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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS,16, having girlfriend staying over

45 replies

Bobcatty · 02/02/2022 19:33

I only found out last week that DS, 16, has a girlfriend. They got together at New Year and go to the same school. She's also 16.

He kind of told, rather than asked, that she'd be staying around on Friday night as they have plans on Saturday Confused

I don't know how to feel - I know teenagers will 'do it' anywhere, and I should feel pleased (?) that he's being open about it. He's also asked DH about condoms. I think it's just the speed it's all happening.

Are we being to lenient, letting this happen? It's making me cringe inside! What do other parents of 16 year olds do?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 02/02/2022 19:35

Your house, your rules. On this occasion it’d be a ‘no’ pending discussions about safer sex, meeting the GF etc.

thebigpurpleone · 02/02/2022 19:37

Absolutely not. You're the parent he doesn't just decide what's happening!

NovRainbow5 · 02/02/2022 19:38

Honestly? I think he’s a very sensible boy and you should be very proud of him! It must be taken a lot for him to ask his dad about condoms!
It’s your house your rules. As you said they will find somewhere else to go regardless if you let them stay in the same room or not.
I’ve got a 3 month old baby so can’t really comment although I will say at 16 my parents and parents of my boyfriend at the time let us sleep in the same room at each other’s houses. I think my mum felt she’d rather know where I was and that I was safe.
How do her parents feel about it?

blyn72 · 02/02/2022 19:39

I agree with Loopytiles and thebigpurple.

He is too young at the moment, imo.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/02/2022 19:40

My ds's knew not to ask under 16. Due to ds's very ott enthusiastic gf I now include a As Long As We Don't Hear You clause.
Blush
We are 2 floors up....
She clearly was a porn fan imo!!

SeasonFinale · 02/02/2022 19:42

At that age DS'S GF could stay but in the spare room. When she had been staying over occasionally about 9 months later we relented and she could stay in his room.

SeasonFinale · 02/02/2022 19:43

But it should always be what you feel comfortable with.

pollygartertidywife · 02/02/2022 19:43

I don't agree . They will do it anyway . I would prefer it was in comfort and safe. With condoms .

I have 7 and they have all had boyfriends/girlfriends sleep over at 16. All are now at Uni / post Uni and no unexpected babies... that is the aim. A healthy respectful sex life with sensible precautions. !! Communication here is the key and your son is doing just that.

thebigpurpleone · 02/02/2022 19:44

They've only been together a few weeks, what's the rush.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/02/2022 19:45

You aren’t going to stop them having sex OP, and given that, I’d personally prefer it was happening in my house than a car/field.

However, I’d possibly say to him that I’d like to meet her before she STAYS, so Fri it’ll be separate rooms.

savehannah · 02/02/2022 19:47

I would let this happen and be happy that he feels comfortable enough to bring his girlfriend home rather than shagging at a party somewhere or outdoors etc. Teens will have sex, as parents you can pretend otherwise but you can't stop it. The best you can do is talk about safe sex and respect (for each other, and the rest of the household ie keep the noise down!) Is this his first relationship? If so you could talk to him about not rushing into sex. But if they are going to have sex they will do so whether you think it's appropriate or not so better to be supportive.

dancemom · 02/02/2022 19:50

Told you? Hell no.

I'd be wanting to meet her, check her parents know where she is and also be expecting them to be together much longer than a month before any staying over was happening!

Rainbowqueeen · 02/02/2022 19:52

I’d say no
On here I’ve seen a “ must be relationship of 6 months “ rule before a girlfriend or boyfriend is allowed to stay and I intend to institute that too. Otherwise you could end ip with a series of ransoms staying.

Yes they could go off and do it anywhere but I want to send a message that sex has consequences and should not necessarily be taken lightly and that respect needs to be shown to the other occupants of the house. If he’s mature enough to have sex he should be mature enough to introduce you to her.

What you do now will set the tone for all his future relationships while he is living at home so think about ground rules that will make you comfortable. Also any younger children need to be taken into account.
So in this case it would be a no because of the short length of the relationship and because you don’t know her. I’d expect to have met her several times before she stays over.

pikapikapukachu · 02/02/2022 19:56

At 17.5, my mum let my BF stay in my room, but his parents insisted on separate rooms.
Actually so did my uni boyfriend's mum (so we were 19-20).
My mum was of the opinion that stopping us sharing a room wouldn't stop us DTD, so it was better we were somewhere safe and that I felt comfortable sharing practicalities such as advice re contraception.
I'm not sure how I feel when mine reach that age though!

Bagelsandbrie · 02/02/2022 19:59

I’d just say no.

Our dd is 19 now but we always said no to boyfriends staying over. I think it encouraged her to go to university to have her own place to do what she likes!

2bazookas · 02/02/2022 20:06

As her host I'd be having a discussion with her parents, just to make sure they are as fully in the picture as you are.

Cotswoldmama · 02/02/2022 20:16

I think it's fine as they're both 16 and others have said I'd be quite pleased that my son felt he could ask about condoms.

Original poster
Bobcatty · 02/02/2022 20:19

Thank you all. @Rainbowqueeen - I think you've hit the nail on the head for me. I am kind of worried about encouraging a succession of randoms and not making sex meaningful, as it's been so quick.

I guess I always assumed there would be more of a 'build up' to this kind of scenario.

Her parents are apparently okay - she has an older brother so, according to DS, they are quite relaxed. I do wonder if I should perhaps ask for her mums number, just to 'check in'.

God - wish he was still 3 Smile

OP posts:
TippledPink · 02/02/2022 20:26

I recently found out DS (just turned 16) is having sex with his girlf (15) of 6 months. He asked if he could stay over her house last week and I said no. I think when he is 17, if still with the same girl I would say yes but 16 feels too young. It's fine they are having sex but I don't want to encourage it, and they have their whole lives to spend the night together so don't see the rush.

Feelingoktoday · 02/02/2022 20:27

I would check with her parents first. I said to mine yes but they are supposedly in separate rooms. Once we are all comfortable with her staying then they can share a room. It’s my house too and I didn’t bring my partner home to stay whilst my kids were there for two years!

autienotnaughty · 02/02/2022 21:17

I'd do separate bedrooms. My dd was 19 and had been with bf 6m before he stopped.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2022 21:19

Are you mad? Absolutely fucking not.

Trolleedollee · 02/02/2022 21:47

Absolutely not. They’re too young and they’ve been seeing each other a month. Not even open to discussion

AyeEee123 · 02/02/2022 21:54

My nearly 17yo has his girlfriend to stay in his room and he stays at her house too. Would rather them be safe here than elsewhere.

Fantasea · 02/02/2022 22:35

At 16, your son doesn't get to decide who stays over in your house. He needs to ask first. It's hard when they hit the teenage years as you want them to fit in and everything but this is just too fast and yes I would expect to meet the gf before she stayed overnight. As PP said, how you handle this will set the tone for the future - it may be that this gf is lovely and you become very fond of her. The next one may be someone who don't want in your home (for whatever reason) and as you said yes before it is tricky. I made this mistake myself.

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