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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teen - what happens at 18?

30 replies

ViewoverAtlantis · 22/01/2022 18:03

My very nearly 16 year old dc does nothing to help. I'm cutting them some slack at the moment because GCSE's are fast approaching. Dc's attitude is...well it's your job to clean/shop etc. basically relinquishing all responsibility for helping in any small way and I don't ask them to do much just chip in from time to time with small tasks such as helping to put the shopping away.

DC is very self obsessed (natural for teenagers I get it) and I was probably the same at this age but I have friends with teenagers who seem to be more co-operative and carry out chores etc. (I have offered pocket money but due to inconsistency it is difficult to see this as being justified = too much effort on dcs part).

At 18 I went to university and became far more independent. I realised what it was to do my own cooking, washing etc. and also realised just how much my mother did in terms of housekeeping etc. then started to take more responsibility for myself. DC is saying everything is my job - to clean, to shop etc. Fair enough but at 18 I will expect dc to start looking after themselves. I've had enough of their attitude and being totally self obsessed. DC is bigger than me now but still has a teenage brain and I forget this and expect them to be more adult like.

Anyone feel similar? What do you expect of your teen of a similar age?

OP posts:
justasyouare · 22/01/2022 18:15

I have 17 year old twins and they are expected to chip in- they tidy and clean their own rooms, walk the dog when their timetables allow or if we are all home, empty dishwasher, clean up after themselves etc. collect own or other family members prescription and walk up to the shop etc if asked.
We keep saying they will cook one family dinner a week each but we just haven’t got round to it to be honest.
Make hot drinks for everyone change own bedding etc.
During holidays I will ask them to hoover downstairs or similar and they will do it.
Sometimes I ask them to hang the washing out or get it in.
I’ll be honest, they are very easy going and will automatically clear up after a meal etc and understand that we work full time and we all have to pitch in.

I certainly don’t think it’s your job to do everything! Why should you run yourself ragged for an almost adult who is more than capable of doing these things and helping to spread the load?

onedayoranother · 22/01/2022 18:28

Why is it 'fair enough'? By 16 they should be keeping rooms clean, changing their bed linen, putting laundry on, doing their own ironing if they want something ironed, and be able to cook a few meals. Plus help around the house. This doesn't magically happen unless you teach them. Don't wait until they are 18, do it now.
GCSEs are no excuses at all.

MananaTomorrow · 22/01/2022 18:33

I expect much more than you do and certainly domyou give them the ‘oh they are a teenager so it’s normal they are self obsessed’ etc…

They are expected to help around the house. Simple things from putting the table to clearing it. Doing some washing up from time to time. Putting their stuff in the wash and so on.

They are both aware that there is a lot of work involved in cleaning/washing and they certainly don’t think it’s my job to do it. If any of them had said that to me, they would have been told to do it all themselves tbh.

travellingturtle · 22/01/2022 18:34

It's your job?

That kind of misogynistic attitude wouldn't fly far in our house.

If you live in the house, you do your part to support the running of the house –end of. And if you don't do it, it doesn't get done –and you deal with the consequences.

DSS does laundry, feeds and walks the dog, and helps tackle after-dinner mess (we do that together). On Sundays we do a '20-minute dash', everyone cleaning and tidying as much as we can in 20 minutes, and his room is the bathroom in that time. And if someone asks, he'll help with something unless he's busy.

Unfortunately a lot of parents haven't put in the legwork early in their DC's childhoods to set up that kind of mutual respect and understanding, and then wonder why it's hard to get their teenager to start (not saying that's the case with you, just that I've seen a lot of it)

You're not getting paid for this 'job' of yours, so if I were you I'd go on strike. No more laundry, if dishes aren't washed they disappear, and if DC wants a lift somewhere they can 'earn' it by sweeping or taking the bins out.

I'd be far less intense about this if it weren't for the shitty attitude –but IMO the "it's your job" needs a quick, clear response.

Mundra · 22/01/2022 18:36

It's your job?
Wow- they sound so entitled. Once GCSEs are over, it's time for a regime change- they have all of summer to get used to it.
You'll be doing them a favour for when they leave to go to university.

