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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

teens and 'family time'

32 replies

wingsandstrings · 22/01/2022 16:09

I'm trying to work out how realistic it is to schedule 'family time' at the weekends with a DS14. He is quite social with friends and girlfriend, has weekend sport, and loves to game online. With no intervention his entire weekend time would, every week, be split between these activities. However I try and schedule one thing a weekend to do together as a family (we also have DD11), for example a board-game before dinner, or today we went out for breakfast and then for a walk. DS mostly seems to enjoy this time when actually in it, and in general we have a really good relationship with not too much conflict. However finding time together can be tricky as he has so much else he wants to do and 'family time' is understandably not a priority for a 14 year old boy . . .. so he gets cross when I say 'well can you be home at x so we can have a meal together this weekend' or 'please don't arrange anything between 4pm and 6pm on x day so we can do x together'. And if he's pushed for time to do homework or something he'll always blame family time . . . . . "if I hadn't had to spend a couple of hours playing that boring board game" etc. Anyway, I think it's good for family dynamics and our relationships to spend a couple of hours al together at the weekend. And how else do you maintain a bond with your teen? But I am realistic, teens tend to much prefer to spend time with mates than with parents and little sister. Everything within them is telling them to seperate from us. I'm in a quandry, it is a source of conflict but without it I think he won't really feel a secure part of the family and in the long term he might regret not spending any time with us. Thoughts please??? How do weekends work with your teens? Do you 'force' them to spend time with you?

OP posts:
aramox1 · 22/01/2022 18:47

No. Especially after lockdowns, we have seen plenty of each other! Let it happen naturally.

mamaduckbone · 22/01/2022 19:25

Not every weekend, but yes sometimes. For example last weekend we didn't really see ds16 at all, but this weekend we met for lunch today and we've got family over tomorrow so he'll spend some time with us then. I'm mindful not to be too needy since it just puts him off. It helps to offer food, I find, and we also have a couple of regular TV shows that we watch together.
Lockdown did put a bit of a dampener on things like family walks since we did so many.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 22/01/2022 20:26

Tricky. I think a good one is Sunday lunch. Same time every week and they have to come? Might that work, if it was regular?

Or like the great TV show Friday night dinner.

LoveFall · 22/01/2022 20:58

Having raised two boys through the teen years, my feeling is the best thing we did was try very hard to eat dinner together as a family as much as possible.

That ensures you are sitting facing one another for a good 1/2 hour a day.

It worked well at keeping us connected. It meant some flexibility as to meal times if there were sports activities etc but that was usually not an issue.

Roaringlogfire · 26/01/2022 16:34

Same here, I stepped back and no longer insist on them spending set time with us as such. We have dinner together about 5-6 times a week. And when the choose to spend extra time with us, it's nice knowing it's their choice and not forced on them

FabriqueBelgique · 26/01/2022 16:41

“Sorry I can’t come out, I have to play a board game with my parents”.

Come on, OP Grin

LaurieFairyCake · 26/01/2022 16:45

Nope, not weekends

Yes during the week - dinner usually

madisonbridges · 26/01/2022 16:46

@FabriqueBelgique

“Sorry I can’t come out, I have to play a board game with my parents”.

Come on, OP Grin

😂😂😂 Only on MN do I see this obsession with family board games.
hellcatspangle · 26/01/2022 16:51

I probably wouldn't make them do family activities like board games at that age but I would expect them to be in for at least one meal together at the weekend.

PrimroseBed · 26/01/2022 16:52

DC 16 and 15. Dinner together every day and usually breakfast and lunch together as well at weekends depending on people's commitments. We also tend to watch a film together one evening of the weekend or play a game.

Re blaming family time whenever time is short for other things- I think you just have to take that on the chin or make a joke about it -"ah, but then you wouldn't have got to see my brilliant scrabble skills" is the annoying sort of thing I say. If your son is anything like mine, a remark like that is just a throwaway, and it's a waste of time trying to get into a debate about where the time went when they actually spent 2 hours playing Xbox and 2 hours at the gym and an hour staring out of the window or whatever...I also think that there is actually time for everything, homework and friends and family time, so expecting a bit of interaction with parents isn't actually depriving them of a social life. In our case it mainly eats into the children's "looking at their phone while mooching about and making an elaborate snack" time.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 26/01/2022 18:23

We don’t set aside ‘family time’ particularly but the dds will often watch a film with us at the weekend. I have shared interests with both dds so we will often go to the theatre and out for dinner together and dd2 and I both enjoy paddle-boarding so do that a lot together in the warmer weather.

