfriends and friends.

Original poster
Ladyof · 04/02/2022 21:59

@diditreallylookawful

@change123

Thank you some great ideas there.

He is getting 6 and 7's so pretty well, so I might well suggest studying together, I'm sure she will think I am mad but I will given it a try as at least they can see each other then.

Thank you for the tips!

OP posts:
Andi2020 · 04/02/2022 22:59

I hope the studying together tip works because I have suggested it many times to my dd sitting Alevel this year needs a B in Business and is sitting on a C we are in NI so bit different grades to yours her bf is on an A but he only does 2 and she also has a pt job and he doesn't so has more tome to study when she is at extra class and at work so they just want to watch a movie when at each others house not study. Flowers

Marshmelllo · 05/02/2022 08:21

[quote mumofblu]@Marshmelllo
I had to do it because of her risky behaviour online culminating in her trying to commit suicide from what a mess she got herself in. We had talked lots about internet safety before . She's under mental health team now so I'm following their instruction [/quote]
That's beyond awful, @mumofblu

I'm so sorry and yes of course you had no other option but to take it away. My advice to OP was only because this seemed an issue re: doing enough schoolwork, etc. and I felt the vest way forwards was to get her to choose to put her own phone down. The suggestions of studying together are a version of that. It's all to do with motivation, focus and choice.

Very sorry and I hope all ok with your DD Thanks

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