GiantSpider · 22/01/2022 18:36

It would be his attitude that would worry me more than anything else. I have a 16yo DS and I don't expect much help from him in term time as it's pretty intense (GCSEs plus he has lots of sporting and music commitments) - more in the holidays.

But if he ever told me that he couldn't help because it's my job I would be furious with him!

BeMoreGoldfish · 22/01/2022 18:37

I’m the lone woman in an all male household - I would never tolerate that misogynistic shit. You are raising a man who is going to end up being a lazy husband and so it goes on.

My boys have helped out since they were tiny - teenage attitudes aren’t an excuse to be a lazy shit.

FawnFrenchieMum · 22/01/2022 18:43

I’m a firm believer in slowly building up expectations, you can’t expect them to change over night at 18. That’s never going to work.
Both mine have ‘jobs’, these have increased as they have got older. Don’t get me wrong then moan and sulk but tough, I don’t get to opt out of washing clothes and cooking.
Both have to keep their own rooms clean. For DS15 that includes vaccing and wiping his en-suite down (I give it a proper clean though). For DD9 it’s keep her stuff away and tidy. Both have to sort their washing into darks and lights for them to be washed. DS, empties the dishwasher and takes the bins to the end of the street. DD brings any cups etc from the living room each day before the dishwasher goes on.
Your going to find it very difficult to change him and your not doing him any favours for his future.

Serenschintte · 22/01/2022 18:47

I got sick of my dc complaining about his washing - so since 16 he has been responsible for his own laundry.
Brought him a washing basket, taught him to use the washing machine and off he went.
If he has a lot of homework/exams or is sick then I help but 1. I tell him and 2. expect thanks.
Maybe start with that? It’s an easy chore but makes a big impact on their life.

Cattitudes · 22/01/2022 18:50

They would get very hungry in this house on the weekend and after GCSEs they would have very smelly clothes. Just stop doing it and they will need to step up.

Serenschintte · 22/01/2022 18:55

He does other things but I think if you have a resistant teen this is good to start with - most care a bit what they look like.

TheMoth · 22/01/2022 19:04

12 and 10 year old.
They tidy their own room (sometimes under duress) They often hoover own rooms.
Clothes sorted into colours and whites.
Own clothes put away in drawers.
Make own breakfast. 10 yr old likes to make tea or coffee.
Make own supernoodkes with some supervision.
Set table. Take plates out.

We both work full time to give our kids a nice life. The trade off is that they have to help.

ViewoverAtlantis · 22/01/2022 19:08

I was trying to keep it vague by talking about a 'dc'. The dc in question is actually a dd!

DD's younger sibling doesn't have this sort of attitude and is only too willing to help out. Teen dc creates a lot of washing, noticeably the most in the house. Just flings things into the wash after trying stuff on and the amount of towels used! I was going to buy teen dd her own laundry basket and teach her to use the washing machine when GCSE's are finished but I have just lost faith in her doing anything and taking responsibility.

Up until now, I have been okay with this as I wanted dd to focus on her education but it has dawned on me that dd will be 16 in May. However, I've probably had the wrong approach looking at all these responses.

OP posts:
ViewoverAtlantis · 22/01/2022 19:11

They tidy their own room (sometimes under duress) They often hoover own rooms.
Clothes sorted into colours and whites.
Own clothes put away in drawers.
Make own breakfast. 10 yr old likes to make tea or coffee.
Make own supernoodkes with some supervision.

DD will however do the above. And she will make her own lunch (only recently because I have refused to do this). So she does do some things but mainly for herself - i.e. in her own interest to keep her room tidy - she does it when she feels like it. I've backed off from this if she wants to live in an untidy pit that is up to her and eventually she does it.

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 22/01/2022 19:14

I think letting them off due to GCSEs is giving the wrong message. Everyone needs to tidy, clean, cook etc. When I have important deadlines at work, or a job interview, I still have to do all the usual housework.

Cattitudes · 22/01/2022 19:17

mainly for herself - i.e. in her own interest to keep her room tidy

You just need therefore to increase the number of things that it is in her interest to do. I cook one meal a day on weekends, they do their own washing from 16. Tidy rooms from about age 10. You might still be left with some things to do but less than you had before.