Time together just happens really, though they probably do spend less time with their father now. It’s either me and DH or me and the dds these days. But I guess that’s to be expected as they get older. We all enjoy time together as a family on holiday etc. but there’s no point farcing them to do things they are not interested in.

cherrypie66 · 26/01/2022 18:31

A board game !!!!! Your poor dc really leave them be there's no point making them do something they don't want to do it will have the opposite effect of what you are trying to do

Ionlydomassiveones · 26/01/2022 18:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Ionlydomassiveones · 26/01/2022 18:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Wbeezer · 26/01/2022 18:41

You get little bits of family time when you give them lifts or they come down to the kitchen to make a drink while you're cooking or meal times or sometimes if you're into the same TV show. I wouldn't make a teen come for a walk or play a board game (although two of mine are into board games). We do things together on special occasions like Christmas or on holiday and insist on occasional visits to grandoarents together but other than that they do their own thing.
After DS2 went to uni he was more into hanging out with us when he was home in the breaks from uni, which was nice.

iklboo · 26/01/2022 18:41

We ask DS(16) if he's got plans or if he wants to watch something / play a game we all enjoy. If he has, no problem. It lets him set the schedule. We almost always eat together though.

Holly60 · 26/01/2022 18:44

@Lessofallthisunpleasantness

Tricky. I think a good one is Sunday lunch. Same time every week and they have to come? Might that work, if it was regular?

Or like the great TV show Friday night dinner.

This. I think just insisting on sharing a meal together can do so much.
Holly60 · 26/01/2022 18:46

@Ionlydomassiveones

…Let go of the apron strings!
Eh? Her child is 14.
User48751490 · 26/01/2022 18:46

My eldest is 14 and he will sit with us every day for dinner, openly discusses his day. He will watch a series with us like The Masked Singer of an evening, but likes his own free time too.

cherryonthecakes · 26/01/2022 18:49

I have a similar aged son.

I find that he's much chattier about his life when his sibling isn't here. His older brother was just like that too.

I don't schedule family time but he's usually here for meals and that's a good way to create some time with him. I know that's like 20 minutes but I grab small opportunities like when he goes to get a snack from the kitchen to talk to him.

Inastatus · 26/01/2022 18:58

I have 15 year old DS and 17 year old DD. I try to make sure we have Sunday dinner altogether and we do manage a few meals in the week although DD is out quite a bit. These days it’s easier for us to have time with them individually rather than all of us together as they have such different interests/tastes in tv/films etc.

WellTidy · 26/01/2022 19:03

I get 14yo DS to cook dinner with me. He loves to cook, and loves food even more, so this isn’t seen as a huge chore. But I get him involved in choosing a recipe/meal, and we prepare it together. Something from scratch.

We also try and watch a film each weekend. It doesn’t always happen, but we’ve recently enjoyed The Marshalls against the Machines (I think it’s called), two jumanji films, and are working our way through the early Spider-Man films. I make sure we have lots of snacks and drinks to sweeten the pill.

WellTidy · 26/01/2022 19:03

We do have dinner together every night too.

Itsnotdeep · 26/01/2022 19:06

Well we do meal times together. Also brunch on the weekends, and he always sits down with us for those.

But I did persuade my ds to do games night with his little sister at the weekend and also took him out to play crazy golf which he seemed to enjoy. No girlfriend to distract him though!

Bibbetybobbity · 26/01/2022 19:12

No, this is madness. You’re setting yourself up to row with him about it and it’s v important to pick your battles at this age and upwards. If you can adapt now it’ll stop him drifting away- the reverse isn’t true, you can’t ‘force’ family time for much longer and you’ll drive him away by making it feel like a chore. Quality time needs to happen more naturally at that age, rather than board games… As PP have said, this can be chats whilst giving a lift, watching something everyone can get into on tv…