Beamur · 22/01/2022 19:17

I've lived with 3 teens now and have not had this kind of attitude at all.
It really sucks OP. What are you going to do to stop it?
It really isn't your job to skivvy for everyone. Part of parenting is helping your kids become well rounded, independent people.
If your DC think they're above helping out, then I think it's time for some new house rules.

OhM8 · 22/01/2022 19:21

GCSEs are MONTHS away! That's no excuse at all!

I'm willing to bet they aren't revising from the moment they get home from school until they go to bed or 12 hours a day at weekends. I'm quite sure they can spend 20 mins a day helping out

user1471453601 · 22/01/2022 19:29

At that age my DD was responsible for keeping her bedroom in a state that felt ok for her. I literally didn't step inside her room for six or more years, after she left home.

We also had a deal that on Sunday one would iron, the other would prepare a roast lunch , and the one that ironed chose the music (the reason I still know, at 71, all the words to most Smith songs, and my daughter all the tracks on Carol kings Tapastry).

If she'd told me it was my job to do both, she would have got very short shrift indeed. We both had jobs. Mine earned money to keep us fed and housed, hers earned her an education.

Wandamakesporridge · 22/01/2022 19:33

16 year old - empty the dishwasher every day.
13 year old vacuums downstairs.
10 year old clears the table after dinner.

They will also help to put shopping away, and older two are expected to put their own clothes away.

If I ask for help with other things they will do it, although 16yr old has so much school work at the moment I haven’t asked so much, 13 yr old is always happy to help though.

They all get a set amount of pocket money every week.

I don’t like the ‘it’s your job’ attitude - I talk to them about how it’s all our responsibility to live in a clean nice house, and we all have to play a part.

ashorterday · 22/01/2022 19:40

How is it still "your job" when they are teenagers?! I'm not suggesting they should be running the house alongside studying for exams but they should be capable of washing up/loading the dishwasher/cooking a meal/putting laundry on etc. If they go off to uni without any of these skills they'll be an embarrassment.

travellingturtle · 22/01/2022 19:47

@ViewoverAtlantis

I was trying to keep it vague by talking about a 'dc'. The dc in question is actually a dd!

DD's younger sibling doesn't have this sort of attitude and is only too willing to help out. Teen dc creates a lot of washing, noticeably the most in the house. Just flings things into the wash after trying stuff on and the amount of towels used! I was going to buy teen dd her own laundry basket and teach her to use the washing machine when GCSE's are finished but I have just lost faith in her doing anything and taking responsibility.

Up until now, I have been okay with this as I wanted dd to focus on her education but it has dawned on me that dd will be 16 in May. However, I've probably had the wrong approach looking at all these responses.

That's a nice easy one, then –show her how to use the machine and stop doing her laundry.

She'll fight it at first but she'll get there in the end.

Or she won't, and she'll have to deal with the consequences.

Either way... not your job any more.

Wallywobbles · 22/01/2022 19:49

Everyone in this house contributes. Exam week they'd get a pass.

So from 11 they cook full meals, clean, help, wash up, dry up and tidy away after every meal, do their own washing etc

You've left it a tad late IMHO. I'm busy. If someone wants something from me in terms of time they need to contribute more so I've got time.

In 2 years they'll be leaving home for uni or work and if she's a useless person she'll be no good to anyone least of all herself.

Graphista · 22/01/2022 19:51

GCSEs then the next excuse will be a-levels and then that they're doing their degree...

Ohhhh no no no no no!

Has she EVER helped around the house/been responsible for her own chores?

I'm betting she also gets an allowance/pocket money, phone paid for, Wi-Fi, Netflix etc etc ?

Has she EVER had a paid job?

I may be becoming an old fuddy duddy but I am beginning to think a big reason teens now are more lazy and selfish is because the laws around part time jobs are so strict it's virtually impossible for them to get one!

Having a job really rubs the corners off!

However it's also lax parenting I think in a lot of cases, you need to start young and keep it up!

I raised dd as a single mum since she was a pre-schooler.

Initially I worked full time, then I went back to uni, then I worked full time again for a bit until an accident left me disabled and unable to work.

Partly because being a single mum is knackering and busy,

Partly as I believe a parents job is to raise a child so that at 18 they are confident, capable and practical people ready for the adult world!

Dd was expected to pull her weight with age appropriate expectations from as young as that! Starting with putting toys away at end of day, dirty clothes in hamper, carrying her dirty dishes to the sink. It's very much a game at this stage and of course you need to not worry about them doing it "right" every time etc.

As she got older she took on more and more responsibility.

It also meant I was teaching her more - cooking and baking (which also includes food safety and minimising food waste etc), laundry (from sorting to drying and ironing/putting away), how to clean different surfaces/materials, how to do basic/minor maintenance (change a fuse, paint a door, use polyfilla), "make do and mend" especially when it came to things like clothes (taught her to take up hems, sew on a button, altering/upcycling older items) etc

By the time she was 16 I could have left her with a weeks worth of grocery money and in practical terms she'd have managed fine! Not saying on a mental/emotional level but definitely on a practical level.

At 18 she was working full time and moved into a place of her own nearer work (shifts so was a lot easier for her, but I think first serious boyfriend around this time was also a factor)

She's now at uni after taking a couple years out to save some money and she's kinda the "mother hen" of the group.

At almost 16 seems to mean you've left it rather late to address this and that means it's not impossible...but it will be a lot harder!

I've seen this with peers of dds the parents let them crack on until about this age and then suddenly expected them to do a load more at home, get jobs etc and because frankly the kids had been pampered there was conflict/friction.

It's much easier if it's done as a gradual and natural progression of parenting.

You're gonna have to sit down and talk to her and explain that you are not her personal maid!

That she is now old enough and more than capable of at the very least (I would say)

Sorting her own laundry (and not being wasteful by laundering things that haven't even been worn! Both financially and environmentally)

Keeping her room clean and tidy

Doing at least one regular (at least weekly) chore that benefits the whole house

Clearing up after herself if she's made a mess outside her own room (disposing of rubbish, washing dishes or at least putting in dishwasher if you have one)

Cooking at least one family meal a week - and I mean proper cooking not a ready meal!

To be quite honest I'd be saying she needs to find a part time job too. At this age stage things are about to get VERY expensive in my experience. She is going to want more money for social activities and clothes and maybe even driving lessons when she hits 17.

There can be SOME element of negotiation but decide what your boundaries and expectations are and have sanctions decided too (reduced/withheld allowance, removal of screen privileges, removal of phone, grounding everyone has their own things that work with their dc - eg my dd couldn't care less about screen stuff. But she hated being grounded!)

Don't paint yourself into a corner when instigating sanctions, start small...so if she pushes her luck you can increase the sanction!

So don't go all "right that's it your grounded forever and phone and pocket money everything is gone" (tempting though that can be at times! Grin)

Mum - Ok well that's £1 off your allowance

Dd - That's not fair! You can't do that!

Mum - and that's another £1 for backchatting!

Dd tends to got mute at this point usually

See what I mean?

My own dds room did at times resemble a hellmouth! If it wasn't clean and tidy by 8pm on a Friday no allowance Saturday when she wanted to head into town shopping/bowling with friends!

Rest of the time close the door and liberally apply air freshener! (Esp with boys! What IS that?! My brothers room I swear it hummed it's stank that much!)

There were dramas along the way (the incident where she dyed all her school shirts pale blue by thinking she could skip the sorting of her navy school jumpers from the shirts come to mind! Grin) at which point I introduced her to colour run remover and whitener and she would speak of them to her friends as if they were literally magic instruments!

Exhausteddog · 22/01/2022 19:51

My teen and tween are quite resistant to chores. They unload the dishwasher, and occassionally DD hangs out the washing. DS sometimes feeds the cats.
When we've asked (very infrequently) if one would go to the shop (10-15 min walk) to get something, the answer is always no. At New Year 3 of us got covid at the same time. I asked DS (the only one who didn't have it - he'd had it a month before) if he would go to the shop for anything we needed before the online shop came but he wouldn't.
Both are adamant that we must have a roast dinner with roast potatoes every Sunday, but when I've suggested they help make roast potatoes they are not interested.